Interesting Article - FARTE???

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WASHINGTON, January 23, 2006 - It has long been known that flatulence is a

danger to Astronauts. " An astronaut can be blown away by his or her own

intestinal gas, which can also pollute the air inside space capsules " , according

to Li Tanqiu, an aerospace expert reported in Xinhua. American and Russian

astronauts have confessed that, in space, there is no such thing as toilet

humor. In a microgravity environment, flatulence, which contains flammable

gases, like hydrogen and firedamp, can more easily ignite.

Now, those same dangers have been tied to our first responders. “In the

oxygen-rich environment of an ambulance, flatulence is a real danger”, said Dr.

E.C. Nalubma. The psychological effects of these occurrences; dubbed,

Flatulence Ambulance Related Trauma Event have long been known to researchers.

Ambulance Driver Head said, “Just imagine being locked in an 8’ X 5’ X

5’ box with a patient that has really bad gas. There is no escape, and some

transports can take several hours.”

Dr. E.C. Nalumba listed several explosions that were linked to the sudden

release of methane and other flammable gases into the back of ambulances. There

was a case reported just last night. An ambulance was called to a residence for

a cardiac arrest. While transporting to Our Lady of the Night Hospital there

was a sudden explosion in the ambulance that left little more than the chassis.

Apparently the patient had expelled large quantities of gas into the

ambulance. It is believed that the ambulance attendant determined that the

patient required defibrillation, a process where electrical shocks are delivered

directly to the heart. The subsequent spark caused the ignition of built up

gases in the ambulance. One ambulance attendant and two firefighters received

burns and other injured in the ensuing explosion. The patient received 3rd

degree burns over a large portion of his body. The patient probably succumbed

to the initial arrest, although the full results of the autopsy are pending.

“Much more research is needed on the problem now known as Flatulence Ambulance

Related Trauma Event (FARTE)”, stated Dr. E.C. Nalumba. “We know there is a

problem, with potentially deadly effects, we’re just not sure what we can do

about it at this point. In the mean time, we encourage all ambulance drivers

and attendants to watch and listen for the warning signs. If they believe there

is a potential for this phenomenon, please open a window and attempt to diminish

the build up of these gases into the ambulance compartment. We are studying a

design by the Chinese that is used on their Shenzhou-6 spaceship. Astronauts

aboard the Shenzhou-6 are using a soft plastic hose and air-pumping device that

conveniently sucks gases into a fixed container. We believe that attaching this

device to every patient, we might be able to reduce the incidence of flatulence

related explosions dramatically.”

E. Tate, LP

Whitehouse, Texas

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