Report on medicine

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" There is something about helicopters. " - Researchers report

LUBBOCK, TEXAS (AP) -- Researchers at Texas Tech University's Health Sciences

Center have determined that current research in prehospital care has failed to

examine two critical differences between helicopter EMS versus ground ambulance.

Dr. Bart P. Farquar, a Professor of Medicine, has observed that helicopter

paramedics and nurses wear different uniforms and are exposed to the odor of

aircraft fuel, neither of which are common to ground-based EMS crews.

Farquar stated, " At this point, we don't know whether JP-5 fuel or Nomex

flightsuits improve patient outcome, but we can safely say that the average

paramedic or EMT doesn't get the same uniform or the same exposure to fuels. "

The research, contained in this months American Journal of Proctology, confirms

that no such research currently exists.

The study of approximately fifty helicopters based around Dallas, Houston, and

Austin was funded by NAEMT and by Exxon/Mobil. NAEMT representatives plan a new

marketing strategy for a new uniform available for sale through the NAEMT

website. NAEMT has stated plans to market a " drive-suit, " looking similar to a

flight suit. NAEMT has based this proposal on the previous success of their

Italian admiral uniform, now available with the optional " Idi Amin " braid and

medals package. Exxon/Mobil officials confirmed the existence of a new device

designed to pump the odor of jet fuel into the patient compartment of an

ambulance in an effort to boost the proficiency of ground-based paramedics. Vice

President Cheney was at a secured, undisclosed location and was unavailable for

comment, although Cheney has reportedly said that he can " kick his oil addiction

anytime he wants. "