Guest guest Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 It does sound like a reasonable letter...if you take it out of context. In context with your pre-amble it sounds like an attempt to guilt the child into contact. Like she wants to ignore all the unpleasantness and " just sweep everything under the rug. " Sounds like the something my BPD fada would write to me that USED to pull at my heartstrings and cause me to questions if maybe I wasnt the unreasonable and loathsome daughter. Logic suggests that the best thing to do would be to ignore it as it doesnt sound like they have been a postitive influence in his life thus far. What does he want to do? In the end...I think I'd leave it up to him and just be supportive of him no matter what the outcome of his decision. Jen > > The 18 yr old who has lived with us for a year, whose father has BPD and whose mother is uBPD, got a letter in the mail from his mother today. As a bit of background, the last envelope he got from her was right after Mothers Day and included old Mothers Day cards he had sent her in the past, some old school papers and a very mean-spirited letter that demanded he return his bicycle, stated that they had cashed in his savings bond for a trip to Disney with his sisters and their families, and was signed " Mr. and Mrs. M, not Mom and Dad because you don't consider us your parents anymore. " He moved in with us for his senior year of high school because he was fed up with the abuse (mostly emotional, but some physical) in his FOO. I have had to take out a protective order against his nada because she has threatened to kill me. > > Anyhow... today's letter arrived and we are having different interpretations of it here. The teen and I both think it continues to show her craziness, particularly given her last contact with him. My husband and daughter both think it seems like a relatively reasonable letter. I'm wondering what you guys think. > > Thanks, > > > > > " Dear W, > > I hope you will read this letter because it is truly from my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, wonder where you are, and what you are doing. I know you must be in [college town] already as most football practices have begun and I assume marching band has as well. > > I have made so much improvement, you would not believe it. I am seeing a new doctor in Defiance as well as continuing with my therapist in Lima. I am also in a new job at the health dept and am considering taking on an additional part-time job. > > I have so much guilt and regret over things that happened here; I can only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and let us re-establish a relationship with you. Dad and I would love to see you march at one of your home games and also maybe come see you on 'parents " weekend. I don't want to push for too much too fast. > > We missed your entire senior year which we can never get back. Please allow us to be part of your college experience. (We still have savings bonds for you that only you can cash.) I want you to have that money; Since you have blocked our numbers, you will have to make the first call. Also, I wanted you to be Uncle W to [niece]. She is a year old now and is so beautiful. > > Aunt B is dying. She needs a kidney and will probably be on dialysis in a few months. Her function is at 23% of normal and you get put on a donor list if it drops below 20%. So far the meds have kept her off the list. Aunt J only has 1 kidney, Uncle T isn't speaking to anyone, Uncle R isn't related biologically so that leaves Dad and with all his meds, I don't think he would qualify either. So that means she will be dependent on a stranger or cadaver who matches. > > Dad and I went to see " Chicago " at the [local theater]. It was very well done. THere were songs in it I had not heard before. > > We also went to [amusement park]. I had the most fun at the water park; the lazy river and 4 person tube ride. The wave pool was kind of crowded and the waves weren't very big. > > We spent a week with [sister and family] and went hiking at Bushhill falls in the Poconos, swimming at one of [sister's] friends pools, and gambling in Atlantic City. (only lost $4.00) - can't lose too much at the penny slot machines. [niece] loved the ocean and when a wave broke up against her and got her all wet she didn't even cry!! She has been to Texas already, and is going to Disney in December. I don't think she'll remember it as she'll only be 16 months! Oh well, you can't keep [sister] from her " Disney fix. " > > Guess that's all for now. Please let us know if you need or want anything. Hope you like your classes. > > Love, Mom and Dad > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 , If this letter came from a mentally healthy person, I'd think it was reasonable. However, that's apparently not the case. Given the situation, it sounds like typical nada BS to me. They're very good at writing words that claim emotions they don't feel and behavior that is make-believe. I don't know in what way she thinks she has shown improvement, but my guess is it involves something other than BPD. The chances of someone with BPD improving significantly over a relatively short period are very small. Even over a longer period, most of them don't get any better. Getting better requires admitting to having a problem and then getting extensive help with it. Most of them can't get past the initial step of admitting to the problem, so getting help doesn't happen for most of them. It sounds to me like she's trying to guilt him into getting in touch with her. At 09:33 PM 08/11/2009 k12lima wrote: >The 18 yr old who has lived with us for a year, whose father >has BPD and whose mother is uBPD, got a letter in the mail from >his mother today. As a bit of background, the last envelope he >got from her was right after Mothers Day and included old >Mothers Day cards he had sent her in the past, some old school >papers and a very mean-spirited letter that demanded he return >his bicycle, stated that they had cashed in his savings bond >for a trip to Disney with his sisters and their families, and >was signed " Mr. and Mrs. M, not Mom and Dad because you don't >consider us your parents anymore. " He moved in with us for his >senior year of high school because he was fed up with the abuse >(mostly emotional, but some physical) in his FOO. I have had >to take out a protective order against his nada because she has >threatened to kill me. > >Anyhow... today's letter arrived and we are having different >interpretations of it here. The teen and I both think it >continues to show her craziness, particularly given her last >contact with him. My husband and daughter both think it seems >like a relatively reasonable letter. I'm wondering what you >guys think. > >Thanks, > > > > > " Dear W, > >I hope you will read this letter because it is truly from my >heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, wonder >where you are, and what you are doing. I know you must be in >[college town] already as most football practices have begun >and I assume marching band has as well. > >I have made so much improvement, you would not believe it. I >am seeing a new doctor in Defiance as well as continuing with >my therapist in Lima. I am also in a new job at the health >dept and am considering taking on an additional part-time job. > >I have so much guilt and regret over things that happened here; >I can only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and >let us re-establish a relationship with you. Dad and I would >love to see you march at one of your home games and also maybe >come see you on 'parents " weekend. I don't want to push for >too much too fast. > >We missed your entire senior year which we can never get >back. Please allow us to be part of your college >experience. (We still have savings bonds for you that only you >can cash.) I want you to have that money; Since you have >blocked our numbers, you will have to make the first >call. Also, I wanted you to be Uncle W to [niece]. She is a >year old now and is so beautiful. > >Aunt B is dying. She needs a kidney and will probably be on >dialysis in a few months. Her function is at 23% of normal and >you get put on a donor list if it drops below 20%. So far the >meds have kept her off the list. Aunt J only has 1 kidney, >Uncle T isn't speaking to anyone, Uncle R isn't related >biologically so that leaves Dad and with all his meds, I don't >think he would qualify either. So that means she will be >dependent on a stranger or cadaver who matches. > >Dad and I went to see " Chicago " at the [local theater]. It was >very well done. THere were songs in it I had not heard before. > >We also went to [amusement park]. I had the most fun at the >water park; the lazy river and 4 person tube ride. The wave >pool was kind of crowded and the waves weren't very big. > >We spent a week with [sister and family] and went hiking at >Bushhill falls in the Poconos, swimming at one of [sister's] >friends pools, and gambling in Atlantic City. (only lost >$4.00) - can't lose too much at the penny slot machines. >[niece] loved the ocean and when a wave broke up against her >and got her all wet she didn't even cry!! She has been to >Texas already, and is going to Disney in December. I don't >think she'll remember it as she'll only be 16 months! Oh well, >you can't keep [sister] from her " Disney fix. " > >Guess that's all for now. Please let us know if you need or >want anything. Hope you like your classes. > >Love, Mom and Dad -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 I agree with you and the young man, and Jenesis, that by itself the letter appears as though a lovely and reasonable person wrote it. But taken in context with the years of abuse the young man has endured and considering the threats and insults in their previous letter, I can't believe the sentiments are genuine. To me, when considered in context its got a more " Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde " feeling to it. His parents are being " kindly Dr. Jekyll " right now, but if he doesn't do what they want they'll turn back into " Mr. Hyde. " Did you notice how, even though the mother writes that she " has regret " and asks for forgiveness, she won't simply send him his savings bond so he can cash it? She's dangling it as bait to see if she can get him to contact them or visit them. She's using it to manipulate him. I couldn't help but be astonished that after everything they've done to him, they're actually wheedling him to *donate a kidney* to his elderly auntie!!?? Unreal! He is an adult now and the decision about whether to contact them or not is his, but if he were asking my opinion I'd say " They're still trying to manipulate you and use you. " Cluster B " pds that have a high antisocial pd content are really, really good at sounding sincere and genuine, but they are only just playing you like a violin. Don't believe them. Sociopath parents are what all the old fairy-tales were written about, they are the " wolves in sheep's clothing " and all that. I'd either ignore the letter entirely, or call their bluff. Something like, " If you are really genuinely sorry for how you've treated me my whole life and want me to consider forgiving you, then mail me my savings bond. " And if they refuse to give him his savings bond, he can always take them to court. Just my two cents worth. -Annie > > The 18 yr old who has lived with us for a year, whose father has BPD and whose mother is uBPD, got a letter in the mail from his mother today. As a bit of background, the last envelope he got from her was right after Mothers Day and included old Mothers Day cards he had sent her in the past, some old school papers and a very mean-spirited letter that demanded he return his bicycle, stated that they had cashed in his savings bond for a trip to Disney with his sisters and their families, and was signed " Mr. and Mrs. M, not Mom and Dad because you don't consider us your parents anymore. " He moved in with us for his senior year of high school because he was fed up with the abuse (mostly emotional, but some physical) in his FOO. I have had to take out a protective order against his nada because she has threatened to kill me. > > Anyhow... today's letter arrived and we are having different interpretations of it here. The teen and I both think it continues to show her craziness, particularly given her last contact with him. My husband and daughter both think it seems like a relatively reasonable letter. I'm wondering what you guys think. > > Thanks, > > > > > " Dear W, > > I hope you will read this letter because it is truly from my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, wonder where you are, and what you are doing. I know you must be in [college town] already as most football practices have begun and I assume marching band has as well. > > I have made so much improvement, you would not believe it. I am seeing a new doctor in Defiance as well as continuing with my therapist in Lima. I am also in a new job at the health dept and am considering taking on an additional part-time job. > > I have so much guilt and regret over things that happened here; I can only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and let us re-establish a relationship with you. Dad and I would love to see you march at one of your home games and also maybe come see you on 'parents " weekend. I don't want to push for too much too fast. > > We missed your entire senior year which we can never get back. Please allow us to be part of your college experience. (We still have savings bonds for you that only you can cash.) I want you to have that money; Since you have blocked our numbers, you will have to make the first call. Also, I wanted you to be Uncle W to [niece]. She is a year old now and is so beautiful. > > Aunt B is dying. She needs a kidney and will probably be on dialysis in a few months. Her function is at 23% of normal and you get put on a donor list if it drops below 20%. So far the meds have kept her off the list. Aunt J only has 1 kidney, Uncle T isn't speaking to anyone, Uncle R isn't related biologically so that leaves Dad and with all his meds, I don't think he would qualify either. So that means she will be dependent on a stranger or cadaver who matches. > > Dad and I went to see " Chicago " at the [local theater]. It was very well done. THere were songs in it I had not heard before. > > We also went to [amusement park]. I had the most fun at the water park; the lazy river and 4 person tube ride. The wave pool was kind of crowded and the waves weren't very big. > > We spent a week with [sister and family] and went hiking at Bushhill falls in the Poconos, swimming at one of [sister's] friends pools, and gambling in Atlantic City. (only lost $4.00) - can't lose too much at the penny slot machines. [niece] loved the ocean and when a wave broke up against her and got her all wet she didn't even cry!! She has been to Texas already, and is going to Disney in December. I don't think she'll remember it as she'll only be 16 months! Oh well, you can't keep [sister] from her " Disney fix. " > > Guess that's all for now. Please let us know if you need or want anything. Hope you like your classes. > > Love, Mom and Dad > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 I agree with the others. I'll bet that it he doesn't react, in about a week, he'll get a nasty-gram. The part about the kidney is weird - all of a sudden she springs it on him and hints that only a blood relative can donate. My nada loves to spring bad news on me, especially deaths or health problems. Joanna In WTOAdultChildren1 , " k12lima " wrote: > > The 18 yr old who has lived with us for a year, whose father has BPD and whose mother is uBPD, got a letter in the mail from his mother today. As a bit of background, the last envelope he got from her was right after Mothers Day and included old Mothers Day cards he had sent her in the past, some old school papers and a very mean-spirited letter that demanded he return his bicycle, stated that they had cashed in his savings bond for a trip to Disney with his sisters and their families, and was signed " Mr. and Mrs. M, not Mom and Dad because you don't consider us your parents anymore. " He moved in with us for his senior year of high school because he was fed up with the abuse (mostly emotional, but some physical) in his FOO. I have had to take out a protective order against his nada because she has threatened to kill me. > > Anyhow... today's letter arrived and we are having different interpretations of it here. The teen and I both think it continues to show her craziness, particularly given her last contact with him. My husband and daughter both think it seems like a relatively reasonable letter. I'm wondering what you guys think. > > Thanks, > > > > > " Dear W, > > I hope you will read this letter because it is truly from my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, wonder where you are, and what you are doing. I know you must be in [college town] already as most football practices have begun and I assume marching band has as well. > > I have made so much improvement, you would not believe it. I am seeing a new doctor in Defiance as well as continuing with my therapist in Lima. I am also in a new job at the health dept and am considering taking on an additional part-time job. > > I have so much guilt and regret over things that happened here; I can only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and let us re-establish a relationship with you. Dad and I would love to see you march at one of your home games and also maybe come see you on 'parents " weekend. I don't want to push for too much too fast. > > We missed your entire senior year which we can never get back. Please allow us to be part of your college experience. (We still have savings bonds for you that only you can cash.) I want you to have that money; Since you have blocked our numbers, you will have to make the first call. Also, I wanted you to be Uncle W to [niece]. She is a year old now and is so beautiful. > > Aunt B is dying. She needs a kidney and will probably be on dialysis in a few months. Her function is at 23% of normal and you get put on a donor list if it drops below 20%. So far the meds have kept her off the list. Aunt J only has 1 kidney, Uncle T isn't speaking to anyone, Uncle R isn't related biologically so that leaves Dad and with all his meds, I don't think he would qualify either. So that means she will be dependent on a stranger or cadaver who matches. > > Dad and I went to see " Chicago " at the [local theater]. It was very well done. THere were songs in it I had not heard before. > > We also went to [amusement park]. I had the most fun at the water park; the lazy river and 4 person tube ride. The wave pool was kind of crowded and the waves weren't very big. > > We spent a week with [sister and family] and went hiking at Bushhill falls in the Poconos, swimming at one of [sister's] friends pools, and gambling in Atlantic City. (only lost $4.00) - can't lose too much at the penny slot machines. [niece] loved the ocean and when a wave broke up against her and got her all wet she didn't even cry!! She has been to Texas already, and is going to Disney in December. I don't think she'll remember it as she'll only be 16 months! Oh well, you can't keep [sister] from her " Disney fix. " > > Guess that's all for now. Please let us know if you need or want anything. Hope you like your classes. > > Love, Mom and Dad > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 I too find the kidney thing unsettling. she never comes out and says it but you can see she's dancing all around it. She mentions everyone who is related but him. Lots of guilt smeared all over it too. A kidney is a serious thing, it could ruin his football dreams if he has them. It will also interrupt school. It's also something he can only decide for himself is she going to pressure him into donating a kidney?? I would never ask my son to do that for his aunt, and I do love her. I would do it for her but I wouldn't let him do it for her OR me. Dawn From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of joannaandsophie Sent: Tuesday, August 11, 2009 9:37 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: opinions on a letter? I agree with the others. I'll bet that it he doesn't react, in about a week, he'll get a nasty-gram. The part about the kidney is weird - all of a sudden she springs it on him and hints that only a blood relative can donate. My nada loves to spring bad news on me, especially deaths or health problems. Joanna In WTOAdultChildren1 <mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com> , " k12lima " wrote: > > The 18 yr old who has lived with us for a year, whose father has BPD and whose mother is uBPD, got a letter in the mail from his mother today. As a bit of background, the last envelope he got from her was right after Mothers Day and included old Mothers Day cards he had sent her in the past, some old school papers and a very mean-spirited letter that demanded he return his bicycle, stated that they had cashed in his savings bond for a trip to Disney with his sisters and their families, and was signed " Mr. and Mrs. M, not Mom and Dad because you don't consider us your parents anymore. " He moved in with us for his senior year of high school because he was fed up with the abuse (mostly emotional, but some physical) in his FOO. I have had to take out a protective order against his nada because she has threatened to kill me. > > Anyhow... today's letter arrived and we are having different interpretations of it here. The teen and I both think it continues to show her craziness, particularly given her last contact with him. My husband and daughter both think it seems like a relatively reasonable letter. I'm wondering what you guys think. > > Thanks, > > > > > " Dear W, > > I hope you will read this letter because it is truly from my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, wonder where you are, and what you are doing. I know you must be in [college town] already as most football practices have begun and I assume marching band has as well. > > I have made so much improvement, you would not believe it. I am seeing a new doctor in Defiance as well as continuing with my therapist in Lima. I am also in a new job at the health dept and am considering taking on an additional part-time job. > > I have so much guilt and regret over things that happened here; I can only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and let us re-establish a relationship with you. Dad and I would love to see you march at one of your home games and also maybe come see you on 'parents " weekend. I don't want to push for too much too fast. > > We missed your entire senior year which we can never get back. Please allow us to be part of your college experience. (We still have savings bonds for you that only you can cash.) I want you to have that money; Since you have blocked our numbers, you will have to make the first call. Also, I wanted you to be Uncle W to [niece]. She is a year old now and is so beautiful. > > Aunt B is dying. She needs a kidney and will probably be on dialysis in a few months. Her function is at 23% of normal and you get put on a donor list if it drops below 20%. So far the meds have kept her off the list. Aunt J only has 1 kidney, Uncle T isn't speaking to anyone, Uncle R isn't related biologically so that leaves Dad and with all his meds, I don't think he would qualify either. So that means she will be dependent on a stranger or cadaver who matches. > > Dad and I went to see " Chicago " at the [local theater]. It was very well done. THere were songs in it I had not heard before. > > We also went to [amusement park]. I had the most fun at the water park; the lazy river and 4 person tube ride. The wave pool was kind of crowded and the waves weren't very big. > > We spent a week with [sister and family] and went hiking at Bushhill falls in the Poconos, swimming at one of [sister's] friends pools, and gambling in Atlantic City. (only lost $4.00) - can't lose too much at the penny slot machines. [niece] loved the ocean and when a wave broke up against her and got her all wet she didn't even cry!! She has been to Texas already, and is going to Disney in December. I don't think she'll remember it as she'll only be 16 months! Oh well, you can't keep [sister] from her " Disney fix. " > > Guess that's all for now. Please let us know if you need or want anything. Hope you like your classes. > > Love, Mom and Dad > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 Thanks so much for all the insightful replies! We definitely agree about the savings bonds.. if, indeed, she were improving, she could easily have apologized for lying about the savings bond in the last letter and could have enclosed it in this letter! That would have gone a long way in validating her claim of getting better! So.. should he take the bait on the savings bond? Send a letter asking for it? We actually asked our lawyer friend, after the last letter claimed they had cashed in his savings bonds for the family trip to Disney, for his opinion, and the lawyer wrote up a little note with wording that the teen could use if he didn't want to pay for the lawyer to send a letter. The teen decided to just ignore it at that time. He definitely does not want any contact with either of them. I think he clearly recognized the Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde aspect of this letter vs. the last one! I also find it interesting her wording in her " apology " ... I have so much " guilt and regret for things that happened here. " That is not at all an admission that SHE had anything to do with the " things " that happened. It could easily be in her mind that the " things " that happened were caused by someone else (the teen or even me) and that she thinks it's unfortunate that they happened. Perhaps her use of the word " guilt " implies that she herself was somehow responsible, but that seems to be stretching it in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 Again, its his choice. If it were me, I think I'd ignore the letter entirely and not respond in any way, mainly because it would be interesting to see how they react to being thwarted. However, if he really wants his savings bond and they do not send it themselves (out of the kind regard and love they have for him) he can always use the lawyer's letter and/or take them to court at any time in the future he so chooses. I think he is wise to just cheerfully wave goodbye to his bio-parents and launch himself into his own future, frankly. And its not written in stone that he is allowed to have a relationship with his other relatives *only* if he has a relationship with his parents. He can offer friendship and contact with his sibs and cousins and such himself if he has a mind to, and if they respond in friendship then he'll know if they are real, decent, mentally healthy human beings and not flying monkeys. -Annie > > Thanks so much for all the insightful replies! We definitely agree about the savings bonds.. if, indeed, she were improving, she could easily have apologized for lying about the savings bond in the last letter and could have enclosed it in this letter! That would have gone a long way in validating her claim of getting better! > > So.. should he take the bait on the savings bond? Send a letter asking for it? We actually asked our lawyer friend, after the last letter claimed they had cashed in his savings bonds for the family trip to Disney, for his opinion, and the lawyer wrote up a little note with wording that the teen could use if he didn't want to pay for the lawyer to send a letter. The teen decided to just ignore it at that time. > > He definitely does not want any contact with either of them. I think he clearly recognized the Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde aspect of this letter vs. the last one! > > I also find it interesting her wording in her " apology " ... I have so much " guilt and regret for things that happened here. " That is not at all an admission that SHE had anything to do with the " things " that happened. It could easily be in her mind that the " things " that happened were caused by someone else (the teen or even me) and that she thinks it's unfortunate that they happened. Perhaps her use of the word " guilt " implies that she herself was somehow responsible, but that seems to be stretching it in my opinion. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 He has been in contact with many of his family members. His sisters, unfortunately, do seem to be " flying monkeys " [i love that analogy!]. His aunts, on the other hand, have validated to him that they recognized the mental illness in his family while he was growing up and have said that they think he has made a good choice in getting out of there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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