Re: If everything means nothing then nothing means anyth...

[Guest guest]

Thanks Holly.

I think the place I had to come to is that there is that 'normal' parenting

is subjective, but healthy parenting is not. You can be a healthy parent

and do things differently than I do, of course, but I know FOR ME that my

choice to use positive and attachment parenting came from the things I lacked

in childhood and the fact that I wanted so much more for MY children so

that they would not feel like I did. The very thought of my children

experiencing even 5 minutes of what I did makes me cry. But any kind of

punitive

parenting (like standing in the corner, for instance) didn't feel good to

me. I know it's not abuse to stand your child in the corner and many parents

use it effectively, but it didn't feel good to me and when I went to bed

feeling like I wanted to wake my kids up and hug them and reassure them I

wasn't mad at them....I decided that was not the parenting style for me.

Positive parenting just fit for me and with my history of abuse, it erased my

feelings of doubt about what I was doing. I know it's not for everyone and

that there are parents who spank their kids and use punitive discipline and

their kids are not abused and turn out fine, but I think my own past made

that too hard for me to do.

I think I probably analyze parenting more than most people. Which can be

good or bad...lol.

I used to be a foster parent. Part of the requirement for that was to take

parenting classes and I learned SOOOOO much that they allowed my husband

and I to train and teach them to other foster parents for a few years. It

was a lot of fun, but honestly, I just go with my heart.

I want my kids to feel like individuals and be themselves and most of all,

just be happy.

In a message dated 4/13/2010 8:30:50 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

hollymichellebyers@... writes:

Good for you, ! That is AWESOME!

I won't be starting any families any time soon, but I've worried so much

about, what is normal parenting? and sounds like you're doing everything so

wonderfully, I don't doubt myself as much. I'm glad your kids are turning

out great--gives me hope that mine will be just fine! Thanks for sharing.

~Holly

On Tue, Apr 13, 2010 at 7:21 PM, <_Hummingbird1298@Humming_

(mailto:Hummingbird1298@...) > wrote:

>

>

>

> ,

>

> I think you're doing fine. Here is my opinion on parenting... I think

> it is, sorry!

>

> I just recently read a book on attachment parenting (which I already use,

> but the book looked good). It gave this idea that one way to bond with a

> child is to hold them and let them know they're special, they're loved,

> they

> were wanted, etc...Then you ask them what THEY want, need, etc...

>

> As an aside, anyone who knows me knows I am very affectionate with my

> kids. Not in a weird way, but I hug them and tell them I love them a lot

> because I never got that.

>

> So....I said what the book said to about how special they were and then

> asked them what they want/need...

>

> Well, I wish it had gone like the book said, but the truth is, my oldest

> son (he's 12) got mad at me and said, " I want you to move. I'm trying to

> watch TV. " My daughter (she's 9) started laughing and asked if I was

> serious, and my youngest son (he's 7) said, " I want something to drink.

Can

> I go

> play on the computer now? "

>

> I walked away and thought, well, they're either bonded well or completely

> detatched. LOLOL!

> Incidentally, all three of my kids have been to my therapist and she

said

> they were well adjusted. Whew.

>

> On the flip side, it truly made me think. As a child, more than toys,

more

> than money, more than a trip somewhere amazing, if someone had asked me

> what I wanted, I would have said, 'a mother.' Because the reality of it

is

> (and I think most people here agree) people who had bpd mothers really

had

> no

> mother at all...or would have been better off if they didn't have the

body

> of a person they called mother in the same room with them. Besides, they

> were too busy being waif/hermit versus queen/witch and sucking everyone

> around them into their black box of confusing emotions that ran from

> suicidality to being overbearing and manipulative and stepping on

everyone

> in their

> world to get what they wanted without regard for others feelings.

>

> I feel like I sound angry and bitter about my mother...and maybe I am,

but

> maybe I needed to be. I spent a lot of years defending her and in many

> other ways, I think I made excuses for her because she was 'sick.' I

don't

> ever want my kids to feel like I wasn't there for them, but there have

been

>

> times where I just haven't been. I may have been in the same room, but I

> wasn't there emotionally. I get angry with MYSELF for that even though I

am

> in

> therapy and want to overcome it and AM overcoming it. I have never denied

> I have issues and need help getting past them. I know in my heart that

I'm

> not a bad mother, but, you know, I also still worry that I am. Mostly

> because my mother would say I was doing it all wrong. That attachment

> parenting

> and no-spanking rules and allowing my kids to have opinions was bad. But

I

> do what my heart tells me to do and my heart tells me this feels right.

>

> My therapist tells me I am so 'in tune' with my kids. I know when they

> aren't eating like they should, if something is bothering them. I watch

> their

> sleeping patterns, what they draw, how they react. I know if there is a

the

>

> slightest change in anything and if there is, I question them. At the

same

> time, I have balance with it. I don't pressure them to tell me things,

but

> I make myself available to them. I just, basically, do the complete

> opposite of what was done to me. I also read a lot of attachment

parenting

> books

> and books on positive parenting. I read and search positive parenting

> techniques on the internet. I've gotten some great ideas. This method has

> been

> what fits for me.

>

> I was never allowed to have opinions or different ideas than my mother

(or

> any adult). I was an extension of whoever I was with,

> basically... basically...<WBR>especially my mother. If I felt differently

and

> (when I was much

> older as a teenager and adult because I didn't dare disagree with her as

a

> child), I was belittled, laughed at, and told I was stupid. You just

> believe

> that's true and don't question it. I can't go to 'that place' when I was

a

> child too much yet, but when I was older, I couldn't have opinions on

major

>

> issues like politics or religion that disagreed with my mother because

if I

>

> did, I was wrong. I was immoral. I was not in reality. But she was. She

> was moral. She was in reality. The rest of the world was in 'la-la

land.' I

>

> remember not long before she died that she was constantly reporting every

> rape, murder, and beating scene she saw on CNN. I asked her if we could

> talk

> about something more pleasant. I was sick of depressing CNN. She said

that

> I was never in touch with reality and I always wanted to pretend

> everything was rainbows and puff clouds. Ha!! Hardly, but that was what

she

> said.

>

> I take my children seriously if they have a problem. I don't belittle

them

> or tell them their problem isn't important or isn't a real problem -- as

> was told to me. I let them have their own opinions and ideas and

encourage

> them to be themselves.. them to be themselves..<WBR>..don't like spagh

> it because YOU like it and if you don't, that's perfectly okay! If you

want

>

> to play soccer, play soccer. If you want to cheer, cheer. If you want to

be

>

> in art classes, do art. Tell me. Talk to me. Tell me what YOU want and

> what makes you happy (and as seen above, I definitely get told off lol).

If

> it

> is within reason and within my power to do let you do what you want, then

> that's what we'll do. We don't do things in extremes, but we have

> balance....and in this family we actually laugh....A LOT!!!

>

> So....I can look at the few examples I have here...ignoring my mother's

> neglect, her rages, her tantrums, her psychosis, her depression, her

phobic

>

> panic attacks, her suicidal gestures, her refusal to get psychological

help

>

> because she wasn't sick....it was everyone else...and I wonder how in

> heaven's name I had any sanity at all in order to BE a parent. I read the

> stories of people in this group and I think apparently the offspring of

> borderlines learned one thing....how to survive and how to be good

parents.

>

>

>

> In a message dated 4/13/2010 5:39:47 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> _coyotesun1@earthlincoyot_ (mailto:coyotesun1@...)

<coyotesun1%coyotesun1%coy> writes:

>

> Thank , for you compassion,

> It's funny, I am going through a horrible time with grief; some days I am

> okay,

> some days I am breaking down, like today...and I took my son to his dad's

> so that

> I would not over-react to something he does/doesn't do, etc. Because I

> want to

> protect his feelings. Not saying I am so great; but it seems natural. But

> then many

> people just don't think past themselves.. people just don't think pas

> themselves..<WBR>

> fear that I will hurt my son so I am always feeling bad (I don't mean

hurt

> him physically

> I mean by not doing 'the right thing'), even when he was a baby I would

> lay in bed at night

> and feel guilt for not doing this or that. I know it is directly related

> to my childhood.

> **sigh**

> thanks again,

> ~patricia

> Re: If everything means nothing then nothing

> means anything

>

> thanks ,

>

> my nada is very self centered, that's the queen in her..she's also a

> witch,

> and everything was my fault, so probably one of the reasons I didn't tell

> her at the time when it happed...I knew she'd blame me...or just not

> believe

> me...that's when I turn inside myself..realizing I was the only one who'd

> protect me..

>

> Jackie

>

> Hi Jackie,

> What you describe about how you changed during the time you were in

> KY is so messed up; your nada didn't even ask you what was up. I am so

> in touch with my son, even when he is just quiet I ask him. I probably

> over do it because I was so ignored as a child.

> Sorry..for those bad times you went through,

> ~patricia

>

> ------------ ---- ---- -

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> __BPDCentral (DOT) __@B__BPDCentral (DOT) _Li_

(mailto:_@...) <_%40BPDCentral_Lis>)

> _

> (mailto:__BPDCentral (DOT) _Li_ (mailto:_@...)

<_%40BPDCentral_Lis>_ (mailto:

> _@..._ (mailto:@...)

<%40BPDCentral.Lis>) ) . SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT

> CONCERN

> YOU; DO

> NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to �Understanding the

> Borderline

> Mother� (Lawson) and �Surviving the Borderline Parent,� (Roth) which

you

> can

> find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

> and the SWOE Workbook.Yahoo! Groups Links

>

> ------------ ---- ---- ---- ---- ----

>

> No virus found in this incoming message.

> Checked by AVG - www.avg.com

> Version: 9.0.801 / Virus Database: 271.1.1/2808 - Release Date: 04/13/10

> 02:32:00

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

> ------------ ---- ---- -

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> __BPDCentral (DOT) _Li_ (mailto:_@...)

<_%40BPDCentral_Lis>_ (mailto:_@..._

(mailto:@...)

<%40BPDCentral.Lis>)

> . SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO

> NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to �Understanding the

> Borderline

> Mother� (Lawson) and �Surviving the Borderline Parent,� (Roth) which

you

> can

> find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

> and the SWOE Workbook.