Guest guest Posted June 21, 2009 Report Share Posted June 21, 2009 Kate, Happy birthday. I'm sorry to hear it wasn't so happy for you. Birthdays are not good for me either. Too many memories and associations. I think we sometimes think that LC or NC will make it all go away. It doesn't. It only removes the BP from us for the moment so we don't have the constant interaction we once did. It doesn't erase the years of hurt or disappointment. If anything, it gives us time to think about all that. Abby > > Yesterday was my birthday...the first one I've had while I've been NC with nada and n-sis. I think I've been going through a time of grieving the loss of those relationships(even though they were so sick and toxic) I didn't have the emotional energy to celebrate...and we're short of money right now after DH being out of work for so long... didn't do anything special to mark the day...my choice. > > Nada sent a package...which DH intercepted and put in his office at home, I haven't even looked at it. In one of our last conversations before NC she and I had agreed to stop exchanging gifts on holidays...DH has been out of work, and we're in financial survival mode. But of course she sent Christmas gifts. I let those sit until late February and finally opened them when I felt like I could deal with it. > > I didn't send her a mother's day card, so of course she has to show her moral superiority(and lack of respect for my wishes) by sending me a birthday gift and card. > > I know that I have no control over her choices, but I can choose how I respond. The box will just sit there until I decide what to do with it... > > The reason I'm writing this post is because I could use some help sorting out my feelings. I didn't feel like opening any of my other cards either, so they're still unopened. I also got some happy birthday phone calls that I just let go to voice mail. DH and I didn't do anything to celebrate either...partly my choice and partly because he's stressed and overwhelmed with his new job and long commute. I was relieved to wake up this morning and have the day be over with... > > My birthday has been a source of pain for me for many years. Nada often acted out aggressively on my birthday while I was growing up. The day was an odd combination of nada making a big to-do about it mixed with a nada meltdown of some type. Either she would collapse into tears or anger because the effort she put in wasn't appreciated, or it had all been too much for her...or she would go into rage mode and attack me verbally until she collapsed. The day would end up being all about nada in one way or another. This was a pattern on all of the holidays. Nada seemed to have some kind of inner compulsion that made her go all out on the holidays, but always let everyone know what an effort it was....always followed by a decompensation on the holiday itself where she either regressed into a weeping puddle on the floor in the fetal position or into full blown annihilating witch mode. > > As an adult, I've always struggled with birthday blues. I often feel very emotionally vulnerable on my birthday, and the day invariably ends with tears. I've worked on this in therapy, and journaled about it every year...and although there's been some improvement, I'm a long way from being healed. This year was the first one where I didn't talk to/see nada. > > I talked to DH last night, told him how I felt, cried for awhile. We were watching a Gilmore Girls episode...coincidentally about mother/daughter estrangement on the daughter's birthday. It brought up a lot of feelings for me. > > Those feelings and thoughts feel locked away this morning, though. I just feel blank and blah and very slowed down, very tired. > > I thought that NC would bring me freedom, and it is nice to not have to deal with nada's constant verbal abuse and manipulation... but it's also brought me to a point of grieving the relationship and realizing all the damage that nada did to my soul. Since NC, I've gotten in touch with feelings and memories that I had pushed down. I don't know how I managed to tolerate contact with her for all those years. > > Thanks for listening. I don't even know what my question is here...but would appreciate any feedback that others would have... > > Kate > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 21, 2009 Report Share Posted June 21, 2009 Kate, I want to say that your birthday should never have been about nada. It should be a celebration for all the people you have touched and all the lives that are better with you here. It celebrates that you were born, even though sometimes, the nadas that gave birth, don't realize what a gift that was. I also feel that NC suddenly opens these flood gates of emotions that need to be felt, expressed, worked through and healed. Also NC starts the grieving process. I think part of what we are grieving is the loss of hope that someday nada will be a mother, or a mom. Just as there are no " right " words when some loses a loved one, there are no right words for the passing of that hope either. There is also no right way to grieve, and if not opening cards and packages is part of your greiving process, then don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Unfortunately, nada sending you packages and cards interupts the nature path of grieving. For all of us, when our nadas stalk us, they are constently picking and scratching at wounds that need peace to heal. I don't think nadas (or their allies) realize that they help to prolong the greiving process by their harassments. (or maybe they do) I shouldn't speak for everyone, but I absolutely feel this way myself and it seems by your letter that your nadas cards and packages are doing this. Only you will know when you are ready to continue to the next step of grieving, and only you will know what that step is. Hopefully, those that sent you birthday wishes will understand that this is part of what you need to do to work through your feelings right now. (I apporoach mother's day the same way). Some people may not understand the situation with nada, but they may respect that you are dealing with it in your own way. Other people, unfortunately, may not. (I'm sure a few people were a bit annoyed I didn't phone them on mother's day)But you need to heal you, not other people, so worry about what helps you feels better right now. If that means opening your birthday cards a few monthes from now, or years, or even never, then that's ok. If anyone asks and you want to give them an answer, try telling them " my birthday is a difficult time right now, and I felt it was better to not to give it a lot of attetion at this time. Thank you for calling me/sending a card, I appreciate your birthday wishes. " This is what I say for mother's day. I hope you are able to work through this at your own pace. Take care. ~Kim > > Yesterday was my birthday...the first one I've had while I've been NC with nada and n-sis. I think I've been going through a time of grieving the loss of those relationships(even though they were so sick and toxic) I didn't have the emotional energy to celebrate...and we're short of money right now after DH being out of work for so long... didn't do anything special to mark the day...my choice. > > Nada sent a package...which DH intercepted and put in his office at home, I haven't even looked at it. In one of our last conversations before NC she and I had agreed to stop exchanging gifts on holidays...DH has been out of work, and we're in financial survival mode. But of course she sent Christmas gifts. I let those sit until late February and finally opened them when I felt like I could deal with it. > > I didn't send her a mother's day card, so of course she has to show her moral superiority(and lack of respect for my wishes) by sending me a birthday gift and card. > > I know that I have no control over her choices, but I can choose how I respond. The box will just sit there until I decide what to do with it... > > The reason I'm writing this post is because I could use some help sorting out my feelings. I didn't feel like opening any of my other cards either, so they're still unopened. I also got some happy birthday phone calls that I just let go to voice mail. DH and I didn't do anything to celebrate either...partly my choice and partly because he's stressed and overwhelmed with his new job and long commute. I was relieved to wake up this morning and have the day be over with... > > My birthday has been a source of pain for me for many years. Nada often acted out aggressively on my birthday while I was growing up. The day was an odd combination of nada making a big to-do about it mixed with a nada meltdown of some type. Either she would collapse into tears or anger because the effort she put in wasn't appreciated, or it had all been too much for her...or she would go into rage mode and attack me verbally until she collapsed. The day would end up being all about nada in one way or another. This was a pattern on all of the holidays. Nada seemed to have some kind of inner compulsion that made her go all out on the holidays, but always let everyone know what an effort it was....always followed by a decompensation on the holiday itself where she either regressed into a weeping puddle on the floor in the fetal position or into full blown annihilating witch mode. > > As an adult, I've always struggled with birthday blues. I often feel very emotionally vulnerable on my birthday, and the day invariably ends with tears. I've worked on this in therapy, and journaled about it every year...and although there's been some improvement, I'm a long way from being healed. This year was the first one where I didn't talk to/see nada. > > I talked to DH last night, told him how I felt, cried for awhile. We were watching a Gilmore Girls episode...coincidentally about mother/daughter estrangement on the daughter's birthday. It brought up a lot of feelings for me. > > Those feelings and thoughts feel locked away this morning, though. I just feel blank and blah and very slowed down, very tired. > > I thought that NC would bring me freedom, and it is nice to not have to deal with nada's constant verbal abuse and manipulation... but it's also brought me to a point of grieving the relationship and realizing all the damage that nada did to my soul. Since NC, I've gotten in touch with feelings and memories that I had pushed down. I don't know how I managed to tolerate contact with her for all those years. > > Thanks for listening. I don't even know what my question is here...but would appreciate any feedback that others would have... > > Kate > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 21, 2009 Report Share Posted June 21, 2009 I am so sorry you have ugly experiences in connection with your nada. Those thoughts are so sad. Take back your birthday and celebrate the day for YOU. What could you do to make a perfec birthday for yourself? One of my dear friends threw her own birthday party when she became 40. She rented Mc's party room and invited friends. They had a blast. The managment was upset at first, then friend told them that she had NEVER had a birthday party before and by golly she was giving herself a party this year. The management got into the full swing and really went all out for friend. > > Yesterday was my birthday...the first one I've had while I've been NC with nada and n-sis. I think I've been going through a time of grieving the loss of those relationships(even though they were so sick and toxic) I didn't have the emotional energy to celebrate...and we're short of money right now after DH being out of work for so long... didn't do anything special to mark the day...my choice. > > Nada sent a package...which DH intercepted and put in his office at home, I haven't even looked at it. In one of our last conversations before NC she and I had agreed to stop exchanging gifts on holidays...DH has been out of work, and we're in financial survival mode. But of course she sent Christmas gifts. I let those sit until late February and finally opened them when I felt like I could deal with it. > > I didn't send her a mother's day card, so of course she has to show her moral superiority(and lack of respect for my wishes) by sending me a birthday gift and card. > > I know that I have no control over her choices, but I can choose how I respond. The box will just sit there until I decide what to do with it... > > The reason I'm writing this post is because I could use some help sorting out my feelings. I didn't feel like opening any of my other cards either, so they're still unopened. I also got some happy birthday phone calls that I just let go to voice mail. DH and I didn't do anything to celebrate either...partly my choice and partly because he's stressed and overwhelmed with his new job and long commute. I was relieved to wake up this morning and have the day be over with... > > My birthday has been a source of pain for me for many years. Nada often acted out aggressively on my birthday while I was growing up. The day was an odd combination of nada making a big to-do about it mixed with a nada meltdown of some type. Either she would collapse into tears or anger because the effort she put in wasn't appreciated, or it had all been too much for her...or she would go into rage mode and attack me verbally until she collapsed. The day would end up being all about nada in one way or another. This was a pattern on all of the holidays. Nada seemed to have some kind of inner compulsion that made her go all out on the holidays, but always let everyone know what an effort it was....always followed by a decompensation on the holiday itself where she either regressed into a weeping puddle on the floor in the fetal position or into full blown annihilating witch mode. > > As an adult, I've always struggled with birthday blues. I often feel very emotionally vulnerable on my birthday, and the day invariably ends with tears. I've worked on this in therapy, and journaled about it every year...and although there's been some improvement, I'm a long way from being healed. This year was the first one where I didn't talk to/see nada. > > I talked to DH last night, told him how I felt, cried for awhile. We were watching a Gilmore Girls episode...coincidentally about mother/daughter estrangement on the daughter's birthday. It brought up a lot of feelings for me. > > Those feelings and thoughts feel locked away this morning, though. I just feel blank and blah and very slowed down, very tired. > > I thought that NC would bring me freedom, and it is nice to not have to deal with nada's constant verbal abuse and manipulation... but it's also brought me to a point of grieving the relationship and realizing all the damage that nada did to my soul. Since NC, I've gotten in touch with feelings and memories that I had pushed down. I don't know how I managed to tolerate contact with her for all those years. > > Thanks for listening. I don't even know what my question is here...but would appreciate any feedback that others would have... > > Kate > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 21, 2009 Report Share Posted June 21, 2009 Kate, I too am sorry to hear you didn't get to enjoy your birthday free of your nada. I sympathize as well, my last birthday with my nada was terrible too. No flowers or cards, just attacking my boyfriend and then blaming him for her computer crashing the next day (and subsequently ruining her month and bringing her to ruins... she works at home on the computer... clearly he had no intention of doing this and he probably had nothing to do with it) Whatever the real motive for her behavior, she sure did get a lot of attention and isolate me and my boyfriend from the FOO. I am sorry too that you have to worry about the details of a simple card. I find myself worrying about all the minutea of my interactions with my nada too- and all of my FOO on her side, because of the poison spreading she does about me. I think every day it gets a tiny little bit easier, because I remind myself so often to just not take it personally (even though it is intended to be taken that way more often than not) and to remember all the other nice people in my life. If I can get through the day thinking only about my nada as much as I think about any one of the other nice people I know, then I think I am doing pretty good. And Abby, about the whole NC/LC thing - you are so right! Oh, I laughed/wanted to cry when I read what you wrote, it is so true. But even though it sucks at that point, at least when you start healing yourself you know that you are actually making progress. When trying to heal the nada (or just living with them closely in your life), there really wont be any healing, just surviving, and a lot of wasted time and energy. That said, I am still (only I know that I have officially made this decision) in LC with my nada. Depending on my own progress, we'll see how long it lasts. Again, Kate, I am sorry your birthday wasn't as wonderful as I am sure you deserve. Just keep in mind that you are healing, and that next year, you will be so much better at dealing with nada drama that a card will not even make you batt an eye. Your current tendency to think deeply about details with yoru nada may just be a left over survival strategy that at one point in your life helped keep you out of danger, but eventually, you won't be needing it anymore. Happy Birthday, and thanks for sharing. -Lara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 Thanks for sharing your birthday blues. I agree with Clynn that you deserve to feel loved and appreciated, but I also find your message helping me with my own healing process. I have had many AWFUL birthdays, and I just didn't connect it to my experiences with BP and the FOO until I read your post. It makes sense, that we as nons would have conflicted feelings about our birthdays. Sometimes, growing up, I was allowed to have a party with friends and it would be the one day of the year where I was treated like a normal child. My fada often tried to mark the occasion and make it special. although I don't have any direct memories right now of nada ruining the day, I certainly am sure something must have happened... (Probably nada would have feared abandoning me to friends or been jealous of fada's attention to me... I can't imagine she wasn't, but she did behave herself in front of the company usually)... because it has taken me years to be able to say to friends, hey my birthday is coming up, help me plan some way to celebrate. It's been a matter of connecting with good people who are my friends, and that alone is a big accomplishent on my part, that took several years of NC and T, to develop and nourish and be nourished by a good group of friends. I tend to isolate myself, and asking for what I need is particularly hard. But, these days, I actually have one or two birthdays that were really nice. Not spectacular, but special in simple ways. I used to feel such jealousy of people that I perceived were living these fabulous lives and had these huge momentous events they did on their birthdays, but I don't know if that's me. I like to mark the occasion with the people closest to me, and I guess that's okay. I guess after my background, the gift I appreciate most is true caring and true concern for my well-being and spirit. I wish this for you. Oh, and Happy Birthday! WAlking to Happiness. > > > > > > Yesterday was my birthday...the first one I've had while I've been NC with nada and n-sis. I think I've been going through a time of grieving the loss of those relationships( even though they were so sick and toxic) I didn't have the emotional energy to celebrate... and we're short of money right now after DH being out of work for so long... didn't do anything special to mark the day...my choice. > > > > > > Nada sent a package...which DH intercepted and put in his office at home, I haven't even looked at it. In one of our last conversations before NC she and I had agreed to stop exchanging gifts on holidays...DH has been out of work, and we're in financial survival mode. But of course she sent Christmas gifts. I let those sit until late February and finally opened them when I felt like I could deal with it. > > > > > > I didn't send her a mother's day card, so of course she has to show her moral superiority( and lack of respect for my wishes) by sending me a birthday gift and card. > > > > > > I know that I have no control over her choices, but I can choose how I respond. The box will just sit there until I decide what to do with it... > > > > > > The reason I'm writing this post is because I could use some help sorting out my feelings. I didn't feel like opening any of my other cards either, so they're still unopened. I also got some happy birthday phone calls that I just let go to voice mail. DH and I didn't do anything to celebrate either...partly my choice and partly because he's stressed and overwhelmed with his new job and long commute. I was relieved to wake up this morning and have the day be over with... > > > > > > My birthday has been a source of pain for me for many years. Nada often acted out aggressively on my birthday while I was growing up. The day was an odd combination of nada making a big to-do about it mixed with a nada meltdown of some type. Either she would collapse into tears or anger because the effort she put in wasn't appreciated, or it had all been too much for her...or she would go into rage mode and attack me verbally until she collapsed. The day would end up being all about nada in one way or another. This was a pattern on all of the holidays. Nada seemed to have some kind of inner compulsion that made her go all out on the holidays, but always let everyone know what an effort it was....always followed by a decompensation on the holiday itself where she either regressed into a weeping puddle on the floor in the fetal position or into full blown annihilating witch mode. > > > > > > As an adult, I've always struggled with birthday blues. I often feel very emotionally vulnerable on my birthday, and the day invariably ends with tears. I've worked on this in therapy, and journaled about it every year...and although there's been some improvement, I'm a long way from being healed. This year was the first one where I didn't talk to/see nada. > > > > > > I talked to DH last night, told him how I felt, cried for awhile. We were watching a Gilmore Girls episode...coinciden tally about mother/daughter estrangement on the daughter's birthday. It brought up a lot of feelings for me. > > > > > > Those feelings and thoughts feel locked away this morning, though. I just feel blank and blah and very slowed down, very tired. > > > > > > I thought that NC would bring me freedom, and it is nice to not have to deal with nada's constant verbal abuse and manipulation. .. but it's also brought me to a point of grieving the relationship and realizing all the damage that nada did to my soul. Since NC, I've gotten in touch with feelings and memories that I had pushed down. I don't know how I managed to tolerate contact with her for all those years. > > > > > > Thanks for listening. I don't even know what my question is here...but would appreciate any feedback that others would have... > > > > > > Kate > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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