Re: a and Nickie Re: Strange Attitude re: Doctor ...

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In a message dated 1/5/2004 11:43:29 PM Eastern Standard Time,

laur1e66@... writes:

Sometimes I want to be so positive - that is why I have such difficulty with

her oncologist who is predicting all of this anyway - perhaps in my own way I

just can't accept this all. I mean I know she has Stage 4 colon cancer, but I

was just

starting to feel that the chemo was working and my old mom was coming

back, and now this starts up.

Laurie,

This wasn't addressed to me but I wanted to comment with my experience as a

person with Stage IV disease. When I was diagnosed last December, I was beyond

devastated...I was all of the things you'd expect a person to be who was told

they were dying. I cried from December to at least February when I finally

decided that tho I might be dying, I probably wasn't dying that day so maybe I

ought to quit feeling so sorry for myself and try to enjoy the time I was

here. From then on, I had periods of sadness but my overall outlook was so much

better....right around this time, I also started on chemo and when I later had

a followup CT found out that it was working! I was thrilled...I rocked on

that way through surgery, more chemo, another surgery.

And then sometime in September, my CEA rose 2 or 3 points. Then rose again

and rose again, not by a lot but definitely a consistent rise. The followup CT

in October showed the possibility of lung mets - and I was devastated again.

And this time, in addition to the sadness I realized I also was angry.

Highly pissed off, to tell the truth. It was weird because prior to that time,

I

had experienced my share of sadness but didn't really feel any anger and I

couldn't understand why all of a sudden, I was livid with it...

What I eventually realized is that (not consciously) but underneath it all, I

had started to believe that I might be being healed. That maybe I was one of

the lucky ones who are able to benefit from surgery and chemo and who gets to

live, not just past the 2 yrs. initially predicted but maybe even a " normal "

life span. And I was angry because with the CT results, I had to recognize

yet again that I have a terminal disease and that tho the chemo may work for

awhile (and hopefully a long while) there will probably come a time when it

won't.

Anyway...long story short, I think acceptance of our situation comes in

layers. I don't think we're capable of accepting all at once the enormity of

our

prognosis. I think that God (or whoever you believe) allows us to deal with

the parts we can deal with at first and then gradually as time goes on, we're

able to start to process some of the rest. And I think that the process isn't

linear, at least not for me from what I've discovered so far.

I'm sorry if I rambled on and on, you mentioning acceptance just triggered

this for me...

Your mom and you are in my prayers,

Terry in GA

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/6/2004 8:55:29 PM Eastern Standard Time,

erica259@... writes:

I try not to bring it up a lot because I thnk sometimes if we don't speak of

it, then it loses for that day.. Cancer did not ruin that day... make any

sense?

a c

It does make sense...but if you use that logic then it would mean on a day

that you spoke of cancer, then it would have won. That would suck. Some days,

it has to be spoke of - in terms of the planning, etc. that goes along with

it...or when there are doctor appts., etc. Some days your mom might just want

to say something about it, just to say it. For me, sometimes speaking things

out loud can take the power away from them, power that builds up if things just

ramble around loose in my head.

My other thought is that I'm trying not to look at this whole cancer thing as

a battle because that strategy doesn't really work well for me...I've usually

been more of a quitter in my life time than a stick-it-out-to-the-end kinda

gal and so the warrior mentality doesn't really jibe. A gal on another list

kind of echoed my sentiments once when she said she didn't regard cancer as a

fight but as a journey. My thinking is that for me, it is actually just PART of

a journey. The journey, of course, being my life. And living, of course,

being a part of that story just as dying is (and of course whatever comes

after).

Now I have to ask you - am I making any sense? <g>

Terry in GA

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/7/2004 6:41:07 PM Eastern Standard Time,

erica259@... writes:

see your point about not viewing it as a battle.. but I still can't help but

do so.. its helps me personally to feel proactive.

a

Then you should continue looking at it that way. I hope you didn't think I

meant you should change your thinking! I believe whatever works best for us is

what we need to think.

You are a wonderful daughter, a...I would be so proud if I were your mom;

you are looking after her so well. Please don't think I want you to alter

anything - whatever you're currently doing is working great!

Terry in ga

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/7/2004 4:12:43 PM Eastern Standard Time,

laur1e66@... writes:

This wasn't addressed to me, but I just wanted to say EXACTLY.

It makes perfect sense.

Smiles,

Laurie

Thanks, Laurie...sometimes I'm not so sure. I think chemo has ruined what

little brain cells the 70's didn't damage.

Terry in GA