Re: My hubby's condition

[Guest guest]

Hi Becky:

My heart is breaking when I read this. Your husband is one year

older than my husband and our children are round about the same age.

Either he knows what he wants and is being very firm (I'd say

stubborn) about it, or he's depressed and can't take action. In

either case, his way of dealing with all this is not ideal, and that

leaves you in a position.

So I'm going to take a deep breath and offer you some strong words of

advice.

Tell your husband exactly how this is hurting you and the kids. Be

kind, but very firm. Tell him how much you love him and how it is

killing all of you to see him suffer. Be strong.

He DOES have choices. Going to see the oncologist or any other

doctor does not negate those choices. Whatever treatment is offered

he can say " no " to. And he does not have to have chemo, but at least

they can look at helping him with his symptoms.

Do whatever you can to get him through the doors of that clinic.

Bribe him, plead with him, argue with him.

Having said that, if it doesn't work, you will have to face the fact

that you are on your own to take action for yourself. And that does

not mean sitting idly by and doing nothing.

Words of wisdom that were once given to me: you can't change your

partner and you can't change his actions, but you can change your own

behaviour - which MIGHT in the long run, have an influence on his.

Perhaps you can go visit the oncologist and the social worker at the

oncology clinic (if you have one) to discuss all this. You need

support. You are sort of being pushed into doing everything

yourself, being his nurse, his doctor, and his loving partner - just

by the very fact that he won't head out to a doctor and is relying on

you for help with everything. Maybe they can help you with a plan

for yourself and the kids with all of this. I repeat, you need

support.

You might be surprised at what happens if you take a deep breath and

decide to " treat yourself " even if he is refusing treatment. Keep

the lines of communication open, give him lots of love and support -

but remember to take very good care of yourself too.

Sometimes life really tests us. How we choose to deal with such

trials and what we learn from them shapes the person we become.

Your children are dependent upon mom to be there for them. I know

they will also come to know you as a wise and strong woman. So

remember, no matter how awful this all seems now, you are giving a

gift to them by stepping up to the plate in this situation.

I wish you all the best Becky. My prayers are with you all.

Many hugs,

Laurie

> Hello all,

>

> My husband Jeff, is feeling very bad. He is having hot

> flash's,nausea, sensitivy to smells and weakness in his legs.

> I don't know what to do for him. He won't go to the doctor. I

made

> an appointment for him last week but he waited until late that

night

> to take his MOM(Milk of Magnesia). He needs this to clean himself

out

> as he has so much scar tissue and pelvic tumors that he can't go on

> his own. So on that day he was weak and tired from cleaning out. (I

> know this was an excuse not to go) I told him then that was the 3rd

> time he didn't go to an appointment I set up and that when he was

> ready to go to the doctor then he will make the appointment next

time.

>

> I guess I am just venting. I am watching him progressively get

worse

> and look worse and I feel so helpless. I know that all of this is

in

> God's hands but to watch him give up is tearing me apart. He was

> given nine months from onset of reoccurrence which would mean his

> time is about up on that. I feel like his avoidance is just going

to

> cause him more pain and problems in the future. Has anyone dealt

> with this? How did you handle it? Were you able to convince them

to

> seek doctors aid?

>

> He didn't want to do chemo. He just wanted to enjoy what time he

has

> left and I am worried that his good days are behind him. He is

only

> 41. We have two boys, 3 and 11. I just can't understand his

> lackadaisacal attitude about seeking treatment. The boys and I are

> having to watch and not be able to do anything. He keeps asking me

> what I think is happening. I keep telling him that I am not a

doctor

> and have no idea why he is experiencing these symptoms.

>

>

> Saturday, his kidney stint got stopped up with a blood clot. He

was

> in agony for about 2 hours. I guess kinda like passing a kidney

> stone. He was very weak and sore afterwards. Slept for most of

the

> time. Yesterday afternoon, for no apparent reason, he started

having

> cold chills or shakes, which lasted about 2 hours. He had to set

> right by the heat vent to warm up enough. We took his temperature,

> it was normal. His hands and feet were normal as compared to

mine.

> He slept right after that until about 8 this morning. I just don't

> know what to do and how I can help him. Once he gets to weak to

> protest I will be taking him to ER. But I have heard such horror

> tales about how colon cancer patients are treated in ER's. That

the

> medical staff will attribute everything to his cancer and not try

to

> help him.

>

> What to do? What to do???

>

> Sorry this was so long. Guess I just needed to get this off my

> chest. I am just waiting for him to give me the go ahead to get

him

> to some kind of doctors assistance.

>

> Becky Beach

> caregiver to Jeff, diag 8/01, recurred 5/03 with liver and abd mets

> (actually pelvic mets)

[Guest guest]

Hi Becky:

I totally agree with Laurie...you must be the one to take action.

When I read your post, my words to you were going to be very similar

to Laurie's with emphasis on explaining to your husband all the pain

and axiety you and your children are going through. Sometimes it

takes drastic measures to get results.

The choices that hubby made not to take any more chemo are his and

his alone to make and must be respected but to leave symptoms

untreated and put the rest of his family through so much pain...this

is where you come in. Sometimes the patient doesn't realize what

caregivers go through and they most be gently but firmly reminded.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers and hope for the best.

Hugs,

Monika

> Hello all,

>

> My husband Jeff, is feeling very bad. He is having hot

> flash's,nausea, sensitivy to smells and weakness in his legs.

> I don't know what to do for him. He won't go to the doctor. I

made

> an appointment for him last week but he waited until late that

night

> to take his MOM(Milk of Magnesia). He needs this to clean himself

out

> as he has so much scar tissue and pelvic tumors that he can't go on

> his own. So on that day he was weak and tired from cleaning out. (I

> know this was an excuse not to go) I told him then that was the 3rd

> time he didn't go to an appointment I set up and that when he was

> ready to go to the doctor then he will make the appointment next

time.

>

> I guess I am just venting. I am watching him progressively get

worse

> and look worse and I feel so helpless. I know that all of this is

in

> God's hands but to watch him give up is tearing me apart. He was

> given nine months from onset of reoccurrence which would mean his

> time is about up on that. I feel like his avoidance is just going

to

> cause him more pain and problems in the future. Has anyone dealt

> with this? How did you handle it? Were you able to convince them

to

> seek doctors aid?

>

> He didn't want to do chemo. He just wanted to enjoy what time he

has

> left and I am worried that his good days are behind him. He is

only

> 41. We have two boys, 3 and 11. I just can't understand his

> lackadaisacal attitude about seeking treatment. The boys and I are

> having to watch and not be able to do anything. He keeps asking me

> what I think is happening. I keep telling him that I am not a

doctor

> and have no idea why he is experiencing these symptoms.

>

>

> Saturday, his kidney stint got stopped up with a blood clot. He

was

> in agony for about 2 hours. I guess kinda like passing a kidney

> stone. He was very weak and sore afterwards. Slept for most of

the

> time. Yesterday afternoon, for no apparent reason, he started

having

> cold chills or shakes, which lasted about 2 hours. He had to set

> right by the heat vent to warm up enough. We took his temperature,

> it was normal. His hands and feet were normal as compared to

mine.

> He slept right after that until about 8 this morning. I just don't

> know what to do and how I can help him. Once he gets to weak to

> protest I will be taking him to ER. But I have heard such horror

> tales about how colon cancer patients are treated in ER's. That

the

> medical staff will attribute everything to his cancer and not try

to

> help him.

>

> What to do? What to do???

>

> Sorry this was so long. Guess I just needed to get this off my

> chest. I am just waiting for him to give me the go ahead to get

him

> to some kind of doctors assistance.

>

> Becky Beach

> caregiver to Jeff, diag 8/01, recurred 5/03 with liver and abd mets

> (actually pelvic mets)

[Guest guest]

Becky: How hard this must be for you and the boys,and a double burden for

you.

I read today that someone thinks a positive attidue really doe not help but

I think it does. Is there any kind of support group whereby someone might come

and visit

you husband? Sometimes when they say 9 months some people think that's the

end.

I will pray that something will change his mind and that by the grace of God

he will

try to reach out and accept help. You are carrying a heavy load. I pray you

will take

care of yourself for both your sake,and the boy's. Don't give up. I don't

have an answer

but we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. hugs to you all Nick & Jane

[Guest guest]

Hello All,

Thank you so much for your support and advice. I took it all!!!

I sat down with him while oldest son was at school and youngest busy

watching cartoons and explained how we felt about watching him go

through this and being unable to help.

He said he hadn't really thought about it affecting us at all, since

he is the one having to deal with the cancer. I told him that we are

all affected, not just him. We feel so helpless when he is in pain,

we feel the brunt of his anger when he is upset and depressed.

He has agreed to go back to his original oncologist. We had changed

oncologists from the first occurrence because we had moved farther

away and felt that the traveling would put an added strain on our

finances. (Like we needed more LOL)

About the symptoms he was having, we called his urologist and he

passed the buck to the oncologist. When we called the oncologist she

passed the buck back to the urologist. That is when I had Had

enough. I called his family doctor (actually nurse practitioner) and

explained what was happening. He told me to get him there for a

urinalysis. Jeff didn't feel up to it. So he put his sample in a

cup here at home and I took it in. They waited for me (because it

was closing time). Tested it, found a pretty bad urinary tract

infection. He then put him on cipro. He is doing much better and

improving every day. Good News!!!!

I still am going to do everything in my power to get him to the onc

next week. He is the kind of person, once he starts feeling better

he changes his mind about going. (Just like a stubborn male LOL)

But, he is going even if I have to hogtie him and drag him there.

Again, thanks so much for all your advice and support. It has

really given me a boost and helped me to be honest with him about

what we were going through. I guess I didn't want to burden him with

our feelings, knowing that he has enough to deal with. But, I am

going to try to be honest with them and keep him going to the onc. so

we can stay on top of things and know when we need hospice, etc...

Thanks so much. Praying for you and your families.

Becky Beach

caregiver to Jeff, diag 8/01, recurred 5/03 with liver and abd mets

[Guest guest]

Hi Becky:

I am so glad to hear that things took a turn for the better. We as

caregivers often feel that the burden of strength is all on our

shoulders and we must not show the cancer patient our weaknesses, our

anxiety, and most importantly, our own fear. But what I've come to

realize is that it's okay to let the person know that you are just as

scared and hurt just as bad, even if in a different way. Many times,

they don't realize it and a little reminder every now and then

doesn't hurt. After all, we feel this way only because we love and

care about them so much. Glad you talked with hubby and I will pray

for continued progress.

Take care.

Monika

> Hello All,

>

> Thank you so much for your support and advice. I took it all!!!

>

> I sat down with him while oldest son was at school and youngest

busy

> watching cartoons and explained how we felt about watching him go

> through this and being unable to help.

>

> He said he hadn't really thought about it affecting us at all,

since

> he is the one having to deal with the cancer. I told him that we

are

> all affected, not just him. We feel so helpless when he is in

pain,

> we feel the brunt of his anger when he is upset and depressed.

>

> He has agreed to go back to his original oncologist. We had

changed

> oncologists from the first occurrence because we had moved farther

> away and felt that the traveling would put an added strain on our

> finances. (Like we needed more LOL)

>

> About the symptoms he was having, we called his urologist and he

> passed the buck to the oncologist. When we called the oncologist

she

> passed the buck back to the urologist. That is when I had Had

> enough. I called his family doctor (actually nurse practitioner)

and

> explained what was happening. He told me to get him there for a

> urinalysis. Jeff didn't feel up to it. So he put his sample in a

> cup here at home and I took it in. They waited for me (because it

> was closing time). Tested it, found a pretty bad urinary tract

> infection. He then put him on cipro. He is doing much better and

> improving every day. Good News!!!!

>

> I still am going to do everything in my power to get him to the onc

> next week. He is the kind of person, once he starts feeling better

> he changes his mind about going. (Just like a stubborn male LOL)

> But, he is going even if I have to hogtie him and drag him there.

>

> Again, thanks so much for all your advice and support. It has

> really given me a boost and helped me to be honest with him about

> what we were going through. I guess I didn't want to burden him

with

> our feelings, knowing that he has enough to deal with. But, I am

> going to try to be honest with them and keep him going to the onc.

so

> we can stay on top of things and know when we need hospice, etc...

>

> Thanks so much. Praying for you and your families.

>

> Becky Beach

> caregiver to Jeff, diag 8/01, recurred 5/03 with liver and abd mets