OT: Funny - HOUSTON TRAFFIC RULES FOR PEOPLE VISITING DURING SUPER BOWL XXXVIII, FEBRUARY 1, 2004

[Guest guest]

If you live in Houston or have ever visited you will find this email to be

very true. If by the time you finish reading you don't have tears in your

eyes, you must not have a sense of humor.

HOUSTON TRAFFIC RULES FOR PEOPLE VISITING DURING SUPER BOWL XXXVIII,

FEBRUARY 1, 2004

You must learn to pronounce the name of the city. It is " Hue-stun, " not

" Ewe-ston, " and definitely not " How-ston. " The street named San Felipe is

pronounced " San fe-LEE-pay, " not " San Fi-LEEP " or " San Fay-LEE-pee. "

Forget any traffic rules you learned anywhere else. Houston has its own

version of traffic rules. They are called " Hold On And Pray. " There is no

such thing as a high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.

All directions start with " Go down to Loop 610, " which has no beginning and

no end.

You have the East, Katy, Southwest, North, South, Northwest, and Eastex

freeways, which are actually I-10 East, I-10 West, 59 North, 59 South, I-45

North, I-45 South, and 290, but not in that order. Your job is to figure out

which one you really want to get on, without any signs to tell you. God help

you if you are in the wrong lane, or you will go around Loop 610 again,

which is an endless circle.

The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic " a " scenic drive. " It

is if you love seeing wrecks and people risking their lives changing tires,

running through pot holes, slamming on your brakes to avoid a collision,

having people cut you off, seeing alot of people's middle fingers, and

exhaust fumes.

The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. The noon-hour rush is

11:00 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. The evening rush hour is 2:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.,

sometimes 9:00 p.m. (or 3 a.m. during floods, which we call " ponding " ). The

teenagers take the streets from 9:00 p.m. through 5:00 a.m., and Friday's

rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you WILL be rear ended, or at least

cussed out, and/or possibly shot. When you are the first off the starting

line, count to 5 before moving when the light turns green, to avoid being

" T-boned " by crossing traffic.

Construction on every freeway, loop, and tollway in the city is a permanent

form of entertainment as well as a source of delays.

Kuykendahl Road can be pronounced ONLY by a native Houstonian. (It is

pronounced " Kirk-n-doll. " )

All unexplained smells are accompanied by the phrase " Oh, we must be near

Pasadena. "

If someone actually has his turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect

and should be ignored.

All Suburbans have the right-of-way, unless you are driving an 18-wheeler or

perhaps a Bradley tank.

The minimum acceptable speed limit on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Otherwise, you

will be stopped by Houston's Finest for impeding the flow of traffic.

The wrought-iron bars on windows in East Houston are NOT ornamental.

Never look at the driver of a car with a bumper sticker that says, " Keep

honking. I'm reloading. " In fact, don't honk at anyone.

If you are in the left lane, and going only 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, the

people who are passing you are not really waving at you.

If it is 100 degrees outside, then January 1st must be next weekend.

The Sam Houston Toll Road is Houston's daily version of a NASCAR race.

When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to the state of

Louisiana.

Don't get on Main Street unless you really WANT to be on Main Street. Left

turns and right turns are not allowed between the South Loop and Dallas

(that's Dallas, Texas, not Dallas Street).

Don't get sick or injured. There are no parking spaces in the Texas Medical

Center for anyone but doctors.

You don't have to wait for an exit to get off the freeways. Just follow the

ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how

Houston residents notify the Texas Department of Transportation where exits

should have been built in the first place.

Y'ALL ENJOY YOUR STAY IN HOUSTON, AND COME BACK REAL SOON NOW, Y'HEAR?

[Guest guest]

If you live in Houston or have ever visited you will find this email

to be very true.

Your email brought back many memories, some of them painful and few

of them fond.

I do not now, nor have I ever, lived in Houston. Many years ago,

however, when I worked for a MAJOR oil company in San Francisco, I

took a week-long business trip to Texas. Three of those five days

were in Houston. I was later told that my five page, single spaced,

trip report when I got back ultimately reached the Executive Offices

(having earned the nickname up the corporate ladder as " the business

trip to hell " ).

The last line of my trip report? " Now I understand the meaning of

the song - 'Happiness is Texas in the rear view mirror'. "

[Guest guest]

If you live in Houston or have ever visited you will find this email

to be very true.

Your email brought back many memories, some of them painful and few

of them fond.

I do not now, nor have I ever, lived in Houston. Many years ago,

however, when I worked for a MAJOR oil company in San Francisco, I

took a week-long business trip to Texas. Three of those five days

were in Houston. I was later told that my five page, single spaced,

trip report when I got back ultimately reached the Executive Offices

(having earned the nickname up the corporate ladder as " the business

trip to hell " ).

The last line of my trip report? " Now I understand the meaning of

the song - 'Happiness is Texas in the rear view mirror'. "