Guest guest Posted December 17, 2004 Report Share Posted December 17, 2004 Thanks for your insight, ...and for your number! I'll probably be giving you a call soon! (it was too late at night when I read the reply...didn't think you'd appreciate a call at THAT hour!) I saw your pictures. WOW. I mean, WOW!!!! You look fabulous, absolutely fabulous! Now, you said you had the tummy tuck, right? You must be feeling like a 15 year old nowadays. I am very, very proud of you. Don't know you yet, but I'm super proud of you. And I think it's really great that now that you are "there", you are reaching back your hand to help others. That's a real testament to your character. Thanks! Diane Duenas wrote: robynnI am 16 months post op. I had my WLS on 8/19/03 and my tummy and arms done on 9/1/04. I started at 315 pounds and now bounce between 147 and 150 depending on the time of the month. I really want to get to 135, but yes it is harder now. I have to really becareful and watch what I eat. Your stomach will stretch some, but not to the original capacity. This surgery is a tool that helps get the weight off quickly but also gives you time to learn the skills to keep it off. Its a day to day journey for the rest of my life. I have not gained any weight back...Im not at my personal goal yet. Dr Fisher doesnt think I will lose much more but Im determined to try. I am not perfect...I fight the snack demons everyday..minute by minute sometimes. Im a carb addict and one bit sometimes sets off a binge, but thankfully since the surgery those binges are far fewer calories than before. I am also a comfort eater. Im finding new things to do to replace the comfort food has brought to me. Im seeking happiness in friends and relationships instead. I refuse to go back. There are days that I look in the mirror and still see the person I was and have to remind myself that Im no longer that person. My photos are posted here and I carry them in my purse to reflect when I get in my self bashing moods. If it wasnt for this group and special friends like Gemello,and so many others I dont want to leave anyone out so I cant list them all...but this group saves me everyday. If you have any other questions or concerns you can email me or call me at . This is my cell number and anyone is welcome to call me if I can help them. This group has helped me so much I hope I can help at least one person going through this journey,Huggles> > Well, shoot...keep taking that Vicodin, Gem. If you can have THAT > kind of insight, and fluidity of thought on it, it must be doing you > wonders.> > > > Thank you for what you wrote, I actually broke down in tears about > it (and then got interrupted by some persistent little whacko asking > me to send him a picture of me. I wasn't even in a chat room, so I > don't know WHERE he came from.)> > In any event, what you wrote was quite moving. I really relate to > what you said. I, too, was a victim of sexual abuse. In my case, my > step-father was the culprit. I'm sure that I began eating as a way > to nurture myself, and also as a way to protect myself from his > sexual advances. I guess I thought that I could get myself to a > place where he wouldn't seek me out, anymore.> > > > It didn't work. And throughout my life, I've managed to attract > people to me regardless of my weight. Now, my weight doesn't serve > to protect me. Rather, it just makes me feel trapped. Isolated in > this place where only me and my self-disgust can dwell. I have > intimate relationships, both sexual and platonic...and I can be > pretty self-disclosing...but there is this core of me that I keep > away from everyone, my secret core. > > > > And I think I use weight as the final insulation for that core, you > know? > > > > I think that sometimes, as an overwieght person within a > relationship, it's easy to discount yourself. It's easy to become > overly accomodating...overly nice...overly gracious. Because you > feel less than. So, your needs matter less than anybody else.> > > > I just got out of a relationship with someone that I loved (love) > very much. He lives in France, and is this tragic, romantic figure > who has had some terrible trials in his life...particularly in the > last few years. And I found myself, more and more, caring about him > to the exclusion of myself. You know? Like, his sadness and tragedy > were the only things that mattered. I couldn't ask anything of him, > because my needs didn't count. I didn't count.> > > > And I wonder how much of that has to do with me being afraid to > hold my own, because I feel I'm lucky that this handsome, exotic guy > has anything to do with fat ole me?> > > > The weird thing is that, like many of my overweight brothers and > sisters out there in the world, I'm a pretty extraordinary person. > I'm insightful and kind. I'm there for people. I'm intuitive. I'm > creative and successful. I'm talented in a million different ways. > But for me, somehow NONE of that has mattered. I've always > felt "less than" because of my weight.> > > > I need, as you have done, to begin to define clear boundaries > BEFORE I get the operation. Realize that i DO count. Learn to > say, "hey, what about me? There are TWO of us here, remember?"> > > > What I wrote is incredibly rambling, and I'm not even on vicodin. > it's just that i have all of these feelings and fears and hopes > spilling out of me right now.> > > > This may be my year. I mean...after 40 years on this earth...this > may be my year to finally break free of all of the degradation and > imprisonment I've suffered through since I was an 8 year old girl. > Wow. To think about finally being free of all of that...to feel > entitled to look out for myself...to learn to say, "I count, too..." > It's an amazing thought.> > > > Thanks for your insight, Gem. I'll try to be more coherent in > future postings. > > > > BTW, I just received word that I've been accepted in the bariatric > program at Richmond. I am waiting for notification about the > orientation date (although I've already read all of the materials a > couple of times). I have my psych on January 6th. I want to get > weighed in SOON because I want to get this weight loss thing on the > road!> > > > I am currently at 248 lbs, and I'm 5'6". I have sleep apnea, and > polycystic ovarian syndrome...and hyperinsulinima. > > > > I've been on every diet in the book. I've lost 80 lbs twice...and > 60 lbs. recently (regained all but 12 lbs of it back). I need > something that will last. something that will work. I want, more > than anything...to have excessive weight no longer be the center of > my being, who I am. I don't want that protection anymore. i just > want to be healed...to deal with what I need to deal with.> > > > Interesting...I broke up with my French quasi boyfriend last > week...telling him that I feel like he's being self-destructive, and > just reaching out for various distractors rather than really working > on the core grief that he carries due to the difficulties he's had in > his life. I told him that he's young, young enough to envision a > beautiful life full of love and success ahead of him. But not so > young that he can afford to squander his time living day to day, > moment to moment...with no expenditure of energy devoted to his > healing process. I told him that for as long as he sought the > distractions, that pain would still be there. Buried for awhile, > maybe...but there. Needing to be handled, dealt with...fixed. So, > he shouldn't put it off...he should just get started on the hard > stuff...so that he can have the hope of real joy in the future.> > > > Wise words. It's time for me to recognize that I need to take my > own advice. Food has been my distractor. reach for food to avoid > dealing with the emotional pain. numb it. Get that endorphin rush, > that sugar rush. don't think. Don't feel. Fat has also served as a > distractor, "maybe he doesn't love me because I'm fat" is somehow > easier to handle than, "maybe he doesn't love me because I'm a whack > job, and my insecurities and neediness and fear of abandonment and > inability to trust have created an insurmountable wall..." easier to > think that eating a bit less will solve all of my problems. It's > harder to tackle the big issues. > > > > So, now I'm going to get rid of the distractors, and focus on the > real stuff. the hard stuff. Because I want to experience real joy > in my life. and the distractions aren't really doing their job, > anymore.> > > > thanks for letting me spew. I'll keep it shorter next time!!> > Robynn> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2004 Report Share Posted December 17, 2004 OMG Robynn thank you so much for the kind words. I absolutely feel like a 15 year old some days! LOL even to the point of wanting a tattoo as soon as Dr Fisher says its medically ok!! I did have a tummy tuck and " bat wings " removed from my arms on Sept 1st. Now if I could just afford to have my butt and thighs done Id be set. Oh well Im 40, so I guess some of the stuff I just need to chalk up to age. I hope I help at least one person, the way others helped me. Some days I feel like Im not giving back enough and then I get a message like yours and feel like Im making a difference some how. Of course, like everyone else, I struggle day to day to not turn to food for my emotions: boredom, excitement, stress etc. But like Gemello said, I think the fear of gaining weight back is healthy because it helps us stay focused. Coming in to this group and hearing Im not the only one dealing with certain issues is tremendously helpful and healing. Again, thanks for the boost today.... Huggles > > > Well, shoot...keep taking that Vicodin, Gem. If you can have > THAT > > kind of insight, and fluidity of thought on it, it must be doing > you > > wonders. > > > > > > Thank you for what you wrote, I actually broke down in tears > about > > it (and then got interrupted by some persistent little whacko > asking > > me to send him a picture of me. I wasn't even in a chat room, so I > > don't know WHERE he came from.) > > > In any event, what you wrote was quite moving. I really relate > to > > what you said. I, too, was a victim of sexual abuse. In my case, > my > > step-father was the culprit. I'm sure that I began eating as a way > > to nurture myself, and also as a way to protect myself from his > > sexual advances. I guess I thought that I could get myself to a > > place where he wouldn't seek me out, anymore. > > > > > > It didn't work. And throughout my life, I've managed to attract > > people to me regardless of my weight. Now, my weight doesn't serve > > to protect me. Rather, it just makes me feel trapped. Isolated in > > this place where only me and my self-disgust can dwell. I have > > intimate relationships, both sexual and platonic...and I can be > > pretty self-disclosing...but there is this core of me that I keep > > away from everyone, my secret core. > > > > > > And I think I use weight as the final insulation for that core, > you > > know? > > > > > > I think that sometimes, as an overwieght person within a > > relationship, it's easy to discount yourself. It's easy to become > > overly accomodating...overly nice...overly gracious. Because you > > feel less than. So, your needs matter less than anybody else. > > > > > > I just got out of a relationship with someone that I loved (love) > > very much. He lives in France, and is this tragic, romantic figure > > who has had some terrible trials in his life...particularly in the > > last few years. And I found myself, more and more, caring about > him > > to the exclusion of myself. You know? Like, his sadness and > tragedy > > were the only things that mattered. I couldn't ask anything of > him, > > because my needs didn't count. I didn't count. > > > > > > And I wonder how much of that has to do with me being afraid to > > hold my own, because I feel I'm lucky that this handsome, exotic > guy > > has anything to do with fat ole me? > > > > > > The weird thing is that, like many of my overweight brothers and > > sisters out there in the world, I'm a pretty extraordinary person. > > I'm insightful and kind. I'm there for people. I'm intuitive. > I'm > > creative and successful. I'm talented in a million different > ways. > > But for me, somehow NONE of that has mattered. I've always > > felt " less than " because of my weight. > > > > > > I need, as you have done, to begin to define clear boundaries > > BEFORE I get the operation. Realize that i DO count. Learn to > > say, " hey, what about me? There are TWO of us here, remember? " > > > > > > What I wrote is incredibly rambling, and I'm not even on > vicodin. > > it's just that i have all of these feelings and fears and hopes > > spilling out of me right now. > > > > > > This may be my year. I mean...after 40 years on this > earth...this > > may be my year to finally break free of all of the degradation and > > imprisonment I've suffered through since I was an 8 year old girl. > > Wow. To think about finally being free of all of that...to feel > > entitled to look out for myself...to learn to say, " I count, > too... " > > It's an amazing thought. > > > > > > Thanks for your insight, Gem. I'll try to be more coherent in > > future postings. > > > > > > BTW, I just received word that I've been accepted in the > bariatric > > program at Richmond. I am waiting for notification about the > > orientation date (although I've already read all of the materials a > > couple of times). I have my psych on January 6th. I want to get > > weighed in SOON because I want to get this weight loss thing on the > > road! > > > > > > I am currently at 248 lbs, and I'm 5'6 " . I have sleep apnea, and > > polycystic ovarian syndrome...and hyperinsulinima. > > > > > > I've been on every diet in the book. I've lost 80 lbs > twice...and > > 60 lbs. recently (regained all but 12 lbs of it back). I need > > something that will last. something that will work. I want, more > > than anything...to have excessive weight no longer be the center of > > my being, who I am. I don't want that protection anymore. i just > > want to be healed...to deal with what I need to deal with. > > > > > > Interesting...I broke up with my French quasi boyfriend last > > week...telling him that I feel like he's being self-destructive, > and > > just reaching out for various distractors rather than really > working > > on the core grief that he carries due to the difficulties he's had > in > > his life. I told him that he's young, young enough to envision a > > beautiful life full of love and success ahead of him. But not so > > young that he can afford to squander his time living day to day, > > moment to moment...with no expenditure of energy devoted to his > > healing process. I told him that for as long as he sought the > > distractions, that pain would still be there. Buried for awhile, > > maybe...but there. Needing to be handled, dealt with...fixed. So, > > he shouldn't put it off...he should just get started on the hard > > stuff...so that he can have the hope of real joy in the future. > > > > > > Wise words. It's time for me to recognize that I need to take my > > own advice. Food has been my distractor. reach for food to avoid > > dealing with the emotional pain. numb it. Get that endorphin > rush, > > that sugar rush. don't think. Don't feel. Fat has also served as > a > > distractor, " maybe he doesn't love me because I'm fat " is somehow > > easier to handle than, " maybe he doesn't love me because I'm a > whack > > job, and my insecurities and neediness and fear of abandonment and > > inability to trust have created an insurmountable wall... " easier > to > > think that eating a bit less will solve all of my problems. It's > > harder to tackle the big issues. > > > > > > So, now I'm going to get rid of the distractors, and focus on the > > real stuff. the hard stuff. Because I want to experience real joy > > in my life. and the distractions aren't really doing their job, > > anymore. > > > > > > thanks for letting me spew. I'll keep it shorter next time!! > > > Robynn > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2004 Report Share Posted December 17, 2004 OMG Robynn thank you so much for the kind words. I absolutely feel like a 15 year old some days! LOL even to the point of wanting a tattoo as soon as Dr Fisher says its medically ok!! I did have a tummy tuck and " bat wings " removed from my arms on Sept 1st. Now if I could just afford to have my butt and thighs done Id be set. Oh well Im 40, so I guess some of the stuff I just need to chalk up to age. I hope I help at least one person, the way others helped me. Some days I feel like Im not giving back enough and then I get a message like yours and feel like Im making a difference some how. Of course, like everyone else, I struggle day to day to not turn to food for my emotions: boredom, excitement, stress etc. But like Gemello said, I think the fear of gaining weight back is healthy because it helps us stay focused. Coming in to this group and hearing Im not the only one dealing with certain issues is tremendously helpful and healing. Again, thanks for the boost today.... Huggles > > > Well, shoot...keep taking that Vicodin, Gem. If you can have > THAT > > kind of insight, and fluidity of thought on it, it must be doing > you > > wonders. > > > > > > Thank you for what you wrote, I actually broke down in tears > about > > it (and then got interrupted by some persistent little whacko > asking > > me to send him a picture of me. I wasn't even in a chat room, so I > > don't know WHERE he came from.) > > > In any event, what you wrote was quite moving. I really relate > to > > what you said. I, too, was a victim of sexual abuse. In my case, > my > > step-father was the culprit. I'm sure that I began eating as a way > > to nurture myself, and also as a way to protect myself from his > > sexual advances. I guess I thought that I could get myself to a > > place where he wouldn't seek me out, anymore. > > > > > > It didn't work. And throughout my life, I've managed to attract > > people to me regardless of my weight. Now, my weight doesn't serve > > to protect me. Rather, it just makes me feel trapped. Isolated in > > this place where only me and my self-disgust can dwell. I have > > intimate relationships, both sexual and platonic...and I can be > > pretty self-disclosing...but there is this core of me that I keep > > away from everyone, my secret core. > > > > > > And I think I use weight as the final insulation for that core, > you > > know? > > > > > > I think that sometimes, as an overwieght person within a > > relationship, it's easy to discount yourself. It's easy to become > > overly accomodating...overly nice...overly gracious. Because you > > feel less than. So, your needs matter less than anybody else. > > > > > > I just got out of a relationship with someone that I loved (love) > > very much. He lives in France, and is this tragic, romantic figure > > who has had some terrible trials in his life...particularly in the > > last few years. And I found myself, more and more, caring about > him > > to the exclusion of myself. You know? Like, his sadness and > tragedy > > were the only things that mattered. I couldn't ask anything of > him, > > because my needs didn't count. I didn't count. > > > > > > And I wonder how much of that has to do with me being afraid to > > hold my own, because I feel I'm lucky that this handsome, exotic > guy > > has anything to do with fat ole me? > > > > > > The weird thing is that, like many of my overweight brothers and > > sisters out there in the world, I'm a pretty extraordinary person. > > I'm insightful and kind. I'm there for people. I'm intuitive. > I'm > > creative and successful. I'm talented in a million different > ways. > > But for me, somehow NONE of that has mattered. I've always > > felt " less than " because of my weight. > > > > > > I need, as you have done, to begin to define clear boundaries > > BEFORE I get the operation. Realize that i DO count. Learn to > > say, " hey, what about me? There are TWO of us here, remember? " > > > > > > What I wrote is incredibly rambling, and I'm not even on > vicodin. > > it's just that i have all of these feelings and fears and hopes > > spilling out of me right now. > > > > > > This may be my year. I mean...after 40 years on this > earth...this > > may be my year to finally break free of all of the degradation and > > imprisonment I've suffered through since I was an 8 year old girl. > > Wow. To think about finally being free of all of that...to feel > > entitled to look out for myself...to learn to say, " I count, > too... " > > It's an amazing thought. > > > > > > Thanks for your insight, Gem. I'll try to be more coherent in > > future postings. > > > > > > BTW, I just received word that I've been accepted in the > bariatric > > program at Richmond. I am waiting for notification about the > > orientation date (although I've already read all of the materials a > > couple of times). I have my psych on January 6th. I want to get > > weighed in SOON because I want to get this weight loss thing on the > > road! > > > > > > I am currently at 248 lbs, and I'm 5'6 " . I have sleep apnea, and > > polycystic ovarian syndrome...and hyperinsulinima. > > > > > > I've been on every diet in the book. I've lost 80 lbs > twice...and > > 60 lbs. recently (regained all but 12 lbs of it back). I need > > something that will last. something that will work. I want, more > > than anything...to have excessive weight no longer be the center of > > my being, who I am. I don't want that protection anymore. i just > > want to be healed...to deal with what I need to deal with. > > > > > > Interesting...I broke up with my French quasi boyfriend last > > week...telling him that I feel like he's being self-destructive, > and > > just reaching out for various distractors rather than really > working > > on the core grief that he carries due to the difficulties he's had > in > > his life. I told him that he's young, young enough to envision a > > beautiful life full of love and success ahead of him. But not so > > young that he can afford to squander his time living day to day, > > moment to moment...with no expenditure of energy devoted to his > > healing process. I told him that for as long as he sought the > > distractions, that pain would still be there. Buried for awhile, > > maybe...but there. Needing to be handled, dealt with...fixed. So, > > he shouldn't put it off...he should just get started on the hard > > stuff...so that he can have the hope of real joy in the future. > > > > > > Wise words. It's time for me to recognize that I need to take my > > own advice. Food has been my distractor. reach for food to avoid > > dealing with the emotional pain. numb it. Get that endorphin > rush, > > that sugar rush. don't think. Don't feel. Fat has also served as > a > > distractor, " maybe he doesn't love me because I'm fat " is somehow > > easier to handle than, " maybe he doesn't love me because I'm a > whack > > job, and my insecurities and neediness and fear of abandonment and > > inability to trust have created an insurmountable wall... " easier > to > > think that eating a bit less will solve all of my problems. It's > > harder to tackle the big issues. > > > > > > So, now I'm going to get rid of the distractors, and focus on the > > real stuff. the hard stuff. Because I want to experience real joy > > in my life. and the distractions aren't really doing their job, > > anymore. > > > > > > thanks for letting me spew. I'll keep it shorter next time!! > > > Robynn > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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