still here, and an observation

[Guest guest]

Dear Gayze

I am so very sorry for the loss of your cousin. Your whole family must be

devastated. That has to be a very big jolt for your daughter. I do think

they believe everyone they care about will live for ever and I don't think our

vulnerabilities ever enter their minds.

But once again, I am so sorry for you having to lose your cousin so

unexpectedly.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Hello, all,

Have been reading, as always, but very busy lately and I haven't had a

lot of time for email other than that involving a rescue situation I'm

helping with (I do volunteer work for our national breed rescue group

for the Saluki breed and there is currently a dire situation going on

that is requiring a lot of time and attention --

www.stola.org/elektrarescue if anyone is interested in learning

more). Obviously, the recent discussion involving BPs and pets has

been of great interest to me. My BP daughter actually is very good with

our animals for the most part, though has a strange angry fixation on

one of our dogs. She's never shown any inclination to treat her badly

in a physical way, but she goes through periods of snubbing her. The

dog adores her and you can see the emotional hurt in her eyes when

daughter pushes her away. The whole thing started years ago when the

dog killed our hamster, who'd escaped from its cage in the middle of the

night, and daughter has never forgiven her. The fact that the dog was

just following instinct doesn't seem to register to her no matter how we

try to explain. Yet occasionally I'll find her snuggling with the dog

when no one's looking, or giving her treats for tricks, etc. I always

tell the dog to hang on to those rare happy times -- they'll get her

through the angry ones. (I guess we all tell ourselves the same thing

frequently, don't we?)

Daughter has been having a rough time lately. The whole " underlying

fears of abandonment " issues are right on the surface, and (a good

thing!) she is actually talking about them. In early Sept, she's going

to be starting her second year, and what was to be final year for an

associate degree, of college. She also went through similar, but not

openly ... she took it out then in raging and angry hysterics rather

than talking about it ... when she entered her senior year of high

school. She's now saying how afraid she is of graduating, though, and

that they are starting a four year program in her field, and begging us

to let her continue for two more years. I told her that would be fine,

but that she had to approach her advisors and discuss with them what she

needed to do, what scholarships are available to help, etc. She has to

understand that she, not we, is responsible for paying back her loans.

We also have to check on things like insurance and tax laws, as she will

be over 21 before she graduates in that case. She's terrified, though

we told her otherwise, that we might make her leave home and go out on

her own if she graduates college. Although I know a lot of people

recommend doing just that with BPs, I can't bring myself to do it.

Maybe I'm asking for it -- but I see **much** more progress in her if we

can focus on supporting and rewarding every positive step forward rather

than forcing her to face her fears. I can only go by the responses

we've seen in the past, and the progress made ... and examine the steps

taken to make that progress.

She came into our room around 2:30 the other morning, crying softly and

whispering " Mommy? Mommy? " Woke me up and I had her sit and talk -- we

talked till 4:30, with her wanting to be hugged (a *very* rare thing,

normally she shuns physical affection) the whole while. Mostly it was

her talking, telling me about her fears (to hear them is so, so painful

.... these kids of ours go through such awful self-torment inside. What

they do to us is not a tenth of what they do to themselves). Although

nothing I said could really soothe her, I had listened, had not told her

she was being unreasonable (even though to a " normal " mind, she probably

was in a lot of her fears), let her know that although I couldn't truly

understand why she was so afraid, I didn't love her less for it, and I

would do my best to try. It seemed to mean a lot to her that I was

listening without judging, and willing to help her move forward at the

pace that she felt secure with. The only condition I put on her was

that there was in fact positive movement ... I had to see that she was

trying, and as long as I saw that, she could go at her own pace.

Finally around 4:30, though not really less afraid, she seemed to feel

more secure -- she had expressed her fears without being judged -- and I

tucked her back in to bed. Several times since that night she has come

to me for hugs. No words, except for last night when she admitted she

was feeling some of those fears again but just wanted to be hugged for a

minute. Just hugs. In my mind, even that is a milestone.

I know, and she admitted it as well, that in part this has been

triggered by a tragic event in our family. Back in the beginning of

July we had a family reunion (although I'm an only child myself, I have

a very large family -- my dad is one of seven and most of his siblings,

though they are all now dead, had " litters " of kids -- many of my

cousins showed up, people we hadn't seen for many years). In addition

to the reunion, one of my cousins was married here that day, we had the

party on our land. It was a great time, everyone had a ball, and he and

his bride were so, so happy. He didn't stop grinning all day ... it

meant so much to him to have his family with him. He is five years

younger than me. Last week we received word that he had passed away.

Only a little over a month after getting married here. He was taken to

the hospital four days before and all his systems started shutting down

.... he died of kidney failure last Thursday. A horrible shock to all

-- but to my daughter, it was the kindling of terror. Poor kid. She'd

just met him for the first time, watched him get married, and now he's

gone --- and he's her Mom's family and was her Mom's " little " cousin.

The sudden shock that relatively young people can just die at any time

really got her. " What if you die, who's going to take care of me? " She

was so scared ... I'm crying again just remembering.

I know we all love our BPs dearly, and that is why their actions hurt us

so deeply. But hug your kids for me today ... and if they won't allow

you to hug them with your arms, hug them in your hearts.

You and yours are all in my prayers.

--Gayze

[Guest guest]

Gayze,

Aside from the loss of your cousin, a beautiful story.

Your daughter is sharing with you and you are listening! She knows you are

there for her.

I'm sorry it's so hard for bp's to manage loss and change in their lives.

Hopefully it will become easier for your daughter as she expresses her feelings,

Carol

-------------- Original message --------------

> Hello, all,

>

> Have been reading, as always, but very busy lately and I haven't had a

> lot of time for email other than that involving a rescue situation I'm

> helping with (I do volunteer work for our national breed rescue group

> for the Saluki breed and there is currently a dire situation going on

> that is requiring a lot of time and attention --

> www.stola.org/elektrarescue if anyone is interested in learning

> more). Obviously, the recent discussion involving BPs and pets has

> been of great interest to me. My BP daughter actually is very good with

> our animals for the most part, though has a strange angry fixation on

> one of our dogs. She's never shown any inclination to treat her badly

> in a physical way, but she goes through periods of snubbing her. The

> dog adores her and you can see the emotional hurt in her eyes when

> daughter pushes her away. The whole thing started years ago when the

> dog killed our hamster, who'd escaped from its cage in the middle of the

> night, and daughter has never forgiven her. The fact that the dog was

> just following instinct doesn't seem to register to her no matter how we

> try to explain. Yet occasionally I'll find her snuggling with the dog

> when no one's looking, or giving her treats for tricks, etc. I always

> tell the dog to hang on to those rare happy times -- they'll get her

> through the angry ones. (I guess we all tell ourselves the same thing

> frequently, don't we?)

>

> Daughter has been having a rough time lately. The whole " underlying

> fears of abandonment " issues are right on the surface, and (a good

> thing!) she is actually talking about them. In early Sept, she's going

> to be starting her second year, and what was to be final year for an

> associate degree, of college. She also went through similar, but not

> openly ... she took it out then in raging and angry hysterics rather

> than talking about it ... when she entered her senior year of high

> school. She's now saying how afraid she is of graduating, though, and

> that they are starting a four year program in her field, and begging us

> to let her continue for two more years. I told her that would be fine,

> but that she had to approach her advisors and discuss with them what she

> needed to do, what scholarships are available to help, etc. She has to

> understand that she, not we, is responsible for paying back her loans.

> We also have to check on things like insurance and tax laws, as she will

> be over 21 before she graduates in that case. She's terrified, though

> we told her otherwise, that we might make her leave home and go out on

> her own if she graduates college. Although I know a lot of people

> recommend doing just that with BPs, I can't bring myself to do it.

> Maybe I'm asking for it -- but I see **much** more progress in her if we

> can focus on supporting and rewarding every positive step forward rather

> than forcing her to face her fears. I can only go by the responses

> we've seen in the past, and the progress made ... and examine the steps

> taken to make that progress.

>

> She came into our room around 2:30 the other morning, crying softly and

> whispering " Mommy? Mommy? " Woke me up and I had her sit and talk -- we

> talked till 4:30, with her wanting to be hugged (a *very* rare thing,

> normally she shuns physical affection) the whole while. Mostly it was

> her talking, telling me about her fears (to hear them is so, so painful

> ... these kids of ours go through such awful self-torment inside. What

> they do to us is not a tenth of what they do to themselves). Although

> nothing I said could really soothe her, I had listened, had not told her

> she was being unreasonable (even though to a " normal " mind, she probably

> was in a lot of her fears), let her know that although I couldn't truly

> understand why she was so afraid, I didn't love her less for it, and I

> would do my best to try. It seemed to mean a lot to her that I was

> listening without judging, and willing to help her move forward at the

> pace that she felt secure with. The only condition I put on her was

> that there was in fact positive movement ... I had to see that she was

> trying, and as long as I saw that, she could go at her own pace.

> Finally around 4:30, though not really less afraid, she seemed to feel

> more secure -- she had expressed her fears without being judged -- and I

> tucked her back in to bed. Several times since that night she has come

> to me for hugs. No words, except for last night when she admitted she

> was feeling some of those fears again but just wanted to be hugged for a

> minute. Just hugs. In my mind, even that is a milestone.

>

> I know, and she admitted it as well, that in part this has been

> triggered by a tragic event in our family. Back in the beginning of

> July we had a family reunion (although I'm an only child myself, I have

> a very large family -- my dad is one of seven and most of his siblings,

> though they are all now dead, had " litters " of kids -- many of my

> cousins showed up, people we hadn't seen for many years). In addition

> to the reunion, one of my cousins was married here that day, we had the

> party on our land. It was a great time, everyone had a ball, and he and

> his bride were so, so happy. He didn't stop grinning all day ... it

> meant so much to him to have his family with him. He is five years

> younger than me. Last week we received word that he had passed away.

> Only a little over a month after getting married here. He was taken to

> the hospital four days before and all his systems started shutting down

> ... he died of kidney failure last Thursday. A horrible shock to all

> -- but to my daughter, it was the kindling of terror. Poor kid. She'd

> just met him for the first time, watched him get married, and now he's

> gone --- and he's her Mom's family and was her Mom's " little " cousin.

> The sudden shock that relatively young people can just die at any time

> really got her. " What if you die, who's going to take care of me? " She

> was so scared ... I'm crying again just remembering.

>

> I know we all love our BPs dearly, and that is why their actions hurt us

> so deeply. But hug your kids for me today ... and if they won't allow

> you to hug them with your arms, hug them in your hearts.

>

> You and yours are all in my prayers.

>

> --Gayze

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> People joining this list must read the guidelines and agree to them before

> posting. Send questions or concerns to WelcomeToOz-owner .

" Stop

> Walking on Eggshells " , a primer for non-BPs, and " Hope for Parents: Helping

Your

> Borderline Son or Daughter Without Sacrificing Your Family Or Yourself " can be

> ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For table of contents, go to

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>