thanks Deana

[Guest guest]

> Message: 2

> Date: Thu, 31 May 2001 17:33:34 -0700

>

> Subject: Re: Hi from new member

>

> Rasmama, Hi and welcome to the group. My name is Deana. And I have had

> fibro for 4 years and considered my self a very independent person who

> worked for 11 years in a 62 bed nicu. That is the care of premature

> infant or infant who need surgery immediatley at birth. We had a

> transport team we were the biggest and best nicu for many miles and we

> got baby from all over other ares as far as 300-700miles away. I was a

> Rn and I also was in charge of the unit from time to time. Well I have

> gotten so bad that I just had to give up my job and it was my life. So I

> understand how you can feel defeated and worthless at least that are the

> feelings I have. My marriage is not doing well and half the time he

> barely gives me the time of day so I may as well be alone. So again I

> see and understand the psychological things you are also going through.

> This is a very loving group and I have on been writing here for a week or

> so but it helps me feel more important. Tell yourself you are not

> worthless you did not ask for this and you must find something to keep

> yourself feeling good. You have no one near who you can sit and talk

> with? Who could come and visit? Well you can write me any time. I will

> be glad to write back. Even if you just want to talk about the bad day

> you are having or had. Please write me. Deana

Hi Deana

Thank you so much, I appreciate the warm welcome. No, I don't have anybody

to talk to. Even my grown kids don't come by often, they have a hard time

seeing me in so much pain and depressed. I have a therapist but can't always

afford to pay her to talk to me!

The lucky and wonderful thing in my life is that I'm engaged to be married

to a wonderful, kind man who is willing to take on the " beast, " is willing

and wants to support me to stay home and do what " my heart wants " as he

thinks relieving the stress in my life will help my health. He is even

willing to help make my bankruptcy payments (had to file Chapter 13 because

of my book copyright assets -- otherwise they'd take all my copyrights and

I'd have zero income and it would be too devastating emotionally). So in

that way I am very blessed; we have a lovely house in a lovely neighborhood.

But he travels a LOT and I don't get to see much of him. I want him to have

the REAL me and it is frustrating to be so sick, depressed, and almost

immobilized by anxiety a lot of the time. His family is the " stiff upper

lip " type and I don't think they understand at all and I think they probably

wonder why he wants to marry me. But I get along great with his teenage

kids; I just wish I could do more with/for them, it is so frustrating to

hear them all having a good time downstairs and I'm stuck in bed alone and

in pain.

Anyway, thanks so much for the offers of support and for listening. I was

hoping maybe this would be a way to get some stuff off my chest and find

some people who had been through some of the same stuff. This month has been

really tough -- I lost my beloved cat who was my 24/7 healing pal for 17

years last week, and our other cat will die soon too. I over-did it last

weekend and ended up in the hospital Monday with a bleeding ulcer, feeling

guilty for having spoiled my family's Memorial Day. I feel guilty a LOT for

having spoiled the fun for people in my life.... my previous " friends "

dropped away because of that I guess.

It's interesting you worked in a NICU -- I wrote the book about Infant

Massage and founded the Intl. Assoc. of Infant Massage, started the whole

movement in the western hemisphere which now of course is being copy-catted

by everybody who knows how to make money from it including researchers (who

never give any credit to my book or me -- such a simple thing! But they want

the world to think they came up with it). I wonder if you ever heard about

it in your work.

Rasmama (you can call me my real name - Vimala - since it's on my email

anyway -- Rasmama is my son's nickname for me - long story).

*************************