Andy Rooney

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Subject: Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney on .

Can you believe it? turned 28 this week. It seems like only

yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and

knees.

2.Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter". 3.Andy

Rooney on Prisoners. (ok I think this one is perfect) Did you know

that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?

Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my

house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I

don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think

they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate

electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair

that's hooked up to the generator.

4.Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then

I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their

breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives

mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get

that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

5.Andy Rooney on morning differences.

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in

the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the

women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"

It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic

nerve. 6.Andy Rooney on cripes

My wife's from the midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They

use

words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripes?

The

son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it.

You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

7. Rooney on Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior

Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?

Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that

dollar she gave you for your birthday.

8. Rooney on answering machines.

Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's

answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right

now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."

BEEP "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being

positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."