Guilty Feelings

[Guest guest]

Hi guys,

I have not posted since my introductory post a few months ago, mainly

because I have been in denial about my condition and its easier to try

and ignore it. I am personally sorry to Dusty, who took the time to

respond and enquire about my previous treatments. After a

disappointing appointment with my consultant, I could not think about

medications anymore (in England we do not have available the same

treatments that you guys have).

Anyway, my post is not so much about medications, as I believe an

overall systemic approach may be the answer. I have suffered

depression on and off since the age of 14 when my mum died. My VV

started around the time my dad's new wife, an alcoholic, was

aggressive towards me and ultimately kicked me out. The past few years

I have experienced varying degrees of depression and had counselling 2

years ago. Following my counselling and changing my diet (no wheat,

processed foods, chocolate, sugar, yeast, dairy) my condition

improved. It was at this point I met my current partner. We were able

to have sex (all types ) for a couple of months, although not

completely pain free, it was a big improvement. I was so happy and at

last felt normal. However, the pain came back and is now worse than

ever, its scaring me. I was always susceptive to cystitis like

symptoms after drinking or sexual activity, but now I am getting them

more frequently even when I have done none of the above.

I feel like our beautiful relationship is deteriorated in front of me

and there is nothing I can do. He is such an amazing person and I know

I will never find anyone as perfect for me ever again. By not having

sexual contact for so long, I am worried we will never be able to

rekindle our relationship. He is a young guy and really doesn't

deserve to serve my sentence with me. I am so angry, upset and feel

that it's all my fault that this is happening and that I am

responsible for my physical pain. After doing years of research on

this condition, I feel guilty about what I eat and drink (I 60% follow

my previous diet now), having a bath or shower (or not), sitting for

long periods, horse riding (7 years ago which may have damaged me, and

also breaking my hymen aged 7 in a nasty fall off my bike), low

libido, wearing knickers, doing my laundry, beauty products I use,

being stressed out and depressed, not showing my bf affection because

I'm scared and finally, not having the money or available resources to

buy new products, therapies (e.g. acupuncture to help with stress

etc) or devices such as a TENS machine. I feel so worthless, broken

and feel like its all MY FAULT. I am a psychology graduate, which

perhaps makes things worse, as I know all about cognitive explanations

of depression and the vicious cycles we get into. I also know that

feeling the way I do I will never get better. I am on a waiting list

to see a psychiatrist, but it could be up to 6mths or more.

I feel so down that I cant get out of bed some days, I feel so

unconfident that I cannot get a job, I feel like I'm not worth knowing

so am loosing my friends (I mostly hang around with my bf's friends

now) and I feel like the only reason my bf is with me is because he

feels sorry for me and I live in his flat. I also hate going out and

seeing young couples knowing that they are enjoying each other's

bodies. Even my dad has a new gf and is blatantly having lots of sex.

I feel like such a freak, but I know its my stupid head which is

making this all so much worse!!!

Sorry guys for ranting like this, but I have had VV since 17 and feel

absolutely exhausted with it on a daily basis and being in a perpetual

cycle of depression.

Don't feel obliged to respond I just needed to vent.

Ruby