New Member

Posted August 16, 2009 · August 16, 2009

Hello everyone!

My name is a. I live in NC. I was dx with MS on June 1 of this year. I'm a

single mama (recently divorced). Currently on Rebif. Had surgery in June and

liked not to made it. I finally get to go back to work on Tuesday! Woo hoo!

I'm looking for people to talk too, support, laugh with, etc. Just trying to

feel the group out.

~Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it

together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true

strength.~

Posted August 6, 2010 · August 6, 2010

Dear Michele,

Welcome! I am relatively new to this site as well.

I too am a teacher. I too am an only child (my mother is a single parent). I too

found it really hard to acknowledge that a lot of my mother's behaviour is

abusive as it felt like betrayal. I too have grieved the possibility of ever

having a " normal " , healthy relationship with her. I too have a child and wonder

how they might be able to sustain any kind of relationship at the same time as

me setting boundaries. My mother is also incredibly persistent and controlling-

to say the very least ...

I have basically been trying to set some very strong boundaries after strings of

angry, nasty phone calls and messages (she flips from being super nice, caring

mum to having rages where I am the worst person on earth). In the past I've

" forgiven and forgotten " so to speak and accepted her ridiculous excuses, but

like you, I am utterly fed up and unwilling for the cycle to continue.I have

pretty much tried to set up weekly catch ups and she hasn't reacted well. I

don't think she has liked her power being taken away. I think that's what it all

comes back to- their absolute need for control and their utter fear of betrayal.

Sadly ironic as their behaviour tends to manifest their worst fears.

Anyway, she has recently told me she is divorcing me amid a string of 33 or so

mostly unanswered sms messages. Somehow I don't think that'll be the last I hear

from her. It just goes on and on no matter what I do. It is always on my mind in

one way or another- guilt, sadness, worry, doubt etc.

I don't feel things are resolved. Nor do I know how they ever can be.

However I do know a couple of things that are helping me stay strong in my

boundary setting. The most important realisation for me I think is that I know I

am not responsible for her happiness/well-being. I also know that my own needs

are important and that it is healthy to recognise these, set boundaries and not

accept abusive behaviour from anyone.

You're situation is tricky, and I don't know the answer, but please consider how

important your needs are and that by taking good care of yourself (that may mean

taking time away from your Nada), you are being the best mother you can be for

your child.

This is not easy and I'm not sure of the answer to your question, but I do know

that being part of this site has helped me enormously. Reading other people's

posts is often like reading parts of my own story and although it's never nice

that others are facing hardships, it does help to know that you're not alone.

Keep writing. The support and advice here is just amazing. Remember that you are

not alone!

I wish you all the best for your journey.

With warmth,

Lynda

>

> Hi. I'm Michele and I have a NADA. Saying this is really hard as I want to

love my mother, and I'd like to have a normal relationship with her. Sadly,

after all this time, I'm starting to see that this might be impossible. I am in

my mid-30s, a teacher, and a single mother to one son. My Mom has always tried

to " run " my life and make my decisions, and it is only now that I am starting to

see how hurtful this has been. We must all " comply " with her and at once, or

there is hell to pay. She is persistent beyond all imagination. I am tired of

living this way. I am tired of her coming into my house and being emotionally

abusive. Sometimes it is just so easy to get caught in her " world " and believe

all that she says about and to me. She refuses to comply with boundaries that I

set, and seeing multiple therapists with her has done little good. I am

exhausted by being with her and actually broke out in hives when we were

together yesterday. Breaking away

> seems impossible as my parents are very involved (and very good) with my son.

I am an only child, so they are the only close family members that he has.

Moving away would devastate him as he sees them daily. Is there a way for him to

have them in his life and for me not to be dominated by her?

> Thank you for listening.

> Michele

>

Posted August 6, 2010 · August 6, 2010

Michele and Lynda - Hello and welcome. Several of us here are parents, and

dealing with our kids' relationship with Nada is an ongoing topic of discussion.

Seems like it's always a balancing act (just like everything else we do

with/about Nada!) (Nada is our term here for 'not-a-mom' - " Fada " is the

paternal version)

From my experience (my son's in his late teens), maybe this will help a little -

it seems that our BPD moms become less enchanted with their children and

grandchildren as the kids get older and develop their own personalities - it's

not as easy to control the kids, harder to make them fit into Nada's fantasy

image. So, while parents of young children have to contend with Nada's desire

to have close contact with the children - coupled with the kids' desire to see

their Grandma, this may well change over the years. Once Nada starts getting

frustrated with the behavior of an older child, she may stop hassling you for

contact. And once your child is old enough to realize there's something weird

about Grandma, he/she may stop asking to visit. So the problem may resolve

itself.

If you raise your kids in a mentally healthy environment, they WILL be able to

discern the difference in Grandma's behavior, and it will begin to make them

uncomfortable - this is not a matter of you denigrating your mom, or " ruining

their relationship " (which is something I get accused of, all the time). It's a

GOOD thing for kids to recognize crazy behavior and stay at arm's length. I've

tried to be as kind as possible when explaining my mother's behavior to my son,

but eventually he saw it for what it is, and now we just accept that she's nuts,

do what we can to make sure she doesn't invade our home or mental health, and

grit our teeth for very rare visits and phone calls.

One thing - when your kids start having dance recitals, or honors assemblies at

school, or playing in concerts - you may have to protect that information and

only let Nada know about it after the fact. My mom is perfectly capable of

disrupting a school assembly by arriving late, demanding special seating,

talking loudly, then dominating any after-concert celebration and having a fit

if she's not the center of attention. So she is not invited to any of these

things. They are events where the kids should take center stage, and Nada just

can't stand that. At this point, I am certain that she won't even be invited to

her grandson's high school graduation. It's that serious. Just giving you a

heads up here...

> >

> > Hi. I'm Michele and I have a NADA. Saying this is really hard as I want to