Re: what do I do??

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/22/2004 7:36:36 PM Eastern Daylight Time, enriquez

16@... writes:

It sounds like that other girl is most likely jelous of your daughter but

while you could tell this to you would also have to mention if she ever

said that to the girl the girl would deny it at all costs and probably become

more mean.

,

I agree, it did strike me that the girl was jealous but I never said that,

for two reasons. One is the one you mentioned and the other is my daughter's

ego. She may have been having a rough time of it with that girl, but I did not

want to tell her the girl was jealous because that somehow implies that

is better than she is. I don't want to create an overblown ego where one

doesn't exist.

Jill

[Guest guest]

It sounds like that other girl is most likely jelous of your daughter but while

you could tell this to you would also have to mention if she ever said

that to the girl the girl would deny it at all costs and probably become more

mean.

Re: what do I do??

Oh my, the issues you're having are like those we've had with our 10 year

old hearing daughter. Our son had almost no trouble with the social issues.

It is so hard to figure out what to let them deal with and when to step in.

Unforunately all of the kids need to learn things like how to deal with not

being accepted by some group and what do do when it happens. And it happens

often enough.

I recently heard my daughter telling a friend that it doesn't matter who you

are or what you wear, because the bullies will find something. I was proud

of her for being able to recognize that. It was hard-won knowledge for her.

Our is also very bright and could easily have skipped a grade, but we

did not permit it. (A hard decision but emotionally she is where she

belongs.) Last year she was given grief throughout the whole of 4th grade for

getting

good grades. At one point year she was teased for receiving an academic

award -- actually, " dissed " might be a better word. While on line for lunch a

girl in her class hissed in her ear the thought she was " all that " just

because she's smart and got the award (which the girl thought she should have

had). The same girl then lead a campaign to exclude from anything and

everything. The same groups of girls refused to talk to her for 2 weeks when

her poster was chosen (by the fire department, not teachers) for the Fire

Safety award and was hung up for an entire month on the front bulletin board.

It was hard. But had the experiences of 2nd and 3rd grade under her

belt and this time she handled it all so much better. It is so tough for these

kids. Girls are far meaner than boys. I'd call them vicious, actually. The

boys were mostly bravado and noise.

What I told both my kids when dealing with the bullies (or the snobs) was

that they had real friends, (ones that wouldn't say things like " I don't like

your face " ) and they should stick around with them. Traveling in a group

usually keeps the bullies at bay, and it gives that little group of friends a

sense of security.

A few times in the middle school, Ian actually faced down bullies but they

never ended up in fights. The bullies backed off when they saw he was actually

willing to trade hits. One of those bullies is now one of Ian's good friends.

Go figure.

Another time a boy was teasing Ian incessantly. Ian is short and the boy was

calling Ian all kinds of short names every time he saw him. It turns out

that the boy was one of the tallest in the class. I told Ian to try to use

humor

rather than getting mad and insulted each time. getting mad was what the boy

wanted him to do, so try something else. When the boy called Ian a peanut,

Ian called him the Jolly Green Giant. After a while it stopped being teasing

and became a word game. For Ian, humor works. For it never works.

I hate to say it, but you don't learn to deal with being dissed or snubbed

or ignored or insulted unless those things actually happen. It hurts. And as a

mom I hate standing by and watching it happen. But then I listen, give a

little advice, and they're learning to deal.

However, when was in 2nd grade I had to step in and speak with the

teacher. She was coming home in tears 2-3 days a week. It was getting very

bad.

(And is not a crier.) The other mother wanted to have a joint meeting

with the teacher. But all accounts (kids and adults) indicated that the other

child was the bully. I was proud that was doing as she was told and

walking away rather than fighting. ( " take the high road " was our mantra) I

refused to have the meeting because all I could bring to the table was " your

daughter is a mean little b.... um, witch and one of these days she's going

to get

punched, possibly by me. " Which would have done no good. So, the teacher

handled it.

The mother was stunned when she was told the things her daughter had done.

(one example: inviting the entire class except my daughter and one other girl

to her birthday party, announcing to the room that she's decided not to

invite

because she was a *$^%#$@ and the other girl because she was black.

The girl had turned the story around and told her mother that had

invited

everyone except her. (katie invited only 3 close friends to sleep over and

go swimming) To cut this story short, the teacher handled it well and as the

year went on, the nastiness faded. That was/is one unhappy little girl to

have to be so incredibly mean, and that's how I explained her behavior to

.

She should try to feel sorry for that girl, not to hate her.

But that was 2nd grade. Now at 10 and in 5th grade it's another world. I'd

be very reluctant to go into the school unless the teasing was crossing well

over a line. The kids would then pick on the kids as being babies because

mommy came in to defend them.

Well ... time for me to go find my livingroom.

Best -- Jill

[Guest guest]

There's no such thing as " just bullying. " It's verbal and psychological abuse

(if not physical) and it's never okay.

It also doesn't just go away.

Kids who are bullied are significantly more likely to commit suicide and suffer

from lifelong depression. Kids who do the bullying are much more likely to be

abusive parents and spouses and to engage in criminal behavior.

There's an excellent book _The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander_ by Barbara

Coloroso that examines the social dynamics of bullying and which has practical

tips for handling it, including how to approach the school (not if).

Barbara Handley

Another Path: Homeschooling Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing Children

http://www.deafhomeschool.com

[Guest guest]

There's no such thing as " just bullying. " It's verbal and psychological abuse

(if not physical) and it's never okay.

It also doesn't just go away.

Kids who are bullied are significantly more likely to commit suicide and suffer

from lifelong depression. Kids who do the bullying are much more likely to be

abusive parents and spouses and to engage in criminal behavior.

There's an excellent book _The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander_ by Barbara

Coloroso that examines the social dynamics of bullying and which has practical

tips for handling it, including how to approach the school (not if).

Barbara Handley

Another Path: Homeschooling Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing Children

http://www.deafhomeschool.com

[Guest guest]

There's no such thing as " just bullying. " It's verbal and psychological abuse

(if not physical) and it's never okay.

It also doesn't just go away.

Kids who are bullied are significantly more likely to commit suicide and suffer

from lifelong depression. Kids who do the bullying are much more likely to be

abusive parents and spouses and to engage in criminal behavior.

There's an excellent book _The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander_ by Barbara

Coloroso that examines the social dynamics of bullying and which has practical

tips for handling it, including how to approach the school (not if).

Barbara Handley

Another Path: Homeschooling Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing Children

http://www.deafhomeschool.com