Re: I seem to have rattled a cage!

[Guest guest]

>>admit that I agree with him. They have already passed comments that they

won't get to see as much of this baby as my parents will and has told

them that we will visit once a week like we do now as we are both busy

people. Luckily for MIL she said this when I wasn't around because I would

have blown my top and told her that if I want to visit my parents 7 days a

week for 12 hours at a time I will and there's nothing she can do to stop

me.<<

LOL! i totally agree, i think parents of girls do see more of their

grandchildren in some cases -or at least hear more of what is going on,

simply cos if a girl(woman??!! i don't feel old enough) has a good rel with

her mum she will talk to herabout the kids

My MIL was a bit miffed cos mum came to stay after i'd had the

girls...tough, as far as i was concerned, mum was there to mother *me* not

get extra time with the grandchildren!

Our parents live within 2 miles of each other, (80 miles from us) so we had

to make a rule that if we went to one for Sunday lunch we would **not** try

& see the other for tea...far too stressful.

If i stay at mums when dh is away though MIL always says... " well you know

where we are..... " ina meaningful way!

Angi

__________________________________________

Angi,Tim, Georgiana (1 Nov 97) & na (28 Jul 99) Nutt

http://albums.photopoint.com/j/AlbumList?u=695377

password: twickenham

__________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Beverley,

How about asking them to chip in for big things, e.g. cot or pram, saying that

you'd much rather have these than lots of little things?

(Having said that my ILs said they'd pay for 's cot - so I went out and

spent a bit more than I'd anticipated, on the promise of £180 from them - the

result was that I never got the money so I ended up with a lovely cot costing

£250, but had to pay for it all myself !)

beverley.wainwright@... wrote:

[Guest guest]

I was discussing this situation last night with a girlfriend, who has 2

daughters and a son, on the basis that *I* am likely to be in the situation

of not having as close a relationship with any daughter-in-law as I might

have had with a daughter, and how this is all the more relevant once

grandchildren come on the scene. I even said I sort of wished one of my

boys might turn out to be gay, because gay men always love their mum best!

Not a serious thought though.

I am also very much aware of trying to be even-handed between my mum and

MIL, which I happen to think is not natural. Why on earth should I want to

have as much contact with someone whom I have only known for 10+ years, as I

have with my own mother? I do try but it doesn't always come easy.

Alison

>

> LOL! i totally agree, i think parents of girls do see more of their

> grandchildren in some cases -or at least hear more of what is going on,

> simply cos if a girl(woman??!! i don't feel old enough) has a good rel

with

> her mum she will talk to herabout the kids

> My MIL was a bit miffed cos mum came to stay after i'd had the

> girls...tough, as far as i was concerned, mum was there to mother *me* not

> get extra time with the grandchildren!

> Our parents live within 2 miles of each other, (80 miles from us) so we

had

> to make a rule that if we went to one for Sunday lunch we would **not**

try

> & see the other for tea...far too stressful.

> If i stay at mums when dh is away though MIL always says... " well you know

> where we are..... " ina meaningful way!

>

> Angi

[Guest guest]

Alison said>I am also very much aware of trying to be even-handed between my

mum and

>MIL, which I happen to think is not natural. Why on earth should I want to

>have as much contact with someone whom I have only known for 10+ years, as

I

>have with my own mother

isn't that just **so** hard?

somehow we are supposed to feel as much for our ILs as our parents before

the ink is dry on the weding cert. Like you say its not really possible,

though i do know of some people whose MILs are just the sort of people that

they would be friends with anyway...

Angi

__________________________________________

Angi,Tim, Georgiana (1 Nov 97) & na (28 Jul 99) Nutt

http://albums.photopoint.com/j/AlbumList?u=695377

password: twickenham

__________________________________________

[Guest guest]

And it's not as if I don't get on with MIL. I happen to think that she has

done marvellously in difficult circumstances - being left in middle age

with 2 teenage children and a c**p divorce settlement, she worked at various

and at times multiple jobs to support her family and now doesn't try to live

her life through her children.

However, she is *not* my mum. She got upset that I called my mum to look

after Luke when I started labour with Zachary. It wasn't that I didn't

trust her to look after him. I just automatically turned to my mum for

help, and probably will do for as long as she is there. And all this is

gearing me up for what it will probably be like when *I'm* the MIL!

Alison

>

> isn't that just **so** hard?

> somehow we are supposed to feel as much for our ILs as our parents before

> the ink is dry on the weding cert. Like you say its not really possible,

> though i do know of some people whose MILs are just the sort of people

that

> they would be friends with anyway...

> Angi

> __________________________________________

[Guest guest]

So who can bring themselves to call their ILs " Mum " or " Dad " ? Mine have

never asked me to, so I call them by their Christian names (though I do call

Rob's Grandparents " Gran " and " Grandad " ). My parents though, would like Rob

to call them " Mum " and " Dad " , but Rob just can't quite manage it. He just

avoids calling them anything, which can lead to some rather awkward

situations (eg asking me " what would you mum like to drink? " instead of

asking her, when she's standing right there).

>However, she is *not* my mum. She got upset that I called my mum to look

>after Luke when I started labour with Zachary. It wasn't that I didn't

>trust her to look after him. I just automatically turned to my mum for

>help, and probably will do for as long as she is there. And all this is

>gearing me up for what it will probably be like when *I'm* the MIL!

[Guest guest]

yes, I find it difficult to call my MIL 'Mum' - even harder since my mum

died, cos obviously she couldn`t replace her, and she (MIL) would know that

too. She always signs cards as Mum Wyant or Gran Wyant. As we are normally

in company of the girls I usually call her 'Gran'.

(BTW MIL is Terrific)

> So who can bring themselves to call their ILs " Mum " or " Dad>

[Guest guest]

McVeigh wrote:

>

>

> So who can bring themselves to call their ILs " Mum " or " Dad " ?

I call my in-laws by their Christian names (DH and I both refer to them as the

'Still Warms' behind their backs!)

DH calls my father Nick, and my mother Ma!

--

Dick,

SAHM to (7/4/97) and Kitty (22/7/99)

and wife of (26/9/66)

Newsletter Editor, Advertising manager

See pictures of us all at:

http://albums.photopoint.com/j/AlbumList?u=848605

Password: Wisley

[Guest guest]

McVeigh wrote:

>

>

> So who can bring themselves to call their ILs " Mum " or " Dad " ?

I call my in-laws by their Christian names (DH and I both refer to them as the

'Still Warms' behind their backs!)

DH calls my father Nick, and my mother Ma!

--

Dick,

SAHM to (7/4/97) and Kitty (22/7/99)

and wife of (26/9/66)

Newsletter Editor, Advertising manager

See pictures of us all at:

http://albums.photopoint.com/j/AlbumList?u=848605

Password: Wisley

[Guest guest]

>

>I was discussing this situation last night with a girlfriend, who has 2

>daughters and a son, on the basis that *I* am likely to be in the situation

>of not having as close a relationship with any daughter-in-law as I might

>have had with a daughter, and how this is all the more relevant once

>grandchildren come on the scene

My mother (2 daughters, one son) definitely has more to do with 's and

my children than with our brother's. My MIL (one son, one daughter) also

has more to do with her daughter's children than with ours. However, I am

hoping that as I only have sons, I will make more effort to ensure that I am

close to my daughters in law and their children, more than I'm sure I would

if I had a daughter as well.

Lynda

SAHM to (7), (5), Fraser (2), Callum (15/5/00)

Newsletter editor, Mid-Northumberland Branch

[Guest guest]

>

>So who can bring themselves to call their ILs " Mum " or " Dad " ?

I do, but I'm not really comfortable with it. It became much easier when

DS1 was born and I could start referring to them as Grandma and Grandpa.

Lynda

SAHM to (7), (5), Fraser (2), Callum (15/5/00)

Newsletter editor, Mid-Northumberland Branch

[Guest guest]

> asked

> So who can bring themselves to call their ILs " Mum " or " Dad " ?

Me, I'm afraid!! Started doing it after we got married (8 years now -

yikes!).

But I'm also the person who invited my inlaws on holiday with us! They made

great babysitters!!!

I actually get on really well with my inlaws, providing I ignore MIL's

advise on childcare! They do ask what the children want before birthdays &

christmas and don't buy an awful lot of treats in between - more clothes

than anything else, which I never refuse!

Guess I'm quite lucky by the sound of things!

[Guest guest]

>

> So who can bring themselves to call their ILs " Mum " or " Dad

DH calls his parents by their christian names so we don't have this problem.

Interestingly though when I speak to him about them I refer to them as Pam &

Tony whereas when he speaks to me about my parents he says " your mum / dad "

as that is what I call them. He does call them by their christian names

when he speaks to them though.

Cerys

[Guest guest]

This thing about being daughters close to mothers starts early.

DS1 (6) came in with some flowers from the garden for me " because I love you and

when I'm grown up I won't see you much, but Olivia will " !!!!

Personal I don't understand it, as should they make it to adulthood (which may

be doubtful after this week, but that's another story) They won't be going

anywhere without me, so they can't meet anyone and want to leave home, so they

can all stay home with mummykins!

Mc

SAHM 6, Olivia 3, 1, 15/3/00

Nearly Ex-Editor Wallingford and District

[Guest guest]

Having been through two marriages, I've had two mothers-in-law. The

contrast has been interesting. The first in-laws welcomed me into

their bosom of their family from the start, my husband's sisters

became two of my closest friends. His mother and I had shared a

profession/vocation, his father was very entertaining and used to

tell me stuff he didn't tell the others. We used to go on holidays

together and I loved them dearly. When the marriage went wrong, they

stayed close, even after we split up and relations with my husband

were extremely difficult. I was devastated and confused to realise a

couple of years later that I had suddenly and without a word been

dropped by all of them. (One sister just stopped writing, another

(the one I was closest to) moved without telling me so that a parcel

for her birthday was returned marked 'gone away' and from his

parents, who had sent chatty letters and nice Christmas cards, I got

a card that just had their names on and it was the sort of cheap card

they would not previously have sent anyone)

My second husband had not been as close to his father (his mother is

dead and his father has remarried), but interestingly, first me being

around and then the children coming has improved the relationship and

they want to see one another a lot more. But I find myself wary of

confusing my own family with his family. It is my family we go on

holiday with now - very much with DH encouraging and instigating this

(even though every one of my family drives him bats at times)(He's

also paid for my parents to go on holiday on their own twice by way

of thanks for all they do) - he was the one who wanted them here for

the births. I think his father's wife should be entitled to Granny,

but she just gets her name. I am however glad we don't live too close

as I think she'd be more inclined to interfere, partly because she

has had to do a lot of very involved Grannying to the grandchildren

who do live close by. We do have a close relationship with 's

aunt who is our closest relative - she isn't well enough to interfere

though!

They believe in smacking, my parents have changed their minds

themselves and anyway they respect our wishes in the matter. When my

mother gives me advice she is so subtle I think I sometimes don't

notice!

I can certainly appreciate the wrong sort of present problem. Even

clothes aren't that easy (DH has strong feelings about clothes)

Everyone does usually ask - and when they don't and get it 'wrong' it

is DH who passes the negative comments. But money can also be a

problem - we had money from various people for DS2s first birthday

and I am still at a loss as to what to spend it on.

I also feel that no-one thinks I should even have contemplated having

DS2 and if I make any comment that is construed as meaning I'd like

any more, they come down on me like a ton of bricks. If we didn't

need their help, it would be easier just to think it was none of

their business.

--

jennifer@...

Vaudin

[Guest guest]

But money can also be a

>problem - we had money from various people for DS2s first birthday

>and I am still at a loss as to what to spend it on.

has the grand sum of £95 to spend following his birthday last

week! What to get him? I've no idea - we don't have space for any more

toys!!!

[Guest guest]

> has the grand sum of £95 to spend following his birthday

> last week! What to get him? I've no idea - we don't have space for

> any more toys!!!

>

What about annual passes to somewhere? I know most places

are free for kids but you could get the passes for yourself as you

would be the one taking him !! eg mine would be an annual family

pass to Belfast Zoo and a forest pass which gives free entry and

parking to all the N.I forest parks.

[Guest guest]

>

>

> has the grand sum of £95 to spend following his birthday last

> week! What to get him? I've no idea - we don't have space for any more

> toys!!!

>

>

You could put it into a savings account or buy National Savings bonus bonds

which have a space for you to say who they have bee given by. This is what

we do, with both of them having birthdays within a month of Christmas it is

the only way not to get inundated with toys we don't need.

Cerys

[Guest guest]

Alison Said:-

> I am also very much aware of trying to be even-handed between my mum and

> MIL, which I happen to think is not natural. Why on earth should I want

to

> have as much contact with someone whom I have only known for 10+ years, as

I

> have with my own mother? I do try but it doesn't always come easy.

Gosh, my situation is SO different. I don't get on too well with my Mum.

When I got married she would phone every day, and when asked not to, because

we just wanted space to get to know each other, she got the hump. Having

then got pregnant on honeymoon, she kept ringing me again. I stopped

answering, usually because I was being sick or trying to sleep. I ended up

having counselling during pregnancy as we were not talking at all then. I

think she has finally got the message nearly 3 years later, but it has been

so bad.

My MIL on the other hand is so understanding. She always has a kind word to

say to me. She even brings me presents when they visit (not just for

grandson). The last time she came and was minding a sleeping DS whilst DH

and I escaped to IKEA, she even ironed all DH shirts, all 18 of them! The

only thing I could accuse her of is being TOO nice. (and she does have a dog

which I hate - YUK)

I just hope I can be as understanding a MIL for DS DW in the future.

the opposite

[Guest guest]

How about putting in a savings account? Just think what he will be able to

buy himself when he's old enough!

Alison

has the grand sum of £95 to spend following his birthday last

week! What to get him? I've no idea - we don't have space for any more

toys!!!

[Guest guest]

Gosh the parents (in-laws and other) thing is a big mine-field.

My Mum divorved when I was 8 and lived with, then married her cousin (I was

9 and 14 respectively). I have always called her husband Alec. And have

always referred to him as my mothers husband. I think this really bothered

my Mum, especially when we went to Sunday lunch with some of his friends and

when he was referred to as my Dad I harped up, " He's not my Dad, my Dad

lives in Devon! " I was only about 10 and I don't think she could have her

cake and eat it! So it's been Mum and Al for as long as I can remember. I

did make one previso that you can't have two Dads and if mine was dead it

would be different. My Dad passed away 2+ years ago but I still can't bring

myself to call Alec - Dad.

Since DS was born after my Dad's death it has made it easier to call Alec -

GrandPa, they are second cousins once removed after all. (work that one

out!)

with the confusing family, just glad she married into a more normal

family tree.

[Guest guest]

Would the givers mind if you put it in his own savings account until he

requests something he really wants?

>

> But money can also be a

> >problem - we had money from various people for DS2s first birthday

> >and I am still at a loss as to what to spend it on.

>

>

> has the grand sum of 95 to spend following his birthday last

> week! What to get him? I've no idea - we don't have space for any more

> toys!!!

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Not a bad idea - thank you !

The other thing he needs is a winter coat and some wellies....!!

What about annual passes to somewhere? I know most places

are free for kids but you could get the passes for yourself as you

would be the one taking him !! eg mine would be an annual family

pass to Belfast Zoo and a forest pass which gives free entry and

parking to all the N.I forest parks.

[Guest guest]

....And the rest into his savings account (why do my children have more

savings than me???)

>How about putting in a savings account? Just think what he will be able to

>buy himself when he's old enough!

>

>Alison

>

> has the grand sum of £95 to spend following his birthday last

>week! What to get him? I've no idea - we don't have space for any more

>toys!!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

>My Mum divorved when I was 8 and lived with, then married her cousin (I was

>9 and 14 respectively). I have always called her husband Alec. And have

>always referred to him as my mothers husband. I think this really bothered

>my Mum, especially when we went to Sunday lunch with some of his friends

and

>when he was referred to as my Dad I harped up, " He's not my Dad, my Dad

>lives in Devon! " I was only about 10 and I don't think she could have her

>cake and eat it! So it's been Mum and Al for as long as I can remember. I

>did make one previso that you can't have two Dads and if mine was dead it

>would be different. My Dad passed away 2+ years ago but I still can't bring

>myself to call Alec - Dad.

Anyone else been watching " Other People's Children " on Sunday evenings?