To All My Lupie Moms Out There

[Guest guest]

Pam, I lost two fiances to the war in Viet Nam, one in combat, and one to a nurse in the VA hospital

where he was treated after coming home. Either way, it hurt, and when I found that I couldn't have

any babies of my own, it was, for me, the last straw. I wanted kids so much, that I had been willing

to have them without benefit of life partner, just to be a mother. And, then, I heard about how

many kids were languishing in the foster system, and thought that maybe that was where I should

put my mothering instincts to work. I explored adoption through many agencies and was rejected

by all but one. They were remarkable in that they set up fost/adopt families where the child was

99% ready to adopt, but the courts would not sign off on them until a family had expressed the

desire to adopt them. I got three of mine that way, and all of them were under 3 years of age,

two of them barely 2 years old. I would have loved having an infant, but the need was greater with

toddlers, especially those who were drug exposed in utero. Then I got a chance to have a girl...

she was fourteen. Yup, and I don't regret a minute of it. We've had some big crises and some

little troubles, but I helped those kids make it safely to adulthood. The prospect of them making it

past their tenth birthdays where they were before, were practically nil. No matter what the final

outcome for them, I was able to do that much in their lives.

I have two sons still at home, one 15 and one 11. They are wonderful boys, and in truth, their

problems are not so very different from those of any other children. The chance you take when you

accept a child in this way is no greater than the chance you take of having a healthy infant born

to you. It's all a gamble, and mystery, isn't it? We never know where our blessings will come from,

and I wonder if you might not be selling your fiance short. Sometimes we project our own insecurities

on others, and then our fears become self-fulfilling prophecies. Our dreams can just as easily

be self-fulfilling, too, if we took the time and energy we waste on despair and applied it to optimism.

Ok, I'll get down off my soapbox, now, honey. Just some random thoughts on the whole question of

being a mother. I was the eldest of four children, second eldest and eldest girl in an extended family

of 56 first cousins, and worked my way through college as a nanny. So, mothering was in the blood

so to speak. If you want it hard enough, you will make it happen. Loving hugs, MM

[Guest guest]

HEY PAM ........ WELL I REALLY FEEL I NEED TO SHARE MY EXPERIENCE WITH YOU ... I WAS MARRIED AT 18 ... TO A REAL JERK MIND YOU ....... I WAS TOLD THAT THERE WAS NO WAY I WOULD EVEN CONCIEVE BECAUSE MY UTERUS LINING WAS TO THICK AND THERE WAS NO WAY AN EGG COULD IMPLANT THERE ....... WELL I LEFT THE JERK AND MET ANDY .... MY HUBBY .... AND I GOT PREGNANT THE SECOND TIME WE SLEPT TOGETHER .... MUCH TO MY SURPRISE....... NOW HERE WE ARE 3 MONSTERS LATER AND I KNOW I WILL NOT HAVE ANYMORE .... AFTER MY SON WELL IN THE 3RD MONTH WITH MY SON I DECIDED TO GET MY TUBES TIED .. IT WAS A BAD 9 MONTHS FOR ME I WAS IN A CONSTANT FLARE......... UNTILL THE TIME THAT I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT I WAS JUST HAPPY WITH MY GRAND NIECE AND NEPHEWS ...... THEY WERE MY LIFE ..... SO THINGS DONT ALWAYS TURN OUT LIKE YOU THINK THEY WILL ..... AND EVEN IF IT IS NOT YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD IT DOESNT MEAN THEY WONT MEAN THE WORLD TO YOU ...... MY DIL AND HIS EX WIFE COULDNT HAVE CHILDREN OF THIER OWN BUT THEY ADOPTED TWO GIRLS .... ONE HAD A ROUCH INFANCY ..... SHE WAS ABUSED BY HER MOM AND THE MOMS BOYFRIENDS,, SHE IS IN AN INSTITUTE NOW ... THE OTHER IS A TEACHER ...... AND KNOWS SHE IS LOVED AND IS SO LOVELING TO ALL ........ I JUST FIGURED WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT IT IS RIGHT ........ AND I FOR ONE WOULDNT WISH THE PAIN OF CHILDBIRTH ON ANYONE BUT IT IS WORTH ALL THE PAIN YOU GO THROUGH ......... PRAYER I FOUND DOES WORK WONDERS ......... AND I FEEL GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF BEFORE YOU GO ON WITH OTHERS IN YOUR LIFE ..........

ROMIE

I just need to vent. I am getting quite discouraged because I fear I will not be able to have a child. I have so many health problems going on, but really do not want to give up on becoming a mom. I have been pregnant 3 times and have had 3 miscarriages. I can't help but wonder if God has a plan for me not to be a mom. I know , and I hear it from everyone...u can adopt, you want mine? I just really want to experience that in my life. Am I being selfish? Do I want to pass any of my health problems to a child? My heart problems are hereditory in nature, and after implanted defibrillators, its either death or heart transplant. Could anyone ever really live with themselves (guilt free) if they knowingly had a possibility of passing that on. That's not even mentioning all this immunity shit. I can actually feel my fiance' not willing to set a firm wedding date because he wants to be a dad. He denies it and has been nothing but supportive to me. He helps me in any way he can. Does he just need to decide whether or not I am truely the one...cause chances are I cannot give him the child he so much wants. I just get so damn mad sometimes, particularily when I see people who have no business having children. But, bottom line, it is not my decision as to who gets to be a parent and who does not. Sorry for going on and on, just had to get this off my chest and put my thoughts and feelings out there to all my new pals. Thanks for listening and hugs to all, Pam

[Guest guest]

I just need to vent. I am getting quite discouraged because I fear I

will not be able to have a child. I have so many health problems

going on, but really do not want to give up on becoming a mom. I have

been pregnant 3 times and have had 3 miscarriages. I can't help but

wonder if God has a plan for me not to be a mom. I know , and I hear

it from everyone...u can adopt, you want mine? I just really want to

experience that in my life. Am I being selfish? Do I want to pass any

of my health problems to a child? My heart problems are hereditory in

nature, and after implanted defibrillators, its either death or heart

transplant. Could anyone ever really live with themselves (guilt

free) if they knowingly had a possibility of passing that on. That's

not even mentioning all this immunity shit. I can actually feel my

fiance' not willing to set a firm wedding date because he wants to be

a dad. He denies it and has been nothing but supportive to me. He

helps me in any way he can. Does he just need to decide whether or

not I am truely the one...cause chances are I cannot give him the

child he so much wants. I just get so damn mad sometimes,

particularily when I see people who have no business having children.

But, bottom line, it is not my decision as to who gets to be a parent

and who does not. Sorry for going on and on, just had to get this off

my chest and put my thoughts and feelings out there to all my new

pals. Thanks for listening and hugs to all, Pam