Re: A weekly (ha!) sort of update

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/25/00 9:34:23 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

lorihannon@... writes:

> (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the depression

> thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't post

Hi Lori

Thank you for the letter. It made me look real hard at myself and I called my

therapist and went more to cry on her shoulder than any thing. I've had the

worst month. My aunt died, buried her and the next day my sister died Labor

Day weekend. It never hit me hard because I held it all in. My DH and I went

on vacation last week and had a good time but we got the worst cold I've ever

had. I was in bed all week He was in his chair and my daughter was trying to

work thru it. Sunday morn my cat was killed by a car and we buried her. At

this time I was OK with the cold but it sent me into a depression By Sunday

afternoon my daughter was in the hospital with her flu and I broke down and

couldn't stop crying. When I turned on the computer Mon. morn I had over 1000

e-mails some digests. So I only went back a couple of days. I stopped when I

read your letter then I went to talk to Ruth. Then she called my Phych. he

called in for a temp. medicine and I'll see him Thurs. and Ruth again Mon.

some times I can't do it all alone. Even thou I have my husband I think I was

keeping a front so he would not worry about me. Today I feel like 1/2 a ton

has lifted now I can get rid of the rest in time.

NORMA

267/184/119

RNY12/9/99 DR,s Brig. Woman's

Hernia-2 TT DR. Randall 2001 ?

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/25/00 9:34:23 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

lorihannon@... writes:

> (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the depression

> thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't post

Hi Lori

Thank you for the letter. It made me look real hard at myself and I called my

therapist and went more to cry on her shoulder than any thing. I've had the

worst month. My aunt died, buried her and the next day my sister died Labor

Day weekend. It never hit me hard because I held it all in. My DH and I went

on vacation last week and had a good time but we got the worst cold I've ever

had. I was in bed all week He was in his chair and my daughter was trying to

work thru it. Sunday morn my cat was killed by a car and we buried her. At

this time I was OK with the cold but it sent me into a depression By Sunday

afternoon my daughter was in the hospital with her flu and I broke down and

couldn't stop crying. When I turned on the computer Mon. morn I had over 1000

e-mails some digests. So I only went back a couple of days. I stopped when I

read your letter then I went to talk to Ruth. Then she called my Phych. he

called in for a temp. medicine and I'll see him Thurs. and Ruth again Mon.

some times I can't do it all alone. Even thou I have my husband I think I was

keeping a front so he would not worry about me. Today I feel like 1/2 a ton

has lifted now I can get rid of the rest in time.

NORMA

267/184/119

RNY12/9/99 DR,s Brig. Woman's

Hernia-2 TT DR. Randall 2001 ?

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/25/00 9:34:23 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

lorihannon@... writes:

> (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the depression

> thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't post

Hi Lori

Thank you for the letter. It made me look real hard at myself and I called my

therapist and went more to cry on her shoulder than any thing. I've had the

worst month. My aunt died, buried her and the next day my sister died Labor

Day weekend. It never hit me hard because I held it all in. My DH and I went

on vacation last week and had a good time but we got the worst cold I've ever

had. I was in bed all week He was in his chair and my daughter was trying to

work thru it. Sunday morn my cat was killed by a car and we buried her. At

this time I was OK with the cold but it sent me into a depression By Sunday

afternoon my daughter was in the hospital with her flu and I broke down and

couldn't stop crying. When I turned on the computer Mon. morn I had over 1000

e-mails some digests. So I only went back a couple of days. I stopped when I

read your letter then I went to talk to Ruth. Then she called my Phych. he

called in for a temp. medicine and I'll see him Thurs. and Ruth again Mon.

some times I can't do it all alone. Even thou I have my husband I think I was

keeping a front so he would not worry about me. Today I feel like 1/2 a ton

has lifted now I can get rid of the rest in time.

NORMA

267/184/119

RNY12/9/99 DR,s Brig. Woman's

Hernia-2 TT DR. Randall 2001 ?

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/25/00 11:08:32 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

valiantduffy@... writes:

> . I hope

> it made you feel at least a little better.

> Pam

Pam I know this email was to Lori but I am reading 1 day at a time and I am

going backwards from there. Backwards that's me. I haven't gone into all of

the back ones

yet but if you got the ball rolling about the depression I want to thank you.

It got me back into therapy and I'll be talking to her for a long time. I

need her again not just for the people loss but the weight loss. I don't know

how to get off this plateau. You and Lyssa and Dawn were the first people

that I was lurking and learning from last year. Now it is the same people

plus all the others that I have read I will keep my spirits up now. and get

out and walk if it does not rain.

NORMA

267/184/119

RNY12/9/99 DR,s Brig. Woman's

Hernia-2 TT DR. Randall 2001 ?

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/25/00 11:08:32 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

valiantduffy@... writes:

> . I hope

> it made you feel at least a little better.

> Pam

Pam I know this email was to Lori but I am reading 1 day at a time and I am

going backwards from there. Backwards that's me. I haven't gone into all of

the back ones

yet but if you got the ball rolling about the depression I want to thank you.

It got me back into therapy and I'll be talking to her for a long time. I

need her again not just for the people loss but the weight loss. I don't know

how to get off this plateau. You and Lyssa and Dawn were the first people

that I was lurking and learning from last year. Now it is the same people

plus all the others that I have read I will keep my spirits up now. and get

out and walk if it does not rain.

NORMA

267/184/119

RNY12/9/99 DR,s Brig. Woman's

Hernia-2 TT DR. Randall 2001 ?

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/25/00 11:08:32 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

valiantduffy@... writes:

> . I hope

> it made you feel at least a little better.

> Pam

Pam I know this email was to Lori but I am reading 1 day at a time and I am

going backwards from there. Backwards that's me. I haven't gone into all of

the back ones

yet but if you got the ball rolling about the depression I want to thank you.

It got me back into therapy and I'll be talking to her for a long time. I

need her again not just for the people loss but the weight loss. I don't know

how to get off this plateau. You and Lyssa and Dawn were the first people

that I was lurking and learning from last year. Now it is the same people

plus all the others that I have read I will keep my spirits up now. and get

out and walk if it does not rain.

NORMA

267/184/119

RNY12/9/99 DR,s Brig. Woman's

Hernia-2 TT DR. Randall 2001 ?

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/26/00 11:29:10 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

huggybuggy@... writes:

> I wish you all the luck, and if you ever need to get out, talk, have me

> listen, I'm just a phone call away, and right up the road!

>

> Hugs to you sweetie!

>

> Love ya!

> Dawn

Thank you Dawn I have your number posted right on the desk here and I will

call soon.

NORMA

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/26/00 11:29:10 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

huggybuggy@... writes:

> I wish you all the luck, and if you ever need to get out, talk, have me

> listen, I'm just a phone call away, and right up the road!

>

> Hugs to you sweetie!

>

> Love ya!

> Dawn

Thank you Dawn I have your number posted right on the desk here and I will

call soon.

NORMA

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/26/00 11:29:10 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

huggybuggy@... writes:

> I wish you all the luck, and if you ever need to get out, talk, have me

> listen, I'm just a phone call away, and right up the road!

>

> Hugs to you sweetie!

>

> Love ya!

> Dawn

Thank you Dawn I have your number posted right on the desk here and I will

call soon.

NORMA

[Guest guest]

Hey Barb,

Nope, you're not alone, trust me! I'm glad things are looking up for you,

sounds like you're headed in the right direction.

Now, my question is...how on earth did you ever get your husband to cook

too? My fiancé does the food shopping (I HATE food shopping, but LOVE

clothes shopping, and poking around), but I do the cooking. He has cooked a

few times since we're together, and all comes out great (well, except one

time he thought he had to coat Filet Mignon with Steak Seasoning!), other

than that, not bad at all. Any words of wisdom to let him cook more often,

would be greatly appreciated!

Sounds like you have a very supportive family, I'm very happy for you.

Congrats on dropping a size, and feeling confident while seeing the scale!

30+ lbs. in less than 4 weeks is a great beginning towards your new life!

Yipee!

Dawn

A weekly (ha!) sort of update

>

>

> (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the

depression

> thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't

post

> often, but when I do, LOOK OUT!)

>

> Hi, it's me, Lori (loripete), back with a much improved server.

Conor (4 yr

> old) isn't happy about me cutting in on his computer time, but now

that the

> pc is connected to the web again, he's enjoying PBSkids, etc., so

it's

> better for everyone. We bought the webtv so that I could do email

while

> Conor played on the pc an hour or so a day. But webtv truly

sucks. Hubby

> took a great severance package & now that he's been home for a

couple weeks

> is learning first hand how truly sucky it is. And THAT, my dear

friends, is

> how we wound up with broadband. So, it's still me, just a new

address.

>

> I, for one, am very glad that this whole depression thing is coming

out in

> the open. On the meds thread: After years (10?) of being on

> antidepressants, I gave them up several months ago. I've had one

pretty

> major depressive episode since, and believe that going back on

might be the

> answer for me, but I'm holding out for a while, for reasons I'm not

entirely

> sure about. I've been in counselling for something over 10 years,

on and

> off, and recently decided to give myself a break from that as

well. LYSSA:

> with my last counsellor, Conor came with me every single time. It

was part

> of the arrangement. So, I had him there with me from the time he

was 18 mos

> until 4 yrs old. In a very short time he developed some kind of

respect (?)

> for session time, understanding that this was some kind of " quiet

time " ,

> during which he thoroughly enjoyed himself with toys, drawings, and

snacks.

> It worked very well. I think Conor is better for it. My shrink also

> specialized in early childhood education, so I got a lot of advice

when I

> asked for it. Personally, I may need to return to counselling. It

would

> involve getting a new shrink, though, and I'm telling myself I need

someone

> who's worked with WLS patients.....ha! Like I'll ever find someone

like

> that! Alas, I've had great shrinks and piss-poor shrinks. You'll

know

> right away. I appreciate you being honest with your post. As much

as I

> enjoy hearing all the positives from the people I care about on

this list,

> it's very comforting when I read that someone else is feeling

lousy. I know

> that sounds horrible, but it's just good to know that even Lyssa

feels

> screwy sometimes, you know? I hope you're not taking this the wrong

> way!?????

>

> This morning I had very weird physical goings-on. I got up, had my

usual

> big glass of water and pills. Went out to walk....only walked a

mile, as

> I've been lousy about walking lately & am starting slow. I did not

over tax

> myself by any means. Came back home. About 15 mins later, fixed

myself a

> cup of coffee & sat down here at the computer to read mail. As I

was

> reading, I started experiencing what may have been gassy pains in

the upper

> abdomen, radiating up my back; starting mild and then becoming

somewhat

> severe; difficult to breathe through. Couldn't get into a comfy

position,

> tried to make myself walk around, but just could deal. Laid down,

which

> didn't improve things. Over the course of 90 minutes or so, the

pain (which

> was intermittent, for the most part) subsided & now I'm feeling

relatively

> normal. Relatively, because I've felt physically " off " for several

weeks

> now. Mentally " off " as well, but I've never exactly been

mentally " right

> on " to begin with (LOL). Pete was researching the web for me after

things

> started dying down. I'm worried about gall bladder, even though

everything

> we've read says that pain " usually " is associated with food & I

hadn't eaten

> anything ('cept my normal pills) since the evening before. I had

exactly

> one sip of the coffee before I started getting uncomfortable, so it

wasn't

> that. Pain was middle to right upper ab, sometimes directly under

my

> breastbone, radiating through my back. Intermittent, fairly

severe. I

> suppose I need to call Thayer's office Monday. At the least,

assuming I

> don't experience it again, I imagine at my 1 yr post-op appt (in

November)

> he'll order an ultrasound or something. I'm feeling pretty pissed

about the

> incident, though, perhaps more pissed than worried. I've been

feeling off

> for so long now, and gb trouble is all I need. Now I'm afraid to

eat! And

> we're having dinner guests tonight...should be fun.

>

> My carbs have been out of control. All I want to eat is

crackers/bread &

> cheese. I'm trying to get back into a daily exercise routine. I

was having

> problems with an ankle for several weeks, but I can't use that as

an excuse

> anymore. I was down from 421 to 263 the other day, then the scale

bounced

> up to 267, which freaked me out (damnable pms, I suspect), and now

about

> 265. After 10 months as a post op, only now being at the weight of

a lot of

> preops, seems to be affecting me for the worse. I have a lot

farther to go.

> Especially since I have so much loose, saggy skin now & it's only

downhill

> from here, so to speak. Visited Avenue & Lane last night.

While I

> was thrilled to be fitting into 22/24s and even purchasing 3 tops

(even the

> petite pants are too long for me now....ugh!!!!!!!!), looking at my

body in

> those mirrors depressed the hell out of me. Apron, upper thighs (I

don't

> even know WHAT is up with that!!!), boobs, middle abdomen (where

scar

> is...not the scar itself, but the belly around it) ... it's all

looking

> pretty nasty. Under my chin....GAWD, I'm so sick of looking in the

mirror

> and seeing that flapping around. I feel guilty for feeling so

vain. I've

> lost close to 160 pounds & I'm fretting over the cosmetic effects of

> weightloss. I want to slap myself!

>

> Maybe my most recent bout of depression has to do with this: I've

spent my

> entire life feeling worthless and ugly. Entire life. After the

weightloss

> becomes noticeable, a certain " high " comes with the compliments &

the

> clothes getting loose. I'm still getting compliments & I have

exactly one

> pair of pants (jeans) that fit properly, but the high has worn off

perhaps?

> I've found new ways to feel worthless and ugly (because that's

really all I

> know how to feel?) and I can't use food to dull those feelings.

Well, I CAN

> use food to dull them and I AM using food to dull them, but not to

the

> extent I could allow myself to do prior to surgery, and I want to!

Well...

> now that I've brought down the whole room ...

>

> Anyway, the " roll call " thread is what originally prompted this very

> long-winded post. I tend not to post at all when I'm feeling like

crap,

> preferring to wait until I've lifted myself out of it. But what

the hell,

> I'll join the bandwagon! I don't post often, but read daily.

Usually,

> there's nothing more I can add to a thread that hasn't already been

said.

> I'm not one for " good job " , or " thank you " mini-posts, preferring

to do that

> privately. So, I hope you'll indulge me my infrequent " tombs " of

> correspondence. I'm not in a good place right now. My baby

started school,

> 5 afternoons a week. I don't know how to spend time in ways other

than

> mothering. My synapses probably aren't working well & I need to

consider

> not only getting a new meds-shrink, but also a new shrinky-shrink &

I just

> don't have the energy right now. This is where I am & the primary

reason I

> don't post often.

>

> I am tremendously grateful for the surgery. The surgery did not

cause me to

> feel this way. The surgery is the best thing I've ever done for

myself &

> I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Even if I never lost another pound

and

> weigh 265 for the rest of my life.

>

> Please enjoy the weekend, folks, right now it's beautiful outside &

I'm

> going to force myself to step out and play with my boys. I'm

trying to

> count my blessings this weekend, but it's hard sometimes, isn't

it? I

> SOOOOO wish there was an easy answer for this & that, as many of

you have

> said, my surgeon could have fixed my brain as well.

>

> I think I'll go for a little goal today....drinking lots of water.

Anyone

> want to join me? So far, it's 12:52 and I've only had one giant

glass and

> two cups of joe.

>

> Tootles,

> Lori, in Salem NH

> RNY 11/8/99

> 421/265/??????????????????

> Thayer, NWH

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Barb,

Nope, you're not alone, trust me! I'm glad things are looking up for you,

sounds like you're headed in the right direction.

Now, my question is...how on earth did you ever get your husband to cook

too? My fiancé does the food shopping (I HATE food shopping, but LOVE

clothes shopping, and poking around), but I do the cooking. He has cooked a

few times since we're together, and all comes out great (well, except one

time he thought he had to coat Filet Mignon with Steak Seasoning!), other

than that, not bad at all. Any words of wisdom to let him cook more often,

would be greatly appreciated!

Sounds like you have a very supportive family, I'm very happy for you.

Congrats on dropping a size, and feeling confident while seeing the scale!

30+ lbs. in less than 4 weeks is a great beginning towards your new life!

Yipee!

Dawn

A weekly (ha!) sort of update

>

>

> (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the

depression

> thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't

post

> often, but when I do, LOOK OUT!)

>

> Hi, it's me, Lori (loripete), back with a much improved server.

Conor (4 yr

> old) isn't happy about me cutting in on his computer time, but now

that the

> pc is connected to the web again, he's enjoying PBSkids, etc., so

it's

> better for everyone. We bought the webtv so that I could do email

while

> Conor played on the pc an hour or so a day. But webtv truly

sucks. Hubby

> took a great severance package & now that he's been home for a

couple weeks

> is learning first hand how truly sucky it is. And THAT, my dear

friends, is

> how we wound up with broadband. So, it's still me, just a new

address.

>

> I, for one, am very glad that this whole depression thing is coming

out in

> the open. On the meds thread: After years (10?) of being on

> antidepressants, I gave them up several months ago. I've had one

pretty

> major depressive episode since, and believe that going back on

might be the

> answer for me, but I'm holding out for a while, for reasons I'm not

entirely

> sure about. I've been in counselling for something over 10 years,

on and

> off, and recently decided to give myself a break from that as

well. LYSSA:

> with my last counsellor, Conor came with me every single time. It

was part

> of the arrangement. So, I had him there with me from the time he

was 18 mos

> until 4 yrs old. In a very short time he developed some kind of

respect (?)

> for session time, understanding that this was some kind of " quiet

time " ,

> during which he thoroughly enjoyed himself with toys, drawings, and

snacks.

> It worked very well. I think Conor is better for it. My shrink also

> specialized in early childhood education, so I got a lot of advice

when I

> asked for it. Personally, I may need to return to counselling. It

would

> involve getting a new shrink, though, and I'm telling myself I need

someone

> who's worked with WLS patients.....ha! Like I'll ever find someone

like

> that! Alas, I've had great shrinks and piss-poor shrinks. You'll

know

> right away. I appreciate you being honest with your post. As much

as I

> enjoy hearing all the positives from the people I care about on

this list,

> it's very comforting when I read that someone else is feeling

lousy. I know

> that sounds horrible, but it's just good to know that even Lyssa

feels

> screwy sometimes, you know? I hope you're not taking this the wrong

> way!?????

>

> This morning I had very weird physical goings-on. I got up, had my

usual

> big glass of water and pills. Went out to walk....only walked a

mile, as

> I've been lousy about walking lately & am starting slow. I did not

over tax

> myself by any means. Came back home. About 15 mins later, fixed

myself a

> cup of coffee & sat down here at the computer to read mail. As I

was

> reading, I started experiencing what may have been gassy pains in

the upper

> abdomen, radiating up my back; starting mild and then becoming

somewhat

> severe; difficult to breathe through. Couldn't get into a comfy

position,

> tried to make myself walk around, but just could deal. Laid down,

which

> didn't improve things. Over the course of 90 minutes or so, the

pain (which

> was intermittent, for the most part) subsided & now I'm feeling

relatively

> normal. Relatively, because I've felt physically " off " for several

weeks

> now. Mentally " off " as well, but I've never exactly been

mentally " right

> on " to begin with (LOL). Pete was researching the web for me after

things

> started dying down. I'm worried about gall bladder, even though

everything

> we've read says that pain " usually " is associated with food & I

hadn't eaten

> anything ('cept my normal pills) since the evening before. I had

exactly

> one sip of the coffee before I started getting uncomfortable, so it

wasn't

> that. Pain was middle to right upper ab, sometimes directly under

my

> breastbone, radiating through my back. Intermittent, fairly

severe. I

> suppose I need to call Thayer's office Monday. At the least,

assuming I

> don't experience it again, I imagine at my 1 yr post-op appt (in

November)

> he'll order an ultrasound or something. I'm feeling pretty pissed

about the

> incident, though, perhaps more pissed than worried. I've been

feeling off

> for so long now, and gb trouble is all I need. Now I'm afraid to

eat! And

> we're having dinner guests tonight...should be fun.

>

> My carbs have been out of control. All I want to eat is

crackers/bread &

> cheese. I'm trying to get back into a daily exercise routine. I

was having

> problems with an ankle for several weeks, but I can't use that as

an excuse

> anymore. I was down from 421 to 263 the other day, then the scale

bounced

> up to 267, which freaked me out (damnable pms, I suspect), and now

about

> 265. After 10 months as a post op, only now being at the weight of

a lot of

> preops, seems to be affecting me for the worse. I have a lot

farther to go.

> Especially since I have so much loose, saggy skin now & it's only

downhill

> from here, so to speak. Visited Avenue & Lane last night.

While I

> was thrilled to be fitting into 22/24s and even purchasing 3 tops

(even the

> petite pants are too long for me now....ugh!!!!!!!!), looking at my

body in

> those mirrors depressed the hell out of me. Apron, upper thighs (I

don't

> even know WHAT is up with that!!!), boobs, middle abdomen (where

scar

> is...not the scar itself, but the belly around it) ... it's all

looking

> pretty nasty. Under my chin....GAWD, I'm so sick of looking in the

mirror

> and seeing that flapping around. I feel guilty for feeling so

vain. I've

> lost close to 160 pounds & I'm fretting over the cosmetic effects of

> weightloss. I want to slap myself!

>

> Maybe my most recent bout of depression has to do with this: I've

spent my

> entire life feeling worthless and ugly. Entire life. After the

weightloss

> becomes noticeable, a certain " high " comes with the compliments &

the

> clothes getting loose. I'm still getting compliments & I have

exactly one

> pair of pants (jeans) that fit properly, but the high has worn off

perhaps?

> I've found new ways to feel worthless and ugly (because that's

really all I

> know how to feel?) and I can't use food to dull those feelings.

Well, I CAN

> use food to dull them and I AM using food to dull them, but not to

the

> extent I could allow myself to do prior to surgery, and I want to!

Well...

> now that I've brought down the whole room ...

>

> Anyway, the " roll call " thread is what originally prompted this very

> long-winded post. I tend not to post at all when I'm feeling like

crap,

> preferring to wait until I've lifted myself out of it. But what

the hell,

> I'll join the bandwagon! I don't post often, but read daily.

Usually,

> there's nothing more I can add to a thread that hasn't already been

said.

> I'm not one for " good job " , or " thank you " mini-posts, preferring

to do that

> privately. So, I hope you'll indulge me my infrequent " tombs " of

> correspondence. I'm not in a good place right now. My baby

started school,

> 5 afternoons a week. I don't know how to spend time in ways other

than

> mothering. My synapses probably aren't working well & I need to

consider

> not only getting a new meds-shrink, but also a new shrinky-shrink &

I just

> don't have the energy right now. This is where I am & the primary

reason I

> don't post often.

>

> I am tremendously grateful for the surgery. The surgery did not

cause me to

> feel this way. The surgery is the best thing I've ever done for

myself &

> I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Even if I never lost another pound

and

> weigh 265 for the rest of my life.

>

> Please enjoy the weekend, folks, right now it's beautiful outside &

I'm

> going to force myself to step out and play with my boys. I'm

trying to

> count my blessings this weekend, but it's hard sometimes, isn't

it? I

> SOOOOO wish there was an easy answer for this & that, as many of

you have

> said, my surgeon could have fixed my brain as well.

>

> I think I'll go for a little goal today....drinking lots of water.

Anyone

> want to join me? So far, it's 12:52 and I've only had one giant

glass and

> two cups of joe.

>

> Tootles,

> Lori, in Salem NH

> RNY 11/8/99

> 421/265/??????????????????

> Thayer, NWH

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Barb,

Nope, you're not alone, trust me! I'm glad things are looking up for you,

sounds like you're headed in the right direction.

Now, my question is...how on earth did you ever get your husband to cook

too? My fiancé does the food shopping (I HATE food shopping, but LOVE

clothes shopping, and poking around), but I do the cooking. He has cooked a

few times since we're together, and all comes out great (well, except one

time he thought he had to coat Filet Mignon with Steak Seasoning!), other

than that, not bad at all. Any words of wisdom to let him cook more often,

would be greatly appreciated!

Sounds like you have a very supportive family, I'm very happy for you.

Congrats on dropping a size, and feeling confident while seeing the scale!

30+ lbs. in less than 4 weeks is a great beginning towards your new life!

Yipee!

Dawn

A weekly (ha!) sort of update

>

>

> (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the

depression

> thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't

post

> often, but when I do, LOOK OUT!)

>

> Hi, it's me, Lori (loripete), back with a much improved server.

Conor (4 yr

> old) isn't happy about me cutting in on his computer time, but now

that the

> pc is connected to the web again, he's enjoying PBSkids, etc., so

it's

> better for everyone. We bought the webtv so that I could do email

while

> Conor played on the pc an hour or so a day. But webtv truly

sucks. Hubby

> took a great severance package & now that he's been home for a

couple weeks

> is learning first hand how truly sucky it is. And THAT, my dear

friends, is

> how we wound up with broadband. So, it's still me, just a new

address.

>

> I, for one, am very glad that this whole depression thing is coming

out in

> the open. On the meds thread: After years (10?) of being on

> antidepressants, I gave them up several months ago. I've had one

pretty

> major depressive episode since, and believe that going back on

might be the

> answer for me, but I'm holding out for a while, for reasons I'm not

entirely

> sure about. I've been in counselling for something over 10 years,

on and

> off, and recently decided to give myself a break from that as

well. LYSSA:

> with my last counsellor, Conor came with me every single time. It

was part

> of the arrangement. So, I had him there with me from the time he

was 18 mos

> until 4 yrs old. In a very short time he developed some kind of

respect (?)

> for session time, understanding that this was some kind of " quiet

time " ,

> during which he thoroughly enjoyed himself with toys, drawings, and

snacks.

> It worked very well. I think Conor is better for it. My shrink also

> specialized in early childhood education, so I got a lot of advice

when I

> asked for it. Personally, I may need to return to counselling. It

would

> involve getting a new shrink, though, and I'm telling myself I need

someone

> who's worked with WLS patients.....ha! Like I'll ever find someone

like

> that! Alas, I've had great shrinks and piss-poor shrinks. You'll

know

> right away. I appreciate you being honest with your post. As much

as I

> enjoy hearing all the positives from the people I care about on

this list,

> it's very comforting when I read that someone else is feeling

lousy. I know

> that sounds horrible, but it's just good to know that even Lyssa

feels

> screwy sometimes, you know? I hope you're not taking this the wrong

> way!?????

>

> This morning I had very weird physical goings-on. I got up, had my

usual

> big glass of water and pills. Went out to walk....only walked a

mile, as

> I've been lousy about walking lately & am starting slow. I did not

over tax

> myself by any means. Came back home. About 15 mins later, fixed

myself a

> cup of coffee & sat down here at the computer to read mail. As I

was

> reading, I started experiencing what may have been gassy pains in

the upper

> abdomen, radiating up my back; starting mild and then becoming

somewhat

> severe; difficult to breathe through. Couldn't get into a comfy

position,

> tried to make myself walk around, but just could deal. Laid down,

which

> didn't improve things. Over the course of 90 minutes or so, the

pain (which

> was intermittent, for the most part) subsided & now I'm feeling

relatively

> normal. Relatively, because I've felt physically " off " for several

weeks

> now. Mentally " off " as well, but I've never exactly been

mentally " right

> on " to begin with (LOL). Pete was researching the web for me after

things

> started dying down. I'm worried about gall bladder, even though

everything

> we've read says that pain " usually " is associated with food & I

hadn't eaten

> anything ('cept my normal pills) since the evening before. I had

exactly

> one sip of the coffee before I started getting uncomfortable, so it

wasn't

> that. Pain was middle to right upper ab, sometimes directly under

my

> breastbone, radiating through my back. Intermittent, fairly

severe. I

> suppose I need to call Thayer's office Monday. At the least,

assuming I

> don't experience it again, I imagine at my 1 yr post-op appt (in

November)

> he'll order an ultrasound or something. I'm feeling pretty pissed

about the

> incident, though, perhaps more pissed than worried. I've been

feeling off

> for so long now, and gb trouble is all I need. Now I'm afraid to

eat! And

> we're having dinner guests tonight...should be fun.

>

> My carbs have been out of control. All I want to eat is

crackers/bread &

> cheese. I'm trying to get back into a daily exercise routine. I

was having

> problems with an ankle for several weeks, but I can't use that as

an excuse

> anymore. I was down from 421 to 263 the other day, then the scale

bounced

> up to 267, which freaked me out (damnable pms, I suspect), and now

about

> 265. After 10 months as a post op, only now being at the weight of

a lot of

> preops, seems to be affecting me for the worse. I have a lot

farther to go.

> Especially since I have so much loose, saggy skin now & it's only

downhill

> from here, so to speak. Visited Avenue & Lane last night.

While I

> was thrilled to be fitting into 22/24s and even purchasing 3 tops

(even the

> petite pants are too long for me now....ugh!!!!!!!!), looking at my

body in

> those mirrors depressed the hell out of me. Apron, upper thighs (I

don't

> even know WHAT is up with that!!!), boobs, middle abdomen (where

scar

> is...not the scar itself, but the belly around it) ... it's all

looking

> pretty nasty. Under my chin....GAWD, I'm so sick of looking in the

mirror

> and seeing that flapping around. I feel guilty for feeling so

vain. I've

> lost close to 160 pounds & I'm fretting over the cosmetic effects of

> weightloss. I want to slap myself!

>

> Maybe my most recent bout of depression has to do with this: I've

spent my

> entire life feeling worthless and ugly. Entire life. After the

weightloss

> becomes noticeable, a certain " high " comes with the compliments &

the

> clothes getting loose. I'm still getting compliments & I have

exactly one

> pair of pants (jeans) that fit properly, but the high has worn off

perhaps?

> I've found new ways to feel worthless and ugly (because that's

really all I

> know how to feel?) and I can't use food to dull those feelings.

Well, I CAN

> use food to dull them and I AM using food to dull them, but not to

the

> extent I could allow myself to do prior to surgery, and I want to!

Well...

> now that I've brought down the whole room ...

>

> Anyway, the " roll call " thread is what originally prompted this very

> long-winded post. I tend not to post at all when I'm feeling like

crap,

> preferring to wait until I've lifted myself out of it. But what

the hell,

> I'll join the bandwagon! I don't post often, but read daily.

Usually,

> there's nothing more I can add to a thread that hasn't already been

said.

> I'm not one for " good job " , or " thank you " mini-posts, preferring

to do that

> privately. So, I hope you'll indulge me my infrequent " tombs " of

> correspondence. I'm not in a good place right now. My baby

started school,

> 5 afternoons a week. I don't know how to spend time in ways other

than

> mothering. My synapses probably aren't working well & I need to

consider

> not only getting a new meds-shrink, but also a new shrinky-shrink &

I just

> don't have the energy right now. This is where I am & the primary

reason I

> don't post often.

>

> I am tremendously grateful for the surgery. The surgery did not

cause me to

> feel this way. The surgery is the best thing I've ever done for

myself &

> I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Even if I never lost another pound

and

> weigh 265 for the rest of my life.

>

> Please enjoy the weekend, folks, right now it's beautiful outside &

I'm

> going to force myself to step out and play with my boys. I'm

trying to

> count my blessings this weekend, but it's hard sometimes, isn't

it? I

> SOOOOO wish there was an easy answer for this & that, as many of

you have

> said, my surgeon could have fixed my brain as well.

>

> I think I'll go for a little goal today....drinking lots of water.

Anyone

> want to join me? So far, it's 12:52 and I've only had one giant

glass and

> two cups of joe.

>

> Tootles,

> Lori, in Salem NH

> RNY 11/8/99

> 421/265/??????????????????

> Thayer, NWH

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Norma honey,

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through.

I'm glad you took the step in calling your therapist by reading Lori's

letter, and realizing there could be problems some people are unaware of,

until they read other peoples post's. It's a tough thing to think of

yourself, when everything else is going on around you. Eventually times and

troubles take a toll on people, some overcome it fairly quickly, others

don't. I'm glad for your sake you had the opportunity to speak with your

Therapist, and that she's working with your psych to help you get over this

hump.

I wish you all the luck, and if you ever need to get out, talk, have me

listen, I'm just a phone call away, and right up the road!

Hugs to you sweetie!

Love ya!

Dawn

Re: A weekly (ha!) sort of update

In a message dated 9/25/00 9:34:23 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

lorihannon@... writes:

> (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the

depression

> thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't post

Hi Lori

Thank you for the letter. It made me look real hard at myself and I called

my

therapist and went more to cry on her shoulder than any thing. I've had the

worst month. My aunt died, buried her and the next day my sister died Labor

Day weekend. It never hit me hard because I held it all in. My DH and I went

on vacation last week and had a good time but we got the worst cold I've

ever

had. I was in bed all week He was in his chair and my daughter was trying to

work thru it. Sunday morn my cat was killed by a car and we buried her. At

this time I was OK with the cold but it sent me into a depression By Sunday

afternoon my daughter was in the hospital with her flu and I broke down and

couldn't stop crying. When I turned on the computer Mon. morn I had over

1000

e-mails some digests. So I only went back a couple of days. I stopped when I

read your letter then I went to talk to Ruth. Then she called my Phych. he

called in for a temp. medicine and I'll see him Thurs. and Ruth again Mon.

some times I can't do it all alone. Even thou I have my husband I think I

was

keeping a front so he would not worry about me. Today I feel like 1/2 a ton

has lifted now I can get rid of the rest in time.

NORMA

267/184/119

RNY12/9/99 DR,s Brig. Woman's

Hernia-2 TT DR. Randall 2001 ?

[Guest guest]

Norma honey,

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through.

I'm glad you took the step in calling your therapist by reading Lori's

letter, and realizing there could be problems some people are unaware of,

until they read other peoples post's. It's a tough thing to think of

yourself, when everything else is going on around you. Eventually times and

troubles take a toll on people, some overcome it fairly quickly, others

don't. I'm glad for your sake you had the opportunity to speak with your

Therapist, and that she's working with your psych to help you get over this

hump.

I wish you all the luck, and if you ever need to get out, talk, have me

listen, I'm just a phone call away, and right up the road!

Hugs to you sweetie!

Love ya!

Dawn

Re: A weekly (ha!) sort of update

In a message dated 9/25/00 9:34:23 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

lorihannon@... writes:

> (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the

depression

> thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't post

Hi Lori

Thank you for the letter. It made me look real hard at myself and I called

my

therapist and went more to cry on her shoulder than any thing. I've had the

worst month. My aunt died, buried her and the next day my sister died Labor

Day weekend. It never hit me hard because I held it all in. My DH and I went

on vacation last week and had a good time but we got the worst cold I've

ever

had. I was in bed all week He was in his chair and my daughter was trying to

work thru it. Sunday morn my cat was killed by a car and we buried her. At

this time I was OK with the cold but it sent me into a depression By Sunday

afternoon my daughter was in the hospital with her flu and I broke down and

couldn't stop crying. When I turned on the computer Mon. morn I had over

1000

e-mails some digests. So I only went back a couple of days. I stopped when I

read your letter then I went to talk to Ruth. Then she called my Phych. he

called in for a temp. medicine and I'll see him Thurs. and Ruth again Mon.

some times I can't do it all alone. Even thou I have my husband I think I

was

keeping a front so he would not worry about me. Today I feel like 1/2 a ton

has lifted now I can get rid of the rest in time.

NORMA

267/184/119

RNY12/9/99 DR,s Brig. Woman's

Hernia-2 TT DR. Randall 2001 ?

[Guest guest]

Norma honey,

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through.

I'm glad you took the step in calling your therapist by reading Lori's

letter, and realizing there could be problems some people are unaware of,

until they read other peoples post's. It's a tough thing to think of

yourself, when everything else is going on around you. Eventually times and

troubles take a toll on people, some overcome it fairly quickly, others

don't. I'm glad for your sake you had the opportunity to speak with your

Therapist, and that she's working with your psych to help you get over this

hump.

I wish you all the luck, and if you ever need to get out, talk, have me

listen, I'm just a phone call away, and right up the road!

Hugs to you sweetie!

Love ya!

Dawn

Re: A weekly (ha!) sort of update

In a message dated 9/25/00 9:34:23 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

lorihannon@... writes:

> (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the

depression

> thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't post

Hi Lori

Thank you for the letter. It made me look real hard at myself and I called

my

therapist and went more to cry on her shoulder than any thing. I've had the

worst month. My aunt died, buried her and the next day my sister died Labor

Day weekend. It never hit me hard because I held it all in. My DH and I went

on vacation last week and had a good time but we got the worst cold I've

ever

had. I was in bed all week He was in his chair and my daughter was trying to

work thru it. Sunday morn my cat was killed by a car and we buried her. At

this time I was OK with the cold but it sent me into a depression By Sunday

afternoon my daughter was in the hospital with her flu and I broke down and

couldn't stop crying. When I turned on the computer Mon. morn I had over

1000

e-mails some digests. So I only went back a couple of days. I stopped when I

read your letter then I went to talk to Ruth. Then she called my Phych. he

called in for a temp. medicine and I'll see him Thurs. and Ruth again Mon.

some times I can't do it all alone. Even thou I have my husband I think I

was

keeping a front so he would not worry about me. Today I feel like 1/2 a ton

has lifted now I can get rid of the rest in time.

NORMA

267/184/119

RNY12/9/99 DR,s Brig. Woman's

Hernia-2 TT DR. Randall 2001 ?

[Guest guest]

My husband started cooking while I was in the hospital, besides the

kids were yelling " We're hungry! " lol. He got out my cookbook and has

been cooking away. My motherinlaw asked me why I wasn't cooking ( I

was out of the hospital 2 days) and I told her if I can't eat it, I'm

not cooking it haha! Barb:)

> > Hi Lori! Glad to hear from you sweetie!

> >

> > Congrats on Broadband too!

> >

> > I really and truly believe that most of us are suffering more than

> we're

> > posting. I'm not saying that the entire list is miserable, but I

> do find a

> > personal connection lately. I have been getting ideas on things,

> and

> > figured out there seems to be a trend happening here. It looks to

> me, like

> > people that are approx 6-12 mos. post op have been feeling very

> similar in

> > ways. Others that are newly post ops, (about 4-10 weeks), have

> suffered the

> > " OH MY GOD, what have I done depression " stage, wondering if their

> decisions

> > were right or not. Then we have the people or are pre-op, who

> we're scaring

> > the crap out of, and I DON'T want anyone to feel like this is some

> sort of a

> > vicious cycle happening, but I do feel like if we're noticing it,

> like I

> > have been, maybe there is something we could do to help overcome

all

> > this?!?! It's " funny " (not really), that many of us that have

> suffered from

> > obesity, have also been to counseling, hospitalized for

depression,

> and some

> > on various med's. I HONESTLY don't think that all of it is

related

> to being

> > overweight, but feel as if lots of us, have chosen to hide behind

> our

> > weight. My counselor for instance, said that now that I'm losing

> weight, I

> > am more confident, less shy in crowds, yet, I freak out at people

> who give

> > me dirty looks. I was NEVER like that, but now, my confidence has

> done a

> > job on me I think. She claims that now that the weight is

> uplifting, that

> > there is no more shell to hide behind. Makes sense to me! The

> question is,

> > how do we learn to cope as a person who is overweight, especially

> knowing

> > what we've gone through to help us lose weight? It's tough, as

> much as I'd

> > love to have all of us get together sometime, wearing T-shirts

> saying " We

> > have lost " X " amount, ask us how " , that's not reality. Many

people

> judge

> > people from the outside, but I find that mostly everyone on this

> list has

> > the same thing to say. " I don't judge people from their looks,

> etc. " ...Do

> > you think that if we didn't suffer this disease that we'd be the

> same, or

> > opposite? I believe strongly in my heart, that a person is who

> they are,

> > not what they look like. I had a friend for instance, who was

born

> missing

> > an arm, we were so close throughout high school, and people would

> often say

> > snide remarks about it. Pissed me right the F*** off! Now, if I

> was

> > smaller of average size, would I have said that? Most definitely

> YES!

> > Then..why can't we be so outspoken now, and feel like we did prior

> to

> > surgery with the hiding behind our walls? I DON'T know, but it's

> > aggravating the crap outta me!

> >

> > Also, why do we say " I am going to exercise today " , then not do

> it? We

> > should be right? After all, we have done a remarkable thing by

> choosing

> > this as a final resort on life. Why doesn't the " mind " overcome

> the " other

> > mind " ?

> >

> > Lori, I'm so sorry to go off track, just starting typing, and my

> damn

> > fingers kept on truckin'!

> >

> > May I ask why you stopped your med's? Was it because you felt no

> need any

> > longer, or thought " Now that I've lost weight, I can overcome

> anything " ?

> > The reason I ask this, is, I stopped my med's 2 days prior to

> surgery, then

> > WHAM, I was out of control. I should have known better than to

> jump the

> > gun, but I made a mistake (I'm blonde...duh) ...If you're still

> feeling

> > bummed out at times, please, take a few minutes to share with

us. I

> > personally feel by sharing, is helping myself help to understand

> various

> > things. This is a list that is personal, even though we're on the

> Net. I

> > know myself for one, never share this info with anyone unless

> they're on the

> > list, just doesn't feel right to talk about people ya know?

> >

> > If you ever want to go walking somewhere in the Salem area, let me

> know. I

> > think we could both use something rewarding to achieve goals as

> friends!

> >

> > Hang in there sweetie!

> >

> > Dawn

> >

> > A weekly (ha!) sort of update

> >

> >

> > (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the

> depression

> > thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't

> post

> > often, but when I do, LOOK OUT!)

> >

> > Hi, it's me, Lori (loripete), back with a much improved server.

> Conor (4 yr

> > old) isn't happy about me cutting in on his computer time, but now

> that the

> > pc is connected to the web again, he's enjoying PBSkids, etc., so

> it's

> > better for everyone. We bought the webtv so that I could do email

> while

> > Conor played on the pc an hour or so a day. But webtv truly

> sucks. Hubby

> > took a great severance package & now that he's been home for a

> couple weeks

> > is learning first hand how truly sucky it is. And THAT, my dear

> friends, is

> > how we wound up with broadband. So, it's still me, just a new

> address.

> >

> > I, for one, am very glad that this whole depression thing is

coming

> out in

> > the open. On the meds thread: After years (10?) of being on

> > antidepressants, I gave them up several months ago. I've had one

> pretty

> > major depressive episode since, and believe that going back on

> might be the

> > answer for me, but I'm holding out for a while, for reasons I'm

not

> entirely

> > sure about. I've been in counselling for something over 10 years,

> on and

> > off, and recently decided to give myself a break from that as

> well. LYSSA:

> > with my last counsellor, Conor came with me every single time. It

> was part

> > of the arrangement. So, I had him there with me from the time he

> was 18 mos

> > until 4 yrs old. In a very short time he developed some kind of

> respect (?)

> > for session time, understanding that this was some kind of " quiet

> time " ,

> > during which he thoroughly enjoyed himself with toys, drawings,

and

> snacks.

> > It worked very well. I think Conor is better for it. My shrink

also

> > specialized in early childhood education, so I got a lot of advice

> when I

> > asked for it. Personally, I may need to return to counselling.

It

> would

> > involve getting a new shrink, though, and I'm telling myself I

need

> someone

> > who's worked with WLS patients.....ha! Like I'll ever find

someone

> like

> > that! Alas, I've had great shrinks and piss-poor shrinks. You'll

> know

> > right away. I appreciate you being honest with your post. As

much

> as I

> > enjoy hearing all the positives from the people I care about on

> this list,

> > it's very comforting when I read that someone else is feeling

> lousy. I know

> > that sounds horrible, but it's just good to know that even Lyssa

> feels

> > screwy sometimes, you know? I hope you're not taking this the

wrong

> > way!?????

> >

> > This morning I had very weird physical goings-on. I got up, had

my

> usual

> > big glass of water and pills. Went out to walk....only walked a

> mile, as

> > I've been lousy about walking lately & am starting slow. I did

not

> over tax

> > myself by any means. Came back home. About 15 mins later, fixed

> myself a

> > cup of coffee & sat down here at the computer to read mail. As I

> was

> > reading, I started experiencing what may have been gassy pains in

> the upper

> > abdomen, radiating up my back; starting mild and then becoming

> somewhat

> > severe; difficult to breathe through. Couldn't get into a comfy

> position,

> > tried to make myself walk around, but just could deal. Laid down,

> which

> > didn't improve things. Over the course of 90 minutes or so, the

> pain (which

> > was intermittent, for the most part) subsided & now I'm feeling

> relatively

> > normal. Relatively, because I've felt physically " off " for

several

> weeks

> > now. Mentally " off " as well, but I've never exactly been

> mentally " right

> > on " to begin with (LOL). Pete was researching the web for me

after

> things

> > started dying down. I'm worried about gall bladder, even though

> everything

> > we've read says that pain " usually " is associated with food & I

> hadn't eaten

> > anything ('cept my normal pills) since the evening before. I had

> exactly

> > one sip of the coffee before I started getting uncomfortable, so

it

> wasn't

> > that. Pain was middle to right upper ab, sometimes directly under

> my

> > breastbone, radiating through my back. Intermittent, fairly

> severe. I

> > suppose I need to call Thayer's office Monday. At the least,

> assuming I

> > don't experience it again, I imagine at my 1 yr post-op appt (in

> November)

> > he'll order an ultrasound or something. I'm feeling pretty pissed

> about the

> > incident, though, perhaps more pissed than worried. I've been

> feeling off

> > for so long now, and gb trouble is all I need. Now I'm afraid to

> eat! And

> > we're having dinner guests tonight...should be fun.

> >

> > My carbs have been out of control. All I want to eat is

> crackers/bread &

> > cheese. I'm trying to get back into a daily exercise routine. I

> was having

> > problems with an ankle for several weeks, but I can't use that as

> an excuse

> > anymore. I was down from 421 to 263 the other day, then the scale

> bounced

> > up to 267, which freaked me out (damnable pms, I suspect), and now

> about

> > 265. After 10 months as a post op, only now being at the weight

of

> a lot of

> > preops, seems to be affecting me for the worse. I have a lot

> farther to go.

> > Especially since I have so much loose, saggy skin now & it's only

> downhill

> > from here, so to speak. Visited Avenue & Lane last night.

> While I

> > was thrilled to be fitting into 22/24s and even purchasing 3 tops

> (even the

> > petite pants are too long for me now....ugh!!!!!!!!), looking at

my

> body in

> > those mirrors depressed the hell out of me. Apron, upper thighs

(I

> don't

> > even know WHAT is up with that!!!), boobs, middle abdomen (where

> scar

> > is...not the scar itself, but the belly around it) ... it's all

> looking

> > pretty nasty. Under my chin....GAWD, I'm so sick of looking in

the

> mirror

> > and seeing that flapping around. I feel guilty for feeling so

> vain. I've

> > lost close to 160 pounds & I'm fretting over the cosmetic effects

of

> > weightloss. I want to slap myself!

> >

> > Maybe my most recent bout of depression has to do with this: I've

> spent my

> > entire life feeling worthless and ugly. Entire life. After the

> weightloss

> > becomes noticeable, a certain " high " comes with the compliments &

> the

> > clothes getting loose. I'm still getting compliments & I have

> exactly one

> > pair of pants (jeans) that fit properly, but the high has worn off

> perhaps?

> > I've found new ways to feel worthless and ugly (because that's

> really all I

> > know how to feel?) and I can't use food to dull those feelings.

> Well, I CAN

> > use food to dull them and I AM using food to dull them, but not to

> the

> > extent I could allow myself to do prior to surgery, and I want to!

> Well...

> > now that I've brought down the whole room ...

> >

> > Anyway, the " roll call " thread is what originally prompted this

very

> > long-winded post. I tend not to post at all when I'm feeling like

> crap,

> > preferring to wait until I've lifted myself out of it. But what

> the hell,

> > I'll join the bandwagon! I don't post often, but read daily.

> Usually,

> > there's nothing more I can add to a thread that hasn't already

been

> said.

> > I'm not one for " good job " , or " thank you " mini-posts, preferring

> to do that

> > privately. So, I hope you'll indulge me my infrequent " tombs " of

> > correspondence. I'm not in a good place right now. My baby

> started school,

> > 5 afternoons a week. I don't know how to spend time in ways other

> than

> > mothering. My synapses probably aren't working well & I need to

> consider

> > not only getting a new meds-shrink, but also a new shrinky-shrink

&

> I just

> > don't have the energy right now. This is where I am & the primary

> reason I

> > don't post often.

> >

> > I am tremendously grateful for the surgery. The surgery did not

> cause me to

> > feel this way. The surgery is the best thing I've ever done for

> myself &

> > I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Even if I never lost another

pound

> and

> > weigh 265 for the rest of my life.

> >

> > Please enjoy the weekend, folks, right now it's beautiful outside

&

> I'm

> > going to force myself to step out and play with my boys. I'm

> trying to

> > count my blessings this weekend, but it's hard sometimes, isn't

> it? I

> > SOOOOO wish there was an easy answer for this & that, as many of

> you have

> > said, my surgeon could have fixed my brain as well.

> >

> > I think I'll go for a little goal today....drinking lots of water.

> Anyone

> > want to join me? So far, it's 12:52 and I've only had one giant

> glass and

> > two cups of joe.

> >

> > Tootles,

> > Lori, in Salem NH

> > RNY 11/8/99

> > 421/265/??????????????????

> > Thayer, NWH

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

My husband started cooking while I was in the hospital, besides the

kids were yelling " We're hungry! " lol. He got out my cookbook and has

been cooking away. My motherinlaw asked me why I wasn't cooking ( I

was out of the hospital 2 days) and I told her if I can't eat it, I'm

not cooking it haha! Barb:)

> > Hi Lori! Glad to hear from you sweetie!

> >

> > Congrats on Broadband too!

> >

> > I really and truly believe that most of us are suffering more than

> we're

> > posting. I'm not saying that the entire list is miserable, but I

> do find a

> > personal connection lately. I have been getting ideas on things,

> and

> > figured out there seems to be a trend happening here. It looks to

> me, like

> > people that are approx 6-12 mos. post op have been feeling very

> similar in

> > ways. Others that are newly post ops, (about 4-10 weeks), have

> suffered the

> > " OH MY GOD, what have I done depression " stage, wondering if their

> decisions

> > were right or not. Then we have the people or are pre-op, who

> we're scaring

> > the crap out of, and I DON'T want anyone to feel like this is some

> sort of a

> > vicious cycle happening, but I do feel like if we're noticing it,

> like I

> > have been, maybe there is something we could do to help overcome

all

> > this?!?! It's " funny " (not really), that many of us that have

> suffered from

> > obesity, have also been to counseling, hospitalized for

depression,

> and some

> > on various med's. I HONESTLY don't think that all of it is

related

> to being

> > overweight, but feel as if lots of us, have chosen to hide behind

> our

> > weight. My counselor for instance, said that now that I'm losing

> weight, I

> > am more confident, less shy in crowds, yet, I freak out at people

> who give

> > me dirty looks. I was NEVER like that, but now, my confidence has

> done a

> > job on me I think. She claims that now that the weight is

> uplifting, that

> > there is no more shell to hide behind. Makes sense to me! The

> question is,

> > how do we learn to cope as a person who is overweight, especially

> knowing

> > what we've gone through to help us lose weight? It's tough, as

> much as I'd

> > love to have all of us get together sometime, wearing T-shirts

> saying " We

> > have lost " X " amount, ask us how " , that's not reality. Many

people

> judge

> > people from the outside, but I find that mostly everyone on this

> list has

> > the same thing to say. " I don't judge people from their looks,

> etc. " ...Do

> > you think that if we didn't suffer this disease that we'd be the

> same, or

> > opposite? I believe strongly in my heart, that a person is who

> they are,

> > not what they look like. I had a friend for instance, who was

born

> missing

> > an arm, we were so close throughout high school, and people would

> often say

> > snide remarks about it. Pissed me right the F*** off! Now, if I

> was

> > smaller of average size, would I have said that? Most definitely

> YES!

> > Then..why can't we be so outspoken now, and feel like we did prior

> to

> > surgery with the hiding behind our walls? I DON'T know, but it's

> > aggravating the crap outta me!

> >

> > Also, why do we say " I am going to exercise today " , then not do

> it? We

> > should be right? After all, we have done a remarkable thing by

> choosing

> > this as a final resort on life. Why doesn't the " mind " overcome

> the " other

> > mind " ?

> >

> > Lori, I'm so sorry to go off track, just starting typing, and my

> damn

> > fingers kept on truckin'!

> >

> > May I ask why you stopped your med's? Was it because you felt no

> need any

> > longer, or thought " Now that I've lost weight, I can overcome

> anything " ?

> > The reason I ask this, is, I stopped my med's 2 days prior to

> surgery, then

> > WHAM, I was out of control. I should have known better than to

> jump the

> > gun, but I made a mistake (I'm blonde...duh) ...If you're still

> feeling

> > bummed out at times, please, take a few minutes to share with

us. I

> > personally feel by sharing, is helping myself help to understand

> various

> > things. This is a list that is personal, even though we're on the

> Net. I

> > know myself for one, never share this info with anyone unless

> they're on the

> > list, just doesn't feel right to talk about people ya know?

> >

> > If you ever want to go walking somewhere in the Salem area, let me

> know. I

> > think we could both use something rewarding to achieve goals as

> friends!

> >

> > Hang in there sweetie!

> >

> > Dawn

> >

> > A weekly (ha!) sort of update

> >

> >

> > (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the

> depression

> > thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't

> post

> > often, but when I do, LOOK OUT!)

> >

> > Hi, it's me, Lori (loripete), back with a much improved server.

> Conor (4 yr

> > old) isn't happy about me cutting in on his computer time, but now

> that the

> > pc is connected to the web again, he's enjoying PBSkids, etc., so

> it's

> > better for everyone. We bought the webtv so that I could do email

> while

> > Conor played on the pc an hour or so a day. But webtv truly

> sucks. Hubby

> > took a great severance package & now that he's been home for a

> couple weeks

> > is learning first hand how truly sucky it is. And THAT, my dear

> friends, is

> > how we wound up with broadband. So, it's still me, just a new

> address.

> >

> > I, for one, am very glad that this whole depression thing is

coming

> out in

> > the open. On the meds thread: After years (10?) of being on

> > antidepressants, I gave them up several months ago. I've had one

> pretty

> > major depressive episode since, and believe that going back on

> might be the

> > answer for me, but I'm holding out for a while, for reasons I'm

not

> entirely

> > sure about. I've been in counselling for something over 10 years,

> on and

> > off, and recently decided to give myself a break from that as

> well. LYSSA:

> > with my last counsellor, Conor came with me every single time. It

> was part

> > of the arrangement. So, I had him there with me from the time he

> was 18 mos

> > until 4 yrs old. In a very short time he developed some kind of

> respect (?)

> > for session time, understanding that this was some kind of " quiet

> time " ,

> > during which he thoroughly enjoyed himself with toys, drawings,

and

> snacks.

> > It worked very well. I think Conor is better for it. My shrink

also

> > specialized in early childhood education, so I got a lot of advice

> when I

> > asked for it. Personally, I may need to return to counselling.

It

> would

> > involve getting a new shrink, though, and I'm telling myself I

need

> someone

> > who's worked with WLS patients.....ha! Like I'll ever find

someone

> like

> > that! Alas, I've had great shrinks and piss-poor shrinks. You'll

> know

> > right away. I appreciate you being honest with your post. As

much

> as I

> > enjoy hearing all the positives from the people I care about on

> this list,

> > it's very comforting when I read that someone else is feeling

> lousy. I know

> > that sounds horrible, but it's just good to know that even Lyssa

> feels

> > screwy sometimes, you know? I hope you're not taking this the

wrong

> > way!?????

> >

> > This morning I had very weird physical goings-on. I got up, had

my

> usual

> > big glass of water and pills. Went out to walk....only walked a

> mile, as

> > I've been lousy about walking lately & am starting slow. I did

not

> over tax

> > myself by any means. Came back home. About 15 mins later, fixed

> myself a

> > cup of coffee & sat down here at the computer to read mail. As I

> was

> > reading, I started experiencing what may have been gassy pains in

> the upper

> > abdomen, radiating up my back; starting mild and then becoming

> somewhat

> > severe; difficult to breathe through. Couldn't get into a comfy

> position,

> > tried to make myself walk around, but just could deal. Laid down,

> which

> > didn't improve things. Over the course of 90 minutes or so, the

> pain (which

> > was intermittent, for the most part) subsided & now I'm feeling

> relatively

> > normal. Relatively, because I've felt physically " off " for

several

> weeks

> > now. Mentally " off " as well, but I've never exactly been

> mentally " right

> > on " to begin with (LOL). Pete was researching the web for me

after

> things

> > started dying down. I'm worried about gall bladder, even though

> everything

> > we've read says that pain " usually " is associated with food & I

> hadn't eaten

> > anything ('cept my normal pills) since the evening before. I had

> exactly

> > one sip of the coffee before I started getting uncomfortable, so

it

> wasn't

> > that. Pain was middle to right upper ab, sometimes directly under

> my

> > breastbone, radiating through my back. Intermittent, fairly

> severe. I

> > suppose I need to call Thayer's office Monday. At the least,

> assuming I

> > don't experience it again, I imagine at my 1 yr post-op appt (in

> November)

> > he'll order an ultrasound or something. I'm feeling pretty pissed

> about the

> > incident, though, perhaps more pissed than worried. I've been

> feeling off

> > for so long now, and gb trouble is all I need. Now I'm afraid to

> eat! And

> > we're having dinner guests tonight...should be fun.

> >

> > My carbs have been out of control. All I want to eat is

> crackers/bread &

> > cheese. I'm trying to get back into a daily exercise routine. I

> was having

> > problems with an ankle for several weeks, but I can't use that as

> an excuse

> > anymore. I was down from 421 to 263 the other day, then the scale

> bounced

> > up to 267, which freaked me out (damnable pms, I suspect), and now

> about

> > 265. After 10 months as a post op, only now being at the weight

of

> a lot of

> > preops, seems to be affecting me for the worse. I have a lot

> farther to go.

> > Especially since I have so much loose, saggy skin now & it's only

> downhill

> > from here, so to speak. Visited Avenue & Lane last night.

> While I

> > was thrilled to be fitting into 22/24s and even purchasing 3 tops

> (even the

> > petite pants are too long for me now....ugh!!!!!!!!), looking at

my

> body in

> > those mirrors depressed the hell out of me. Apron, upper thighs

(I

> don't

> > even know WHAT is up with that!!!), boobs, middle abdomen (where

> scar

> > is...not the scar itself, but the belly around it) ... it's all

> looking

> > pretty nasty. Under my chin....GAWD, I'm so sick of looking in

the

> mirror

> > and seeing that flapping around. I feel guilty for feeling so

> vain. I've

> > lost close to 160 pounds & I'm fretting over the cosmetic effects

of

> > weightloss. I want to slap myself!

> >

> > Maybe my most recent bout of depression has to do with this: I've

> spent my

> > entire life feeling worthless and ugly. Entire life. After the

> weightloss

> > becomes noticeable, a certain " high " comes with the compliments &

> the

> > clothes getting loose. I'm still getting compliments & I have

> exactly one

> > pair of pants (jeans) that fit properly, but the high has worn off

> perhaps?

> > I've found new ways to feel worthless and ugly (because that's

> really all I

> > know how to feel?) and I can't use food to dull those feelings.

> Well, I CAN

> > use food to dull them and I AM using food to dull them, but not to

> the

> > extent I could allow myself to do prior to surgery, and I want to!

> Well...

> > now that I've brought down the whole room ...

> >

> > Anyway, the " roll call " thread is what originally prompted this

very

> > long-winded post. I tend not to post at all when I'm feeling like

> crap,

> > preferring to wait until I've lifted myself out of it. But what

> the hell,

> > I'll join the bandwagon! I don't post often, but read daily.

> Usually,

> > there's nothing more I can add to a thread that hasn't already

been

> said.

> > I'm not one for " good job " , or " thank you " mini-posts, preferring

> to do that

> > privately. So, I hope you'll indulge me my infrequent " tombs " of

> > correspondence. I'm not in a good place right now. My baby

> started school,

> > 5 afternoons a week. I don't know how to spend time in ways other

> than

> > mothering. My synapses probably aren't working well & I need to

> consider

> > not only getting a new meds-shrink, but also a new shrinky-shrink

&

> I just

> > don't have the energy right now. This is where I am & the primary

> reason I

> > don't post often.

> >

> > I am tremendously grateful for the surgery. The surgery did not

> cause me to

> > feel this way. The surgery is the best thing I've ever done for

> myself &

> > I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Even if I never lost another

pound

> and

> > weigh 265 for the rest of my life.

> >

> > Please enjoy the weekend, folks, right now it's beautiful outside

&

> I'm

> > going to force myself to step out and play with my boys. I'm

> trying to

> > count my blessings this weekend, but it's hard sometimes, isn't

> it? I

> > SOOOOO wish there was an easy answer for this & that, as many of

> you have

> > said, my surgeon could have fixed my brain as well.

> >

> > I think I'll go for a little goal today....drinking lots of water.

> Anyone

> > want to join me? So far, it's 12:52 and I've only had one giant

> glass and

> > two cups of joe.

> >

> > Tootles,

> > Lori, in Salem NH

> > RNY 11/8/99

> > 421/265/??????????????????

> > Thayer, NWH

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

My husband started cooking while I was in the hospital, besides the

kids were yelling " We're hungry! " lol. He got out my cookbook and has

been cooking away. My motherinlaw asked me why I wasn't cooking ( I

was out of the hospital 2 days) and I told her if I can't eat it, I'm

not cooking it haha! Barb:)

> > Hi Lori! Glad to hear from you sweetie!

> >

> > Congrats on Broadband too!

> >

> > I really and truly believe that most of us are suffering more than

> we're

> > posting. I'm not saying that the entire list is miserable, but I

> do find a

> > personal connection lately. I have been getting ideas on things,

> and

> > figured out there seems to be a trend happening here. It looks to

> me, like

> > people that are approx 6-12 mos. post op have been feeling very

> similar in

> > ways. Others that are newly post ops, (about 4-10 weeks), have

> suffered the

> > " OH MY GOD, what have I done depression " stage, wondering if their

> decisions

> > were right or not. Then we have the people or are pre-op, who

> we're scaring

> > the crap out of, and I DON'T want anyone to feel like this is some

> sort of a

> > vicious cycle happening, but I do feel like if we're noticing it,

> like I

> > have been, maybe there is something we could do to help overcome

all

> > this?!?! It's " funny " (not really), that many of us that have

> suffered from

> > obesity, have also been to counseling, hospitalized for

depression,

> and some

> > on various med's. I HONESTLY don't think that all of it is

related

> to being

> > overweight, but feel as if lots of us, have chosen to hide behind

> our

> > weight. My counselor for instance, said that now that I'm losing

> weight, I

> > am more confident, less shy in crowds, yet, I freak out at people

> who give

> > me dirty looks. I was NEVER like that, but now, my confidence has

> done a

> > job on me I think. She claims that now that the weight is

> uplifting, that

> > there is no more shell to hide behind. Makes sense to me! The

> question is,

> > how do we learn to cope as a person who is overweight, especially

> knowing

> > what we've gone through to help us lose weight? It's tough, as

> much as I'd

> > love to have all of us get together sometime, wearing T-shirts

> saying " We

> > have lost " X " amount, ask us how " , that's not reality. Many

people

> judge

> > people from the outside, but I find that mostly everyone on this

> list has

> > the same thing to say. " I don't judge people from their looks,

> etc. " ...Do

> > you think that if we didn't suffer this disease that we'd be the

> same, or

> > opposite? I believe strongly in my heart, that a person is who

> they are,

> > not what they look like. I had a friend for instance, who was

born

> missing

> > an arm, we were so close throughout high school, and people would

> often say

> > snide remarks about it. Pissed me right the F*** off! Now, if I

> was

> > smaller of average size, would I have said that? Most definitely

> YES!

> > Then..why can't we be so outspoken now, and feel like we did prior

> to

> > surgery with the hiding behind our walls? I DON'T know, but it's

> > aggravating the crap outta me!

> >

> > Also, why do we say " I am going to exercise today " , then not do

> it? We

> > should be right? After all, we have done a remarkable thing by

> choosing

> > this as a final resort on life. Why doesn't the " mind " overcome

> the " other

> > mind " ?

> >

> > Lori, I'm so sorry to go off track, just starting typing, and my

> damn

> > fingers kept on truckin'!

> >

> > May I ask why you stopped your med's? Was it because you felt no

> need any

> > longer, or thought " Now that I've lost weight, I can overcome

> anything " ?

> > The reason I ask this, is, I stopped my med's 2 days prior to

> surgery, then

> > WHAM, I was out of control. I should have known better than to

> jump the

> > gun, but I made a mistake (I'm blonde...duh) ...If you're still

> feeling

> > bummed out at times, please, take a few minutes to share with

us. I

> > personally feel by sharing, is helping myself help to understand

> various

> > things. This is a list that is personal, even though we're on the

> Net. I

> > know myself for one, never share this info with anyone unless

> they're on the

> > list, just doesn't feel right to talk about people ya know?

> >

> > If you ever want to go walking somewhere in the Salem area, let me

> know. I

> > think we could both use something rewarding to achieve goals as

> friends!

> >

> > Hang in there sweetie!

> >

> > Dawn

> >

> > A weekly (ha!) sort of update

> >

> >

> > (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the

> depression

> > thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't

> post

> > often, but when I do, LOOK OUT!)

> >

> > Hi, it's me, Lori (loripete), back with a much improved server.

> Conor (4 yr

> > old) isn't happy about me cutting in on his computer time, but now

> that the

> > pc is connected to the web again, he's enjoying PBSkids, etc., so

> it's

> > better for everyone. We bought the webtv so that I could do email

> while

> > Conor played on the pc an hour or so a day. But webtv truly

> sucks. Hubby

> > took a great severance package & now that he's been home for a

> couple weeks

> > is learning first hand how truly sucky it is. And THAT, my dear

> friends, is

> > how we wound up with broadband. So, it's still me, just a new

> address.

> >

> > I, for one, am very glad that this whole depression thing is

coming

> out in

> > the open. On the meds thread: After years (10?) of being on

> > antidepressants, I gave them up several months ago. I've had one

> pretty

> > major depressive episode since, and believe that going back on

> might be the

> > answer for me, but I'm holding out for a while, for reasons I'm

not

> entirely

> > sure about. I've been in counselling for something over 10 years,

> on and

> > off, and recently decided to give myself a break from that as

> well. LYSSA:

> > with my last counsellor, Conor came with me every single time. It

> was part

> > of the arrangement. So, I had him there with me from the time he

> was 18 mos

> > until 4 yrs old. In a very short time he developed some kind of

> respect (?)

> > for session time, understanding that this was some kind of " quiet

> time " ,

> > during which he thoroughly enjoyed himself with toys, drawings,

and

> snacks.

> > It worked very well. I think Conor is better for it. My shrink

also

> > specialized in early childhood education, so I got a lot of advice

> when I

> > asked for it. Personally, I may need to return to counselling.

It

> would

> > involve getting a new shrink, though, and I'm telling myself I

need

> someone

> > who's worked with WLS patients.....ha! Like I'll ever find

someone

> like

> > that! Alas, I've had great shrinks and piss-poor shrinks. You'll

> know

> > right away. I appreciate you being honest with your post. As

much

> as I

> > enjoy hearing all the positives from the people I care about on

> this list,

> > it's very comforting when I read that someone else is feeling

> lousy. I know

> > that sounds horrible, but it's just good to know that even Lyssa

> feels

> > screwy sometimes, you know? I hope you're not taking this the

wrong

> > way!?????

> >

> > This morning I had very weird physical goings-on. I got up, had

my

> usual

> > big glass of water and pills. Went out to walk....only walked a

> mile, as

> > I've been lousy about walking lately & am starting slow. I did

not

> over tax

> > myself by any means. Came back home. About 15 mins later, fixed

> myself a

> > cup of coffee & sat down here at the computer to read mail. As I

> was

> > reading, I started experiencing what may have been gassy pains in

> the upper

> > abdomen, radiating up my back; starting mild and then becoming

> somewhat

> > severe; difficult to breathe through. Couldn't get into a comfy

> position,

> > tried to make myself walk around, but just could deal. Laid down,

> which

> > didn't improve things. Over the course of 90 minutes or so, the

> pain (which

> > was intermittent, for the most part) subsided & now I'm feeling

> relatively

> > normal. Relatively, because I've felt physically " off " for

several

> weeks

> > now. Mentally " off " as well, but I've never exactly been

> mentally " right

> > on " to begin with (LOL). Pete was researching the web for me

after

> things

> > started dying down. I'm worried about gall bladder, even though

> everything

> > we've read says that pain " usually " is associated with food & I

> hadn't eaten

> > anything ('cept my normal pills) since the evening before. I had

> exactly

> > one sip of the coffee before I started getting uncomfortable, so

it

> wasn't

> > that. Pain was middle to right upper ab, sometimes directly under

> my

> > breastbone, radiating through my back. Intermittent, fairly

> severe. I

> > suppose I need to call Thayer's office Monday. At the least,

> assuming I

> > don't experience it again, I imagine at my 1 yr post-op appt (in

> November)

> > he'll order an ultrasound or something. I'm feeling pretty pissed

> about the

> > incident, though, perhaps more pissed than worried. I've been

> feeling off

> > for so long now, and gb trouble is all I need. Now I'm afraid to

> eat! And

> > we're having dinner guests tonight...should be fun.

> >

> > My carbs have been out of control. All I want to eat is

> crackers/bread &

> > cheese. I'm trying to get back into a daily exercise routine. I

> was having

> > problems with an ankle for several weeks, but I can't use that as

> an excuse

> > anymore. I was down from 421 to 263 the other day, then the scale

> bounced

> > up to 267, which freaked me out (damnable pms, I suspect), and now

> about

> > 265. After 10 months as a post op, only now being at the weight

of

> a lot of

> > preops, seems to be affecting me for the worse. I have a lot

> farther to go.

> > Especially since I have so much loose, saggy skin now & it's only

> downhill

> > from here, so to speak. Visited Avenue & Lane last night.

> While I

> > was thrilled to be fitting into 22/24s and even purchasing 3 tops

> (even the

> > petite pants are too long for me now....ugh!!!!!!!!), looking at

my

> body in

> > those mirrors depressed the hell out of me. Apron, upper thighs

(I

> don't

> > even know WHAT is up with that!!!), boobs, middle abdomen (where

> scar

> > is...not the scar itself, but the belly around it) ... it's all

> looking

> > pretty nasty. Under my chin....GAWD, I'm so sick of looking in

the

> mirror

> > and seeing that flapping around. I feel guilty for feeling so

> vain. I've

> > lost close to 160 pounds & I'm fretting over the cosmetic effects

of

> > weightloss. I want to slap myself!

> >

> > Maybe my most recent bout of depression has to do with this: I've

> spent my

> > entire life feeling worthless and ugly. Entire life. After the

> weightloss

> > becomes noticeable, a certain " high " comes with the compliments &

> the

> > clothes getting loose. I'm still getting compliments & I have

> exactly one

> > pair of pants (jeans) that fit properly, but the high has worn off

> perhaps?

> > I've found new ways to feel worthless and ugly (because that's

> really all I

> > know how to feel?) and I can't use food to dull those feelings.

> Well, I CAN

> > use food to dull them and I AM using food to dull them, but not to

> the

> > extent I could allow myself to do prior to surgery, and I want to!

> Well...

> > now that I've brought down the whole room ...

> >

> > Anyway, the " roll call " thread is what originally prompted this

very

> > long-winded post. I tend not to post at all when I'm feeling like

> crap,

> > preferring to wait until I've lifted myself out of it. But what

> the hell,

> > I'll join the bandwagon! I don't post often, but read daily.

> Usually,

> > there's nothing more I can add to a thread that hasn't already

been

> said.

> > I'm not one for " good job " , or " thank you " mini-posts, preferring

> to do that

> > privately. So, I hope you'll indulge me my infrequent " tombs " of

> > correspondence. I'm not in a good place right now. My baby

> started school,

> > 5 afternoons a week. I don't know how to spend time in ways other

> than

> > mothering. My synapses probably aren't working well & I need to

> consider

> > not only getting a new meds-shrink, but also a new shrinky-shrink

&

> I just

> > don't have the energy right now. This is where I am & the primary

> reason I

> > don't post often.

> >

> > I am tremendously grateful for the surgery. The surgery did not

> cause me to

> > feel this way. The surgery is the best thing I've ever done for

> myself &

> > I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Even if I never lost another

pound

> and

> > weigh 265 for the rest of my life.

> >

> > Please enjoy the weekend, folks, right now it's beautiful outside

&

> I'm

> > going to force myself to step out and play with my boys. I'm

> trying to

> > count my blessings this weekend, but it's hard sometimes, isn't

> it? I

> > SOOOOO wish there was an easy answer for this & that, as many of

> you have

> > said, my surgeon could have fixed my brain as well.

> >

> > I think I'll go for a little goal today....drinking lots of water.

> Anyone

> > want to join me? So far, it's 12:52 and I've only had one giant

> glass and

> > two cups of joe.

> >

> > Tootles,

> > Lori, in Salem NH

> > RNY 11/8/99

> > 421/265/??????????????????

> > Thayer, NWH

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry for your losses {{Norma}} take care Barb

> In a message dated 9/25/00 9:34:23 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

> lorihannon@m... writes:

>

> > (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the

depression

> > thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I

don't post

> Hi Lori

> Thank you for the letter. It made me look real hard at myself and I

called my

> therapist and went more to cry on her shoulder than any thing. I've

had the

> worst month. My aunt died, buried her and the next day my sister

died Labor

> Day weekend. It never hit me hard because I held it all in. My DH

and I went

> on vacation last week and had a good time but we got the worst cold

I've ever

> had. I was in bed all week He was in his chair and my daughter was

trying to

> work thru it. Sunday morn my cat was killed by a car and we buried

her. At

> this time I was OK with the cold but it sent me into a depression

By Sunday

> afternoon my daughter was in the hospital with her flu and I broke

down and

> couldn't stop crying. When I turned on the computer Mon. morn I had

over 1000

> e-mails some digests. So I only went back a couple of days. I

stopped when I

> read your letter then I went to talk to Ruth. Then she called my

Phych. he

> called in for a temp. medicine and I'll see him Thurs. and Ruth

again Mon.

> some times I can't do it all alone. Even thou I have my husband I

think I was

> keeping a front so he would not worry about me. Today I feel like

1/2 a ton

> has lifted now I can get rid of the rest in time.

> NORMA

> 267/184/119

> RNY12/9/99 DR,s Brig. Woman's

> Hernia-2 TT DR. Randall 2001 ?

[Guest guest]

Norma,

Jeeze when it rains it pours huh? I am so sorry to hear about all of your bad luck this past month. I am glad that you went in to see your dr and are feeling a bit better. Hang in there. When things get so bad for me I know that it is only a matter of time before they start to turn around for the better again. Take care and hang in there! Know that I am thinking of you!

Hugs to you

ppbird100@... wrote:

> (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the depression> thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't postHi LoriThank you for the letter. It made me look real hard at myself and I called my therapist and went more to cry on her shoulder than any thing. I've had the worst month. My aunt died, buried her and the next day my sister died Labor Day weekend. It never hit me hard because I held it all in. My DH and I went on vacation last week and had a good time but we got the worst cold I've ever had. I was in bed all week He was in his chair and my daughter was trying to work thru it. Sunday morn my cat was killed by a car and we buried her. At this time I was OK with the cold but it sent me into a depression By Sunday afternoon my daughter was in the hospital with her flu and I broke down and couldn't stop crying. When I turned on the computer Mon. morn I had over 1000 e-mails some digests. So I only went back a couple of days. I stopped when I read your letter then I went to talk to Ruth. Then she called my Phych. he called in for a temp. medicine and I'll see him Thurs. and Ruth again Mon. some times I can't do it all alone. Even thou I have my husband I think I was keeping a front so he would not worry about me. Today I feel like 1/2 a ton has lifted now I can get rid of the rest in time.NORMA267/184/119RNY12/9/99 DR,s Brig. Woman'sHernia-2 TT DR. Randall 2001 ?

[Guest guest]

Norma,

Jeeze when it rains it pours huh? I am so sorry to hear about all of your bad luck this past month. I am glad that you went in to see your dr and are feeling a bit better. Hang in there. When things get so bad for me I know that it is only a matter of time before they start to turn around for the better again. Take care and hang in there! Know that I am thinking of you!

Hugs to you

ppbird100@... wrote:

> (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the depression> thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't postHi LoriThank you for the letter. It made me look real hard at myself and I called my therapist and went more to cry on her shoulder than any thing. I've had the worst month. My aunt died, buried her and the next day my sister died Labor Day weekend. It never hit me hard because I held it all in. My DH and I went on vacation last week and had a good time but we got the worst cold I've ever had. I was in bed all week He was in his chair and my daughter was trying to work thru it. Sunday morn my cat was killed by a car and we buried her. At this time I was OK with the cold but it sent me into a depression By Sunday afternoon my daughter was in the hospital with her flu and I broke down and couldn't stop crying. When I turned on the computer Mon. morn I had over 1000 e-mails some digests. So I only went back a couple of days. I stopped when I read your letter then I went to talk to Ruth. Then she called my Phych. he called in for a temp. medicine and I'll see him Thurs. and Ruth again Mon. some times I can't do it all alone. Even thou I have my husband I think I was keeping a front so he would not worry about me. Today I feel like 1/2 a ton has lifted now I can get rid of the rest in time.NORMA267/184/119RNY12/9/99 DR,s Brig. Woman'sHernia-2 TT DR. Randall 2001 ?

[Guest guest]

Norma,

Jeeze when it rains it pours huh? I am so sorry to hear about all of your bad luck this past month. I am glad that you went in to see your dr and are feeling a bit better. Hang in there. When things get so bad for me I know that it is only a matter of time before they start to turn around for the better again. Take care and hang in there! Know that I am thinking of you!

Hugs to you

ppbird100@... wrote:

> (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the depression> thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't postHi LoriThank you for the letter. It made me look real hard at myself and I called my therapist and went more to cry on her shoulder than any thing. I've had the worst month. My aunt died, buried her and the next day my sister died Labor Day weekend. It never hit me hard because I held it all in. My DH and I went on vacation last week and had a good time but we got the worst cold I've ever had. I was in bed all week He was in his chair and my daughter was trying to work thru it. Sunday morn my cat was killed by a car and we buried her. At this time I was OK with the cold but it sent me into a depression By Sunday afternoon my daughter was in the hospital with her flu and I broke down and couldn't stop crying. When I turned on the computer Mon. morn I had over 1000 e-mails some digests. So I only went back a couple of days. I stopped when I read your letter then I went to talk to Ruth. Then she called my Phych. he called in for a temp. medicine and I'll see him Thurs. and Ruth again Mon. some times I can't do it all alone. Even thou I have my husband I think I was keeping a front so he would not worry about me. Today I feel like 1/2 a ton has lifted now I can get rid of the rest in time.NORMA267/184/119RNY12/9/99 DR,s Brig. Woman'sHernia-2 TT DR. Randall 2001 ?

[Guest guest]

Now that's a thought, but I can eat now! LOL!

Ya know what's funny in my eyes? I registered for my wedding, and

registered for a damn apron! Now I'm feeling old, and like Child!

OMG!!

Dawn

A weekly (ha!) sort of update

> >

> >

> > (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the

> depression

> > thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't

> post

> > often, but when I do, LOOK OUT!)

> >

> > Hi, it's me, Lori (loripete), back with a much improved server.

> Conor (4 yr

> > old) isn't happy about me cutting in on his computer time, but now

> that the

> > pc is connected to the web again, he's enjoying PBSkids, etc., so

> it's

> > better for everyone. We bought the webtv so that I could do email

> while

> > Conor played on the pc an hour or so a day. But webtv truly

> sucks. Hubby

> > took a great severance package & now that he's been home for a

> couple weeks

> > is learning first hand how truly sucky it is. And THAT, my dear

> friends, is

> > how we wound up with broadband. So, it's still me, just a new

> address.

> >

> > I, for one, am very glad that this whole depression thing is

coming

> out in

> > the open. On the meds thread: After years (10?) of being on

> > antidepressants, I gave them up several months ago. I've had one

> pretty

> > major depressive episode since, and believe that going back on

> might be the

> > answer for me, but I'm holding out for a while, for reasons I'm

not

> entirely

> > sure about. I've been in counselling for something over 10 years,

> on and

> > off, and recently decided to give myself a break from that as

> well. LYSSA:

> > with my last counsellor, Conor came with me every single time. It

> was part

> > of the arrangement. So, I had him there with me from the time he

> was 18 mos

> > until 4 yrs old. In a very short time he developed some kind of

> respect (?)

> > for session time, understanding that this was some kind of " quiet

> time " ,

> > during which he thoroughly enjoyed himself with toys, drawings,

and

> snacks.

> > It worked very well. I think Conor is better for it. My shrink

also

> > specialized in early childhood education, so I got a lot of advice

> when I

> > asked for it. Personally, I may need to return to counselling.

It

> would

> > involve getting a new shrink, though, and I'm telling myself I

need

> someone

> > who's worked with WLS patients.....ha! Like I'll ever find

someone

> like

> > that! Alas, I've had great shrinks and piss-poor shrinks. You'll

> know

> > right away. I appreciate you being honest with your post. As

much

> as I

> > enjoy hearing all the positives from the people I care about on

> this list,

> > it's very comforting when I read that someone else is feeling

> lousy. I know

> > that sounds horrible, but it's just good to know that even Lyssa

> feels

> > screwy sometimes, you know? I hope you're not taking this the

wrong

> > way!?????

> >

> > This morning I had very weird physical goings-on. I got up, had

my

> usual

> > big glass of water and pills. Went out to walk....only walked a

> mile, as

> > I've been lousy about walking lately & am starting slow. I did

not

> over tax

> > myself by any means. Came back home. About 15 mins later, fixed

> myself a

> > cup of coffee & sat down here at the computer to read mail. As I

> was

> > reading, I started experiencing what may have been gassy pains in

> the upper

> > abdomen, radiating up my back; starting mild and then becoming

> somewhat

> > severe; difficult to breathe through. Couldn't get into a comfy

> position,

> > tried to make myself walk around, but just could deal. Laid down,

> which

> > didn't improve things. Over the course of 90 minutes or so, the

> pain (which

> > was intermittent, for the most part) subsided & now I'm feeling

> relatively

> > normal. Relatively, because I've felt physically " off " for

several

> weeks

> > now. Mentally " off " as well, but I've never exactly been

> mentally " right

> > on " to begin with (LOL). Pete was researching the web for me

after

> things

> > started dying down. I'm worried about gall bladder, even though

> everything

> > we've read says that pain " usually " is associated with food & I

> hadn't eaten

> > anything ('cept my normal pills) since the evening before. I had

> exactly

> > one sip of the coffee before I started getting uncomfortable, so

it

> wasn't

> > that. Pain was middle to right upper ab, sometimes directly under

> my

> > breastbone, radiating through my back. Intermittent, fairly

> severe. I

> > suppose I need to call Thayer's office Monday. At the least,

> assuming I

> > don't experience it again, I imagine at my 1 yr post-op appt (in

> November)

> > he'll order an ultrasound or something. I'm feeling pretty pissed

> about the

> > incident, though, perhaps more pissed than worried. I've been

> feeling off

> > for so long now, and gb trouble is all I need. Now I'm afraid to

> eat! And

> > we're having dinner guests tonight...should be fun.

> >

> > My carbs have been out of control. All I want to eat is

> crackers/bread &

> > cheese. I'm trying to get back into a daily exercise routine. I

> was having

> > problems with an ankle for several weeks, but I can't use that as

> an excuse

> > anymore. I was down from 421 to 263 the other day, then the scale

> bounced

> > up to 267, which freaked me out (damnable pms, I suspect), and now

> about

> > 265. After 10 months as a post op, only now being at the weight

of

> a lot of

> > preops, seems to be affecting me for the worse. I have a lot

> farther to go.

> > Especially since I have so much loose, saggy skin now & it's only

> downhill

> > from here, so to speak. Visited Avenue & Lane last night.

> While I

> > was thrilled to be fitting into 22/24s and even purchasing 3 tops

> (even the

> > petite pants are too long for me now....ugh!!!!!!!!), looking at

my

> body in

> > those mirrors depressed the hell out of me. Apron, upper thighs

(I

> don't

> > even know WHAT is up with that!!!), boobs, middle abdomen (where

> scar

> > is...not the scar itself, but the belly around it) ... it's all

> looking

> > pretty nasty. Under my chin....GAWD, I'm so sick of looking in

the

> mirror

> > and seeing that flapping around. I feel guilty for feeling so

> vain. I've

> > lost close to 160 pounds & I'm fretting over the cosmetic effects

of

> > weightloss. I want to slap myself!

> >

> > Maybe my most recent bout of depression has to do with this: I've

> spent my

> > entire life feeling worthless and ugly. Entire life. After the

> weightloss

> > becomes noticeable, a certain " high " comes with the compliments &

> the

> > clothes getting loose. I'm still getting compliments & I have

> exactly one

> > pair of pants (jeans) that fit properly, but the high has worn off

> perhaps?

> > I've found new ways to feel worthless and ugly (because that's

> really all I

> > know how to feel?) and I can't use food to dull those feelings.

> Well, I CAN

> > use food to dull them and I AM using food to dull them, but not to

> the

> > extent I could allow myself to do prior to surgery, and I want to!

> Well...

> > now that I've brought down the whole room ...

> >

> > Anyway, the " roll call " thread is what originally prompted this

very

> > long-winded post. I tend not to post at all when I'm feeling like

> crap,

> > preferring to wait until I've lifted myself out of it. But what

> the hell,

> > I'll join the bandwagon! I don't post often, but read daily.

> Usually,

> > there's nothing more I can add to a thread that hasn't already

been

> said.

> > I'm not one for " good job " , or " thank you " mini-posts, preferring

> to do that

> > privately. So, I hope you'll indulge me my infrequent " tombs " of

> > correspondence. I'm not in a good place right now. My baby

> started school,

> > 5 afternoons a week. I don't know how to spend time in ways other

> than

> > mothering. My synapses probably aren't working well & I need to

> consider

> > not only getting a new meds-shrink, but also a new shrinky-shrink

&

> I just

> > don't have the energy right now. This is where I am & the primary

> reason I

> > don't post often.

> >

> > I am tremendously grateful for the surgery. The surgery did not

> cause me to

> > feel this way. The surgery is the best thing I've ever done for

> myself &

> > I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Even if I never lost another

pound

> and

> > weigh 265 for the rest of my life.

> >

> > Please enjoy the weekend, folks, right now it's beautiful outside

&

> I'm

> > going to force myself to step out and play with my boys. I'm

> trying to

> > count my blessings this weekend, but it's hard sometimes, isn't

> it? I

> > SOOOOO wish there was an easy answer for this & that, as many of

> you have

> > said, my surgeon could have fixed my brain as well.

> >

> > I think I'll go for a little goal today....drinking lots of water.

> Anyone

> > want to join me? So far, it's 12:52 and I've only had one giant

> glass and

> > two cups of joe.

> >

> > Tootles,

> > Lori, in Salem NH

> > RNY 11/8/99

> > 421/265/??????????????????

> > Thayer, NWH

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Now that's a thought, but I can eat now! LOL!

Ya know what's funny in my eyes? I registered for my wedding, and

registered for a damn apron! Now I'm feeling old, and like Child!

OMG!!

Dawn

A weekly (ha!) sort of update

> >

> >

> > (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the

> depression

> > thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't

> post

> > often, but when I do, LOOK OUT!)

> >

> > Hi, it's me, Lori (loripete), back with a much improved server.

> Conor (4 yr

> > old) isn't happy about me cutting in on his computer time, but now

> that the

> > pc is connected to the web again, he's enjoying PBSkids, etc., so

> it's

> > better for everyone. We bought the webtv so that I could do email

> while

> > Conor played on the pc an hour or so a day. But webtv truly

> sucks. Hubby

> > took a great severance package & now that he's been home for a

> couple weeks

> > is learning first hand how truly sucky it is. And THAT, my dear

> friends, is

> > how we wound up with broadband. So, it's still me, just a new

> address.

> >

> > I, for one, am very glad that this whole depression thing is

coming

> out in

> > the open. On the meds thread: After years (10?) of being on

> > antidepressants, I gave them up several months ago. I've had one

> pretty

> > major depressive episode since, and believe that going back on

> might be the

> > answer for me, but I'm holding out for a while, for reasons I'm

not

> entirely

> > sure about. I've been in counselling for something over 10 years,

> on and

> > off, and recently decided to give myself a break from that as

> well. LYSSA:

> > with my last counsellor, Conor came with me every single time. It

> was part

> > of the arrangement. So, I had him there with me from the time he

> was 18 mos

> > until 4 yrs old. In a very short time he developed some kind of

> respect (?)

> > for session time, understanding that this was some kind of " quiet

> time " ,

> > during which he thoroughly enjoyed himself with toys, drawings,

and

> snacks.

> > It worked very well. I think Conor is better for it. My shrink

also

> > specialized in early childhood education, so I got a lot of advice

> when I

> > asked for it. Personally, I may need to return to counselling.

It

> would

> > involve getting a new shrink, though, and I'm telling myself I

need

> someone

> > who's worked with WLS patients.....ha! Like I'll ever find

someone

> like

> > that! Alas, I've had great shrinks and piss-poor shrinks. You'll

> know

> > right away. I appreciate you being honest with your post. As

much

> as I

> > enjoy hearing all the positives from the people I care about on

> this list,

> > it's very comforting when I read that someone else is feeling

> lousy. I know

> > that sounds horrible, but it's just good to know that even Lyssa

> feels

> > screwy sometimes, you know? I hope you're not taking this the

wrong

> > way!?????

> >

> > This morning I had very weird physical goings-on. I got up, had

my

> usual

> > big glass of water and pills. Went out to walk....only walked a

> mile, as

> > I've been lousy about walking lately & am starting slow. I did

not

> over tax

> > myself by any means. Came back home. About 15 mins later, fixed

> myself a

> > cup of coffee & sat down here at the computer to read mail. As I

> was

> > reading, I started experiencing what may have been gassy pains in

> the upper

> > abdomen, radiating up my back; starting mild and then becoming

> somewhat

> > severe; difficult to breathe through. Couldn't get into a comfy

> position,

> > tried to make myself walk around, but just could deal. Laid down,

> which

> > didn't improve things. Over the course of 90 minutes or so, the

> pain (which

> > was intermittent, for the most part) subsided & now I'm feeling

> relatively

> > normal. Relatively, because I've felt physically " off " for

several

> weeks

> > now. Mentally " off " as well, but I've never exactly been

> mentally " right

> > on " to begin with (LOL). Pete was researching the web for me

after

> things

> > started dying down. I'm worried about gall bladder, even though

> everything

> > we've read says that pain " usually " is associated with food & I

> hadn't eaten

> > anything ('cept my normal pills) since the evening before. I had

> exactly

> > one sip of the coffee before I started getting uncomfortable, so

it

> wasn't

> > that. Pain was middle to right upper ab, sometimes directly under

> my

> > breastbone, radiating through my back. Intermittent, fairly

> severe. I

> > suppose I need to call Thayer's office Monday. At the least,

> assuming I

> > don't experience it again, I imagine at my 1 yr post-op appt (in

> November)

> > he'll order an ultrasound or something. I'm feeling pretty pissed

> about the

> > incident, though, perhaps more pissed than worried. I've been

> feeling off

> > for so long now, and gb trouble is all I need. Now I'm afraid to

> eat! And

> > we're having dinner guests tonight...should be fun.

> >

> > My carbs have been out of control. All I want to eat is

> crackers/bread &

> > cheese. I'm trying to get back into a daily exercise routine. I

> was having

> > problems with an ankle for several weeks, but I can't use that as

> an excuse

> > anymore. I was down from 421 to 263 the other day, then the scale

> bounced

> > up to 267, which freaked me out (damnable pms, I suspect), and now

> about

> > 265. After 10 months as a post op, only now being at the weight

of

> a lot of

> > preops, seems to be affecting me for the worse. I have a lot

> farther to go.

> > Especially since I have so much loose, saggy skin now & it's only

> downhill

> > from here, so to speak. Visited Avenue & Lane last night.

> While I

> > was thrilled to be fitting into 22/24s and even purchasing 3 tops

> (even the

> > petite pants are too long for me now....ugh!!!!!!!!), looking at

my

> body in

> > those mirrors depressed the hell out of me. Apron, upper thighs

(I

> don't

> > even know WHAT is up with that!!!), boobs, middle abdomen (where

> scar

> > is...not the scar itself, but the belly around it) ... it's all

> looking

> > pretty nasty. Under my chin....GAWD, I'm so sick of looking in

the

> mirror

> > and seeing that flapping around. I feel guilty for feeling so

> vain. I've

> > lost close to 160 pounds & I'm fretting over the cosmetic effects

of

> > weightloss. I want to slap myself!

> >

> > Maybe my most recent bout of depression has to do with this: I've

> spent my

> > entire life feeling worthless and ugly. Entire life. After the

> weightloss

> > becomes noticeable, a certain " high " comes with the compliments &

> the

> > clothes getting loose. I'm still getting compliments & I have

> exactly one

> > pair of pants (jeans) that fit properly, but the high has worn off

> perhaps?

> > I've found new ways to feel worthless and ugly (because that's

> really all I

> > know how to feel?) and I can't use food to dull those feelings.

> Well, I CAN

> > use food to dull them and I AM using food to dull them, but not to

> the

> > extent I could allow myself to do prior to surgery, and I want to!

> Well...

> > now that I've brought down the whole room ...

> >

> > Anyway, the " roll call " thread is what originally prompted this

very

> > long-winded post. I tend not to post at all when I'm feeling like

> crap,

> > preferring to wait until I've lifted myself out of it. But what

> the hell,

> > I'll join the bandwagon! I don't post often, but read daily.

> Usually,

> > there's nothing more I can add to a thread that hasn't already

been

> said.

> > I'm not one for " good job " , or " thank you " mini-posts, preferring

> to do that

> > privately. So, I hope you'll indulge me my infrequent " tombs " of

> > correspondence. I'm not in a good place right now. My baby

> started school,

> > 5 afternoons a week. I don't know how to spend time in ways other

> than

> > mothering. My synapses probably aren't working well & I need to

> consider

> > not only getting a new meds-shrink, but also a new shrinky-shrink

&

> I just

> > don't have the energy right now. This is where I am & the primary

> reason I

> > don't post often.

> >

> > I am tremendously grateful for the surgery. The surgery did not

> cause me to

> > feel this way. The surgery is the best thing I've ever done for

> myself &

> > I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Even if I never lost another

pound

> and

> > weigh 265 for the rest of my life.

> >

> > Please enjoy the weekend, folks, right now it's beautiful outside

&

> I'm

> > going to force myself to step out and play with my boys. I'm

> trying to

> > count my blessings this weekend, but it's hard sometimes, isn't

> it? I

> > SOOOOO wish there was an easy answer for this & that, as many of

> you have

> > said, my surgeon could have fixed my brain as well.

> >

> > I think I'll go for a little goal today....drinking lots of water.

> Anyone

> > want to join me? So far, it's 12:52 and I've only had one giant

> glass and

> > two cups of joe.

> >

> > Tootles,

> > Lori, in Salem NH

> > RNY 11/8/99

> > 421/265/??????????????????

> > Thayer, NWH

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Now that's a thought, but I can eat now! LOL!

Ya know what's funny in my eyes? I registered for my wedding, and

registered for a damn apron! Now I'm feeling old, and like Child!

OMG!!

Dawn

A weekly (ha!) sort of update

> >

> >

> > (this was actually written several days ago, in the midst of the

> depression

> > thread, and it's pretty darned long-winded, even for me. I don't

> post

> > often, but when I do, LOOK OUT!)

> >

> > Hi, it's me, Lori (loripete), back with a much improved server.

> Conor (4 yr

> > old) isn't happy about me cutting in on his computer time, but now

> that the

> > pc is connected to the web again, he's enjoying PBSkids, etc., so

> it's

> > better for everyone. We bought the webtv so that I could do email

> while

> > Conor played on the pc an hour or so a day. But webtv truly

> sucks. Hubby

> > took a great severance package & now that he's been home for a

> couple weeks

> > is learning first hand how truly sucky it is. And THAT, my dear

> friends, is

> > how we wound up with broadband. So, it's still me, just a new

> address.

> >

> > I, for one, am very glad that this whole depression thing is

coming

> out in

> > the open. On the meds thread: After years (10?) of being on

> > antidepressants, I gave them up several months ago. I've had one

> pretty

> > major depressive episode since, and believe that going back on

> might be the

> > answer for me, but I'm holding out for a while, for reasons I'm

not

> entirely

> > sure about. I've been in counselling for something over 10 years,

> on and

> > off, and recently decided to give myself a break from that as

> well. LYSSA:

> > with my last counsellor, Conor came with me every single time. It

> was part

> > of the arrangement. So, I had him there with me from the time he

> was 18 mos

> > until 4 yrs old. In a very short time he developed some kind of

> respect (?)

> > for session time, understanding that this was some kind of " quiet

> time " ,

> > during which he thoroughly enjoyed himself with toys, drawings,

and

> snacks.

> > It worked very well. I think Conor is better for it. My shrink

also

> > specialized in early childhood education, so I got a lot of advice

> when I

> > asked for it. Personally, I may need to return to counselling.

It

> would

> > involve getting a new shrink, though, and I'm telling myself I

need

> someone

> > who's worked with WLS patients.....ha! Like I'll ever find

someone

> like

> > that! Alas, I've had great shrinks and piss-poor shrinks. You'll

> know

> > right away. I appreciate you being honest with your post. As

much

> as I

> > enjoy hearing all the positives from the people I care about on

> this list,

> > it's very comforting when I read that someone else is feeling

> lousy. I know

> > that sounds horrible, but it's just good to know that even Lyssa

> feels

> > screwy sometimes, you know? I hope you're not taking this the

wrong

> > way!?????

> >

> > This morning I had very weird physical goings-on. I got up, had

my

> usual

> > big glass of water and pills. Went out to walk....only walked a

> mile, as

> > I've been lousy about walking lately & am starting slow. I did

not

> over tax

> > myself by any means. Came back home. About 15 mins later, fixed

> myself a

> > cup of coffee & sat down here at the computer to read mail. As I

> was

> > reading, I started experiencing what may have been gassy pains in

> the upper

> > abdomen, radiating up my back; starting mild and then becoming

> somewhat

> > severe; difficult to breathe through. Couldn't get into a comfy

> position,

> > tried to make myself walk around, but just could deal. Laid down,

> which

> > didn't improve things. Over the course of 90 minutes or so, the

> pain (which

> > was intermittent, for the most part) subsided & now I'm feeling

> relatively

> > normal. Relatively, because I've felt physically " off " for

several

> weeks

> > now. Mentally " off " as well, but I've never exactly been

> mentally " right

> > on " to begin with (LOL). Pete was researching the web for me

after

> things

> > started dying down. I'm worried about gall bladder, even though

> everything

> > we've read says that pain " usually " is associated with food & I

> hadn't eaten

> > anything ('cept my normal pills) since the evening before. I had

> exactly

> > one sip of the coffee before I started getting uncomfortable, so

it

> wasn't

> > that. Pain was middle to right upper ab, sometimes directly under

> my

> > breastbone, radiating through my back. Intermittent, fairly

> severe. I

> > suppose I need to call Thayer's office Monday. At the least,

> assuming I

> > don't experience it again, I imagine at my 1 yr post-op appt (in

> November)

> > he'll order an ultrasound or something. I'm feeling pretty pissed

> about the

> > incident, though, perhaps more pissed than worried. I've been

> feeling off

> > for so long now, and gb trouble is all I need. Now I'm afraid to

> eat! And

> > we're having dinner guests tonight...should be fun.

> >

> > My carbs have been out of control. All I want to eat is

> crackers/bread &

> > cheese. I'm trying to get back into a daily exercise routine. I

> was having

> > problems with an ankle for several weeks, but I can't use that as

> an excuse

> > anymore. I was down from 421 to 263 the other day, then the scale

> bounced

> > up to 267, which freaked me out (damnable pms, I suspect), and now

> about

> > 265. After 10 months as a post op, only now being at the weight

of

> a lot of

> > preops, seems to be affecting me for the worse. I have a lot

> farther to go.

> > Especially since I have so much loose, saggy skin now & it's only

> downhill

> > from here, so to speak. Visited Avenue & Lane last night.

> While I

> > was thrilled to be fitting into 22/24s and even purchasing 3 tops

> (even the

> > petite pants are too long for me now....ugh!!!!!!!!), looking at

my

> body in

> > those mirrors depressed the hell out of me. Apron, upper thighs

(I

> don't

> > even know WHAT is up with that!!!), boobs, middle abdomen (where

> scar

> > is...not the scar itself, but the belly around it) ... it's all

> looking

> > pretty nasty. Under my chin....GAWD, I'm so sick of looking in

the

> mirror

> > and seeing that flapping around. I feel guilty for feeling so

> vain. I've

> > lost close to 160 pounds & I'm fretting over the cosmetic effects

of

> > weightloss. I want to slap myself!

> >

> > Maybe my most recent bout of depression has to do with this: I've

> spent my

> > entire life feeling worthless and ugly. Entire life. After the

> weightloss

> > becomes noticeable, a certain " high " comes with the compliments &

> the

> > clothes getting loose. I'm still getting compliments & I have

> exactly one

> > pair of pants (jeans) that fit properly, but the high has worn off

> perhaps?

> > I've found new ways to feel worthless and ugly (because that's

> really all I

> > know how to feel?) and I can't use food to dull those feelings.

> Well, I CAN

> > use food to dull them and I AM using food to dull them, but not to

> the

> > extent I could allow myself to do prior to surgery, and I want to!

> Well...

> > now that I've brought down the whole room ...

> >

> > Anyway, the " roll call " thread is what originally prompted this

very

> > long-winded post. I tend not to post at all when I'm feeling like

> crap,

> > preferring to wait until I've lifted myself out of it. But what

> the hell,

> > I'll join the bandwagon! I don't post often, but read daily.

> Usually,

> > there's nothing more I can add to a thread that hasn't already

been

> said.

> > I'm not one for " good job " , or " thank you " mini-posts, preferring

> to do that

> > privately. So, I hope you'll indulge me my infrequent " tombs " of

> > correspondence. I'm not in a good place right now. My baby

> started school,

> > 5 afternoons a week. I don't know how to spend time in ways other

> than

> > mothering. My synapses probably aren't working well & I need to

> consider

> > not only getting a new meds-shrink, but also a new shrinky-shrink

&

> I just

> > don't have the energy right now. This is where I am & the primary

> reason I

> > don't post often.

> >

> > I am tremendously grateful for the surgery. The surgery did not

> cause me to

> > feel this way. The surgery is the best thing I've ever done for

> myself &

> > I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Even if I never lost another

pound

> and

> > weigh 265 for the rest of my life.

> >

> > Please enjoy the weekend, folks, right now it's beautiful outside

&

> I'm

> > going to force myself to step out and play with my boys. I'm

> trying to

> > count my blessings this weekend, but it's hard sometimes, isn't

> it? I

> > SOOOOO wish there was an easy answer for this & that, as many of

> you have

> > said, my surgeon could have fixed my brain as well.

> >

> > I think I'll go for a little goal today....drinking lots of water.

> Anyone

> > want to join me? So far, it's 12:52 and I've only had one giant

> glass and

> > two cups of joe.

> >

> > Tootles,

> > Lori, in Salem NH

> > RNY 11/8/99

> > 421/265/??????????????????

> > Thayer, NWH

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >