Guest guest Posted January 13, 2004 Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 Hi a B. I don't know what's going on with me a.......I feel like I' m spiraling down into a pit of depression the last few weeks. It' getting harder and harder to find a reason to keep on keepin' on. I'm on the verge of tears all the time, and I know from past experience that if I don't do something about it I'm in trouble. The thing is , I can't put my finger on what to fix. How can I fix the anger and frustration of knowing I'm never going to feel healthy again? How can I fix the yearning to bathe in the sunlight ,and fresh air of a cool, green meadow,as I hike into the foothills to pick wildflowers, then swim in a clear stream ,and play fetch with a wonderful dog? How can I fix the Pain of loneliness, of knowing that my children think of calling or coming by to visit me as a distasteful chore to be avoided at all costs? I can't seem to find that `Peace 'that I've made with my lupus. I guess I' m just angry at God, and the universe for looseing the Wolf to wreak havoc upon the lives of all of us. When I read the posts of you and the other Lupies who are suffering so much pain, my anger boils up to the point of spilling over into a rage that's like a parasite attaching itself to my soul and slowly devouring it. There's just so much rage !! I guess I'm in a sort of a crisis right now ,and I gotta fix it some how, or it's gonna take me under. I've been there before,and I don't want to go again! It's an ugly, scarey,hateful place to be. I don't have any thing to hang on to. There's just nothing, or no one there !!!a B wrote: C. - What's going on with you? Hugs - a B Re: FW: The Older We Get . . . (nudity)try again Jeannette , thanks for the smiles...........I needed something to smile about to day........ Jeanette lin wrote: "Senior" Personal Ads Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?) FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp- dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and I am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, very good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. "The LUPIES Store" Come check out our store...http://www.cafepress.com/thelupies"The LUPIES Web Page"http://www.itzarion.com/lupusgroup.html"The LUPIES online photo albums!" Check out what your fellow Lupies look like...http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?username=lupies Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2004 Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 Hi a B. I don't know what's going on with me a.......I feel like I' m spiraling down into a pit of depression the last few weeks. It' getting harder and harder to find a reason to keep on keepin' on. I'm on the verge of tears all the time, and I know from past experience that if I don't do something about it I'm in trouble. The thing is , I can't put my finger on what to fix. How can I fix the anger and frustration of knowing I'm never going to feel healthy again? How can I fix the yearning to bathe in the sunlight ,and fresh air of a cool, green meadow,as I hike into the foothills to pick wildflowers, then swim in a clear stream ,and play fetch with a wonderful dog? How can I fix the Pain of loneliness, of knowing that my children think of calling or coming by to visit me as a distasteful chore to be avoided at all costs? I can't seem to find that `Peace 'that I've made with my lupus. I guess I' m just angry at God, and the universe for looseing the Wolf to wreak havoc upon the lives of all of us. When I read the posts of you and the other Lupies who are suffering so much pain, my anger boils up to the point of spilling over into a rage that's like a parasite attaching itself to my soul and slowly devouring it. There's just so much rage !! I guess I'm in a sort of a crisis right now ,and I gotta fix it some how, or it's gonna take me under. I've been there before,and I don't want to go again! It's an ugly, scarey,hateful place to be. I don't have any thing to hang on to. There's just nothing, or no one there !!!a B wrote: C. - What's going on with you? Hugs - a B Re: FW: The Older We Get . . . (nudity)try again Jeannette , thanks for the smiles...........I needed something to smile about to day........ Jeanette lin wrote: "Senior" Personal Ads Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?) FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp- dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and I am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, very good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. "The LUPIES Store" Come check out our store...http://www.cafepress.com/thelupies"The LUPIES Web Page"http://www.itzarion.com/lupusgroup.html"The LUPIES online photo albums!" Check out what your fellow Lupies look like...http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?username=lupies Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2004 Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 Hi a B. I don't know what's going on with me a.......I feel like I' m spiraling down into a pit of depression the last few weeks. It' getting harder and harder to find a reason to keep on keepin' on. I'm on the verge of tears all the time, and I know from past experience that if I don't do something about it I'm in trouble. The thing is , I can't put my finger on what to fix. How can I fix the anger and frustration of knowing I'm never going to feel healthy again? How can I fix the yearning to bathe in the sunlight ,and fresh air of a cool, green meadow,as I hike into the foothills to pick wildflowers, then swim in a clear stream ,and play fetch with a wonderful dog? How can I fix the Pain of loneliness, of knowing that my children think of calling or coming by to visit me as a distasteful chore to be avoided at all costs? I can't seem to find that `Peace 'that I've made with my lupus. I guess I' m just angry at God, and the universe for looseing the Wolf to wreak havoc upon the lives of all of us. When I read the posts of you and the other Lupies who are suffering so much pain, my anger boils up to the point of spilling over into a rage that's like a parasite attaching itself to my soul and slowly devouring it. There's just so much rage !! I guess I'm in a sort of a crisis right now ,and I gotta fix it some how, or it's gonna take me under. I've been there before,and I don't want to go again! It's an ugly, scarey,hateful place to be. I don't have any thing to hang on to. There's just nothing, or no one there !!!a B wrote: C. - What's going on with you? Hugs - a B Re: FW: The Older We Get . . . (nudity)try again Jeannette , thanks for the smiles...........I needed something to smile about to day........ Jeanette lin wrote: "Senior" Personal Ads Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?) FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp- dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and I am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, very good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. "The LUPIES Store" Come check out our store...http://www.cafepress.com/thelupies"The LUPIES Web Page"http://www.itzarion.com/lupusgroup.html"The LUPIES online photo albums!" Check out what your fellow Lupies look like...http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?username=lupies Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2004 Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 Hi , It's times like this when all the book learning in the world just doesn't get it. This is a time when what is needed can only come from the heart. Reality is, life sucks sometimes. With many of us it sucks a good share of the time. Why me? What did I do? I know you are past those questions. Why you? - genetics and luck of the draw. What did you do? - nothing. What did I do to end up in such physical pain so much of the time? That's just how it has turned out. A very wise man once said that our needs, the things in life we truly need are most generally met by someone else. When something goes on and we are really down, it is most usually someone we know. They are able to help, they are able to understand and see us through because of having had a similar experience. I've had 6 miscarriages. How could that ever be a good thing? How could those experiences ever be of benefit to anyone, let alone me? Then one night late while working at a hospital I was assigned as nurse to a woman in labor. It should have been such a happy time, but she was way early and the chances of the baby being able to live outside of it's comfortable home were very slim. I sat and held her hand and we talked. Her husband was out of town. She had no family within several hundred miles and with it being so late at night, didn't want to bother her neighbors. So there the two of us sat - - , I knew exactly how she felt. There wasn't a tiny bit of what she was experiencing that I didn't know by heart. On my way home that next morning I thought to myself how very good it was to have had miscarriages. I would still rather not have experienced the loss of 6 babies. But sitting with that young woman was not the only time I have found myself thankful for the experience. How can someone say they understand, truly understand and not have walked that same path? , our path is painful. It can be extremely depressing. I find myself wondering what I'm worth. Hell, I don't even do laundry any more. I don't drive or clean house or cook. If I do much of anything at all I am in bed for days. What am I worth? , I am a complete burden to my husband, children and the rest of my family. What can I do to change that?? Nothing! But there are things that I do and try to do as best I can. One of those things I am doing right now. I'm writing a letter to someone who has come to mean a great deal to me. Someone who has said things that have helped me a lot. I can try my best to be an example of courage and faith. I can love my family even with their imperfections. What is the alternative ? You and I both know what the choices are. , I know it's hard. I know what you have written in your post is true. I know how bad you feel. But - I will not accept anything but improvement. I need you as my friend and sounding board. I suggest you start writing. Write starting from day one of memory and go from there. Write from the heart. You have a great deal to share - so many people you can help through the healing process with what you have to say. I love you and I need for you to hang in there. I hope too that you are taking your antidepressant. You may need to have it increased or add a new one. Please see your doctor ASAP. Hugs - a B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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