Re: Re: Your Problem

[Guest guest]

Chantelle,

I have read a few of you other posts now. I feel pain for you. I read you

got fired, need another job NOW and are having a difficult time with you

parents. Your posts brought much emotion to me. I think it is because I know

that

Patty feels exactly the same way, which tears my heat apart.

I think you must know Patty is now living with us again since she

completed her training at HKNC. The training there was exceptional. They

taught

her so many independent living skills, found some vocational opportunities,

helped her make some lasting friendships, and they worked with her on really

figuring out who she is and what her disabilities really are. All her life we

lived in a very unaccepting town and she spent most of the time trying to " fit

in. " Almost everyone made judgments about her, believing whatever they thought

they was right such as she was too disabled to accomplish things, or that I

was pushing her. That is a pain in my soul that will not go away. People let

her down. Chantelle, what pains my soul even more is that I had to not let her

take the easy way out. I couldn't feel sorry for her with all her surgeries,

loneliness,... I had to keep telling her she was wonderful and could move

on. Yes I had to push her but it was a realistic and healthy push. As Patty

got older there was a distance she tried to put between us. I know that is

because as an adolescent I was too involved in her life. I had no choice.

Other

children gradually grow and separate from their parents. I was forced to be

involved in her education, her health, and her psychological health. She has

every right to feel the way she did. It wasn't fair to her, but it wasn't "

fair to me either.

Finally she had some people who understood her and CHARGE. They were at

Perkins. That is where she found some real comfort and growth. That is why I

have praised them in so many posts. At Perkins she became a whole " person. "

Then she graduated and went to HKNC. There she accepted her hearing

impairments. She learned to sign which in my opinion decreased her frustration

levels

because she could understand all of what people were saying instead of

filling in the blanks herself. There she accepted her visual difficulties. She

now

uses a cane in unfamiliar settings. Just the other day we were walking in

the busy city of Boston and she did quite well! Her independence makes her more

comfortable with herself.

AT HKNC she also changed a bit. Before she went there she was very angry at

me. She thought I was too bossy. I told her she HAD to clean her room. I

reprimanded her for missing her medications, and I didn't make excuses for her.

Plus her loneliness was a bit more than she could bear. It was more than I

could bear. When she felt down in the dumps her OCD just increased and she

would call and call and call people, which pushed them away further.

We all had to keep healthy psychologically. Religion is my strength as well

as my priest but Patty had her psychologist- and her medications. She needs

counseling here and there. Life is hard and it isn't fair. But it is what is.

There are things we just can't change. But Chantelle there are so many,

many things to be happy about. I think Patty is one of the most self confidant,

kindest, most wonderful person I never met. She has ever right to fell what

she feels. I am her mother and I love her beyond words. It is OK if she is

angry at me. I would be angry at me if I were her. But I have to be a parent.

She knows she is loved, no matter what happens or where she goes. That is

the most important part. Since she was at HKNC she has changed her feelings

toward us. I am more than thankful. She now is communicating again with us.

We

give her advice AND he is able to sit and listen. Then she has the right to

do what she wants with our adviceand pays consequences for her actions-the

consequences are both good and bad just like everyone else.

Patty is the most amassing person I know. She too is looking for a job. She

too is looking for a place to live. She too wants to meet more people. She

too wants a life of her own. All of that is her right. But we have to take

one step at a time. We can't look too far down the road for her future. But

Chantelle she will have a beautiful future. She'll have a wonder full job, make

more friends, live where she is happy. The same will occur for you. Take it

one step at a time.

I am giving you these " speech " because you have to know you aren't alone in

this world. But I also want you to know it is so very hard to be a parent. It

is hard to be a parent and do the right thing just to make life easier

children. When you have a child who needs a bit more involvement is harder and

undescribable. Parents aren't perfect and often make mistakes. I hope you can

find the healthy separation from them because you are a woman now. But I also

hope you can forgive them for their mistakes just like I have forgiven mine for

theirs and I hope a and Patty can forgive me for mine.

When you feel down, scared, or just need someone, you must know there are so

many people here on this list who think you are a fantastic person. Always

remember that even if we don't respond quickly. I hope things start to work out

for you. No, that's wrong. Things WILL work out for you. I just hope it

happens sooner than later.

Take care.

Bonnie, Mom to a 21, Patty CHARGE 19, and wife to

[Guest guest]

Bonnie,

That was a beautiful letter to Chantelle. Thank you for sharing it with all of

us?

And... did you get my phone message the other night? I got yours and Patty's (I

was in Florida) and tried to get you, but only machine. I will email you

off-list.

pam

[Guest guest]

Pam,

After I posted the letter I had Patty read it. It was only then I saw that

when I had quickly spell checked it and and sent it it had tons of errors. I

just hope the feeling was understood.

No, I didn't get your message. Patty didn't either. Nice to hear you were

in Florida. I hope the weather was good as it was horrible here in MA these

past month. I have never been so cold in my life!

I look forward to hearing from you.

Always grateful,

Bonnie

[Guest guest]

Bonnie,

I am sure noone noticed any typos--the message was too compelling to notice

anything else.

Hmmm, I wonder why you did not get the message??? If you could email me at work

with your phone number (in case I wrote it down wrong) then I can get right back

to you. I will be out all day and part of tomorrow night, so the first I will

get to you will be Monday morning. Although, are you still working? I can get

you at night if that is the case. Anyway, send me your number again and I will

make sure it is the correct one and get in touch with you and Pat.

Also, I will see a this week when she comes to Perkins!! And... I heard

your husband was on campus the other day--a family affair!!

Talk soon,

pam