Nadas And Nursing Homes?

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

I need to know what to expect next week.

Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI.  But she will go to the hospital, most

likely Tuesday.

She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

I think that this is valid.  

So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've

lived in all their

life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite

home.

So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind?

Thanks, Everyone!

Hugs,

-L

[Guest guest]

This sounds like a frightening situation. I admit that I can offer no help but I

do wish you the best with it all. I'd say all I can offer is take it a step at a

time and try to not let the whole situation overwhelm you

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

>

> I need to know what to expect next week.

>

> Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, most

likely Tuesday.

>

> She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

>

> I think that this is valid.

>

> So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've

lived in all their

> life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite

home.

>

> So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind?

>

> Thanks, Everyone!

>

> Hugs,

> -L

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a precursor to

nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she could not care

for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months ending up in the

hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the hospital to assisted

living where she lived and then about a year later I moved her to the same

facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet " shown " her bpd side to the

staff there, and i am very involved in her care and keeping her level, but it is

what it is. She still rages at me every few weeks that a better daughter would

have invited her into my home to live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I

can and this group has helped me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much

luck.

Francesca

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

>

> I need to know what to expect next week.

>

> Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, most

likely Tuesday.

>

> She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

>

> I think that this is valid.

>

> So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've

lived in all their

> life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite

home.

>

> So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind?

>

> Thanks, Everyone!

>

> Hugs,

> -L

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sure you would have moved a " better mother " in with you.

On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 9:52 PM, Francesca D. <

francescadjones@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a

> precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she

> could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months

> ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the

> hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I

> moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet

> " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her care

> and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every

> few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to

> live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has helped

> me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck.

>

> Francesca

>

> On Sep 21, 2012, at 5:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...>

> wrote:

>

> > Hi Everyone,

> >

> > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

> >

> > I need to know what to expect next week.

> >

> > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital,

> most likely Tuesday.

> >

> > She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

> >

> > I think that this is valid.

> >

> > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that

> they've lived in all their

> > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a

> respite home.

> >

> > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left

> behind?

> >

> > Thanks, Everyone!

> >

> > Hugs,

> > -L

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

What gets me about bpds is they're always the good ones. It amazes me they

see it that way.

On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 11:24 PM, Millicent Kunstler <

millicentkunstler@...> wrote:

> I'm sure you would have moved a " better mother " in with you.

>

>

> On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 9:52 PM, Francesca D. <

> francescadjones@...> wrote:

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a

>> precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she

>> could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months

>> ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the

>> hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I

>> moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet

>> " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her care

>> and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every

>> few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to

>> live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has helped

>> me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck.

>>

>> Francesca

>>

>> On Sep 21, 2012, at 5:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...>

>> wrote:

>>

>> > Hi Everyone,

>> >

>> > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

>> >

>> > I need to know what to expect next week.

>> >

>> > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital,

>> most likely Tuesday.

>> >

>> > She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

>> >

>> > I think that this is valid.

>> >

>> > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that

>> they've lived in all their

>> > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a

>> respite home.

>> >

>> > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left

>> behind?

>> >

>> > Thanks, Everyone!

>> >

>> > Hugs,

>> > -L

>> >

>> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Francesca,

You are so brave.  I admire you.  I am sorry that you had to deal with the

sudden death of your dad and caretaking of nada.  What amazes me is that your

nada actually allowed you to make decisions for her....That she actually allowed

you to transition her to assisted living!  My nada wants me to come and be her

servant in her house.  

My nada keeps telling me to sell my condo, quit school (have grant) and buy a

one-way ticket (to hell).

I offered to come down next week to help her go to the hospital for an MRI but

she said....(I've posted this stuff before...)

" WHAT WOULD I DO WITH YOU? "

I would really like to help.  But there's nothing I can do.  She'll just throw

me out (of course it will all be " my fault " for leaving when she rages).  

I'm just not allowed to have any kind of a life.  When I was young, she

threatened suicide just about every day.  And every time that I tried to

individuate myself from my nada and fada, my life was threatened.  

And now that DH died 6.5 years ago in a tragedy.  And I'm trying to rebuild my

life.  And she wants me to sacrifice my life UGH. 

Hugs,

-L

________________________________

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 6:52 PM

Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?

 

Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a precursor to

nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she could not care

for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months ending up in the

hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the hospital to assisted

living where she lived and then about a year later I moved her to the same

facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet " shown " her bpd side to the

staff there, and i am very involved in her care and keeping her level, but it is

what it is. She still rages at me every few weeks that a better daughter would

have invited her into my home to live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I

can and this group has helped me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much

luck.

Francesca

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

>

> I need to know what to expect next week.

>

> Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, most

likely Tuesday.

>

> She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

>

> I think that this is valid.

>

> So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've

lived in all their

> life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite

home.

>

> So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind?

>

> Thanks, Everyone!

>

> Hugs,

> -L

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, Millicent....Not only are they the good ones....They are the SICK ones.

 And their offspring

are the ones in therapy trying to get well!  

Hugs,

-L

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 8:25 PM

Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?

What gets me about bpds is they're always the good ones. It amazes me they

see it that way.

On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 11:24 PM, Millicent Kunstler <

millicentkunstler@...> wrote:

> I'm sure you would have moved a " better mother " in with you.

>

>

> On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 9:52 PM, Francesca D. <

> francescadjones@...> wrote:

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a

>> precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she

>> could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months

>> ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the

>> hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I

>> moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet

>> " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her care

>> and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every

>> few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to

>> live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has helped

>> me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck.

>>

>> Francesca

>>

>> On Sep 21, 2012, at 5:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...>

>> wrote:

>>

>> > Hi Everyone,

>> >

>> > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

>> >

>> > I need to know what to expect next week.

>> >

>> > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital,

>> most likely Tuesday.

>> >

>> > She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

>> >

>> > I think that this is valid.

>> >

>> > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that

>> they've lived in all their

>> > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a

>> respite home.

>> >

>> > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left

>> behind?

>> >

>> > Thanks, Everyone!

>> >

>> > Hugs,

>> > -L

>> >

>> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Jenn,

Yes, it's frightening....I survived the tragic death of my husband. And nothing

could ever compare with that.

But the reason I survived my husband's death, is because our relationship was

based on unconditional love.

It was a miracle that I had such a loving husband.  And he was the greatest

gift of my life.

What scares me is that, being a " Child of Oz " , I never learned to be financially

successful in the outer world. 

My husband allowed me to have artsy " careers " that did not pay much, as long as

I was happy. 

And now I have been trying so hard to build a new life.  Not losing my condo.

 Trying to have some kind of career.  Trying to re-socialize myself (need lots

more work here) and trying to get an education.  And now nada, in her own,

scared warped mind, thinks it's normal just to tell me to sell the condo, and

buy a one-way plane ticket to hell.

She just wants me to sacrifice my life, imprison me, split me bad and throw me

out. 

And then I'll really have nothing.

And if I tell her I'm not coming to live with her, I will get disowned and

disinherited.

Every time I talk to her I feel that my life has ended.   The waif-like pauses

of silence after she asks what I'm doing are so guilt-driving and disapproving.

 

She's never allowed me to have a life, nor accepted me in her life as a married

adult woman.  All that she tried to do was to turn my husband against me.

 That's why I haven't seen her in 14 years.

Luckily, I found a wonderful therapist who is helping me through this.  

But the truth is that I don't see a way out.  I am scared to death.

Hugs,

-L

________________________________

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 6:11 PM

Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?

 

This sounds like a frightening situation. I admit that I can offer no help but I

do wish you the best with it all. I'd say all I can offer is take it a step at a

time and try to not let the whole situation overwhelm you

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

>

> I need to know what to expect next week.

>

> Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, most

likely Tuesday.

>

> She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

>

> I think that this is valid.

>

> So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've

lived in all their

> life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite

home.

>

> So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind?

>

> Thanks, Everyone!

>

> Hugs,

> -L

>

>

[Guest guest]

" Every time I talk to her I feel that my life has ended. The waif-like

pauses of silence after she asks what I'm doing are so guilt-driving and

disapproving. "

Oh .I so feel for you, you are truly in an emotionally abusive

relationship with your nada. You really need to find a way to live

your own life. Although you have not physically seen your mother in a long

time you are still in contact with her and she is controlling

your thoughts. The threats of disowning and disinheriting you, sound like

she is still insidiously programming your heart and mind that

you can't make it on your own.

It has only been these last few months of total NC that have allowed me to

see everything from a different perspective, from the

outside looking in, through a different set of lenses.

I told my therapist it is like I escaped a cult.

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Halloran

Sent: September-22-12 12:45 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?

Hi Jenn,

Yes, it's frightening....I survived the tragic death of my husband. And

nothing could ever compare with that.

But the reason I survived my husband's death, is because our relationship

was based on unconditional love.

It was a miracle that I had such a loving husband. And he was the greatest

gift of my life.

What scares me is that, being a " Child of Oz " , I never learned to be

financially successful in the outer world.

My husband allowed me to have artsy " careers " that did not pay much, as long

as I was happy.

And now I have been trying so hard to build a new life. Not losing my

condo. Trying to have some kind of career. Trying to re-socialize myself

(need lots more work here) and trying to get an education. And now nada, in

her own, scared warped mind, thinks it's normal just to tell me to sell the

condo, and buy a one-way plane ticket to hell.

She just wants me to sacrifice my life, imprison me, split me bad and throw

me out.

And then I'll really have nothing.

And if I tell her I'm not coming to live with her, I will get disowned and

disinherited.

Every time I talk to her I feel that my life has ended. The waif-like

pauses of silence after she asks what I'm doing are so guilt-driving and

disapproving.

She's never allowed me to have a life, nor accepted me in her life as a

married adult woman. All that she tried to do was to turn my husband

against me. That's why I haven't seen her in 14 years.

Luckily, I found a wonderful therapist who is helping me through this.

But the truth is that I don't see a way out. I am scared to death.

Hugs,

-L

________________________________

From: Jenn S. jenne.stevenson@...

>

To: " WTOAdultChildren1

"

WTOAdultChildren1

>

Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 6:11 PM

Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?

This sounds like a frightening situation. I admit that I can offer no help

but I do wish you the best with it all. I'd say all I can offer is take it a

step at a time and try to not let the whole situation overwhelm you

On Sep 21, 2012, at 4:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...

> wrote:

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

>

> I need to know what to expect next week.

>

> Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital,

most likely Tuesday.

>

> She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

>

> I think that this is valid.

>

> So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that

they've lived in all their

> life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a

respite home.

>

> So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left

behind?

>

> Thanks, Everyone!

>

> Hugs,

> -L

>

>

[Guest guest]

It must be part of their mental breakdown. To see themselves as bad would

break them entirely so they have to project it on others. That is WHY it is

best NOT to have them in our homes when they age because we can't be

destroyed since we can't really help them.

jwjrenslow@...

Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?

What gets me about bpds is they're always the good ones. It amazes me they

see it that way.

On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 11:24 PM, Millicent Kunstler <

millicentkunstler@...> wrote:

> I'm sure you would have moved a " better mother " in with you.

>

>

> On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 9:52 PM, Francesca D. <

> francescadjones@...> wrote:

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a

>> precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear

she

>> could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months

>> ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the

>> hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I

>> moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't

yet

>> " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her

care

>> and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every

>> few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to

>> live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has

helped

>> me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck.

>>

>> Francesca

>>

>> On Sep 21, 2012, at 5:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...>

>> wrote:

>>

>> > Hi Everyone,

>> >

>> > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing

homes?

>> >

>> > I need to know what to expect next week.

>> >

>> > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital,

>> most likely Tuesday.

>> >

>> > She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

>> >

>> > I think that this is valid.

>> >

>> > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that

>> they've lived in all their

>> > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a

>> respite home.

>> >

>> > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left

>> behind?

>> >

>> > Thanks, Everyone!

>> >

>> > Hugs,

>> > -L

>> >

>> >

[Guest guest]

Hahaha!!! Exactly!

Francesca

On Sep 21, 2012, at 11:24 PM, Millicent Kunstler millicentkunstler@...>

wrote:

> I'm sure you would have moved a " better mother " in with you.

>

> On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 9:52 PM, Francesca D. <

> francescadjones@...> wrote:

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a

>> precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she

>> could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months

>> ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the

>> hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I

>> moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet

>> " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her care

>> and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every

>> few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to

>> live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has helped

>> me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck.

>>

>> Francesca

>>

>> On Sep 21, 2012, at 5:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...>

>> wrote:

>>

>>> Hi Everyone,

>>>

>>> Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

>>>

>>> I need to know what to expect next week.

>>>

>>> Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital,

>> most likely Tuesday.

>>>

>>> She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

>>>

>>> I think that this is valid.

>>>

>>> So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that

>> they've lived in all their

>>> life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a

>> respite home.

>>>

>>> So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left

>> behind?

>>>

>>> Thanks, Everyone!

>>>

>>> Hugs,

>>> -L

>>>

>>>

[Guest guest]

My nada's experience was so different from your situation its not very

applicable; your nada still has all her marbles, and mine had dementia.

However, several years before my nada began showing clear signs of dementia,

Sister took nada to check out various assisted living residences in their area

so nada could choose one or two that she liked.

Nada didn't have a " family home " that she'd always lived in and felt attached

to, so that made it easier on her, and nada had come to her own decision years

earlier that she did not want to live with Sister in Sister's home. Nada liked

living in or near town, and Sister lives in an isolated rural area.

If your nada needs full-time assisted living or nursing care, then she really

does need to relocate into a nursing home. It takes professional training and

shifts of people to provide 24/7 care and supervision; so don't feel guilty

because you can't provide that for her; you aren't three people!

When my nada was diagnosed with demential, Sister was given the power of

attorney / legal responsibility for our nada, so she is the one who wound up

taking care of all the paperwork and legwork necessary to oversee our nada's

medical care in the assisted care home, and it followed naturally that Sister

then took charge RE nada's funeral, her paperwork, and managing all nada's

stuff, after nada died. My Sister is a take-charge kind of person, and I am so

very grateful for that.

I wish you well in this new phase of your life and your nada's life. I'm glad

for you that the fact that your nada is actually agreeing to go into a nursing

home means that you are no longer being badgered to abandon your career

trajectory and become her full-time live-in caregiver. My guess is that this

relocation will mean a better quality of life for your brother as well, he'll

be with other people his own age instead of being trapped like a virtual

prisoner with only your nada for company.

My best to all of you.

-Annie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

>

> I need to know what to expect next week.

>

> Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI.  But she will go to the hospital, most

likely Tuesday.

>

> She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

>

> I think that this is valid.  

>

> So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've

lived in all their

> life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite

home.

>

> So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind?

>

> Thanks, Everyone!

>

> Hugs,

> -L

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie and Everyone,

Thanks for the beautiful email.  I never would think of re-framing it as a " new

phase of life " for me and nada.  She's not actually " agreed " to go into a

nursing home.  And she's still badgering me to give up my career trajectory and

snippets of a life to become her full-time, live-in, throw-out caregiver.  

I just made it through a day of school, really depressed and thinking that my

life was over.  And then I called nada in the early evening. And she asked how

my class was. And I told her it was difficult and not what I expected....And

then she said, in her stern voice:

" DROP IT....IT'S NOT FOR YOU! "

She sounded like a whining jealous witch.  And prior she had left a really

scary sounding voice mail message which ended with the word " LOVE " plastered at

the end.  Love sounded more like HATE.

OH....AND SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE FEELS A LITTLE BETTER!  She's actually wondering

if she should try climbing stairs.....So the cycle of hell continues.

I just want to run away from everything. Not tell her where I'm going and have a

new life.  

I can't believe that I have a nada who won't allow me to live (really).

Nada in a nursing home would benefit my brother, but he does not want to live in

the respite home.  He likes his " stuff " and collections of books, etc.

 Although, he is her prisoner.

My nada never has had all her marbles....Yes, she is attached to her home of 50

years.  And she still makes me feel guilty.  I can imagine how scared she

is...it's kind of like her life, as she has known it, is ending. And she's

struggling to hold it together for as long as possible, even if she can't climb

stairs, is immobile and in pain. 

Nada is very controlling and becomes the witch.  She won't allow me to take

control.  But soon I will have to.

I think that I should ask the family attorney what to do, re nada and nursing

home.  What do you think?

What do you forsee, re papers to sign, etc?  

Thanks!  Huge Hugs!

-L

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, September 22, 2012 8:36 AM

Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?

 

My nada's experience was so different from your situation its not very

applicable; your nada still has all her marbles, and mine had dementia.

However, several years before my nada began showing clear signs of dementia,

Sister took nada to check out various assisted living residences in their area

so nada could choose one or two that she liked.

Nada didn't have a " family home " that she'd always lived in and felt attached

to, so that made it easier on her, and nada had come to her own decision years

earlier that she did not want to live with Sister in Sister's home. Nada liked

living in or near town, and Sister lives in an isolated rural area.

If your nada needs full-time assisted living or nursing care, then she really

does need to relocate into a nursing home. It takes professional training and

shifts of people to provide 24/7 care and supervision; so don't feel guilty

because you can't provide that for her; you aren't three people!

When my nada was diagnosed with demential, Sister was given the power of

attorney / legal responsibility for our nada, so she is the one who wound up

taking care of all the paperwork and legwork necessary to oversee our nada's

medical care in the assisted care home, and it followed naturally that Sister

then took charge RE nada's funeral, her paperwork, and managing all nada's

stuff, after nada died. My Sister is a take-charge kind of person, and I am so

very grateful for that.

I wish you well in this new phase of your life and your nada's life. I'm glad

for you that the fact that your nada is actually agreeing to go into a nursing

home means that you are no longer being badgered to abandon your career

trajectory and become her full-time live-in caregiver. My guess is that this

relocation will mean a better quality of life for your brother as well, he'll

be with other people his own age instead of being trapped like a virtual

prisoner with only your nada for company.

My best to all of you.

-Annie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

>

> I need to know what to expect next week.

>

> Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI.  But she will go to the hospital, most

likely Tuesday.

>

> She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

>

> I think that this is valid.  

>

> So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've

lived in all their

> life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite

home.

>

> So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind?

>

> Thanks, Everyone!

>

> Hugs,

> -L

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Again, Francesca,

Another thought.....nadas are really manipulative...Just give her time with the

staff at the assisted living center!

Once they don't meet her needs, she will reveal herself!

-L

________________________________

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 >

Cc: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Saturday, September 22, 2012 7:02 AM

Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?

 

Hahaha!!! Exactly!

Francesca

On Sep 21, 2012, at 11:24 PM, Millicent Kunstler millicentkunstler@...>

wrote:

> I'm sure you would have moved a " better mother " in with you.

>

> On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 9:52 PM, Francesca D. <

> francescadjones@...> wrote:

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a

>> precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she

>> could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months

>> ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the

>> hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I

>> moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet

>> " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her care

>> and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every

>> few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to

>> live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has helped

>> me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck.

>>

>> Francesca

>>

>> On Sep 21, 2012, at 5:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...>

>> wrote:

>>

>>> Hi Everyone,

>>>

>>> Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

>>>

>>> I need to know what to expect next week.

>>>

>>> Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital,

>> most likely Tuesday.

>>>

>>> She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

>>>

>>> I think that this is valid.

>>>

>>> So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that

>> they've lived in all their

>>> life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a

>> respite home.

>>>

>>> So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left

>> behind?

>>>

>>> Thanks, Everyone!

>>>

>>> Hugs,

>>> -L

>>>

>>>

[Guest guest]

Hi Gagne and Everyone,

Gagne, you are right....NC would be wonderful.  She is so abusive!

Hugs,

-L

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, September 22, 2012 12:49 AM

Subject: RE: Nadas And Nursing Homes?

 

" Every time I talk to her I feel that my life has ended. The waif-like

pauses of silence after she asks what I'm doing are so guilt-driving and

disapproving. "

Oh .I so feel for you, you are truly in an emotionally abusive

relationship with your nada. You really need to find a way to live

your own life. Although you have not physically seen your mother in a long

time you are still in contact with her and she is controlling

your thoughts. The threats of disowning and disinheriting you, sound like

she is still insidiously programming your heart and mind that

you can't make it on your own.

It has only been these last few months of total NC that have allowed me to

see everything from a different perspective, from the

outside looking in, through a different set of lenses.

I told my therapist it is like I escaped a cult.

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Halloran

Sent: September-22-12 12:45 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?

Hi Jenn,

Yes, it's frightening....I survived the tragic death of my husband. And

nothing could ever compare with that.

But the reason I survived my husband's death, is because our relationship

was based on unconditional love.

It was a miracle that I had such a loving husband. And he was the greatest

gift of my life.

What scares me is that, being a " Child of Oz " , I never learned to be

financially successful in the outer world.

My husband allowed me to have artsy " careers " that did not pay much, as long

as I was happy.

And now I have been trying so hard to build a new life. Not losing my

condo. Trying to have some kind of career. Trying to re-socialize myself

(need lots more work here) and trying to get an education. And now nada, in

her own, scared warped mind, thinks it's normal just to tell me to sell the

condo, and buy a one-way plane ticket to hell.

She just wants me to sacrifice my life, imprison me, split me bad and throw

me out.

And then I'll really have nothing.

And if I tell her I'm not coming to live with her, I will get disowned and

disinherited.

Every time I talk to her I feel that my life has ended. The waif-like

pauses of silence after she asks what I'm doing are so guilt-driving and

disapproving.

She's never allowed me to have a life, nor accepted me in her life as a

married adult woman. All that she tried to do was to turn my husband

against me. That's why I haven't seen her in 14 years.

Luckily, I found a wonderful therapist who is helping me through this.

But the truth is that I don't see a way out. I am scared to death.

Hugs,

-L

________________________________

From: Jenn S. jenne.stevenson@...

>

To: " WTOAdultChildren1

"

WTOAdultChildren1

>

Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 6:11 PM

Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?

This sounds like a frightening situation. I admit that I can offer no help

but I do wish you the best with it all. I'd say all I can offer is take it a

step at a time and try to not let the whole situation overwhelm you

On Sep 21, 2012, at 4:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...

> wrote:

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

>

> I need to know what to expect next week.

>

> Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital,

most likely Tuesday.

>

> She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

>

> I think that this is valid.

>

> So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that

they've lived in all their

> life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a

respite home.

>

> So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left

behind?

>

> Thanks, Everyone!

>

> Hugs,

> -L

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I think that's a great idea for you to have a consultation with a lawyer RE what

your options and responsibilities may turn out to be, if your nada should

voluntarily choose to give you power of attorney over her financial

responsibilities and her care. However, it sounds (to me) like your nada isn't

about to relinquish any decision-making power or control to you.

As long as your nada is considered mentally competent (no dementia) then she can

take care of her own paperwork and stuff.

I can't advise you RE all the things that will need doing if for some reason

your nada does decide to give you legal responsibility /power of attorney to

manage her interests because I didn't do any of those things; my Sister is the

one who handled all that for our nada, herself, once my nada received a

diagnosis of dementia.

Wishing you all the strength and endurance you need to weather these changes.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> >

> > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

> >

> > I need to know what to expect next week.

> >

> > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI.  But she will go to the hospital,

most likely Tuesday.

> >

> > She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

> >

> > I think that this is valid.  

> >

> > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that

they've lived in all their

> > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a

respite home.

> >

> > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind?

> >

> > Thanks, Everyone!

> >

> > Hugs,

> > -L

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

Thanks!  Yes, nada will NEVER relinquish control to me.

But I have good rapport with the attorney.

-

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, September 22, 2012 6:16 PM

Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?

 

Hi ,

I think that's a great idea for you to have a consultation with a lawyer RE what

your options and responsibilities may turn out to be, if your nada should

voluntarily choose to give you power of attorney over her financial

responsibilities and her care. However, it sounds (to me) like your nada isn't

about to relinquish any decision-making power or control to you.

As long as your nada is considered mentally competent (no dementia) then she can

take care of her own paperwork and stuff.

I can't advise you RE all the things that will need doing if for some reason

your nada does decide to give you legal responsibility /power of attorney to

manage her interests because I didn't do any of those things; my Sister is the

one who handled all that for our nada, herself, once my nada received a

diagnosis of dementia.

Wishing you all the strength and endurance you need to weather these changes.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> >

> > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes?

> >

> > I need to know what to expect next week.

> >

> > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI.  But she will go to the hospital,

most likely Tuesday.

> >

> > She is afraid of going into a nursing home.

> >

> > I think that this is valid.  

> >

> > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that

they've lived in all their

> > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a

respite home.

> >

> > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind?

> >

> > Thanks, Everyone!

> >

> > Hugs,

> > -L

> >

> >