Need a Helping Hand Up Please!!

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I know I haven't been on in a few days, maybe longer, I'm not sure, I've kind of lost track of time here.

I've had a couple of bad weeks, emotionally and physically. I've been feeling just icky all the way around, sluggish, sleepy, dizzy, headaches that are closer to migraines daily, tremors, spasms...just blah. Emotionally it's been a roller coaster.

I don't want to be on this ride any more. I am screaming to get off and nobody can hear me!!! I feel like there is something else wrong with me, I don't know why. I told my therapist this yesterday and she asked me if it was just negative thinking. Well, I don't know, maybe it is. I have been having a hard time being very positive lately.

My husband is gone, my son acts up at home, I am changing and washing wet sheets every day, I feel like crap and can't get an appt. with my new dr. or even a phone call returned and now our money situation is so bad we are seeing a lawyer about declaring bankruptcy.

I just got off the phone with my GP to get some results of blood work I had done on Monday. A CBC and thyroid check because of the dizziness and low blood pressure. Well it seems I have a couple of abnormal results. My thyroid is normal but my kidney is at a 53 which is supposed to be at 60 or greater. What this means I don't know, guess I'll have to look that up. My sugar is slightly elevated, at 113. Should be 100 or lower.

I am terrified of getting diabetes on top of the MS. I know it's probably inevitable since my Dad has the adult onset and I had gestational with both kids so my chances are much greater. I just don't know mentally how much more I can take. I feel my mind and my heart and all that I am just imploding in on me. I don't know who I am, or who I will be, I'm so lost and so scared.

All my husband can say is he's sorry. I don't want him to be sorry. I don't know what I want from him.

I don't want to do this anymore, it's somebody elses turn. I want them to say it was all a big mistake. I don't have MS, I never had rheumatic fever, my son doesn't have ADHD/ODD, my Mom isn't dead. I want to stop time, to reverse it, to go back and do it over. Why can't we get ONE do over??? Would it change anything?

I just want to scream and I feel like I have nobody who understands. I try talking to my husband but he keeps apologizing to me like it's his fault. It's not, it's not anybody's fault, I know that.

My neighbor has Crohns so she understands what its like to have a chronic illness but I'm not comfortable enough to talk with her. She's also the type who competes. Do you know what I mean?

I'm so glad I can come here and at least type my feelings. I cry alone but know that my tears are felt and shared by you all as I'm sure you have all shed your own as well.

I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!

Thank you all for reading my long rant. I feel a bit better.

Hugs

Peggy