Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 , I landed myself in the hospital two years afo with those same feelings...I guess you never learn how not to feel guily, I think they pretty much have to make you realize, or you have to realize that it's a give take relationship...they put you through junk in life too. It's just nice coming through it all together. Shay Join my new Diabetic Recipes group @ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Recipes4Diabetes God Bless You All, Shay/Shalynn and the rescue gang; Max, Samson, Zeuss, Tazz, Walter, Ralph, Sebastian, Tina Marie, Bear, Bogie & Jake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 , I landed myself in the hospital two years afo with those same feelings...I guess you never learn how not to feel guily, I think they pretty much have to make you realize, or you have to realize that it's a give take relationship...they put you through junk in life too. It's just nice coming through it all together. Shay Join my new Diabetic Recipes group @ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Recipes4Diabetes God Bless You All, Shay/Shalynn and the rescue gang; Max, Samson, Zeuss, Tazz, Walter, Ralph, Sebastian, Tina Marie, Bear, Bogie & Jake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 , I landed myself in the hospital two years afo with those same feelings...I guess you never learn how not to feel guily, I think they pretty much have to make you realize, or you have to realize that it's a give take relationship...they put you through junk in life too. It's just nice coming through it all together. Shay Join my new Diabetic Recipes group @ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Recipes4Diabetes God Bless You All, Shay/Shalynn and the rescue gang; Max, Samson, Zeuss, Tazz, Walter, Ralph, Sebastian, Tina Marie, Bear, Bogie & Jake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 bluskies@... wrote: >(I had knee repair surgery and a hysto all within 6 > months of our getting married). I've never been back to " normal " since > those first two surgeries - Hummh, must be something about knees. My knee went " bad " and life has never gone back to what it was before that. I slowly went downhill, and a lot of things Dane took over from me on a " temporary " basis, he is still doing. > But for the last few years, he's had to do ALL of the cooking, > ALL of the housework (which he's terrible at, doesn't really do, and > hates), ALL of the laundry, driving, my personal care, etc. Basically I'm > a bump on a log asking and/or telling him what to do all day. Dane basically does it all too. I'd really like things to be a lot cleaner around here, but I feel like I ask so much of him now, I hate to ask him to do more cleaning. I mostly sit around all day too. I try to do a little bit, like emptying the dishwasher on a good day, but even that doesn't always get done. > He doesn't > come out and say it, but I know that he feels cheated, and I know that he > now feels " obligated " to me - that old 'for better or for worse, sickness & > health' thing. So - how do we learn not to feel guilty about messing up > some poor unsuspecting soul's life? You might want to actually ask him sometime. Several of us have mentioned that we were sure our spouses were feeling a certain way, and it turns out that they weren't, we just thought they were. We didn't do anything to get this way, so *we* didn't " mess up " someone's live. It is our illness that has caused life to be difficult. And in my good moments, I try to remember, this is part of what " for better or for worse " means. It means that you love the person enough, that no matter what happens, you'll stand by him/her. After all, we could have been in a car accident, one day after getting married and been paralyzed from the neck down. It doesn't promise we'll have 30 good years together before we hit problems. To try and help with my guilt, I try to help do the little stuff when I can. He hates cleaning cat boxes, so I really try to make that the one thing I do on a regular basis. I clean most of them while sitting down on a stool, and it takes me 1/2-1 hour afterwards of doing absolutely nothing afterwards, but I really try to do that because I know how much he hates it. I don't know, I don't have any real answers to the guilty issue. I do know, when I am feeling really guilty about it, he gets mad at me for feeling that way. He isn't upset at me, he isn't happy with the disease, but I didn't pick it, so he doesn't think I should feel guilty. Darcy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 bluskies@... wrote: >(I had knee repair surgery and a hysto all within 6 > months of our getting married). I've never been back to " normal " since > those first two surgeries - Hummh, must be something about knees. My knee went " bad " and life has never gone back to what it was before that. I slowly went downhill, and a lot of things Dane took over from me on a " temporary " basis, he is still doing. > But for the last few years, he's had to do ALL of the cooking, > ALL of the housework (which he's terrible at, doesn't really do, and > hates), ALL of the laundry, driving, my personal care, etc. Basically I'm > a bump on a log asking and/or telling him what to do all day. Dane basically does it all too. I'd really like things to be a lot cleaner around here, but I feel like I ask so much of him now, I hate to ask him to do more cleaning. I mostly sit around all day too. I try to do a little bit, like emptying the dishwasher on a good day, but even that doesn't always get done. > He doesn't > come out and say it, but I know that he feels cheated, and I know that he > now feels " obligated " to me - that old 'for better or for worse, sickness & > health' thing. So - how do we learn not to feel guilty about messing up > some poor unsuspecting soul's life? You might want to actually ask him sometime. Several of us have mentioned that we were sure our spouses were feeling a certain way, and it turns out that they weren't, we just thought they were. We didn't do anything to get this way, so *we* didn't " mess up " someone's live. It is our illness that has caused life to be difficult. And in my good moments, I try to remember, this is part of what " for better or for worse " means. It means that you love the person enough, that no matter what happens, you'll stand by him/her. After all, we could have been in a car accident, one day after getting married and been paralyzed from the neck down. It doesn't promise we'll have 30 good years together before we hit problems. To try and help with my guilt, I try to help do the little stuff when I can. He hates cleaning cat boxes, so I really try to make that the one thing I do on a regular basis. I clean most of them while sitting down on a stool, and it takes me 1/2-1 hour afterwards of doing absolutely nothing afterwards, but I really try to do that because I know how much he hates it. I don't know, I don't have any real answers to the guilty issue. I do know, when I am feeling really guilty about it, he gets mad at me for feeling that way. He isn't upset at me, he isn't happy with the disease, but I didn't pick it, so he doesn't think I should feel guilty. Darcy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 bluskies@... wrote: >(I had knee repair surgery and a hysto all within 6 > months of our getting married). I've never been back to " normal " since > those first two surgeries - Hummh, must be something about knees. My knee went " bad " and life has never gone back to what it was before that. I slowly went downhill, and a lot of things Dane took over from me on a " temporary " basis, he is still doing. > But for the last few years, he's had to do ALL of the cooking, > ALL of the housework (which he's terrible at, doesn't really do, and > hates), ALL of the laundry, driving, my personal care, etc. Basically I'm > a bump on a log asking and/or telling him what to do all day. Dane basically does it all too. I'd really like things to be a lot cleaner around here, but I feel like I ask so much of him now, I hate to ask him to do more cleaning. I mostly sit around all day too. I try to do a little bit, like emptying the dishwasher on a good day, but even that doesn't always get done. > He doesn't > come out and say it, but I know that he feels cheated, and I know that he > now feels " obligated " to me - that old 'for better or for worse, sickness & > health' thing. So - how do we learn not to feel guilty about messing up > some poor unsuspecting soul's life? You might want to actually ask him sometime. Several of us have mentioned that we were sure our spouses were feeling a certain way, and it turns out that they weren't, we just thought they were. We didn't do anything to get this way, so *we* didn't " mess up " someone's live. It is our illness that has caused life to be difficult. And in my good moments, I try to remember, this is part of what " for better or for worse " means. It means that you love the person enough, that no matter what happens, you'll stand by him/her. After all, we could have been in a car accident, one day after getting married and been paralyzed from the neck down. It doesn't promise we'll have 30 good years together before we hit problems. To try and help with my guilt, I try to help do the little stuff when I can. He hates cleaning cat boxes, so I really try to make that the one thing I do on a regular basis. I clean most of them while sitting down on a stool, and it takes me 1/2-1 hour afterwards of doing absolutely nothing afterwards, but I really try to do that because I know how much he hates it. I don't know, I don't have any real answers to the guilty issue. I do know, when I am feeling really guilty about it, he gets mad at me for feeling that way. He isn't upset at me, he isn't happy with the disease, but I didn't pick it, so he doesn't think I should feel guilty. Darcy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 Well I tried to talk about Guilt, I really needed to but I guess nobody wanted to. Hope you have better luck....... Some of you have been very helpful especially the ones that contacted me off list, Please feel free to do so as often as you like. I don't feel wanted here so I'm leaving, good bye all. I still will pray for you all to be well and continue to live the best life you possibly can. ~~ Jo Is the guilt/feelings part alright onlist, or do we need to take this private? No problem if we do - just let me know.... - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 Well I tried to talk about Guilt, I really needed to but I guess nobody wanted to. Hope you have better luck....... Some of you have been very helpful especially the ones that contacted me off list, Please feel free to do so as often as you like. I don't feel wanted here so I'm leaving, good bye all. I still will pray for you all to be well and continue to live the best life you possibly can. ~~ Jo Is the guilt/feelings part alright onlist, or do we need to take this private? No problem if we do - just let me know.... - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 Well I tried to talk about Guilt, I really needed to but I guess nobody wanted to. Hope you have better luck....... Some of you have been very helpful especially the ones that contacted me off list, Please feel free to do so as often as you like. I don't feel wanted here so I'm leaving, good bye all. I still will pray for you all to be well and continue to live the best life you possibly can. ~~ Jo Is the guilt/feelings part alright onlist, or do we need to take this private? No problem if we do - just let me know.... - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 My Jim has an interesting outlook on my FMS/MPS . . . he hates my body and the disease it has. He rages against it. However, he constantly reaffirms his love for me. He has a way of separating me from my body. It lets him get out his anger and frustration without directing it at me. What's really neat is that I'm getting that way too. This stupid body is just the vessel. The contents of the vessel is something completely different. I do still manage to feel a bit guilty, but my " shrink " keeps reminding me that guilt is NOT an emotion. Anyway, Jim did know my limitations when we got married, and he accepted them. Hugs to everyone on this beautiful Southern California day . . . sending some of it your way! Jeane Rae Watkins Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 My Jim has an interesting outlook on my FMS/MPS . . . he hates my body and the disease it has. He rages against it. However, he constantly reaffirms his love for me. He has a way of separating me from my body. It lets him get out his anger and frustration without directing it at me. What's really neat is that I'm getting that way too. This stupid body is just the vessel. The contents of the vessel is something completely different. I do still manage to feel a bit guilty, but my " shrink " keeps reminding me that guilt is NOT an emotion. Anyway, Jim did know my limitations when we got married, and he accepted them. Hugs to everyone on this beautiful Southern California day . . . sending some of it your way! Jeane Rae Watkins Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 HUH? I thought we had been talking about guilt? Am I seriously missing something? How can you possibly feel unwanted on this wonderful list? >Well I tried to talk about Guilt, I really needed to but I guess nobody >wanted to. Hope you have better luck....... >Some of you have been very helpful especially the ones that contacted me >off list, >Please feel free to do so as often as you like. > I don't feel wanted here so I'm leaving, good bye all. >I still will pray for you all to be well and continue to live the best >life you possibly can. >~~ Jo > > > >Is the guilt/feelings part alright onlist, or do we need to take this >private? No problem if we do - just let me know.... > >- > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 HUH? I thought we had been talking about guilt? Am I seriously missing something? How can you possibly feel unwanted on this wonderful list? >Well I tried to talk about Guilt, I really needed to but I guess nobody >wanted to. Hope you have better luck....... >Some of you have been very helpful especially the ones that contacted me >off list, >Please feel free to do so as often as you like. > I don't feel wanted here so I'm leaving, good bye all. >I still will pray for you all to be well and continue to live the best >life you possibly can. >~~ Jo > > > >Is the guilt/feelings part alright onlist, or do we need to take this >private? No problem if we do - just let me know.... > >- > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 HUH? I thought we had been talking about guilt? Am I seriously missing something? How can you possibly feel unwanted on this wonderful list? >Well I tried to talk about Guilt, I really needed to but I guess nobody >wanted to. Hope you have better luck....... >Some of you have been very helpful especially the ones that contacted me >off list, >Please feel free to do so as often as you like. > I don't feel wanted here so I'm leaving, good bye all. >I still will pray for you all to be well and continue to live the best >life you possibly can. >~~ Jo > > > >Is the guilt/feelings part alright onlist, or do we need to take this >private? No problem if we do - just let me know.... > >- > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 I was going through this guilt thing one day and I asked my husband how he could put up with me. He just answered by saying " did you ever think it is because I love you. " I think that is the answer y'all would get from most of our partners. Take care, Irene co-moderator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 I was going through this guilt thing one day and I asked my husband how he could put up with me. He just answered by saying " did you ever think it is because I love you. " I think that is the answer y'all would get from most of our partners. Take care, Irene co-moderator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 I was going through this guilt thing one day and I asked my husband how he could put up with me. He just answered by saying " did you ever think it is because I love you. " I think that is the answer y'all would get from most of our partners. Take care, Irene co-moderator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 Sharon, The guilt/feelings is fine. In fact, I wrote a bit about it my self. Take care, Irene co-moderator > > Is the guilt/feelings part all right onlist, or do we need to take this > private? No problem if we do - just let me know.... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 Sharon, The guilt/feelings is fine. In fact, I wrote a bit about it my self. Take care, Irene co-moderator > > Is the guilt/feelings part all right onlist, or do we need to take this > private? No problem if we do - just let me know.... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 Does anyone know why Jo is so upset and why she was feeling unwanted? If so I would like to know. Write me off list. patidu@... As far as I am concerned you can discuss guilt as I wrote in another listing. Please take care, Irene > HUH? I thought we had been talking about guilt? Am I seriously missing > something? How can you possibly feel unwanted on this wonderful list? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 Does anyone know why Jo is so upset and why she was feeling unwanted? If so I would like to know. Write me off list. patidu@... As far as I am concerned you can discuss guilt as I wrote in another listing. Please take care, Irene > HUH? I thought we had been talking about guilt? Am I seriously missing > something? How can you possibly feel unwanted on this wonderful list? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2001 Report Share Posted October 1, 2001 Does anyone know why Jo is so upset and why she was feeling unwanted? If so I would like to know. Write me off list. patidu@... As far as I am concerned you can discuss guilt as I wrote in another listing. Please take care, Irene > HUH? I thought we had been talking about guilt? Am I seriously missing > something? How can you possibly feel unwanted on this wonderful list? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 2, 2001 Report Share Posted October 2, 2001 This is the perfect note on which to begin my introduction I have been a member of other CFIDS/FM lists for service dog users, but many issues of my illness are not centered on how I choose to mitigate them. They are just because of what this illness does to a person. My name is . I'm 36 - 37 in December. I have two wonderful boys ages 13 and 8. I was remarried to a wonderful man just 2.5 years ago. We were together for 5 years prior to marriage and we married in April, 1999. We over the internet and are still very happy, though dealing with this situation has been difficult. We thought I just had a winter cold that wouldn't quit. He did not know what he was getting into, but now that he knows, he is still here. That doesn't mean he doesn't complain, or wonder why us, but he is here and is really trying to be a great step-dad and hubby. I have Fm, CFIDS and Sjogren's. I also have PCO and recently asthma and reactive airways. I use a service dog for mobility, and balance. He goes everywhere with me and comforts me when I cannot get out of bed (that is a lot lately). I loved my job, but have been on leave due to these conditions. I worked for Paine Webber as a project manager for software development. Between living in constant pain and " brain fog " , I am no longer able to do this kind of work. I received my BA full-time as a single mother while working 30 hours a week. I went to work as soon as I graduated, moved to NY and married. I began my Masters while still working and was unable to complete this program just three sources short of my degree. For a woman that did so much, I am not reduced to a struggle to get out of bed and keep the house neat. On good days I can spend a few precious hours with my family having " fun " . On bad days I can hardly walk, on good days with my dogs help, I can ride the bus to the doctors, or run short errands. I have been in flare up probably due to the profound grief of the past several weeks. Enough said in my last post about that. I am as active as I can be in DIA (www.disabledinAction) an advocacy group in NYC and 504 Democratic Club (http://www.504dems.org/) the first democratic club focusing on the rights of the disabled. Well I guess that is enough for now. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 and Lucky (SD) in NYC http://luckylaroche.homestead.com/files/index.htm ----- Original Message ----- I was going through this guilt thing one day and I asked my husband how he could put up with me. He just answered by saying " did you ever think it is because I love you. " I think that is the answer y'all would get from most of our partners. Take care, Irene co-moderator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 2, 2001 Report Share Posted October 2, 2001 This is the perfect note on which to begin my introduction I have been a member of other CFIDS/FM lists for service dog users, but many issues of my illness are not centered on how I choose to mitigate them. They are just because of what this illness does to a person. My name is . I'm 36 - 37 in December. I have two wonderful boys ages 13 and 8. I was remarried to a wonderful man just 2.5 years ago. We were together for 5 years prior to marriage and we married in April, 1999. We over the internet and are still very happy, though dealing with this situation has been difficult. We thought I just had a winter cold that wouldn't quit. He did not know what he was getting into, but now that he knows, he is still here. That doesn't mean he doesn't complain, or wonder why us, but he is here and is really trying to be a great step-dad and hubby. I have Fm, CFIDS and Sjogren's. I also have PCO and recently asthma and reactive airways. I use a service dog for mobility, and balance. He goes everywhere with me and comforts me when I cannot get out of bed (that is a lot lately). I loved my job, but have been on leave due to these conditions. I worked for Paine Webber as a project manager for software development. Between living in constant pain and " brain fog " , I am no longer able to do this kind of work. I received my BA full-time as a single mother while working 30 hours a week. I went to work as soon as I graduated, moved to NY and married. I began my Masters while still working and was unable to complete this program just three sources short of my degree. For a woman that did so much, I am not reduced to a struggle to get out of bed and keep the house neat. On good days I can spend a few precious hours with my family having " fun " . On bad days I can hardly walk, on good days with my dogs help, I can ride the bus to the doctors, or run short errands. I have been in flare up probably due to the profound grief of the past several weeks. Enough said in my last post about that. I am as active as I can be in DIA (www.disabledinAction) an advocacy group in NYC and 504 Democratic Club (http://www.504dems.org/) the first democratic club focusing on the rights of the disabled. Well I guess that is enough for now. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 and Lucky (SD) in NYC http://luckylaroche.homestead.com/files/index.htm ----- Original Message ----- I was going through this guilt thing one day and I asked my husband how he could put up with me. He just answered by saying " did you ever think it is because I love you. " I think that is the answer y'all would get from most of our partners. Take care, Irene co-moderator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 2, 2001 Report Share Posted October 2, 2001 Hi , I have been on both sides of this better or worse stuff. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and a compulsive gambler, for 15 years I have been the main support of our family trying to bail us out of every problem he got us into, I stuck it out because of the better or worse vow. Now he is in recovery but a lot of the scars are still present and I have fibro (which I'm positive that he had a share in causing, due to all the stress) and he is having to do a lot of the work around the house because I just can't anymore. I run my own business and there are days I wonder how I am accomplishing that. In most homes the wife does 100% of everything just because history says that is the way it is, why do women always feel bad because men sometimes have to take on that job. Don't feel guilty, that is what a partnership and marriage is all about. Bernadette He doesn't come out and say it, but I know that he feels cheated, and I know that he now feels " obligated " to me - that old 'for better or for worse, sickness & health' thing. So - how do we learn not to feel guilty about messing up some poor unsuspecting soul's life? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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