Kathy Re: Does thinking this way make me a bad person?

August 18, 2004

Kathy, you put this a good way, that it is a disease with them. I'm an ex-smoker and I know it took a lot of resolve to get over it. No matter how much effort I put into my MS, migraines and whatever it won't go away. Maybe too, I didn't know Kerry good enough to be that sad for him.

Thanks for telling me,

Shirleyklo5@... wrote:

Shirls....No one is a bad person for what they feel or don't feel. I go through periods of feeling both ways on this issue. There are a large number of addicts in my family, and I often get very frustrated with it and refuse to feel sorry for them. Denny has been sober for over 17 years now, my brother is up to one year ( this time), and my b-i-l still gets loaded every night after work, despite a couple of stays in detox and rehab.

It is hard to accept that it is a disease, when they can stop drinking and drugging and we can't stop being ill, but the fact is...it is a disease. There is a chemical imbalance, not unlike an allergy, that causes them to crave alcohol, drugs, etc. Even after 17 years Denny still battles this on an almost daily basis. Getting sober isn't an easy thing and involves a spiritual change and a very strong resolve and constant vigilance. That means that what would be a tough time for any of us (for instance a death of someone close) becomes much harder for an addict because their guard is down, being focused on the event, and they have to try to be vigilant and deal with the crisis at the same time. It's hard for me to understand, it's hard for anyone not an addict to understand.

I guess what I'm saying is that addicts are never well either...they have good times and bad times with their illness just like we do. The control they have over their illness is more obvious than that we have over ours is all. For example, I've never known a diabetic that sticks completely, always, to their diet...and I've done alot of diabetic teaching and care over the years. I've had patients lose their limbs because they just couldn't totally stick to the required lifestyle....and I've had the same feeling that you are having about this guy at times...I mean, Geez..if you're going to lose a limb you'd think it would make sticking to the diet easier...but it doesn't.

Same with smokers...which is actually a nicotine addiction.

All of us on the group (and I'm saying this as I'm recouping from my long weekend trip) tend to overdo at times, knowing that we will pay for it and maybe even trigger a flare that will take months to recoup from.

I guess what I'm saying is that we all get frustrated with people for various reasons..and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way, it's normal. And it is harder to not get frustrated with addicts because we see it as a choice, but it isn't completely a choice. Heck, Denny gets frustrated with me when I overdo because he knows I'll pay for it, but I try to choose when it is enough of a payoff to overdo and go through the recoup.

You are NOT a bad person, we all know that.

((((hugs))))

Kathy

-------------- Original message --------------

I'll try to tell this without being confusing.

A guy who was a FT firefighter and paramedic on our dept got booted off because they gave him 3 chances to sober up from drugs and booze. The dept paid for rehab the last 2 times. His mom was killed last year by a lawnmower rolling over on her. Sunday night he was in an accident. He was on his motorcycle not wearing a helmet and has a large hole in his head. I don't know the details of the accident. Wait, I'm talking to someone now, they called to see if we had heard. His license was suspended. Good chance he wasn't loaded. The time line didn't give him enough time to drink and get drunk but there was 35 minutes and he could have taken drugs. But....Last I heard, 1) they did a scan this am to test his brain activity. I'm talking to someone now and there was slight brain activity on the right side. 2) They are going to do another scan in the am. His organs will be donated if there is no activity.

My dilemma. I don't feel much remorse. People are saying he's had a rough time the past 3 years. His mom, sure that was bad. But his drinking, drugs and suspended license he could have controlled. Am I bad for feeling this way? I can't control my diseases. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, but I just can't feel much about this. I cry at sad things but this doesn't make me want to cry.

Thanks,

Shirley Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com

August 19, 2004

I think you're probably right about not knowing him well enough. One thing I find as I'm getting older is that I'm not feeling as sorry for most people I don't know as I did when I was younger. I mean I'll think "well, that's a shame" and move on. When I was younger I'd dwell on it and allow myself to think about their family, etc...now I just don't allow myself to go down that road. I think part of the reason is that with everything that has happened in my life I have a bigger frame of reference...I don't have to think "what must that be like?" and dwell on it because much of the time I have a pretty darn good idea what it's like, LOL. And I must admit I have more of a "get over it" attitude about many things than I did when I was younger.

Also, and not to belabor a point, but while you were no doubt physically addicted to your smokes, you aren't an addict. If so you would have way more than one addiction. More likely with you (as with alot of people, but I was lucky enough not to go there) you started smoking when you were younger because other people around you were, or whatever reason. With a true addict it takes more than just a strong resolve, and they are never over it...it's a daily fight for the rest of their lives. That's why "once an addict, always an addict". There is never an ex-addict, only an addict in remission, or "in recovery" as they say, not ever, ever, recovered. That's why I've told my kids that if any thing happens to me and Denny is still alive they need to sort of nurse maid him for awhile, because if he ever does start up again, he's already told me he doesn't "have another quit" in him...it's a daily fight as it is. Like I said, it is hard for anyone not an addict to understand completely....I've lived with it my entire life and while I have an intellectual understanding of it, and a gut understanding from being around it so much, I can't say I completely get it. But like I said before...their disease won't go away either, the active phase of it may (with alot of very hard work and much support from those around them) go into remission, just like any of our illnesses can, but it is just in hiding never cured. I've had MS patients who had remissions of 20 or more years, so it is very possible that you won't have to be in your current condition constantly for the rest of your life. Same with the migraines....I used to get them regularly for years, then they quieted down to about one a year or so, now they are back with a vengence....at least once a month I'm having a week where I have one daily. (actually I have to get my butt to the Doc about that soon...because I know there are new meds, and other things that can be done to at least make them more tolerable or less frequent).