Re: Back Home Again in Indiana - viewable pics for Tracie...

[Guest guest]

Tracie (and others with same problem),

I know that you have trouble viewing some .jpeg/zip/or other pic files, so here they are...

Rose, your daughter is beautiful!!!...it's clear she got her looks from her mother!!!!...and you are beautiful even with your ice bags!!!

Joan

[Guest guest]

Hi ...I have not posted much lately and am feeling much in crap hell myself...it's the pain that keeps be from responding to alot of people's posts or my own depression and/or feeling that I just can't talk or don't have anything to add or give that day. VENT and please forgive some of us for not validating your feelings, We have all been there. Felt like kicking a doctor or all...feel like reaming out a friend or relative who hasssled you or didn't understand why you felt like shit. I think alot of us includiong myself have thought through the suicide route. But in the end you are assuming life would be better without you in the future. You are saying that they aren't strong enough to take this sickness either. Give them some credit. Give them a choice. I know from talking to members of my own family...husband and two boys, 22 and 19, that they would be hurt beyond

measure if I made that choice. Even if all I can do is lay in bed all day...at least I can be there as a sounding board for them, an advice giver, comforter...we can still watch movies together, share stories and laugh. The real description of bravery is.... doing it afraid. Fine...we are all afraid...but we can do it...mistakes and all. I don't have the medical memory or advice that others have on this board but I will tell you that you can say most anything about how this disease affects you and that noone will tell you that you don't have the right to say it. PISS!!! It will affect everyone differently and this list is a godsend...no way about it. The only trouble you'll find is if you get on here trying to sell some cure-all..of which there is none. I know of a lady who buys plates on sale just so she can throw them down and break them when she's really pissed off. I love that idea. The Great Sarc Plate

Break-Off. It is said that depression is anger turned inward. So , PLEASE...rant and rave and tell those who are messin with you to Fuck off. You'll feel immensely better. It is better to rant and/or throw plates than to hurt yourself or anyone else physically. Set up some boudaries for awhile and tell the ones that you can to go bugger off and leave you alone and that if they can't support you right now to go off from you for awhile. I've had to separate myself from those who don't believe that I am sick. Everyone has an inner bitch...it protects us from implodding upon ourselves. FYIB....Free your inner bitch!!!! , you are accepted in this group!!! S. ps don't even get me started on cars......lol

GARY WOOLARD wrote:

Hello,

here writing again. I had hard day with "wifee" today. I just had to get away for awhile so here am I. I confuse as to is whom in those pictures. Maybe it's because those brain cells are running into each other in my brain resulting from my bad day.

Awhile back I had said that "when I ever get depressed, all I had to think about what happen to Terria Hardy". Well like I think I said before, that isn't workin to well all and said and done. If things keep on going like they have been, either I'll end up in jail (snow-

ball chance in hell for that), in a mental hospital, or dead. Winning a lottery or sweep-

stakes, or someone gives me a lump some of money to start living separately more than likely won't happen either. I finding myself thinking those thoughts again like this sum-

mer. What is going to do? Like I said in e-mail earlier today. My car situation in it-

self could make anyone in sorry world have a heart attack and die just from being stress out this alone. I writing this with one of those "slice of pie pieces" (of my personality) to say I don't have much to continue living period. Not my wife, daughter, anyother family members are NOT a reason to think otherwise.

Today I read those e-mails that different people stated about pain. I think alot of ones that read these know that most of pain is not of the physical nature kind. So many "slices of that pie". I've holding alot of my thoughts about these things inside of myself for most part for years. I can "see" why people went to that Dr. Jack Kervokian years ago for a "assisted sucide" because of different diseases that they had. I can "see" why people kill themselves for various reasons over the years. You may think or say that don't think about this let alone trying to do this. No I'am not, but sometimes I can "see" that some point in future that death is better option or is a better choice of "evils". For those who didn't read the times I had written before such a Marla, I have talked to the counslor at the V.A. Clinic about what I just had stated. "Once healed wounds had opened up again, but the scars remain regardless.

If there is anyone who may have thought, ", I appreciate what you've said before about taking on this sarcoid stuff upon yourself". "And doing so you've said you would die from this", is or has made me depressed. Well, if this is the case I'am sorry, and won't state that again or any what I've written tonight. If there is anyone who thought I've been bitching or complaining let me know. I'll won't me mad. If I feel/detect that the majority of everyone "out there" thinks that I've been bitching about various things, situations, or events that happen in my past or present, I'll stop writting altogether to this support group. I will state something that I don't want anyone to change their opinion on that last sentence. One thing that has made me a desire to go another day in my present sorry life is writting to this website.

Over and Out,

pickstands@... wrote:

Tracie (and others with same problem),

I know that you have trouble viewing some .jpeg/zip/or other pic files, so here they are...

Rose, your daughter is beautiful!!!...it's clear she got her looks from her mother!!!!...and you are beautiful even with your ice bags!!!

Joan

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[Guest guest]

Hello,

here writing again. I had hard day with "wifee" today. I just had to get away for awhile so here am I. (It is good that you have a place -- us -- to come to) I confuse as to is whom in those pictures. (The pic's are Indiana Rose and her Granddaughter) Maybe it's because those brain cells are running into each other in my brain resulting from my bad day. (Yes, that can happen with stress ... and our disease only adds to it.)

Awhile back I had said that "when I ever get depressed, all I had to think about what happen to Terria Hardy". Well like I think I said before, that isn't workin to well all and said and done. If things keep on going like they have been, either I'll end up in jail (snow-

ball chance in hell for that), in a mental hospital, or dead. Winning a lottery or sweep-

stakes, or someone gives me a lump some of money to start living separately more than likely won't happen either. I finding myself thinking those thoughts again like this sum-

mer. What is going to do? Like I said in e-mail earlier today. My car situation in it-

self could make anyone in sorry world have a heart attack and die just from being stress out this alone. I writing this with one of those "slice of pie pieces" (of my personality) to say I don't have much to continue living period. Not my wife, daughter, anyother family members are NOT a reason to think otherwise. (, it is normal and human to leave those once-profound emotions we had regarding the horrors of others behind--you have your own unresolved and horrible issues which you are living with ... and you are living with them, even though it is so hard that you are contemplating permanent peace .... I understand that completely, as you may have seen from my recent posts and for reasons I have never posted ... I believe we, in this group, all embrace the "permanent peace" feeling and look forward to it ... one day ... you know what, ... your "wifee" may not care one way or another -- and so what!?!? ... you were not put on this earth to please her so much that pleasing her means killing yourself, you were not put here to have her cruelness destroy you and take you away -- unfortunately, there are far too many marriages where, at some point, one spouse wishes the other dead -- hell, we hear about those things on the news every day ... so, are you going to kill yourself because your wife doesn't like you?!?!?...you may or may not make her very happy by doing so...do you really want to make her happy in that way?...do you like her enough to make her that happy?!?...I think your marital problems started long before your illness ... have you ever tried marriage counseling?...and if it is past that point, you may not have a choice but to leave ... you are dying on earth by staying with her if the marriage is completely over with no chance of a turn-around ... you don't need money for a divorce at this point ... there are "divorce centers" which do not cost much ... and a separation will at least get you away from the "daily dying" ... after you leave, your wife may file for a divorce ... which means she will be paying for it ... and from your other posts, I think you said you live in an apartment?...in that case, there is no property you need to fight for; and your daughter is over 21, so there is no child support ...therefore, you don't have to pay for anything and will not owe anything ... you most likely won't have to pay any alimony since your wife has stayed married to you for a long time under little income from you ... and you are sick!!!!...how can you pay anyone anything if you are sick?!?!? ... okay, next problem ... where do you go with no money?...do you have any friends you could stay with?...can you have a serious talk with your parents and stay with them?...I know this will be difficult, but is it the lesser of 2 evils?...I know your relationship with your father is not good, but remember one thing ... he is your father ... like I said in a previous e-mail -- it is clear that he does care -- he has helped you with your car before and has offered recently ... AND I KNOW HE DOES NOT WANT YOU DEAD!!!! ... if you talk to him, man-to-man, son-to-father, without anger -- even if he shows it, don't you ... break down, let the tears flow ... he will have compassion for his son ... you are his blood!...and if he doesn't show compassion, he will come around ... and if he never does, e-mail us again and we will work on the next possibilities. And what about your mother?...I've never heard you say anything about her being as mean as all the others have. Your daughter is probably close to her mother?...however, remember one thing ... your daughter is YOUR DAUGHTER TOO ... and one day, when she is older, she will be thinking/analyzing herself and her parents ... every child, at some point, analyzes his/her parents ... no matter what the relationship is. Even though she may not show it to you, she does love you. Is she mean to you also?...What kind of relationship do you have with her?)

Today I read those e-mails that different people stated about pain. I think alot of ones that read these know that most of pain is not of the physical nature kind (how true!!!...mental pain is much worse! ... for me, it is a break after the physical pain which does not allow me to feel mental pain during physical pain ... well, once I am in a lower-pain break, the mental pain is very bad). So many "slices of that pie". I've holding alot of my thoughts about these things inside of myself for most part for years. I can "see" why people went to that Dr. Jack Kervokian (funny you should mention him ... I just thought about finding someone like him and having him/her ready ... just in case) years ago for a "assisted sucide" because of different diseases that they had. I can "see" why people kill themselves for various reasons over the years. You may think or say that don't think about this let alone trying to do this. No I'am not, but sometimes I can "see" that some point in future that death is better option or is a better choice of "evils". (This, I have heard or read, is normal ... for me, I feel comfort in knowing that the bay beach -- my favorite place in the world--is only blocks away--and feel comfort in knowing I am, when I can, throwing things out, writing letters to friends and family -- and "preparing to take that final walk into my favorite place on earth" ... it doesn't mean I am going to, it just gives me comfort knowing I can -- my biggest problem, as strange as it sounds, is my cat ... no one will love/care for him the way I do ... I still need to resolve that before I can relax, knowing that I can "go" if it ever gets too bad. I, like Tracie, have talked with my husband about this ... and he, like Tracie's husband, became furious ... I told him that I do not want him to have to take care of an invalid ... I find myself often apologizing I got sick ... and he gets very mad at that, as well ... then, he cries ... and I feel terrible ... I also had a talk with my parents the other day and told them my diagnosis ... I did not tell them what it really means ... since we sold our home because I could no longer take care of it or help pay for it anymore, we moved into the upstairs of my father's home ... when Joe is at work or at the doctors as he is also on disability after a car accident last spring, my father is my caretaker -- I apologized to my father yesterday for becoming sick ... I could see the tears mustering up ... my father takes me to most of my dr. appt's ... I have to wait the 1-1/2 hour ride home until I can come upstairs and cry by myself) For those who didn't read the times I had written before such a Marla, I have talked to the counslor at the V.A. Clinic about what I just had stated. "Once healed wounds had opened up again, but the scars remain regardless. (Your counselor is right ... as my counselor told me, "you have put a "bandaid" on your old wounds, and that bandaid has been ripped off ... the wound has not healed and is growing")

If there is anyone who may have thought, ", I appreciate what you've said before about taking on this sarcoid stuff upon yourself". "And doing so you've said you would die from this", is or has made me depressed. Well, if this is the case I'am sorry, and won't state that again or any what I've written tonight. If there is anyone who thought I've been bitching or complaining let me know. I'll won't me mad. If I feel/detect that the majority of everyone "out there" thinks that I've been bitching about various things, situations, or events that happen in my past or present, I'll stop writting altogether to this support group. (, don't ever apologize or not write what you are feeling/thinking ... you need to let it all out ... I can only speak for myself, but I believe others will agree ... there is nothing you can say that will not listen or not want to hear what you have and need to say ... please, I told you before, do not stop writing ... it is healthy for you to do so and you definitely need to do so, as we all do.) I will state something that I don't want anyone to change their opinion on that last sentence. One thing that has made me a desire to go another day in my present sorry life is writting to this website. (I am glad about that ... you are realizing you do have true friends who care and are finally listening to you ... we may not be able to buy you a car or fix your marriage or make your disease go away, but you are FINALLY BEING HEARD!!! and, I thank you for hearing me, too!!!! ... also, , I have not forgotten about the writing to your family I promised ... I am writing it for all of us ... and I'm still in the finishing stages of it ... it will be posted soon.)

Hearing you loud and clear!,

Joan

Over and Out,