Re: Aging Parents & FOG

[Guest guest]

Tell them no without guilt.  They are grown-ups.  They will find another

solution.

Subject: Aging Parents & FOG

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Sunday, June 21, 2009, 1:17 PM

I was unsuccessfully browsing old posts hoping to find a topic relating to

this. I need some advice here.

My husband is 50, he has cardiovascular disease, peripherial artery disease, a

paralyzed diaphragm, one lung is partially collapsed, he has COPD, and

degenerative disk disease.

I'm an only child. Nada is 78, diabetic, high blood pressure, and torn rotater

cuff. Fada is almost 80, he has cardiovascular disease and one chamber of his

heart does not even function, now he needs a shoulder replacement from ignoring

his own torn rotater cuff 8 years ago. Both of them are right handed and can

barely lift those arms to use them.

Nada was hinting yesterday that they need to find someone to help them with

their one acre of yard work. Her helpless waif self-pitying behavior has worked

on my sense of obligation and guilt overnight and I don't know what to do. I

don't mean to appear uncaring towards them, but they have far more money than

any of us have time...aside from me as currently I am unemployed.

However last summer I had squamous cell skin cancer removed from my nose so I

avoid midday sun at all costs and I've told them my priority is to spend time

with my husband while I have him with me.

(He's deteriorating much faster than either of them and he's nearly 30 years

younger.)

How do I handle this?

K2

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry to hear this, . I would suggest that you mention to them how

there are many affordable gardeners and gardening services out there.

With your sensitivity to the sun (and your husbands condition), this answers the

question itself. I'm sure they don't want to spend their own money, but this is

a must at this time.

Joy

>

> I was unsuccessfully browsing old posts hoping to find a topic relating to

this. I need some advice here.

>

> My husband is 50, he has cardiovascular disease, peripherial artery disease, a

paralyzed diaphragm, one lung is partially collapsed, he has COPD, and

degenerative disk disease.

> I'm an only child. Nada is 78, diabetic, high blood pressure, and torn

rotater cuff. Fada is almost 80, he has cardiovascular disease and one chamber

of his heart does not even function, now he needs a shoulder replacement from

ignoring his own torn rotater cuff 8 years ago. Both of them are right handed

and can barely lift those arms to use them.

>

> Nada was hinting yesterday that they need to find someone to help them with

their one acre of yard work. Her helpless waif self-pitying behavior has worked

on my sense of obligation and guilt overnight and I don't know what to do. I

don't mean to appear uncaring towards them, but they have far more money than

any of us have time...aside from me as currently I am unemployed.

>

> However last summer I had squamous cell skin cancer removed from my nose so I

avoid midday sun at all costs and I've told them my priority is to spend time

with my husband while I have him with me.

> (He's deteriorating much faster than either of them and he's nearly 30 years

younger.)

>

> How do I handle this?

>

> K2

>

[Guest guest]

You could check Angie's list for a referral for a lawn service. Then give your

nada/fada the number to call and schedule it. Most lawn services will give you

an estimate before they contract. There's always the yellow pages, too. Just

cause they need something done doesn't mean YOU have to do it, despite what they

say.

Also, there are eldercare agencies who can provide in-home care for your folks.

I've used A Place for Mom.com - it is a free referral service who helps to match

their needs with services in your area. They are absolutely wonderful,

compassionate, understand their generation that doesn't want to accept help, and

will help you every step. You may even consider them for help with your

husband.

There are lots of elder care help sites on the internet as well. Some even

offer to coordinate their care so you don't have to. Best of luck, I know how

hard this can be.

Jaye

>

> I was unsuccessfully browsing old posts hoping to find a topic relating to

this. I need some advice here.

>

> My husband is 50, he has cardiovascular disease, peripherial artery disease, a

paralyzed diaphragm, one lung is partially collapsed, he has COPD, and

degenerative disk disease.

> I'm an only child. Nada is 78, diabetic, high blood pressure, and torn

rotater cuff. Fada is almost 80, he has cardiovascular disease and one chamber

of his heart does not even function, now he needs a shoulder replacement from

ignoring his own torn rotater cuff 8 years ago. Both of them are right handed

and can barely lift those arms to use them.

>

> Nada was hinting yesterday that they need to find someone to help them with

their one acre of yard work. Her helpless waif self-pitying behavior has worked

on my sense of obligation and guilt overnight and I don't know what to do. I

don't mean to appear uncaring towards them, but they have far more money than

any of us have time...aside from me as currently I am unemployed.

>

> However last summer I had squamous cell skin cancer removed from my nose so I

avoid midday sun at all costs and I've told them my priority is to spend time

with my husband while I have him with me.

> (He's deteriorating much faster than either of them and he's nearly 30 years

younger.)

>

> How do I handle this?

>

> K2

>

[Guest guest]

Not personally helping people who have mistreated you is nothing

to feel guilty about. Repeat that to yourself as often as

necessary. If anyone else treated us like our BP parents, there

would be no question of feeling responsible for helping them

now. If you feel inclined to help, do a little research and come

up with a list of who they can hire to do yard work. If you're

feeling really helpful, you could even call and check out the

possibilities to see which are most suitable. If you don't feel

inclined to help just say " no " to their requests for help. I

wouldn't bother with trying to explain why you can't help

yourself or anything like that. They'd most likely only argue

with you and disparage your reasons because everything is all

about them.

At 01:17 PM 06/21/2009 sarahsmom72585 wrote:

>I was unsuccessfully browsing old posts hoping to find a topic

>relating to this. I need some advice here.

>

>My husband is 50, he has cardiovascular disease, peripherial

>artery disease, a paralyzed diaphragm, one lung is partially

>collapsed, he has COPD, and degenerative disk disease.

>I'm an only child. Nada is 78, diabetic, high blood pressure,

>and torn rotater cuff. Fada is almost 80, he has

>cardiovascular disease and one chamber of his heart does not

>even function, now he needs a shoulder replacement from

>ignoring his own torn rotater cuff 8 years ago. Both of them

>are right handed and can barely lift those arms to use them.

>

>Nada was hinting yesterday that they need to find someone to

>help them with their one acre of yard work. Her helpless waif

>self-pitying behavior has worked on my sense of obligation and

>guilt overnight and I don't know what to do. I don't mean to

>appear uncaring towards them, but they have far more money than

>any of us have time...aside from me as currently I am

>unemployed.

>

>However last summer I had squamous cell skin cancer removed

>from my nose so I avoid midday sun at all costs and I've told

>them my priority is to spend time with my husband while I have

>him with me.

>(He's deteriorating much faster than either of them and he's

>nearly 30 years younger.)

>

>How do I handle this?

>

>K2

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

If I were you, I'd tell your nada that you would be happy to help her find some

gardening/yard work services in her area for her to choose from.

Doing the research for her is something that is really helpful, and then let

your parents choose amongst the options you give them. I think the best

approach is to ask their neighbors who it is they use, and ask if they're happy

with their yard work service.

Let your parents make the final choice, though. That is *very* important.

That strategy lets you be genuinely helpful to your parents while reducing the

risk of them blaming you afterward. If you make the choice for them, then they

can instantly blame you if the service does not work out for them.

We have to put sane, reasonable limits on what we can and can't do for our bpd

parents. Its not black and white, its not all or nothing. Its limited and

reasonable assistance, and its " gray. "

-Annie

>

> I was unsuccessfully browsing old posts hoping to find a topic relating to

this. I need some advice here.

>

> My husband is 50, he has cardiovascular disease, peripherial artery disease, a

paralyzed diaphragm, one lung is partially collapsed, he has COPD, and

degenerative disk disease.

> I'm an only child. Nada is 78, diabetic, high blood pressure, and torn

rotater cuff. Fada is almost 80, he has cardiovascular disease and one chamber

of his heart does not even function, now he needs a shoulder replacement from

ignoring his own torn rotater cuff 8 years ago. Both of them are right handed

and can barely lift those arms to use them.

>

> Nada was hinting yesterday that they need to find someone to help them with

their one acre of yard work. Her helpless waif self-pitying behavior has worked

on my sense of obligation and guilt overnight and I don't know what to do. I

don't mean to appear uncaring towards them, but they have far more money than

any of us have time...aside from me as currently I am unemployed.

>

> However last summer I had squamous cell skin cancer removed from my nose so I

avoid midday sun at all costs and I've told them my priority is to spend time

with my husband while I have him with me.

> (He's deteriorating much faster than either of them and he's nearly 30 years

younger.)

>

> How do I handle this?

>

> K2

>

[Guest guest]

Do you have a hire a student program in your area? You can hire a student for

few hours to do the work and ask her to pay for it. It would probably only cost

her $25. You don't owe her anything. She's pressing your buttons again.

Abby

>

> I was unsuccessfully browsing old posts hoping to find a topic relating to

this. I need some advice here.

>

> My husband is 50, he has cardiovascular disease, peripherial artery disease, a

paralyzed diaphragm, one lung is partially collapsed, he has COPD, and

degenerative disk disease.

> I'm an only child. Nada is 78, diabetic, high blood pressure, and torn

rotater cuff. Fada is almost 80, he has cardiovascular disease and one chamber

of his heart does not even function, now he needs a shoulder replacement from

ignoring his own torn rotater cuff 8 years ago. Both of them are right handed

and can barely lift those arms to use them.

>

> Nada was hinting yesterday that they need to find someone to help them with

their one acre of yard work. Her helpless waif self-pitying behavior has worked

on my sense of obligation and guilt overnight and I don't know what to do. I

don't mean to appear uncaring towards them, but they have far more money than

any of us have time...aside from me as currently I am unemployed.

>

> However last summer I had squamous cell skin cancer removed from my nose so I

avoid midday sun at all costs and I've told them my priority is to spend time

with my husband while I have him with me.

> (He's deteriorating much faster than either of them and he's nearly 30 years

younger.)

>

> How do I handle this?

>

> K2

>

[Guest guest]

I forgot to add...I had a conversation with my therapist about what to do with

nada when/if she gets sick. She told me I have no obligation to look after her

and there are others who will/can. She also said that I shouldn't worry because

if I'm not there to do it she will find someone else who will. She also said

it's okay to admit that I can't do it and there is nothing wrong with that. I am

not failing her, I am looking after myself which is not selfish. I'm passing the

same advice onto you. )

Abby

>

> I was unsuccessfully browsing old posts hoping to find a topic relating to

this. I need some advice here.

>

> My husband is 50, he has cardiovascular disease, peripherial artery disease, a

paralyzed diaphragm, one lung is partially collapsed, he has COPD, and

degenerative disk disease.

> I'm an only child. Nada is 78, diabetic, high blood pressure, and torn

rotater cuff. Fada is almost 80, he has cardiovascular disease and one chamber

of his heart does not even function, now he needs a shoulder replacement from

ignoring his own torn rotater cuff 8 years ago. Both of them are right handed

and can barely lift those arms to use them.

>

> Nada was hinting yesterday that they need to find someone to help them with

their one acre of yard work. Her helpless waif self-pitying behavior has worked

on my sense of obligation and guilt overnight and I don't know what to do. I

don't mean to appear uncaring towards them, but they have far more money than

any of us have time...aside from me as currently I am unemployed.

>

> However last summer I had squamous cell skin cancer removed from my nose so I

avoid midday sun at all costs and I've told them my priority is to spend time

with my husband while I have him with me.

> (He's deteriorating much faster than either of them and he's nearly 30 years

younger.)

>

> How do I handle this?

>

> K2

>

[Guest guest]

I needed to hear all these comments from everyone. I've asked my son who works

in the town where nada lives to ask coworkers if they could recommend a lawn

service. Nada's neighbor doesn't talk to her...imagine that! I really needed to

hear that I'm not failing my parents, I'm looking after myself and my husband

and that is not selfish, but what is needed at this time. At 52 its sad I still

need others to give me permission to say no. Nada is pushing my buttons for

sure. Thanks for the advice.

K2

> >

> > I was unsuccessfully browsing old posts hoping to find a topic relating to

this. I need some advice here.

> >

> > My husband is 50, he has cardiovascular disease, peripherial artery disease,

a paralyzed diaphragm, one lung is partially collapsed, he has COPD, and

degenerative disk disease.

> > I'm an only child. Nada is 78, diabetic, high blood pressure, and torn

rotater cuff. Fada is almost 80, he has cardiovascular disease and one chamber

of his heart does not even function, now he needs a shoulder replacement from

ignoring his own torn rotater cuff 8 years ago. Both of them are right handed

and can barely lift those arms to use them.

> >

> > Nada was hinting yesterday that they need to find someone to help them with

their one acre of yard work. Her helpless waif self-pitying behavior has worked

on my sense of obligation and guilt overnight and I don't know what to do. I

don't mean to appear uncaring towards them, but they have far more money than

any of us have time...aside from me as currently I am unemployed.

> >

> > However last summer I had squamous cell skin cancer removed from my nose so

I avoid midday sun at all costs and I've told them my priority is to spend time

with my husband while I have him with me.

> > (He's deteriorating much faster than either of them and he's nearly 30 years

younger.)

> >

> > How do I handle this?

> >

> > K2

> >

>