Re: growing up is deceiving

[Guest guest]

Oh absolutely! I was obsessed with growing up as a child and I wasn't abused as

a child, I just wanted my own life. I counted down the days until I could get

my driver's license for like three years--don't exactly remember now. Growing

up has been a huge disappointment for me. I have struggled with health and

financial issues the entire time. I can't escape nada no matter how hard I try.

Things have definitely not turned out as I dreamed in any way. My own daughter

likes to talk about growing up and I keep saying, " Enjoy your days as a child. "

I am crying now, so I will stop.

le

>

> When I was little, I used to think I'd feel so old and mature when I was

> grown up. That I'd have all things figured out and I'd finally be free. I'd

> imagine how I'd do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and there would be

> no one there to stop me, tell me what to do, or make me do anything I

> didn't want to. But the secret nobody tells you is that grown ups don't

really

> have it all figured out and in so many ways, I'm still the little kid I was

> then. :o/

>

> Do any of you feel this way?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> > When I was little, I used to think I'd feel so old and mature when I was

> > grown up. That I'd have all things figured out and I'd finally be free. I'd

> > imagine how I'd do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and there would be

> > no one there to stop me, tell me what to do, or make me do anything I

> > didn't want to. But the secret nobody tells you is that grown ups don't

really

> > have it all figured out and in so many ways, I'm still the little kid I was

> > then. :o/

> >

> > Do any of you feel this way?

> >

> >

Boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, have you ever got that right.

All I ever wanted growing up was my freedom. Freedom to do as *I* liked, not to

have to go to school I didn't want to go to, or have to listen to someone else's

music or think someone else's thoughts, or handle my friendships the way THEY

wanted me to or else I was gonna get it!

Sad to say my life is so tangled up with problems that started way back then and

just snowballed and snowballed until there is absolutely no hope at all that I

will ever have the freedom I started out wanting. I can't change my

circumstances, but I also can't change myself such that I'm happy with the way

things are now, so where does that leave me?

When it was time for me to choose what to do with my life, I was too worried

about copping out on what I always said I'd do. I was afraid it would make me

look weak or like a " weenie. " I was afraid of being put down and yelled at, and

the FOO spending the rest of my life telling everybody they knew that " she could

have been an X but she decided to throw her life away instead. " In other words,

I was too worried about getting love from the FOO to make choices that would

have made me happy and not miserable years and years down the road. Now I can't

even TALK to the FOO, but the bad choices I made years and years ago are just

reaching up out of the grave to ruin my life today.

I finally know what I really want to do, but now I can't do it. There are too

many financial problems left over from the bad decisions I made then. I ended

up in a career I didn't do well in, and the lack of enough money to both pay

student loans AND have health insurance has meant thousands and thousands upon

thousands of dollars in bills I will never be able to pay back. If only I had

known...

I look at other people in my writer's group who are now in their sixties and

able to just work a little part time job and have the rest of their time to do

what they love, and I know that will never be me. I owe too much money, and

besides, social security will never be there for those of my generation...even

though we still have to pay into it.

It's just been more bad luck on top of more bad luck. When I got married, I

thought we'd have a chance to help each other achieve our dreams...writing.

But, his house sold at a loss due to the economy which meant, again, NO money.

So instead of writing, we're struggling and struggling to pay bills. If only we

had known...

After three years it finally looked like we were going to be able to both work

part time and both write. And of course, just when it looked like, just when it

looked like...my 86 year old great aunt asked us to be responsible for " taking

care of final arrangements " for her and her handicapped retarded daughter " when

the time came. " Does this sound familiar: I really didn't want to, but it

wasn't that much to ask, and they didn't have anybody else...

Turns out they don't have anybody else because they are both mentally and

emotionally ill and have exhausted everybody else in the family. Since I don't

know anyone or speak to anyone on that side of the family, there was no way to

know this ahead of time, and since I didn't know what bipolar behavior looks

like, there was no way to know what was ahead even though I was seeing it right

in front of me. So now my forties and probably my fifties and sixties, which I

so desperately needed to be about me, are now going to be all about them.

I finally have this idea for a novel that should have popular appeal and explain

BPD such that the average person can get it. That's all I want to do. And now,

unless I get some miracle straight from God, it will never happen, because I

can't get the time and the focus to work on it. I was begging God for a miracle

before this, and what did he give me? TWO mentally ill people to replace the

one I finally evicted from my life! And, like a complete moron, I FELL FOR IT

AGAIN. If only I had known...

What an idiot I am. What a complete, complete idiot. By the time I get this

situation over with, chances are there won't be much of my life left for me at

all. WHEN AM I EVER GOING TO GET RID OF THE INCULCATED IDIOCY FROM THE FOO SO I

STOP S-C-R-E-W-I-N-G UP MY LIFE???

Too, too late, I'm afraid. So, no, adulthood has been no picnic. No.

Sorry for the long-winded rant,

.

[Guest guest]

,

such a good point.

yes, i was just saying to my husband that I have struggled, when I am speaking

with someone in authority, with feeling " little " and unimportant.

with more awareness of my tendency to feel this way, i have gotten better, but

you articulated it so well...when I was little, the same, I thought I would be

serious in all things.

nope, inside i definitely don't feel my age yet, but i'm getting there. i doubt

i'll ever have " it " all figured out! LOL

>

> When I was little, I used to think I'd feel so old and mature when I was

> grown up. That I'd have all things figured out and I'd finally be free. I'd

> imagine how I'd do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and there would be

> no one there to stop me, tell me what to do, or make me do anything I

> didn't want to. But the secret nobody tells you is that grown ups don't

really

> have it all figured out and in so many ways, I'm still the little kid I was

> then. :o/

>

> Do any of you feel this way?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The same story with me...

I was madly happy when I started to live on my own( when I was 18) I thought

now it's finally over. But it was in fact the begging of coping with all my

past deamons (I even didn't realize they exist)........ I see it now how

damaged and fragile and " crazy " without any rooots and completly alone I was

at that time. Sometimes I wonder how I manage to surrvie. But I did. I have

good job, good friends, beutiful child now. But at 43 I still have a feeling

that I have to to learn some of the things I should learn them when I was a

child and I still have a deeep hole in me yearning to be filled with

parental love it never exist. When I was 14 I found out that I have nobody

who would love, teach or guided me in my life and I decided that I would be

my own parent, friend, teacher (with a lot of help from boooks) - but this

way is longer, heavier and with a lot of falls.....specialy if you have deep

untrust in others or problems with intimacy , authorities or.........

On other hand I feel lucky when I see (unhappy ) people around not nowing

what is wrong with them, what to do, depending on others....my life gave me

strenth, intuition and wisdom I would never have it if I would live in

" normal " famliy. I'm better in my profession because of that, better

parent, beter friend ...better me...:-) even I still have a lot to disover

and repair because of my past.

Yrenka

2010/4/30

>

>

> When I was little, I used to think I'd feel so old and mature when I was

> grown up. That I'd have all things figured out and I'd finally be free. I'd

>

> imagine how I'd do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and there would be

>

> no one there to stop me, tell me what to do, or make me do anything I

> didn't want to. But the secret nobody tells you is that grown ups don't

> really

> have it all figured out and in so many ways, I'm still the little kid I was

>

> then. :o/

>

> Do any of you feel this way?

>

>

>

>

>