Re: Re I need help

[Guest guest]

Dear a

Thank you so much for your response. It has given me hope. I have been

trying to locate an attorney who will take this, but in Rhode Island, the legal

system is a bit antiquated. Would you feel comfortable giving me the name of

the

attorney you used so that I might see if by some miraculous chance he could

direct me to an attorney here in RI who might know what he/she was doing in

this aspect of the law? I saw one attorney, a few weeks ago, who told me not to

" waste " my money and said there was nothing he could do for me and that I

should just contact the state agency that handles abuse and neglect. I have

been

told by others not to get them involved because they might initially place the

children in a foster care setting and I know that would be devastating to

them.

How long has your daughter been this way? And is it common for them to " seem "

normal for a few years and then revert back to the craziness?

Again, thank you so much for responding to my plea. After hearing from you, I

feel like I have a little more strength.

Thank you,

Jean

[Guest guest]

I feel like I have to write because we had a very similar situation where

my grown bp daughter used her children as pawns to manipulate us. I was

very concerned about my 2 little granddaughters well-being and I also had a

very special relationship with the older (first) child. I started to

document every thing that was happening and when the time was right we

hired an attorney and went to court and got temporary managing

conservatorship of our grandchildren then 1 and 3. My attorney said because

of the documentation that I had kept that the case was a slam-dunk. I would

highly recommend you doing the same thing if you aren't already. I spend so

much of my time addled and confused because of the insanity of dealing with

bp that if I didn't write these things down I would never remember them

accurately. It also helped me because seeing this behavior in black and

white was a good way to recognize the instability of it all and what my

grandchildren were going through. My bp is so good at pushing my buttons

and guilt is a biggy with me and so when I was feeling weak or like i might

have " stolen " her children, I would re-read some of my calendar entries and

realize that what I was reading was truth and not what she was telling me.

Currently my daughter is not with us and we don't really even know where

she is. She only calls to relieve some of her guilt and to rage at me. I am

for the very first time successfully using tough love with her and i don't

know what else to do. I have tried for years to fix her and it has almost

been her ruination. I can no longer allow this behavior because of the

affect it has on my grandchildren. She must save herself and i have kept

her bottom comfortable for so long that I am sure I have been in God's way

for ever. I am now making decisions based on what is best for the girls and

not necessarily for my daughter. This is very difficult but necessary. I

know why they call it tough love. It is very tough to do.

Good luck to you and I hope you will have an outcome that you can live

with. I had to act in behalf of my girls, they didn't have anyone else to

advocate for them. I am tired 24/7, but know that I am making such a

difference and hopefully stopping a cycle of insanity that otherwise would

have gone on forever.

a

a Jamerson

Coordinator, Alumni Relations

Kilgore College

1100 Broadway

Kilgore, TX 75662-3299

903/983-8187 voice

903/983-8255 fax

cascorsam@...

To:

WTOParentsOfBPs

06/24/2004 08:09 cc:

PM Subject: Re I

need help

Please respond to

WTOParentsOfBPs

As an add on to my original note, my daughter just had the police at my

door

after she called them and told them I would not relinquish my grandsons to

her. I had tried 3 times to drop them off since she came back last

Wednesday

night and all 3 times she didn't want them. So, I kept them expecting her

to

eventually call. I guess I was supposed to call her and beg her to take

them. I

do honestly feel they are better with me than with her and her excon

husband.

But, after tonight, I guess I wonder what accusations will come next. I am

in my 50's and

I don't want to continue what appears to be game playing on her part and

there can never be a winning situation and my little grandsons will never

have a

normal life nor will I. I went for a long drive after the police left and

I

think I need to move out of this state if I am to survive. My older

grandson

(he's almost 6) and I have a very special relationship, but I know she will

probably do something else to me to make my life miserable where these

children

are concerned. So, I see no other alternative but to leave.

[Guest guest]

I am so glad that my post gave you hope. I am always hesitant to write

because I get long-winded and seem to just carry on so that even I get

tired of hearing it. I am happy to give you my attorney's name and number.

He is R.L. Whitehead in Longview, Texas and his number is 903/758-0561. His

assistant is named Tina and that is who I always talk to about concerns and

issues. It was very expensive and in our case we had always wondered if we

would know when to act in the girls behalf. Our son-in-law beat our

daughter so severely that neighbors called 911 and they took him to jail

and her to the hospital and at that point we knew we had to act. I got

copies of the police report, etc. and took all that with me to the

attorney. I think anyone can get copies of things like that and so you

should be able to get copies of all the stuff that the guy she is with has

done and alot of the time the state or county has a web site that has lots

of valuable information on criminals. I have been surprised at how much

information I was able to get that way. It was an example of a pattern of

behavior.

You asked how long my daughter has been like this and is at times she is

okay. It feels like we've had a hold of the end of the last car of a roller

coaster ride for a long time. One of the huge differences now is that the

girls world is not turned up side down each time she does something so

unbelievable. As long as I can keep my cool and act as if all is okay, they

don't even know we have drama/trauma going on. I am so glad that they get

to skip all of that now. I put both of the girls in play therapy and they

both benefitted from it. The younger one was mostly doing age-appropriate

things but the older child had lots and lots of anger and abandonment

issues. I had been compensating with them for as long as I could remember

because of the lack of consistent parenting in their lives. After I had

them awhile I figured out that I had to firm up on things and take on the

parent role and no more could I just be grandma. I miss that getting to

just do the fun stuff, but i have a grandson by my son and i get to be his

grandma and that is so nice. The girls have come so incredibly far in the

consistency that we provide for them. It is almost like day and night. They

just finished a week of vacation bible school and the first week of a two

week swimming class. I get overwhelmed and exhausted and frustrated and

angry and all the emotions across the board, but mostly i thank God that I

can do this and have the health to do it. My life is work and kids and I'm

the oldest at all the activities, but that's okay. I can clap the loudest

and smile the biggest at their victories. Good luck to you. Making a

commitment this size is huge and also having to fight to do it is

difficult. My daughter accuses us of stealing them from her, but there are

times when she doesn't see them for as long as a month at the time. It

breaks my heart, but in reality is better for the kids if she isn't in the

picture. While typing this she has called and ended up blaming all her

problems on me and focusing on my life instead of her own. It just never

ends and is so exhausting. She is with her husband again and they are using

drugs and making veiled threats about what they are going to do where the

kids are concerned. They sleep on someone's couch and would never be able

to get an attorney or prove that they are fit. The court papers read that

visitation is based on our discretion and so we use that as fairly as we

can. She is not able to divide reality from fiction and the girls are not

on her priority list at all. She is angry and guilty and just overall not

living in the same world that all the rest of us live in. My heart breaks

for her but i also know that i can not save her and my trying is keeping

her from falling to whatever level she must fall to to get better. I only

have enough energy to take care of her children and make a difference in

their lives. I am finally, after years and years, at the point where I know

the best and smartest thing I can do is get out of the way and lets things

happen as they must. She always threatens suicide, etc. and I have also

realized that I don't know for sure that I could cope with that, but I do

know that I can not live in fear of it or change the way I do things based

on what ifs and maybes. Her girls have to be the very most important thing

to me and so her and her needs are secondary to that.

Man, have I rambled on and on. See why I don't post often?! It really is

therapeutic for me to express how I feel, just hard to stop when I get

started. It feels like I have an on and off button and that she pushes it

constantly and i never get to be off call! Better go, hope some of this

helped in some way. Your grandchildren need you and you can make a

difference in their lives. God can do what we can't, talk to Him about it

and let Him do the rest.

Good luck

a

a Jamerson

Coordinator, Alumni Relations

Kilgore College

1100 Broadway

Kilgore, TX 75662-3299

903/983-8187 voice

903/983-8255 fax

[Guest guest]

Dear a

Thank you for forwarding me your attorney's name. From my research with

attorneys here in RI, I think this is going to be an uphill battle. What ages

were your grandchildren when you finally went to court? Had your daughter's

craziness been going on for a while before you got them? Had she denied you

access to them at any time previous?

My daughter does bizarre things, but she also does things that are if not

illegal, then immoral, like borrowing money from other family members and not

paying them back, putting her utilities under the children's soc security #s and

then not paying them when the bills run up, collecting welfare while working

and forging her pay stubs to make it look like she earns less so she can

collect more. She acts like a criminal and she was never raised this way, but

seems

to take GREAT pleasure in giving the world " the business " so to speak. Is

this part of borderline or do you think she has sociopathetic tendencies as

well? I feel somewhat frightened by the things she does and she just gives me a

blank stare when I ask her how she can do such things. It's as though

" nobody's home "

in her head.

I have had no conact with her or my grandchildren for 2 days now. After the

police incident the other day, my son thinks I should not call her and give

her or the ex-con the opportunity to tell me I can't talk to the children..My

son thinks she does many things as power plays and that she derives pleasure

from this. He feels that if I don't call her she will tire of having the boys

(ages 4 and almost 6) all day. I was paying for their summer program and I had

them for the past month while she was in Las Vegas getting married and not

working with her dead beat husband whose condition of parole is to work, but who

has been out of jail since March and has worked all of 2 days.

I can see as I reread this that I, too ramble! I honestly think that if it

were not for my grandsons, I would be through with her. I don't like her as a

person and I cannot even look at her anymore. If she wanted to ruin her life

that was her choice, but to try to ruin the lives of her children by exposing

them to this bum she married and all his druggie friends. I just can't deal

with that.

From your experience with this illness, can you tell me other things I might

expect as time goes on? Are there patterns of behavior? Is each case

individual?

Does your daughter live in the same state or has she left the area? You

said she called the other day; does she ask you for money all the time or does

she just call you to vent ?

I think I need to see a counselor again. I am not sleeping and crying all

the time, which isn't helping my job performance. Who wants to buy a house from

someone crying all the time!!! My clients will think i " m crying about the

house!!!!!

Hope to hear from you.

Jean

..