the gifts they give

[Guest guest]

Do any of you have problems with the gifts your nada tends to give you? For me

they are usually amazingly inappropriate in one way or another or else they are

something that she likes or collects, not that I do. I don't want to look a

gift horse in the mouth, but sometimes the gifts are just as depressing as not

getting anything. I'm left having to act polite and thankful for a gift which

just underscores the amazing lack of genuine relationship there is. Depressing.

Lobster

(and I still haven't figured out this alias trick as my email still shows the

same even though in profile I'm now sevenlobsters)

[Guest guest]

Oh yes, I have problems with my nadas gifts. My nada mostly

gives gifts that are things she wants. Sometimes she gives gifts

that are just useless but that she thinks are pretty and that

are related to the giftee's interests. I watch birds so she

likes to give me useless things with birds on them. When there

are all sorts of things I really need or want and can't afford

to buy, it hurts to get things that cost too much money that I

have no use for.

The other thing my nada does is take back gifts. One Christmas

she bought some big clunky jewelry for my sister, on whom it

would have looked terrible, then took it back immediately when

she failed to express great joy upon opening the package. (She

didn't give my sister any other gift in place of it either.) She

has given me clothing in her size on more than one occasion,

taking it back when it didn't fit me. I can't tell if she really

thinks I wear the same size as her or whether she does that

intentionally.

At 04:01 AM 5/27/2012 sevenlobsters wrote:

>Do any of you have problems with the gifts your nada tends to

>give you? For me they are usually amazingly inappropriate in

>one way or another or else they are something that she likes or

>collects, not that I do. I don't want to look a gift horse in

>the mouth, but sometimes the gifts are just as depressing as

>not getting anything. I'm left having to act polite and

>thankful for a gift which just underscores the amazing lack of

>genuine relationship there is. Depressing.

>

>Lobster

>

>(and I still haven't figured out this alias trick as my email

>still shows the same even though in profile I'm now

>sevenlobsters)

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

My nada will give me some of her old stuff that she doesn't want or is so gross,

no one would want it. If it's in OK condition, I'll give it away after awhile. I

have to be careful with that because sometimes she will ask me about it or even

want to borrow it back. Other things like old food, I dump immediately. Really,

who wants to eat stale cookies or Cheerios that are permeated with cigarette

smoke? I'm not a smoker so it's quite noticeable to me but the chewy cereal or

moldy cheese isn't fit for anyone.

I don't look at it whether she's giving me what I want. She'll never be able to

think outside her own box.

>

> Do any of you have problems with the gifts your nada tends to give you? For

me they are usually amazingly inappropriate in one way or another or else they

are something that she likes or collects, not that I do. I don't want to look

a gift horse in the mouth, but sometimes the gifts are just as depressing as not

getting anything. I'm left having to act polite and thankful for a gift which

just underscores the amazing lack of genuine relationship there is. Depressing.

>

> Lobster

>

> (and I still haven't figured out this alias trick as my email still shows the

same even though in profile I'm now sevenlobsters)

>

[Guest guest]

My nada will give me some of her old stuff that she doesn't want or is so gross,

no one would want it. If it's in OK condition, I'll give it away after awhile. I

have to be careful with that because sometimes she will ask me about it or even

want to borrow it back. Other things like old food, I dump immediately. Really,

who wants to eat stale cookies or Cheerios that are permeated with cigarette

smoke? I'm not a smoker so it's quite noticeable to me but the chewy cereal or

moldy cheese isn't fit for anyone.

I don't look at it whether she's giving me what I want. She'll never be able to

think outside her own box.

>

> Do any of you have problems with the gifts your nada tends to give you? For

me they are usually amazingly inappropriate in one way or another or else they

are something that she likes or collects, not that I do. I don't want to look

a gift horse in the mouth, but sometimes the gifts are just as depressing as not

getting anything. I'm left having to act polite and thankful for a gift which

just underscores the amazing lack of genuine relationship there is. Depressing.

>

> Lobster

>

> (and I still haven't figured out this alias trick as my email still shows the

same even though in profile I'm now sevenlobsters)

>

[Guest guest]

My nada will give me some of her old stuff that she doesn't want or is so gross,

no one would want it. If it's in OK condition, I'll give it away after awhile. I

have to be careful with that because sometimes she will ask me about it or even

want to borrow it back. Other things like old food, I dump immediately. Really,

who wants to eat stale cookies or Cheerios that are permeated with cigarette

smoke? I'm not a smoker so it's quite noticeable to me but the chewy cereal or

moldy cheese isn't fit for anyone.

I don't look at it whether she's giving me what I want. She'll never be able to

think outside her own box.

>

> Do any of you have problems with the gifts your nada tends to give you? For

me they are usually amazingly inappropriate in one way or another or else they

are something that she likes or collects, not that I do. I don't want to look

a gift horse in the mouth, but sometimes the gifts are just as depressing as not

getting anything. I'm left having to act polite and thankful for a gift which

just underscores the amazing lack of genuine relationship there is. Depressing.

>

> Lobster

>

> (and I still haven't figured out this alias trick as my email still shows the

same even though in profile I'm now sevenlobsters)

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

At the Group site, your posts are coming from " sevenlobsters " , and only the

first portion of your e-mail address shows: only your first name.

RE gifts, most of the time I'd get a gift from my nada that displayed her

tastes. Every once in a while she'd give me a present that indicated that she

understood my tastes and interests, but either way, there was always a string or

two attached to her gifts as well, so it made receiving gifts, as you say, just

a reminder that there was no genuine relationship there.

A gift is a *symbolic gesture*, and its nice, but its not " love " any more than a

picture of a house is a three-dimensional real house you can enter and live in.

So I guess that my nada was confusing a symbolic gesture with the act of *being

loving*: being kind, patient and forgiving, treating your loved ones as living

human beings who have feelings and needs of their own, not as objects one owns,

or servants or human punching bags. I would have much preferred to just have

felt safe to let my guard down around my mother, be honest with her about my

feelings, admit my failings, share my hopes and dreams with her and know that

I'd be heard, understood and supported or advised in a loving way... I wish I

could have had that kind of relationship with my mother, even if it meant that

she never gave me any material things.

But that wasn't in the cards for my nada and me, so I guess I should be grateful

that she and dad did at least provide us with material things, that nada was

good with the money dad left her, and was able and willing to give my Sister and

me a little money when she died. If that was her only way of expressing her

love, then, she did love us in the only way she could.

-Annie

>

> Do any of you have problems with the gifts your nada tends to give you? For

me they are usually amazingly inappropriate in one way or another or else they

are something that she likes or collects, not that I do. I don't want to look

a gift horse in the mouth, but sometimes the gifts are just as depressing as not

getting anything. I'm left having to act polite and thankful for a gift which

just underscores the amazing lack of genuine relationship there is. Depressing.

>

> Lobster

>

> (and I still haven't figured out this alias trick as my email still shows the

same even though in profile I'm now sevenlobsters)

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

At the Group site, your posts are coming from " sevenlobsters " , and only the

first portion of your e-mail address shows: only your first name.

RE gifts, most of the time I'd get a gift from my nada that displayed her

tastes. Every once in a while she'd give me a present that indicated that she

understood my tastes and interests, but either way, there was always a string or

two attached to her gifts as well, so it made receiving gifts, as you say, just

a reminder that there was no genuine relationship there.

A gift is a *symbolic gesture*, and its nice, but its not " love " any more than a

picture of a house is a three-dimensional real house you can enter and live in.

So I guess that my nada was confusing a symbolic gesture with the act of *being

loving*: being kind, patient and forgiving, treating your loved ones as living

human beings who have feelings and needs of their own, not as objects one owns,

or servants or human punching bags. I would have much preferred to just have

felt safe to let my guard down around my mother, be honest with her about my

feelings, admit my failings, share my hopes and dreams with her and know that

I'd be heard, understood and supported or advised in a loving way... I wish I

could have had that kind of relationship with my mother, even if it meant that

she never gave me any material things.

But that wasn't in the cards for my nada and me, so I guess I should be grateful

that she and dad did at least provide us with material things, that nada was

good with the money dad left her, and was able and willing to give my Sister and

me a little money when she died. If that was her only way of expressing her

love, then, she did love us in the only way she could.

-Annie

>

> Do any of you have problems with the gifts your nada tends to give you? For

me they are usually amazingly inappropriate in one way or another or else they

are something that she likes or collects, not that I do. I don't want to look

a gift horse in the mouth, but sometimes the gifts are just as depressing as not

getting anything. I'm left having to act polite and thankful for a gift which

just underscores the amazing lack of genuine relationship there is. Depressing.

>

> Lobster

>

> (and I still haven't figured out this alias trick as my email still shows the

same even though in profile I'm now sevenlobsters)

>

[Guest guest]

Ah, yes gifts, in colors that make me look jaundiced and styles that I would

never wear in a million years. I finally broke my nada of buying clothes for me.

I hate her taste in almost everything. It is over done and just too much

everything. She has ONE bracelet that I like and my cousin gave it to her.

Also, the gifts we give them. She lost the mothers ring I gave her within

months. The flowers I gave her for Mother's day, she traded in for geramiums. I

don't mind the flowers, but the ring really ticked me off. I spent quite a bit

on it and she not only lost it, but when I finally remembered to ask her about

it and to see it, she had lost it months earlier and wouldn't have even told me

if I hadn't asked to see it! The ironic thing was that withing DAYS of admitting

that she had lost the ring, she had the nerve to make me take off her bracelet

(the one I like) for fear that I would lose it as I had done her earrings twenty

five years ago! The only good thing that came from that, was that I told her

that if I could manage to let go of her loosing a ring I bought for her in a

matter of days and not throw it in her face, that she could stop throwing those

damn earrings in my face after twent five years. CmeBfree

[Guest guest]

Ah, yes gifts, in colors that make me look jaundiced and styles that I would

never wear in a million years. I finally broke my nada of buying clothes for me.

I hate her taste in almost everything. It is over done and just too much

everything. She has ONE bracelet that I like and my cousin gave it to her.

Also, the gifts we give them. She lost the mothers ring I gave her within

months. The flowers I gave her for Mother's day, she traded in for geramiums. I

don't mind the flowers, but the ring really ticked me off. I spent quite a bit

on it and she not only lost it, but when I finally remembered to ask her about

it and to see it, she had lost it months earlier and wouldn't have even told me

if I hadn't asked to see it! The ironic thing was that withing DAYS of admitting

that she had lost the ring, she had the nerve to make me take off her bracelet

(the one I like) for fear that I would lose it as I had done her earrings twenty

five years ago! The only good thing that came from that, was that I told her

that if I could manage to let go of her loosing a ring I bought for her in a

matter of days and not throw it in her face, that she could stop throwing those

damn earrings in my face after twent five years. CmeBfree

[Guest guest]

Ah, yes gifts, in colors that make me look jaundiced and styles that I would

never wear in a million years. I finally broke my nada of buying clothes for me.

I hate her taste in almost everything. It is over done and just too much

everything. She has ONE bracelet that I like and my cousin gave it to her.

Also, the gifts we give them. She lost the mothers ring I gave her within

months. The flowers I gave her for Mother's day, she traded in for geramiums. I

don't mind the flowers, but the ring really ticked me off. I spent quite a bit

on it and she not only lost it, but when I finally remembered to ask her about

it and to see it, she had lost it months earlier and wouldn't have even told me

if I hadn't asked to see it! The ironic thing was that withing DAYS of admitting

that she had lost the ring, she had the nerve to make me take off her bracelet

(the one I like) for fear that I would lose it as I had done her earrings twenty

five years ago! The only good thing that came from that, was that I told her

that if I could manage to let go of her loosing a ring I bought for her in a

matter of days and not throw it in her face, that she could stop throwing those

damn earrings in my face after twent five years. CmeBfree

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Can you send the link to the narcissistic meaning/responses again. I found it

very helpful but I accidentally removed it from my in box.

Thank you so much!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, May 27, 2012 9:42 AM

Subject: Re: the gifts they give

 

Hi,

At the Group site, your posts are coming from " sevenlobsters " , and only the

first portion of your e-mail address shows: only your first name.

RE gifts, most of the time I'd get a gift from my nada that displayed her

tastes. Every once in a while she'd give me a present that indicated that she

understood my tastes and interests, but either way, there was always a string or

two attached to her gifts as well, so it made receiving gifts, as you say, just

a reminder that there was no genuine relationship there.

A gift is a *symbolic gesture*, and its nice, but its not " love " any more than a

picture of a house is a three-dimensional real house you can enter and live in.

So I guess that my nada was confusing a symbolic gesture with the act of *being

loving*: being kind, patient and forgiving, treating your loved ones as living

human beings who have feelings and needs of their own, not as objects one owns,

or servants or human punching bags. I would have much preferred to just have

felt safe to let my guard down around my mother, be honest with her about my

feelings, admit my failings, share my hopes and dreams with her and know that

I'd be heard, understood and supported or advised in a loving way... I wish I

could have had that kind of relationship with my mother, even if it meant that

she never gave me any material things.

But that wasn't in the cards for my nada and me, so I guess I should be grateful

that she and dad did at least provide us with material things, that nada was

good with the money dad left her, and was able and willing to give my Sister and

me a little money when she died. If that was her only way of expressing her

love, then, she did love us in the only way she could.

-Annie

>

> Do any of you have problems with the gifts your nada tends to give you? For me

they are usually amazingly inappropriate in one way or another or else they are

something that she likes or collects, not that I do. I don't want to look a gift

horse in the mouth, but sometimes the gifts are just as depressing as not

getting anything. I'm left having to act polite and thankful for a gift which

just underscores the amazing lack of genuine relationship there is. Depressing.

>

> Lobster

>

> (and I still haven't figured out this alias trick as my email still shows the

same even though in profile I'm now sevenlobsters)

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Can you send the link to the narcissistic meaning/responses again. I found it

very helpful but I accidentally removed it from my in box.

Thank you so much!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, May 27, 2012 9:42 AM

Subject: Re: the gifts they give

 

Hi,

At the Group site, your posts are coming from " sevenlobsters " , and only the

first portion of your e-mail address shows: only your first name.

RE gifts, most of the time I'd get a gift from my nada that displayed her

tastes. Every once in a while she'd give me a present that indicated that she

understood my tastes and interests, but either way, there was always a string or

two attached to her gifts as well, so it made receiving gifts, as you say, just

a reminder that there was no genuine relationship there.

A gift is a *symbolic gesture*, and its nice, but its not " love " any more than a

picture of a house is a three-dimensional real house you can enter and live in.

So I guess that my nada was confusing a symbolic gesture with the act of *being

loving*: being kind, patient and forgiving, treating your loved ones as living

human beings who have feelings and needs of their own, not as objects one owns,

or servants or human punching bags. I would have much preferred to just have

felt safe to let my guard down around my mother, be honest with her about my

feelings, admit my failings, share my hopes and dreams with her and know that

I'd be heard, understood and supported or advised in a loving way... I wish I

could have had that kind of relationship with my mother, even if it meant that

she never gave me any material things.

But that wasn't in the cards for my nada and me, so I guess I should be grateful

that she and dad did at least provide us with material things, that nada was

good with the money dad left her, and was able and willing to give my Sister and

me a little money when she died. If that was her only way of expressing her

love, then, she did love us in the only way she could.

-Annie

>

> Do any of you have problems with the gifts your nada tends to give you? For me

they are usually amazingly inappropriate in one way or another or else they are

something that she likes or collects, not that I do. I don't want to look a gift

horse in the mouth, but sometimes the gifts are just as depressing as not

getting anything. I'm left having to act polite and thankful for a gift which

just underscores the amazing lack of genuine relationship there is. Depressing.

>

> Lobster

>

> (and I still haven't figured out this alias trick as my email still shows the

same even though in profile I'm now sevenlobsters)

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Can you send the link to the narcissistic meaning/responses again. I found it

very helpful but I accidentally removed it from my in box.

Thank you so much!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, May 27, 2012 9:42 AM

Subject: Re: the gifts they give

 

Hi,

At the Group site, your posts are coming from " sevenlobsters " , and only the

first portion of your e-mail address shows: only your first name.

RE gifts, most of the time I'd get a gift from my nada that displayed her

tastes. Every once in a while she'd give me a present that indicated that she

understood my tastes and interests, but either way, there was always a string or

two attached to her gifts as well, so it made receiving gifts, as you say, just

a reminder that there was no genuine relationship there.

A gift is a *symbolic gesture*, and its nice, but its not " love " any more than a

picture of a house is a three-dimensional real house you can enter and live in.

So I guess that my nada was confusing a symbolic gesture with the act of *being

loving*: being kind, patient and forgiving, treating your loved ones as living

human beings who have feelings and needs of their own, not as objects one owns,

or servants or human punching bags. I would have much preferred to just have

felt safe to let my guard down around my mother, be honest with her about my

feelings, admit my failings, share my hopes and dreams with her and know that

I'd be heard, understood and supported or advised in a loving way... I wish I

could have had that kind of relationship with my mother, even if it meant that

she never gave me any material things.

But that wasn't in the cards for my nada and me, so I guess I should be grateful

that she and dad did at least provide us with material things, that nada was

good with the money dad left her, and was able and willing to give my Sister and

me a little money when she died. If that was her only way of expressing her

love, then, she did love us in the only way she could.

-Annie

>

> Do any of you have problems with the gifts your nada tends to give you? For me

they are usually amazingly inappropriate in one way or another or else they are

something that she likes or collects, not that I do. I don't want to look a gift

horse in the mouth, but sometimes the gifts are just as depressing as not

getting anything. I'm left having to act polite and thankful for a gift which

just underscores the amazing lack of genuine relationship there is. Depressing.

>

> Lobster

>

> (and I still haven't figured out this alias trick as my email still shows the

same even though in profile I'm now sevenlobsters)

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Here is the link to the " Narcissistic Mother-To-English Dictionary " at the

website " Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers " . Enjoy!

http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/narcissistic-mother-dictionary.html

Also: you can find all the old messages we've all posted at the Yahoo! Group

site, which is good to know in case of computers or mail engines that crash

sometimes. Me, I prefer to read Group messages at the Group site, so my e-mail

doesn't get clogged up with Group posts, plus there are other advantages: the

messages are numbered, you can choose to view them by date or by thread, and you

can even delete your old messages so they won't appear at the Group site any

longer.

-Annie

>

> Hi,

> Can you send the link to the narcissistic meaning/responses again. I found it

very helpful but I accidentally removed it from my in box.

> Thank you so much!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Here is the link to the " Narcissistic Mother-To-English Dictionary " at the

website " Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers " . Enjoy!

http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/narcissistic-mother-dictionary.html

Also: you can find all the old messages we've all posted at the Yahoo! Group

site, which is good to know in case of computers or mail engines that crash

sometimes. Me, I prefer to read Group messages at the Group site, so my e-mail

doesn't get clogged up with Group posts, plus there are other advantages: the

messages are numbered, you can choose to view them by date or by thread, and you

can even delete your old messages so they won't appear at the Group site any

longer.

-Annie

>

> Hi,

> Can you send the link to the narcissistic meaning/responses again. I found it

very helpful but I accidentally removed it from my in box.

> Thank you so much!

>

[Guest guest]

Hello>

 

Thank you so much- I've been searching for the root causes all my life!

Begininng with reading Wayne Dyer at 13. I found out at 47 my Nada is most

likely BPD from a counselor. The website provided is exactly the tactics she has

used on me. Being an only child I have had more than my share of Psychological

/Physical abuse to deal with from her and my now deceased step father. I have

chronic PTSD that was diagnosed in 2010 that I recieve treatment for weekly

because of what I had to endure as a child. This site is so important to me, the

information shared here is so enlightening and informative. I am realizing, and

I hope professionals are as well, that when there is abuse of any form there is

mental health issues involved as well!

 

-

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, May 27, 2012 1:39 PM

Subject: Re: the gifts they give

 

Hi ,

Here is the link to the " Narcissistic Mother-To-English Dictionary " at the

website " Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers " . Enjoy!

http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/narcissistic-mother-dictionary.html

Also: you can find all the old messages we've all posted at the Yahoo! Group

site, which is good to know in case of computers or mail engines that crash

sometimes. Me, I prefer to read Group messages at the Group site, so my e-mail

doesn't get clogged up with Group posts, plus there are other advantages: the

messages are numbered, you can choose to view them by date or by thread, and you

can even delete your old messages so they won't appear at the Group site any

longer.

-Annie

>

> Hi,

> Can you send the link to the narcissistic meaning/responses again. I found it

very helpful but I accidentally removed it from my in box.

> Thank you so much!

>

[Guest guest]

Hello>

 

Thank you so much- I've been searching for the root causes all my life!

Begininng with reading Wayne Dyer at 13. I found out at 47 my Nada is most

likely BPD from a counselor. The website provided is exactly the tactics she has

used on me. Being an only child I have had more than my share of Psychological

/Physical abuse to deal with from her and my now deceased step father. I have

chronic PTSD that was diagnosed in 2010 that I recieve treatment for weekly

because of what I had to endure as a child. This site is so important to me, the

information shared here is so enlightening and informative. I am realizing, and

I hope professionals are as well, that when there is abuse of any form there is

mental health issues involved as well!

 

-

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, May 27, 2012 1:39 PM

Subject: Re: the gifts they give

 

Hi ,

Here is the link to the " Narcissistic Mother-To-English Dictionary " at the

website " Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers " . Enjoy!

http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/narcissistic-mother-dictionary.html

Also: you can find all the old messages we've all posted at the Yahoo! Group

site, which is good to know in case of computers or mail engines that crash

sometimes. Me, I prefer to read Group messages at the Group site, so my e-mail

doesn't get clogged up with Group posts, plus there are other advantages: the

messages are numbered, you can choose to view them by date or by thread, and you

can even delete your old messages so they won't appear at the Group site any

longer.

-Annie

>

> Hi,

> Can you send the link to the narcissistic meaning/responses again. I found it

very helpful but I accidentally removed it from my in box.

> Thank you so much!

>

[Guest guest]

Exactly so, the gift is symbolic of something that is not there. Real normal

healthy love would be worth more than any object. It's just such a shame that

they seem incapable of it.

>

> Hi,

>

> At the Group site, your posts are coming from " sevenlobsters " , and only the

first portion of your e-mail address shows: only your first name.

>

> RE gifts, most of the time I'd get a gift from my nada that displayed her

tastes. Every once in a while she'd give me a present that indicated that she

understood my tastes and interests, but either way, there was always a string or

two attached to her gifts as well, so it made receiving gifts, as you say, just

a reminder that there was no genuine relationship there.

>

> A gift is a *symbolic gesture*, and its nice, but its not " love " any more than

a picture of a house is a three-dimensional real house you can enter and live

in. So I guess that my nada was confusing a symbolic gesture with the act of

*being loving*: being kind, patient and forgiving, treating your loved ones as

living human beings who have feelings and needs of their own, not as objects one

owns, or servants or human punching bags. I would have much preferred to just

have felt safe to let my guard down around my mother, be honest with her about

my feelings, admit my failings, share my hopes and dreams with her and know that

I'd be heard, understood and supported or advised in a loving way... I wish I

could have had that kind of relationship with my mother, even if it meant that

she never gave me any material things.

>

> But that wasn't in the cards for my nada and me, so I guess I should be

grateful that she and dad did at least provide us with material things, that

nada was good with the money dad left her, and was able and willing to give my

Sister and me a little money when she died. If that was her only way of

expressing her love, then, she did love us in the only way she could.

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Exactly so, the gift is symbolic of something that is not there. Real normal

healthy love would be worth more than any object. It's just such a shame that

they seem incapable of it.

>

> Hi,

>

> At the Group site, your posts are coming from " sevenlobsters " , and only the

first portion of your e-mail address shows: only your first name.

>

> RE gifts, most of the time I'd get a gift from my nada that displayed her

tastes. Every once in a while she'd give me a present that indicated that she

understood my tastes and interests, but either way, there was always a string or

two attached to her gifts as well, so it made receiving gifts, as you say, just

a reminder that there was no genuine relationship there.

>

> A gift is a *symbolic gesture*, and its nice, but its not " love " any more than

a picture of a house is a three-dimensional real house you can enter and live

in. So I guess that my nada was confusing a symbolic gesture with the act of

*being loving*: being kind, patient and forgiving, treating your loved ones as

living human beings who have feelings and needs of their own, not as objects one

owns, or servants or human punching bags. I would have much preferred to just

have felt safe to let my guard down around my mother, be honest with her about

my feelings, admit my failings, share my hopes and dreams with her and know that

I'd be heard, understood and supported or advised in a loving way... I wish I

could have had that kind of relationship with my mother, even if it meant that

she never gave me any material things.

>

> But that wasn't in the cards for my nada and me, so I guess I should be

grateful that she and dad did at least provide us with material things, that

nada was good with the money dad left her, and was able and willing to give my

Sister and me a little money when she died. If that was her only way of

expressing her love, then, she did love us in the only way she could.

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Exactly so, the gift is symbolic of something that is not there. Real normal

healthy love would be worth more than any object. It's just such a shame that

they seem incapable of it.

>

> Hi,

>

> At the Group site, your posts are coming from " sevenlobsters " , and only the

first portion of your e-mail address shows: only your first name.

>

> RE gifts, most of the time I'd get a gift from my nada that displayed her

tastes. Every once in a while she'd give me a present that indicated that she

understood my tastes and interests, but either way, there was always a string or

two attached to her gifts as well, so it made receiving gifts, as you say, just

a reminder that there was no genuine relationship there.

>

> A gift is a *symbolic gesture*, and its nice, but its not " love " any more than

a picture of a house is a three-dimensional real house you can enter and live

in. So I guess that my nada was confusing a symbolic gesture with the act of

*being loving*: being kind, patient and forgiving, treating your loved ones as

living human beings who have feelings and needs of their own, not as objects one

owns, or servants or human punching bags. I would have much preferred to just

have felt safe to let my guard down around my mother, be honest with her about

my feelings, admit my failings, share my hopes and dreams with her and know that

I'd be heard, understood and supported or advised in a loving way... I wish I

could have had that kind of relationship with my mother, even if it meant that

she never gave me any material things.

>

> But that wasn't in the cards for my nada and me, so I guess I should be

grateful that she and dad did at least provide us with material things, that

nada was good with the money dad left her, and was able and willing to give my

Sister and me a little money when she died. If that was her only way of

expressing her love, then, she did love us in the only way she could.

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

My stepnada once gave me some of her clothes, but she told me that if I decided

I didn't want them anymore, she wanted them back because she might want to wear

them again.  That's nada speak for " I am giving you these, but if you give them

away, I will make you feel guilty forever. " So, a couple of years ago, I boxed

up most of what she gave me(there were a few things that had torn buttons or

snaps, and some things that accidently were sold in a yard sale), along with a

few things that were mine that I didn't want,  and when I made a trip that

way(it's a three hour drive), I left the boxes neatly stacked on the porch and I

left.  They weren't home, and I wasn't about to take them back home with me. 

I did exactly what she said she wanted me to do.  It felt really good to do

that!

Janet

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, May 27, 2012 6:06 PM

Subject: Re: the gifts they give

 

Exactly so, the gift is symbolic of something that is not there. Real normal

healthy love would be worth more than any object. It's just such a shame that

they seem incapable of it.

>

> Hi,

>

> At the Group site, your posts are coming from " sevenlobsters " , and only the

first portion of your e-mail address shows: only your first name.

>

> RE gifts, most of the time I'd get a gift from my nada that displayed her

tastes. Every once in a while she'd give me a present that indicated that she

understood my tastes and interests, but either way, there was always a string or

two attached to her gifts as well, so it made receiving gifts, as you say, just

a reminder that there was no genuine relationship there.

>

> A gift is a *symbolic gesture*, and its nice, but its not " love " any more than

a picture of a house is a three-dimensional real house you can enter and live

in. So I guess that my nada was confusing a symbolic gesture with the act of

*being loving*: being kind, patient and forgiving, treating your loved ones as

living human beings who have feelings and needs of their own, not as objects one

owns, or servants or human punching bags. I would have much preferred to just

have felt safe to let my guard down around my mother, be honest with her about

my feelings, admit my failings, share my hopes and dreams with her and know that

I'd be heard, understood and supported or advised in a loving way... I wish I

could have had that kind of relationship with my mother, even if it meant that

she never gave me any material things.

>

> But that wasn't in the cards for my nada and me, so I guess I should be

grateful that she and dad did at least provide us with material things, that

nada was good with the money dad left her, and was able and willing to give my

Sister and me a little money when she died. If that was her only way of

expressing her love, then, she did love us in the only way she could.

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

My stepnada once gave me some of her clothes, but she told me that if I decided

I didn't want them anymore, she wanted them back because she might want to wear

them again.  That's nada speak for " I am giving you these, but if you give them

away, I will make you feel guilty forever. " So, a couple of years ago, I boxed

up most of what she gave me(there were a few things that had torn buttons or

snaps, and some things that accidently were sold in a yard sale), along with a

few things that were mine that I didn't want,  and when I made a trip that

way(it's a three hour drive), I left the boxes neatly stacked on the porch and I

left.  They weren't home, and I wasn't about to take them back home with me. 

I did exactly what she said she wanted me to do.  It felt really good to do

that!

Janet

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, May 27, 2012 6:06 PM

Subject: Re: the gifts they give

 

Exactly so, the gift is symbolic of something that is not there. Real normal

healthy love would be worth more than any object. It's just such a shame that

they seem incapable of it.

>

> Hi,

>

> At the Group site, your posts are coming from " sevenlobsters " , and only the

first portion of your e-mail address shows: only your first name.

>

> RE gifts, most of the time I'd get a gift from my nada that displayed her

tastes. Every once in a while she'd give me a present that indicated that she

understood my tastes and interests, but either way, there was always a string or

two attached to her gifts as well, so it made receiving gifts, as you say, just

a reminder that there was no genuine relationship there.

>

> A gift is a *symbolic gesture*, and its nice, but its not " love " any more than

a picture of a house is a three-dimensional real house you can enter and live

in. So I guess that my nada was confusing a symbolic gesture with the act of

*being loving*: being kind, patient and forgiving, treating your loved ones as

living human beings who have feelings and needs of their own, not as objects one

owns, or servants or human punching bags. I would have much preferred to just

have felt safe to let my guard down around my mother, be honest with her about

my feelings, admit my failings, share my hopes and dreams with her and know that

I'd be heard, understood and supported or advised in a loving way... I wish I

could have had that kind of relationship with my mother, even if it meant that

she never gave me any material things.

>

> But that wasn't in the cards for my nada and me, so I guess I should be

grateful that she and dad did at least provide us with material things, that

nada was good with the money dad left her, and was able and willing to give my

Sister and me a little money when she died. If that was her only way of

expressing her love, then, she did love us in the only way she could.

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

My stepnada once gave me some of her clothes, but she told me that if I decided

I didn't want them anymore, she wanted them back because she might want to wear

them again.  That's nada speak for " I am giving you these, but if you give them

away, I will make you feel guilty forever. " So, a couple of years ago, I boxed

up most of what she gave me(there were a few things that had torn buttons or

snaps, and some things that accidently were sold in a yard sale), along with a

few things that were mine that I didn't want,  and when I made a trip that

way(it's a three hour drive), I left the boxes neatly stacked on the porch and I

left.  They weren't home, and I wasn't about to take them back home with me. 

I did exactly what she said she wanted me to do.  It felt really good to do

that!

Janet

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, May 27, 2012 6:06 PM

Subject: Re: the gifts they give

 

Exactly so, the gift is symbolic of something that is not there. Real normal

healthy love would be worth more than any object. It's just such a shame that

they seem incapable of it.

>

> Hi,

>

> At the Group site, your posts are coming from " sevenlobsters " , and only the

first portion of your e-mail address shows: only your first name.

>

> RE gifts, most of the time I'd get a gift from my nada that displayed her

tastes. Every once in a while she'd give me a present that indicated that she

understood my tastes and interests, but either way, there was always a string or

two attached to her gifts as well, so it made receiving gifts, as you say, just

a reminder that there was no genuine relationship there.

>

> A gift is a *symbolic gesture*, and its nice, but its not " love " any more than

a picture of a house is a three-dimensional real house you can enter and live

in. So I guess that my nada was confusing a symbolic gesture with the act of

*being loving*: being kind, patient and forgiving, treating your loved ones as

living human beings who have feelings and needs of their own, not as objects one

owns, or servants or human punching bags. I would have much preferred to just

have felt safe to let my guard down around my mother, be honest with her about

my feelings, admit my failings, share my hopes and dreams with her and know that

I'd be heard, understood and supported or advised in a loving way... I wish I

could have had that kind of relationship with my mother, even if it meant that

she never gave me any material things.

>

> But that wasn't in the cards for my nada and me, so I guess I should be

grateful that she and dad did at least provide us with material things, that

nada was good with the money dad left her, and was able and willing to give my

Sister and me a little money when she died. If that was her only way of

expressing her love, then, she did love us in the only way she could.

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm left having to act polite and thankful for a gift which just underscores

the amazing lack of genuine relationship there is. Depressing.

***********

An ongoing joke between my husband and I comes from a gift my Nada gave us a few

years ago. It was a sort of " gift basket " of random things, mostly foods I don't

like and self-help books on re-kindling a marriage that my DH and I found

downright insulting (we had only been married two months at that point). The

piece de resistance was a tin of Trader Joe's Peppermint Bark at the bottom of

the box, which opened to reveal two lonely pieces of bark in a ziploc baggie.

She had eaten the rest. We still hoot over that.

For many years, Nada would just ask me what I wanted for Christmas and put it in

the shopping cart directly in front of me. After checking out she would ask if I

wanted it right then or if she should go to the trouble of wrapping it. She also

liked to buy me clothing a size or two too small, though I like to pretend that

she's just a bad judge because she is so much shorter than I am (and I have to

pretend hard because she asks me my size every year and then gasps and says " You

can't be that big! " ).

It used to depress me or make me angry when I was younger, but now I mostly just

laugh about it. Buying her gifts was worse until I realized there is an

incredible freedom in knowing she will complain about whatever you buy.

It still pisses me off when she tries to take gifts we have carefully selected

for my brother and step-father for herself.

[Guest guest]

I'm left having to act polite and thankful for a gift which just underscores

the amazing lack of genuine relationship there is. Depressing.

***********

An ongoing joke between my husband and I comes from a gift my Nada gave us a few

years ago. It was a sort of " gift basket " of random things, mostly foods I don't

like and self-help books on re-kindling a marriage that my DH and I found

downright insulting (we had only been married two months at that point). The

piece de resistance was a tin of Trader Joe's Peppermint Bark at the bottom of

the box, which opened to reveal two lonely pieces of bark in a ziploc baggie.

She had eaten the rest. We still hoot over that.

For many years, Nada would just ask me what I wanted for Christmas and put it in

the shopping cart directly in front of me. After checking out she would ask if I

wanted it right then or if she should go to the trouble of wrapping it. She also

liked to buy me clothing a size or two too small, though I like to pretend that

she's just a bad judge because she is so much shorter than I am (and I have to

pretend hard because she asks me my size every year and then gasps and says " You

can't be that big! " ).

It used to depress me or make me angry when I was younger, but now I mostly just

laugh about it. Buying her gifts was worse until I realized there is an

incredible freedom in knowing she will complain about whatever you buy.

It still pisses me off when she tries to take gifts we have carefully selected

for my brother and step-father for herself.