Re: Mother's Health Issues

[Guest guest]

Arianna, I know how tough it is. I'm an only child and that definitely adds to

the pressure. It's like you're supposed to put nada's life right for her. I

also know what it's like when she expects you to be psychic!

It's easy for me to say, but try to stay calm. The most important person at the

moment is you. That doesn't mean you don't care about your mother or that

you're a bad daughter. But you owe it to yourself (and your children) to fulfil

your dream. Otherwise, you'll end up bitter and resentful like your nada! And

you wouldn't wish that on your own children would you?

I really hope your Mum's diagnosis is benign. I know you love her as your Mum,

despite everything. But please be true to yourself and do what's right for you.

Good Luck with your finals.

All the best, Jeanie

>

> Earlier this week I found out that my mother had gone to the emergency room

with some chest pain. (I will spare you the details of how she pulled a " I hate

you, don't leave me " stunt with the friends who forced her to go.) She did not

bother to call me and if I had not called her the next day, she would have used

this opportunity to blame me even more for being an " uncaring " daughter. I have

daily contact with her either directly (although I normally limit it to (max.) 5

minutes) or through my kids who are very loving towards her (as I have raised

them to be), but she drove herself to the ER and did not bother to pick up the

phone and let her only child know that she was going. I was somehow supposed to

be psychic and know that she was unwell.

>

> Then she dropped the bombshell on me - they found a tumor in her lung! At

first she told me she was not going to follow up, so I spent 20 minutes

convincing her that she HAD to go see her doctor and follow up. She agreed and

now we are waiting to hear a definitive diagnosis on Monday. In the meantime,

she has already begun blaming me, my father, her parents for her bad health. She

did not stop, not even for 1 second, to consider that maybe, just MAYBE, her 30+

years (that I know of) of smoking (at times 2 packs a day) might have had

something to do with this. She immediately went into her usual " victim " routine.

Next, when people start questioning her about her smoking history, I KNOW she is

going to blame me for it. She has done it in the past, she told everyone,

including random strangers, that my " bad behavior " made her smoke. She finally

quit 3 years ago, but I'm afraid it is too late.

>

> I am just finishing my first semester of medical school and finals are around

the corner. I am a thousand miles away from her, and I don't know what I am

going to do if my worst fears are confirmed on Monday. The kids and I are going

to visit her for the holidays, but I have to come back for school after 2 weeks.

I am her only child, so I don't know how I am supposed to help her through this

without giving up my own life. I put aside my own life and dreams more than once

FOR her, and also BECAUSE of her and my father, as well as because of the damage

that growing up with them had done to me. I am already much older than my

20-something classmates, but I am finally living my dream.... and now this!

>

> I am crossing every finger and toe that her test comes back as something

benign, innocuous... but this waiting period is very tough and I am really

struggling to keep myself from panicking.

>

> I don't know if I have the strength to put up with both her mental disease and

such an awful physical disease at the same time.

>

> I know that several of the KOs here have been in similar situations, and I

appreciate any thoughts, insights, advice...

>

> Thanks for reading,

> Arianna

>

[Guest guest]

I too am an only child- which does present her own set of circumstances.

I think as hard as it is- you must do what is right for you.

No matter what you do your mother will still probably be angry- and working

through her victim role. So again I say what is right for you in terms of this

situation with your mother. I am learning no matter what I do for my nada- she

remains unhappy- super critical and angry.

So I am trying to figure how I can comfortably live with myself and the choices

I make about nada.

I pray that the test results for your mother are negative and she is ok. The

holidays aren't that far away- hopefully you can hold out till then- and maybe

if you are mother requires additional assistanc- no matter what the tests show-

you can find a local agency to help her out.

I hope you stay healthy for you and your children.

Blessings,

Malinda

> >

> > Earlier this week I found out that my mother had gone to the emergency room

with some chest pain. (I will spare you the details of how she pulled a " I hate

you, don't leave me " stunt with the friends who forced her to go.) She did not

bother to call me and if I had not called her the next day, she would have used

this opportunity to blame me even more for being an " uncaring " daughter. I have

daily contact with her either directly (although I normally limit it to (max.) 5

minutes) or through my kids who are very loving towards her (as I have raised

them to be), but she drove herself to the ER and did not bother to pick up the

phone and let her only child know that she was going. I was somehow supposed to

be psychic and know that she was unwell.

> >

> > Then she dropped the bombshell on me - they found a tumor in her lung! At

first she told me she was not going to follow up, so I spent 20 minutes

convincing her that she HAD to go see her doctor and follow up. She agreed and

now we are waiting to hear a definitive diagnosis on Monday. In the meantime,

she has already begun blaming me, my father, her parents for her bad health. She

did not stop, not even for 1 second, to consider that maybe, just MAYBE, her 30+

years (that I know of) of smoking (at times 2 packs a day) might have had

something to do with this. She immediately went into her usual " victim " routine.

Next, when people start questioning her about her smoking history, I KNOW she is

going to blame me for it. She has done it in the past, she told everyone,

including random strangers, that my " bad behavior " made her smoke. She finally

quit 3 years ago, but I'm afraid it is too late.

> >

> > I am just finishing my first semester of medical school and finals are

around the corner. I am a thousand miles away from her, and I don't know what I

am going to do if my worst fears are confirmed on Monday. The kids and I are

going to visit her for the holidays, but I have to come back for school after 2

weeks. I am her only child, so I don't know how I am supposed to help her

through this without giving up my own life. I put aside my own life and dreams

more than once FOR her, and also BECAUSE of her and my father, as well as

because of the damage that growing up with them had done to me. I am already

much older than my 20-something classmates, but I am finally living my dream....

and now this!

> >

> > I am crossing every finger and toe that her test comes back as something

benign, innocuous... but this waiting period is very tough and I am really

struggling to keep myself from panicking.

> >

> > I don't know if I have the strength to put up with both her mental disease

and such an awful physical disease at the same time.

> >

> > I know that several of the KOs here have been in similar situations, and I

appreciate any thoughts, insights, advice...

> >

> > Thanks for reading,

> > Arianna

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Arianna, it is a tough spot indeed. I can relate as I'm an only child also and

my nada has had cancer twice and renal failure. Physical illness is the one

thing that really breaks down my boundaries with her - it is a struggle. I'd

suggest you give a lot of thought now, before you know the results of the

biopsy, to consider what you will and will not do. I was under pressure to

offer to donate my nada a kidney and was the only blood relative who could

conceivably do so. I'm guessing you can imagine how that was.

If your nada has lung cancer that's not a quickly dealt with thing even if they

can cure it. You mentioned she had friends who made her go to the ER, so

hopefully these same friends can be involved in helping her if she has to have

chemo/radiation. There are all sorts of services that can be arranged as

well....if you sacrifice your dreams and your future it still won't be enough,

it still won't make things okay. Be true to you.

>

> Earlier this week I found out that my mother had gone to the emergency room

with some chest pain. (I will spare you the details of how she pulled a " I hate

you, don't leave me " stunt with the friends who forced her to go.) She did not

bother to call me and if I had not called her the next day, she would have used

this opportunity to blame me even more for being an " uncaring " daughter. I have

daily contact with her either directly (although I normally limit it to (max.) 5

minutes) or through my kids who are very loving towards her (as I have raised

them to be), but she drove herself to the ER and did not bother to pick up the

phone and let her only child know that she was going. I was somehow supposed to

be psychic and know that she was unwell.

>

> Then she dropped the bombshell on me - they found a tumor in her lung! At

first she told me she was not going to follow up, so I spent 20 minutes

convincing her that she HAD to go see her doctor and follow up. She agreed and

now we are waiting to hear a definitive diagnosis on Monday. In the meantime,

she has already begun blaming me, my father, her parents for her bad health. She

did not stop, not even for 1 second, to consider that maybe, just MAYBE, her 30+

years (that I know of) of smoking (at times 2 packs a day) might have had

something to do with this. She immediately went into her usual " victim " routine.

Next, when people start questioning her about her smoking history, I KNOW she is

going to blame me for it. She has done it in the past, she told everyone,

including random strangers, that my " bad behavior " made her smoke. She finally

quit 3 years ago, but I'm afraid it is too late.

>

> I am just finishing my first semester of medical school and finals are around

the corner. I am a thousand miles away from her, and I don't know what I am

going to do if my worst fears are confirmed on Monday. The kids and I are going

to visit her for the holidays, but I have to come back for school after 2 weeks.

I am her only child, so I don't know how I am supposed to help her through this

without giving up my own life. I put aside my own life and dreams more than once

FOR her, and also BECAUSE of her and my father, as well as because of the damage

that growing up with them had done to me. I am already much older than my

20-something classmates, but I am finally living my dream.... and now this!

>

> I am crossing every finger and toe that her test comes back as something

benign, innocuous... but this waiting period is very tough and I am really

struggling to keep myself from panicking.

>

> I don't know if I have the strength to put up with both her mental disease and

such an awful physical disease at the same time.

>

> I know that several of the KOs here have been in similar situations, and I

appreciate any thoughts, insights, advice...

>

> Thanks for reading,

> Arianna

>

[Guest guest]

Arianna,

This is a tough situation. I think there are two big questions

you should ask yourself to help clarify what you should do.

First, how will it help things if you choose to stay with her?

Is there something you can do in person that others can't do for

her? If she's like most of our nadas, no matter what you do, she

won't think it is enough. She'll just keep demanding more and/or

keep expressing dissatisfaction with whatever you do. The second

is how will such a choice affect you and your children? As a

mother, your primary responsibility to others is to your

children (and to your spouse if you have one), not your mother.

You don't mention how old they are, but it sounds like they

aren't grown and out of your house yet, so your state of mind is

going to have an affect on them and dropping your dreams to take

care of a woman who is emotionally abusive is certainly going to

have a negative affect on your state of mind. If you went to

take care of her, would your children have to go with you? If

so, the affect that would have on them is a big consideration

too.

At 06:30 PM 12/05/2009 Person wrote:

>Earlier this week I found out that my mother had gone to the

>emergency room with some chest pain. (I will spare you the

>details of how she pulled a " I hate you, don't leave me " stunt

>with the friends who forced her to go.) She did not bother to

>call me and if I had not called her the next day, she would

>have used this opportunity to blame me even more for being an

> " uncaring " daughter. I have daily contact with her either

>directly (although I normally limit it to (max.) 5 minutes) or

>through my kids who are very loving towards her (as I have

>raised them to be), but she drove herself to the ER and did not

>bother to pick up the phone and let her only child know that

>she was going. I was somehow supposed to be psychic and know

>that she was unwell.

>

>Then she dropped the bombshell on me - they found a tumor in

>her lung! At first she told me she was not going to follow up,

>so I spent 20 minutes convincing her that she HAD to go see her

>doctor and follow up. She agreed and now we are waiting to hear

>a definitive diagnosis on Monday. In the meantime, she has

>already begun blaming me, my father, her parents for her bad

>health. She did not stop, not even for 1 second, to consider

>that maybe, just MAYBE, her 30+ years (that I know of) of

>smoking (at times 2 packs a day) might have had something to do

>with this. She immediately went into her usual " victim "

>routine. Next, when people start questioning her about her

>smoking history, I KNOW she is going to blame me for it. She

>has done it in the past, she told everyone, including random

>strangers, that my " bad behavior " made her smoke. She finally

>quit 3 years ago, but I'm afraid it is too late.

>

>I am just finishing my first semester of medical school and

>finals are around the corner. I am a thousand miles away from

>her, and I don't know what I am going to do if my worst fears

>are confirmed on Monday. The kids and I are going to visit her

>for the holidays, but I have to come back for school after 2

>weeks. I am her only child, so I don't know how I am supposed

>to help her through this without giving up my own life. I put

>aside my own life and dreams more than once FOR her, and also

>BECAUSE of her and my father, as well as because of the damage

>that growing up with them had done to me. I am already much

>older than my 20-something classmates, but I am finally living

>my dream.... and now this!

>

>I am crossing every finger and toe that her test comes back as

>something benign, innocuous... but this waiting period is very

>tough and I am really struggling to keep myself from panicking.

>

>I don't know if I have the strength to put up with both her

>mental disease and such an awful physical disease at the same

>time.

>

>I know that several of the KOs here have been in similar

>situations, and I appreciate any thoughts, insights, advice...

>

>Thanks for reading,

>Arianna

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

" without giving up my own life. I put aside my own life and dreams more than

once FOR her, and also BECAUSE of her and my father, as well as because of the

damage that growing up with them had done to me. I am already much older than my

20-something classmates, but I am finally living my dream.... and now this! "

Boy, am I waiting to hear people's responses to this. I can't say exactly the

same thing has happened to me, but the overall situation has been very, very

close.

Not to go into too much identifying detail, but the stuff I did to my own life

for/because of them has me really, really stuck now. All I knew when it was

time for me to choose a career was what they wanted and what they would be proud

of and what they thought would make them feel better, and not what I liked and

what I wanted and what would feel good to me. I chose a career I had no

aptitude for that required years and years and years of school for...which I got

stuck with the bill for, because although my father died suddenly when I was 12

and my family had the money for me to go to college, the dysfunctional FOO all

made sure it was gone by the time I needed it, and then the same dysfunctional

FOO that wanted me to have this degree and pursue this career didn't want to

cosign student loans...and you can't get them without cosigners.

So upon graduation, stupid cowie here, trying to relieve their minds and make

them proud, takes out a ruinous consolidation loan so they aren't cosigning

anything anymore, and takes all that debt solely on herself so no one but her is

on the hook anymore. Which would have been OK if I had made a career choice

that was good and right and appropriate for ME. But it wasn't, so I have

struggled and struggled in the career for 16 years, never making the kind of

salary one needs in order to do things like pay down the debt, have health

insurance, a savings, and all that kind of stuff. So of course add on two major

surgeries that now I have to pay monthly on, because I couldn't afford health

insurance, and all life's other little disasters which would have been

affordable if I had been in a career I could have performed decently in.

Along the way I found out what it was I really wanted to do: Writing. I do

have some aptitude. I entered a writing contest and had two college literature

professors telling me my first novel was " a remarkable achievement, " and I know

I can write a query letter because I just edited one for a friend and she has

the first publisher she queried now reading her manuscript. All I need, I told

myself, is TIME to work on something I can publish.

Somehow the finances worked out so I could just, just, just, JUST make it by

working four days a week, and just when I had the idea I could actually publish

and had the book all plotted out...I get the care of my 86 year old bipolar

great aunt and my handicapped cousin, which is like another full time job. They

are just not in touch with reality at all and are very entitled and

argumentative people. And stupid cowie here has said yes and is now stuck with

the power of attorney and all the responsibility. I finally dumped the BP nada

and the dysfunctional FOO, and now I'm stuck with two MORE mentally ill people

who are a pile of work and can't be made happy. JUST when I finally had a plan

in place and a dream I liked and actually had some talent at and knew how to

move toward.

I am pretty miserable right now. It's like my life has been blown into a

million pieces and there is NOTHING in it anymore that *I* actually like, that

*I* actually want, that *I* actually look forward to doing. EXACTLY like when I

was growing up and my whole life was dictated by school and a screaming BP nada

who wouldn't even let me sit down for half an hour after I got off the bus and

just relax in the afternoons before plunging into the endless round of homework

and chores she wanted me to do for *her* after *she* got to be home all day

long.

I want to know, WHY, WHY does this happen to us? Does God have any mercy at

all? And exactly what the ... are we supposed to do???

Any ideas?

--.

[Guest guest]

- Having power of attorney means you get to make decisions. It doesn't

mean you have to wait on them hand and foot and give up your own life. My

suggestion - re-imagine yourself as the " executive " in charge of their care.

Then make the decisions necessary to get them into some kind of managed care

facility where they can be treated by professionals - people who have chosen and

been trained for that work, and who are getting paid for it, and who can quit

and walk away at any time. You just deal with the paperwork (which is a lot, I

know) and you REFUSE to provide personal nursing care to either one of them. If

they don't like it, if the FOO complains, you cheerfully offer blank Power of

Attorney forms to the person(s) doing the complaining, and let THEM take over.

Enough is enough. If you continue to lie down in front of the front door,

people will continue to treat you as a doormat.

>

> " without giving up my own life. I put aside my own life and dreams more than

once FOR her, and also BECAUSE of her and my father, as well as because of the

damage that growing up with them had done to me. I am already much older than my

20-something classmates, but I am finally living my dream.... and now this! "

>

> Boy, am I waiting to hear people's responses to this. I can't say exactly the

same thing has happened to me, but the overall situation has been very, very

close.

>

> Not to go into too much identifying detail, but the stuff I did to my own life

for/because of them has me really, really stuck now. All I knew when it was

time for me to choose a career was what they wanted and what they would be proud

of and what they thought would make them feel better, and not what I liked and

what I wanted and what would feel good to me. I chose a career I had no

aptitude for that required years and years and years of school for...which I got

stuck with the bill for, because although my father died suddenly when I was 12

and my family had the money for me to go to college, the dysfunctional FOO all

made sure it was gone by the time I needed it, and then the same dysfunctional

FOO that wanted me to have this degree and pursue this career didn't want to

cosign student loans...and you can't get them without cosigners.

>

> So upon graduation, stupid cowie here, trying to relieve their minds and make

them proud, takes out a ruinous consolidation loan so they aren't cosigning

anything anymore, and takes all that debt solely on herself so no one but her is

on the hook anymore. Which would have been OK if I had made a career choice

that was good and right and appropriate for ME. But it wasn't, so I have

struggled and struggled in the career for 16 years, never making the kind of

salary one needs in order to do things like pay down the debt, have health

insurance, a savings, and all that kind of stuff. So of course add on two major

surgeries that now I have to pay monthly on, because I couldn't afford health

insurance, and all life's other little disasters which would have been

affordable if I had been in a career I could have performed decently in.

>

> Along the way I found out what it was I really wanted to do: Writing. I do

have some aptitude. I entered a writing contest and had two college literature

professors telling me my first novel was " a remarkable achievement, " and I know

I can write a query letter because I just edited one for a friend and she has

the first publisher she queried now reading her manuscript. All I need, I told

myself, is TIME to work on something I can publish.

>

> Somehow the finances worked out so I could just, just, just, JUST make it by

working four days a week, and just when I had the idea I could actually publish

and had the book all plotted out...I get the care of my 86 year old bipolar

great aunt and my handicapped cousin, which is like another full time job. They

are just not in touch with reality at all and are very entitled and

argumentative people. And stupid cowie here has said yes and is now stuck with

the power of attorney and all the responsibility. I finally dumped the BP nada

and the dysfunctional FOO, and now I'm stuck with two MORE mentally ill people

who are a pile of work and can't be made happy. JUST when I finally had a plan

in place and a dream I liked and actually had some talent at and knew how to

move toward.

>

> I am pretty miserable right now. It's like my life has been blown into a

million pieces and there is NOTHING in it anymore that *I* actually like, that

*I* actually want, that *I* actually look forward to doing. EXACTLY like when I

was growing up and my whole life was dictated by school and a screaming BP nada

who wouldn't even let me sit down for half an hour after I got off the bus and

just relax in the afternoons before plunging into the endless round of homework

and chores she wanted me to do for *her* after *she* got to be home all day

long.

>

> I want to know, WHY, WHY does this happen to us? Does God have any mercy at

all? And exactly what the ... are we supposed to do???

>

> Any ideas?

>

> --.

>

[Guest guest]

The answer to your question is, " Say no. "

Randi Kreger

Randi @BPDCentral.com

Author, " The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips

and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells "

(Available at www.BPDCentral.com)

>

> " without giving up my own life. I put aside my own life and dreams more than

once FOR her, and also BECAUSE of her and my father, as well as because of the

damage that growing up with them had done to me. I am already much older than my

20-something classmates, but I am finally living my dream.... and now this! "

>

> Boy, am I waiting to hear people's responses to this. I can't say exactly the

same thing has happened to me, but the overall situation has been very, very

close.

>

> Not to go into too much identifying detail, but the stuff I did to my own life

for/because of them has me really, really stuck now. All I knew when it was

time for me to choose a career was what they wanted and what they would be proud

of and what they thought would make them feel better, and not what I liked and

what I wanted and what would feel good to me. I chose a career I had no

aptitude for that required years and years and years of school for...which I got

stuck with the bill for, because although my father died suddenly when I was 12

and my family had the money for me to go to college, the dysfunctional FOO all

made sure it was gone by the time I needed it, and then the same dysfunctional

FOO that wanted me to have this degree and pursue this career didn't want to

cosign student loans...and you can't get them without cosigners.

>

> So upon graduation, stupid cowie here, trying to relieve their minds and make

them proud, takes out a ruinous consolidation loan so they aren't cosigning

anything anymore, and takes all that debt solely on herself so no one but her is

on the hook anymore. Which would have been OK if I had made a career choice

that was good and right and appropriate for ME. But it wasn't, so I have

struggled and struggled in the career for 16 years, never making the kind of

salary one needs in order to do things like pay down the debt, have health

insurance, a savings, and all that kind of stuff. So of course add on two major

surgeries that now I have to pay monthly on, because I couldn't afford health

insurance, and all life's other little disasters which would have been

affordable if I had been in a career I could have performed decently in.

>

> Along the way I found out what it was I really wanted to do: Writing. I do

have some aptitude. I entered a writing contest and had two college literature

professors telling me my first novel was " a remarkable achievement, " and I know

I can write a query letter because I just edited one for a friend and she has

the first publisher she queried now reading her manuscript. All I need, I told

myself, is TIME to work on something I can publish.

>

> Somehow the finances worked out so I could just, just, just, JUST make it by

working four days a week, and just when I had the idea I could actually publish

and had the book all plotted out...I get the care of my 86 year old bipolar

great aunt and my handicapped cousin, which is like another full time job. They

are just not in touch with reality at all and are very entitled and

argumentative people. And stupid cowie here has said yes and is now stuck with

the power of attorney and all the responsibility. I finally dumped the BP nada

and the dysfunctional FOO, and now I'm stuck with two MORE mentally ill people

who are a pile of work and can't be made happy. JUST when I finally had a plan

in place and a dream I liked and actually had some talent at and knew how to

move toward.

>

> I am pretty miserable right now. It's like my life has been blown into a

million pieces and there is NOTHING in it anymore that *I* actually like, that

*I* actually want, that *I* actually look forward to doing. EXACTLY like when I

was growing up and my whole life was dictated by school and a screaming BP nada

who wouldn't even let me sit down for half an hour after I got off the bus and

just relax in the afternoons before plunging into the endless round of homework

and chores she wanted me to do for *her* after *she* got to be home all day

long.

>

> I want to know, WHY, WHY does this happen to us? Does God have any mercy at

all? And exactly what the ... are we supposed to do???

>

> Any ideas?

>

> --.

>

[Guest guest]

,

I am Power of Attorney for several people, both related and not. I am also set

up to be the executer of several wills. This is NOT my profession. I just for

some reason am someone that comes across as 'trustworthy' and 'dependable' I

guess. (These people are NOT mentally ill BTW). As Randi said below, 'NO' is the

answer.

Im sure there might be more to it than whats in your letter, but you are NOT

responsible to them to be their caretaker. POA is a decision maker, not a

'doer'. It sounds like you have had a long road out from your FOO, why take the

wrong fork now? I have met many people in my life that have waited a LONG time

to do what they really want for various reaasons, they ALL wish they had done so

sooner.

I am somewhat going through this now with one of my kids who is in college and

is not sure what she wants to do yet. She is keeping her mind open at this point

(she is a freshmen) but is looking a 2 of her loves, one of which is known for

being the 'worthless' degree (although I disagree with that and let her know it

too, but I do point out the realities of it too) where she would maybe make

30-40K with about the same debt, and the other a 'professional' degree.....4-6

more years and easily 100k+ in debt. Most 'helpful' adults tell her 'oh, do the

professional degree, it pays soooo much better'. True, but it is also 4-6 more

years, liscensing to pass, more stressfull, poor hours at times, etc.....

Decisons, decisions.

Could you let us know a littel more of WHY you feel you need to take this POA

for your realtives so personally, as in pysically helping them out with a great

deal of time? Are you seeing a T to help you with the stress of this at all?

Take Care,

DKC

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, December 7, 2009 4:51:30 PM

Subject: Re: Mother's Health Issues

The answer to your question is, " Say no. "

Randi Kreger

Randi @BPDCentral. com

Author, " The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips

and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells "

(Available at www.BPDCentral. com)

>

> " without giving up my own life. I put aside my own life and dreams more than

once FOR her, and also BECAUSE of her and my father, as well as because of the

damage that growing up with them had done to me. I am already much older than my

20-something classmates, but I am finally living my dream.... and now this! "

>

> Boy, am I waiting to hear people's responses to this. I can't say exactly the

same thing has happened to me, but the overall situation has been very, very

close.

>

> Not to go into too much identifying detail, but the stuff I did to my own life

for/because of them has me really, really stuck now. All I knew when it was

time for me to choose a career was what they wanted and what they would be proud

of and what they thought would make them feel better, and not what I liked and

what I wanted and what would feel good to me. I chose a career I had no

aptitude for that required years and years and years of school for...which I got

stuck with the bill for, because although my father died suddenly when I was 12

and my family had the money for me to go to college, the dysfunctional FOO all

made sure it was gone by the time I needed it, and then the same dysfunctional

FOO that wanted me to have this degree and pursue this career didn't want to

cosign student loans...and you can't get them without cosigners.

>

> So upon graduation, stupid cowie here, trying to relieve their minds and make

them proud, takes out a ruinous consolidation loan so they aren't cosigning

anything anymore, and takes all that debt solely on herself so no one but her is

on the hook anymore. Which would have been OK if I had made a career choice

that was good and right and appropriate for ME. But it wasn't, so I have

struggled and struggled in the career for 16 years, never making the kind of

salary one needs in order to do things like pay down the debt, have health

insurance, a savings, and all that kind of stuff. So of course add on two major

surgeries that now I have to pay monthly on, because I couldn't afford health

insurance, and all life's other little disasters which would have been

affordable if I had been in a career I could have performed decently in.

>

> Along the way I found out what it was I really wanted to do: Writing. I do

have some aptitude. I entered a writing contest and had two college literature

professors telling me my first novel was " a remarkable achievement, " and I know

I can write a query letter because I just edited one for a friend and she has

the first publisher she queried now reading her manuscript. All I need, I told

myself, is TIME to work on something I can publish.

>

> Somehow the finances worked out so I could just, just, just, JUST make it by

working four days a week, and just when I had the idea I could actually publish

and had the book all plotted out...I get the care of my 86 year old bipolar

great aunt and my handicapped cousin, which is like another full time job. They

are just not in touch with reality at all and are very entitled and

argumentative people. And stupid cowie here has said yes and is now stuck with

the power of attorney and all the responsibility. I finally dumped the BP nada

and the dysfunctional FOO, and now I'm stuck with two MORE mentally ill people

who are a pile of work and can't be made happy. JUST when I finally had a plan

in place and a dream I liked and actually had some talent at and knew how to

move toward.

>

> I am pretty miserable right now. It's like my life has been blown into a

million pieces and there is NOTHING in it anymore that *I* actually like, that

*I* actually want, that *I* actually look forward to doing. EXACTLY like when I

was growing up and my whole life was dictated by school and a screaming BP nada

who wouldn't even let me sit down for half an hour after I got off the bus and

just relax in the afternoons before plunging into the endless round of homework

and chores she wanted me to do for *her* after *she* got to be home all day

long.

>

> I want to know, WHY, WHY does this happen to us? Does God have any mercy at

all? And exactly what the ... are we supposed to do???

>

> Any ideas?

>

> --.

>

[Guest guest]

Ariana, it sounds as though you have put aside your own life and dreams for long

enough. Its never too late to take back your own life. " No " is the answer

indeed! I agree with the other poster that a therapist could help you immensely

with setting up these boundaries, are you seeing one yet? Personally I can

relate to how you feel, its hard to say 'no' sometimes. My therapist has helped

to give me my life back. I wish that for you as well. Nobody can be happy whilst

being the martyr.

Hugs HF