Re: Husband's of BPD women

[Guest guest]

My father was the same way only he never, ever defended me. Never. I could

see it in his eyes that he knew she was wrong. He never said a word. He

still doesn't. They are still together. He'll stand beside her until he

dies.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, April 5, 2010 8:53:42 PM

Subject: Husband's of BPD women

Â

Hi Everyone, Sorry this is long....tried to get it all in one post.

First, I wanted to say I finally found a new therapist and I like her a

lot. It has been hard to break away from my old one, but made a little easier

with the fact that she was on medical leave for 5 weeks and then went on

vacation to Florida directly after, lol. I didn't have to do a whole lot to

break away and the timing seemed good for me to find someone else. I miss

her, but in time, I know this therapist is more experienced and seems very

nice.

Anyhoo. That really has nothing to do with this post....on topic of BPD...

I was wondering what the personalities of your father's was/is like?

My father was the 'don't make mom mad' type. He never wanted my mother

upset and did everything, including getting me to the side and begging me to

not make waves because it made it harder on HIM and yet did little to NOTHING

to protect me from her. Once in a blue moon he might defend me verbally,

but once she turned around and leveled HIM verbally for defending me, he

always backed off and his defense of me never lasted.

My mom died in 2007 and my dad remarried to a woman completely opposite of

my mother just a few short weeks later.

My mother was extremely intelligent (which was sometimes to my detriment as

it also allowed her to be soooo manipulative) .

She knew a lot about pretty much everything -- legal issues, medical

issues, etc...

My dad used to say he was intimindated by my mother's intelligence and he

was very jealous of men who spoke to her. My mother had been a model at one

time and was really beautiful. Like, she turned heads when she walked in a

room.

My dad's new wife is passive, timid, a little homely (I tried to think of a

way to word that where it wouldn't seem nasty, but whatever), She is very

....umm...not smart. I wouldn't say she's an idiot or anything, but she's

just not well versed in much.

What kills me is that my dad thinks she is so perfect and he has informed

me that he really doesn't want anything to do with me, my sister, or our

kids because " he deserves a life. " I don't know what that means exactly. I

don't think she is BPD and she doesn't seem controlling or phobic like my

mother was, but she has just as many issues on another scale in my opinion. She

is bipolar (which is not my issue with her at all..believe me, I get

mental health probs.), her son committed suicide 2 years ago (which was not her

fault, but someone cannot possibly come out of that unscathed), she was

horribly abused as a child (as was I and NOPE, didn't come out unscathed), and

she has 2 daughters and a son that didn't turn out too well.

My father is now supporting one of his wife's GROWN daughters and her

grandson (who lives with them). Yet he is 'living his life' and I am not to be a

part of it apparently. He is constantly disappointing me. Anytime I talk

to him, I walk away feeling like I am orphaned and dont really have any

parents at all. His new wife makes NO effort to get to know me or my sister and

frankly, although I don't find her to be very book smart, I feel like she

is manipulative in her own way.

My dad has made comments about her children (who are my age, my sister's

age, and in between). Snide remarks about how " is so smart and

loves her mother so much and is this and is that. " It

makes me want to throw up.

Am I jealous?

Well, maybe. But he didn't do anything to protect me as a child and he

completely abandons me as an adult too. He doesn't spend any time with my kids

and he has no interest in my sister's kids.

We got into an argument yesterday and I told him he was half responsible

for me having DID because he did nothing to stop it. He told me my mother

was responsible and he couldn't have ever gotten custody of me because she

would have fought him and 'you know how manipulative she was'...'she would

have beaten me in any court.'

And you know, he may be right, but he could have TRIED. Had he fought for

me, gone to court, gotten a lawyer, tried to get me out of that house and

LOST, I wouldn't have near the anomosity for him now that I do. I would at

least know he tried and he cared.

(

[Guest guest]

I totally relate to your story. Your father and his comments about

wanting to have his life. My mother has made similar comments that came about

when she actually talked about life with my BPD father. Like she felt now that

he was gone she could exhale and have a life, even to the point of going into

denial about how it had affected me. It's almost as though now that they are

gone we are supposed to " get over it " . It makes me feel guilty to say or ask

anything from the past because, after all, she lived with it for all those

years. But where is the responsibility to help heal what they didn't protect in

the first place?

>

> Hi Everyone, Sorry this is long....tried to get it all in one post.

>

> First, I wanted to say I finally found a new therapist and I like her a

> lot. It has been hard to break away from my old one, but made a little easier

> with the fact that she was on medical leave for 5 weeks and then went on

> vacation to Florida directly after, lol. I didn't have to do a whole lot to

> break away and the timing seemed good for me to find someone else. I miss

> her, but in time, I know this therapist is more experienced and seems very

> nice.

>

> Anyhoo. That really has nothing to do with this post....on topic of BPD...

> I was wondering what the personalities of your father's was/is like?

>

> My father was the 'don't make mom mad' type. He never wanted my mother

> upset and did everything, including getting me to the side and begging me to

> not make waves because it made it harder on HIM and yet did little to NOTHING

> to protect me from her. Once in a blue moon he might defend me verbally,

> but once she turned around and leveled HIM verbally for defending me, he

> always backed off and his defense of me never lasted.

>

> My mom died in 2007 and my dad remarried to a woman completely opposite of

> my mother just a few short weeks later.

> My mother was extremely intelligent (which was sometimes to my detriment as

> it also allowed her to be soooo manipulative).

> She knew a lot about pretty much everything -- legal issues, medical

> issues, etc...

> My dad used to say he was intimindated by my mother's intelligence and he

> was very jealous of men who spoke to her. My mother had been a model at one

> time and was really beautiful. Like, she turned heads when she walked in a

> room.

>

> My dad's new wife is passive, timid, a little homely (I tried to think of a

> way to word that where it wouldn't seem nasty, but whatever), She is very

> ...umm...not smart. I wouldn't say she's an idiot or anything, but she's

> just not well versed in much.

>

> What kills me is that my dad thinks she is so perfect and he has informed

> me that he really doesn't want anything to do with me, my sister, or our

> kids because " he deserves a life. " I don't know what that means exactly. I

> don't think she is BPD and she doesn't seem controlling or phobic like my

> mother was, but she has just as many issues on another scale in my opinion.

She

> is bipolar (which is not my issue with her at all..believe me, I get

> mental health probs.), her son committed suicide 2 years ago (which was not

her

> fault, but someone cannot possibly come out of that unscathed), she was

> horribly abused as a child (as was I and NOPE, didn't come out unscathed),

and

> she has 2 daughters and a son that didn't turn out too well.

>

> My father is now supporting one of his wife's GROWN daughters and her

> grandson (who lives with them). Yet he is 'living his life' and I am not to be

a

> part of it apparently. He is constantly disappointing me. Anytime I talk

> to him, I walk away feeling like I am orphaned and dont really have any

> parents at all. His new wife makes NO effort to get to know me or my sister

and

> frankly, although I don't find her to be very book smart, I feel like she

> is manipulative in her own way.

>

> My dad has made comments about her children (who are my age, my sister's

> age, and in between). Snide remarks about how " is so smart and

> loves her mother so much and is this and is that. "

It

> makes me want to throw up.

> Am I jealous?

> Well, maybe. But he didn't do anything to protect me as a child and he

> completely abandons me as an adult too. He doesn't spend any time with my kids

> and he has no interest in my sister's kids.

>

> We got into an argument yesterday and I told him he was half responsible

> for me having DID because he did nothing to stop it. He told me my mother

> was responsible and he couldn't have ever gotten custody of me because she

> would have fought him and 'you know how manipulative she was'...'she would

> have beaten me in any court.'

>

> And you know, he may be right, but he could have TRIED. Had he fought for

> me, gone to court, gotten a lawyer, tried to get me out of that house and

> LOST, I wouldn't have near the anomosity for him now that I do. I would at

> least know he tried and he cared.

>

> (

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Agreed, Carol...I can see my mom doing the same thing whenever my BP fada

dies. While I don't wish him to die or anything, I think that will be the

only time when I will really get a chance to talk to my nada again. Haha,

it must be a false hope that I keep having. I keep hoping that my fada will

suddenly come to his senses, or become well enough to apologize and have

some semblance of normality of a relationship with me, so he'd let me talk

with my little siblings again. But seeing as he's not going to therapy of

any sort, that's not going to happen...

still, the little spark of hope is there, though logic and rationality says

it's not going to happen.

~Holly

On Tue, Apr 6, 2010 at 12:21 AM, carolwhite398 wrote:

>

>

>

> I totally relate to your story. Your father and his comments about

> wanting to have his life. My mother has made similar comments that came

> about when she actually talked about life with my BPD father. Like she felt

> now that he was gone she could exhale and have a life, even to the point of

> going into denial about how it had affected me. It's almost as though now

> that they are gone we are supposed to " get over it " . It makes me feel guilty

> to say or ask anything from the past because, after all, she lived with it

> for all those years. But where is the responsibility to help heal what they

> didn't protect in the first place?

>

>

> >

> > Hi Everyone, Sorry this is long....tried to get it all in one post.

> >

> > First, I wanted to say I finally found a new therapist and I like her a

> > lot. It has been hard to break away from my old one, but made a little

> easier

> > with the fact that she was on medical leave for 5 weeks and then went on

> > vacation to Florida directly after, lol. I didn't have to do a whole lot

> to

> > break away and the timing seemed good for me to find someone else. I miss

>

> > her, but in time, I know this therapist is more experienced and seems

> very

> > nice.

>

> >

> > Anyhoo. That really has nothing to do with this post....on topic of

> BPD...

> > I was wondering what the personalities of your father's was/is like?

> >

> > My father was the 'don't make mom mad' type. He never wanted my mother

> > upset and did everything, including getting me to the side and begging me

> to

> > not make waves because it made it harder on HIM and yet did little to

> NOTHING

> > to protect me from her. Once in a blue moon he might defend me verbally,

> > but once she turned around and leveled HIM verbally for defending me, he

> > always backed off and his defense of me never lasted.

> >

> > My mom died in 2007 and my dad remarried to a woman completely opposite

> of

> > my mother just a few short weeks later.

> > My mother was extremely intelligent (which was sometimes to my detriment

> as

> > it also allowed her to be soooo manipulative).

> > She knew a lot about pretty much everything -- legal issues, medical

> > issues, etc...

> > My dad used to say he was intimindated by my mother's intelligence and he

>

> > was very jealous of men who spoke to her. My mother had been a model at

> one

> > time and was really beautiful. Like, she turned heads when she walked in

> a

> > room.

> >

> > My dad's new wife is passive, timid, a little homely (I tried to think of

> a

> > way to word that where it wouldn't seem nasty, but whatever), She is very

>

> > ...umm...not smart. I wouldn't say she's an idiot or anything, but she's

> > just not well versed in much.

> >

> > What kills me is that my dad thinks she is so perfect and he has informed

>

> > me that he really doesn't want anything to do with me, my sister, or our

> > kids because " he deserves a life. " I don't know what that means exactly.

> I

> > don't think she is BPD and she doesn't seem controlling or phobic like my

>

> > mother was, but she has just as many issues on another scale in my

> opinion. She

> > is bipolar (which is not my issue with her at all..believe me, I get

> > mental health probs.), her son committed suicide 2 years ago (which was

> not her

> > fault, but someone cannot possibly come out of that unscathed), she was

> > horribly abused as a child (as was I and NOPE, didn't come out

> unscathed), and

> > she has 2 daughters and a son that didn't turn out too well.

> >

> > My father is now supporting one of his wife's GROWN daughters and her

> > grandson (who lives with them). Yet he is 'living his life' and I am not

> to be a

> > part of it apparently. He is constantly disappointing me. Anytime I talk

> > to him, I walk away feeling like I am orphaned and dont really have any

> > parents at all. His new wife makes NO effort to get to know me or my

> sister and

> > frankly, although I don't find her to be very book smart, I feel like she

>

> > is manipulative in her own way.

> >

> > My dad has made comments about her children (who are my age, my sister's

> > age, and in between). Snide remarks about how " is so smart and

> > loves her mother so much and is this and is

> that. " It

> > makes me want to throw up.

> > Am I jealous?

> > Well, maybe. But he didn't do anything to protect me as a child and he

> > completely abandons me as an adult too. He doesn't spend any time with my

> kids

> > and he has no interest in my sister's kids.

> >

> > We got into an argument yesterday and I told him he was half responsible

> > for me having DID because he did nothing to stop it. He told me my mother

>

> > was responsible and he couldn't have ever gotten custody of me because

> she

> > would have fought him and 'you know how manipulative she was'...'she

> would

> > have beaten me in any court.'

> >

> > And you know, he may be right, but he could have TRIED. Had he fought for

>

> > me, gone to court, gotten a lawyer, tried to get me out of that house and

>

> > LOST, I wouldn't have near the anomosity for him now that I do. I would

> at

> > least know he tried and he cared.

> >

> > (

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

That's exactly what my father did when my mother was dying. It was so hard

for me to communicate with her without exploding through the phone and

raging at her. I don't know how many of you all have had a dying BPD parent,

but let me just warn you...when they do have a terminal illness (like my

mother had emphysema), they get sooooo much worse in the victim and 'feel sorry

for me' department. By the time my mother got sick, I no longer had

sympathy for her. She had faked illnesses and claimed she was dying and going

to

commit suicide so many times that I was done with her!

I do feel some guilt. I can't bring myself to call my mother a 'nada.' I

guess I still have some jacked up loyalty towards her, even in her death. She

was my mother. Now that she's gone, the hope of ever having a normal

parent is gone. My head knows my mother never would have been normal, but I

would love to be able to say to her, " this is the disorder you have. It IS

treatable. " Oh, I'm sure she would have told me " those therapists you're

seeing don't know anything. I'm not the crazy one! " But she's not here, so I

can make it up in my head how I would want it to go. I would want her to say,

" , I am so so sorry. I will be there for you from now. I will be a

real mother. I'll stop being narcisstic. I'll stop being overly dramatic and

phobic. I'll come to your house and be a real mother. "

I'm sure that sounds juvenile, but that would alter my childhood somehow in

my mind.

In a message dated 4/6/2010 7:58:38 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

Hi , I think we had the same fada !! and I know our nadas were very

much the same as well...My fada is very intelligent, as is nada...but he

is

a total wimp...she ran the whole show...he was her yes man...he supported

her no matter what...he never once tried to defend his kids or protect us

in

any way. He always said WE were the ones who were at fault, and WE needed

to let nada have her way and WE should always do what she says so she

wouldn't get mad...he said it was easier to give in then to

fight..sometimes

fada even threw us to the wolves...when nada would be angry with him and

yelling at him, he'd point out something one of us kids did ( even a past

offence) to get nada off his back, and back mad at on of the kids...and

now,

in their old age, they wonder why none of us wants to visit them, none of

us wants to call them...

Jackie

Hi Everyone, Sorry this is long....tried to get it all in one post.

First, I wanted to say I finally found a new therapist and I like her a

lot. It has been hard to break away from my old one, but made a little

easier

with the fact that she was on medical leave for 5 weeks and then went on

vacation to Florida directly after, lol. I didn't have to do a whole lot to

break away and the timing seemed good for me to find someone else. I miss

her, but in time, I know this therapist is more experienced and seems very

nice.

Anyhoo. That really has nothing to do with this post....on topic of BPD...

I was wondering what the personalities of your father's was/is like?

My father was the 'don't make mom mad' type. He never wanted my mother

upset and did everything, including getting me to the side and begging me

to

not make waves because it made it harder on HIM and yet did little to

NOTHING

to protect me from her. Once in a blue moon he might defend me verbally,

but once she turned around and leveled HIM verbally for defending me, he

always backed off and his defense of me never lasted.

My mom died in 2007 and my dad remarried to a woman completely opposite of

my mother just a few short weeks later.

My mother was extremely intelligent (which was sometimes to my detriment as

it also allowed her to be soooo manipulative)i

She knew a lot about pretty much everything -- legal issues, medical

issues, etc...

My dad used to say he was intimindated by my mother's intelligence and he

was very jealous of men who spoke to her. My mother had been a model at one

time and was really beautiful. Like, she turned heads when she walked in a

room.

My dad's new wife is passive, timid, a little homely (I tried to think of a

way to word that where it wouldn't seem nasty, but whatever), She is very

....umm...not smart. I wouldn't say she's an idiot or anything, but she's

just not well versed in much.

What kills me is that my dad thinks she is so perfect and he has informed

me that he really doesn't want anything to do with me, my sister, or our

kids because " he deserves a life. " I don't know what that means exactly. I

don't think she is BPD and she doesn't seem controlling or phobic like my

mother was, but she has just as many issues on another scale in my

opinion.

She

is bipolar (which is not my issue with her at all..believe me, I get

mental health probs.), her son committed suicide 2 years ago (which was

not

her

fault, but someone cannot possibly come out of that unscathed), she was

horribly abused as a child (as was I and NOPE, didn't come out unscathed),

and

she has 2 daughters and a son that didn't turn out too well.

My father is now supporting one of his wife's GROWN daughters and her

grandson (who lives with them). Yet he is 'living his life' and I am not

to

be a

part of it apparently. He is constantly disappointing me. Anytime I talk

to him, I walk away feeling like I am orphaned and dont really have any

parents at all. His new wife makes NO effort to get to know me or my

sister

and

frankly, although I don't find her to be very book smart, I feel like she

is manipulative in her own way.

My dad has made comments about her children (who are my age, my sister's

age, and in between). Snide remarks about how " is so smart and

loves her mother so much and is this and is

that. " It

makes me want to throw up.

Am I jealous?

Well, maybe. But he didn't do anything to protect me as a child and he

completely abandons me as an adult too. He doesn't spend any time with my

kids

and he has no interest in my sister's kids.

We got into an argument yesterday and I told him he was half responsible

for me having DID because he did nothing to stop it. He told me my mother

was responsible and he couldn't have ever gotten custody of me because she

would have fought him and 'you know how manipulative she was'...'she would

have beaten me in any court.'

And you know, he may be right, but he could have TRIED. Had he fought for

me, gone to court, gotten a lawyer, tried to get me out of that house and

LOST, I wouldn't have near the anomosity for him now that I do. I would at

least know he tried and he cared.

(

[Guest guest]

Hi , I think we had the same fada !! and I know our nadas were very

much the same as well...My fada is very intelligent, as is nada...but he is

a total wimp...she ran the whole show...he was her yes man...he supported

her no matter what...he never once tried to defend his kids or protect us in

any way. He always said WE were the ones who were at fault, and WE needed

to let nada have her way and WE should always do what she says so she

wouldn't get mad...he said it was easier to give in then to fight..sometimes

fada even threw us to the wolves...when nada would be angry with him and

yelling at him, he'd point out something one of us kids did ( even a past

offence) to get nada off his back, and back mad at on of the kids...and now,

in their old age, they wonder why none of us wants to visit them, none of

us wants to call them...

Jackie

Hi Everyone, Sorry this is long....tried to get it all in one post.

First, I wanted to say I finally found a new therapist and I like her a

lot. It has been hard to break away from my old one, but made a little

easier

with the fact that she was on medical leave for 5 weeks and then went on

vacation to Florida directly after, lol. I didn't have to do a whole lot to

break away and the timing seemed good for me to find someone else. I miss

her, but in time, I know this therapist is more experienced and seems very

nice.

Anyhoo. That really has nothing to do with this post....on topic of BPD...

I was wondering what the personalities of your father's was/is like?

My father was the 'don't make mom mad' type. He never wanted my mother

upset and did everything, including getting me to the side and begging me to

not make waves because it made it harder on HIM and yet did little to

NOTHING

to protect me from her. Once in a blue moon he might defend me verbally,

but once she turned around and leveled HIM verbally for defending me, he

always backed off and his defense of me never lasted.

My mom died in 2007 and my dad remarried to a woman completely opposite of

my mother just a few short weeks later.

My mother was extremely intelligent (which was sometimes to my detriment as

it also allowed her to be soooo manipulative).

She knew a lot about pretty much everything -- legal issues, medical

issues, etc...

My dad used to say he was intimindated by my mother's intelligence and he

was very jealous of men who spoke to her. My mother had been a model at one

time and was really beautiful. Like, she turned heads when she walked in a

room.

My dad's new wife is passive, timid, a little homely (I tried to think of a

way to word that where it wouldn't seem nasty, but whatever), She is very

....umm...not smart. I wouldn't say she's an idiot or anything, but she's

just not well versed in much.

What kills me is that my dad thinks she is so perfect and he has informed

me that he really doesn't want anything to do with me, my sister, or our

kids because " he deserves a life. " I don't know what that means exactly. I

don't think she is BPD and she doesn't seem controlling or phobic like my

mother was, but she has just as many issues on another scale in my opinion.

She

is bipolar (which is not my issue with her at all..believe me, I get

mental health probs.), her son committed suicide 2 years ago (which was not

her

fault, but someone cannot possibly come out of that unscathed), she was

horribly abused as a child (as was I and NOPE, didn't come out unscathed),

and

she has 2 daughters and a son that didn't turn out too well.

My father is now supporting one of his wife's GROWN daughters and her

grandson (who lives with them). Yet he is 'living his life' and I am not to

be a

part of it apparently. He is constantly disappointing me. Anytime I talk

to him, I walk away feeling like I am orphaned and dont really have any

parents at all. His new wife makes NO effort to get to know me or my sister

and

frankly, although I don't find her to be very book smart, I feel like she

is manipulative in her own way.

My dad has made comments about her children (who are my age, my sister's

age, and in between). Snide remarks about how " is so smart and

loves her mother so much and is this and is

that. " It

makes me want to throw up.

Am I jealous?

Well, maybe. But he didn't do anything to protect me as a child and he

completely abandons me as an adult too. He doesn't spend any time with my

kids

and he has no interest in my sister's kids.

We got into an argument yesterday and I told him he was half responsible

for me having DID because he did nothing to stop it. He told me my mother

was responsible and he couldn't have ever gotten custody of me because she

would have fought him and 'you know how manipulative she was'...'she would

have beaten me in any court.'

And you know, he may be right, but he could have TRIED. Had he fought for

me, gone to court, gotten a lawyer, tried to get me out of that house and

LOST, I wouldn't have near the anomosity for him now that I do. I would at

least know he tried and he cared.

(

[Guest guest]

,

I'm glad to hear that things are going well with your new

therapist.

My father is an expert at denial. He does his best not to see

things that he really doesn't want to see. For too many years he

didn't want to see that my nada's behavior was not normal. She

saved the worst of her abusive behavior for when he wasn't

there, but things like insisting that I eat food that made me

sick happened with him there and I can't remember him saying

much of anything about it. He always seemed to accept her

explanations of why she was doing things the way she did. Once

she decided that we'd all insulted her cooking one time too many

and stopped cooking my father did the cooking and meals got more

edible, if much plainer. He didn't seem to see anything odd

about her sudden refusal to do the cooking that she'd always

claimed she wanted to be doing. He never admitted that there was

a problem with her until she put me in the position of telling

him that she was having an affair when I was 16. Since she'd

told me that herself and I'd met the man in question, he

couldn't very well tell me that it wasn't happening and telling

himself it wasn't true wouldn't have worked well either by that

time. Even as he was doing what was necessary to get her out of

our house and divorce her, I think he was still in love with his

false image of who she was. I think he hoped that if he

pretended she was normal and loved him, that that would somehow

make it true.

Much of the time, denial did seem to work for him. although not

necessarily for those around him. After my mother was gone, my

father refused to see that my brother was using drugs despite

the obvious evidence that he was. When my brother got caught

with a hash pipe at school my father managed to convince the

school that he'd found the pipe on the way to the bus stop that

morning and didn't realize what it was so my brother didn't get

punished beyond a couple of days of being suspended until the

school officials met with our father.

Several years after he divorced my nada, he married a woman who

was just beastly to me, my brother and her own kids. The more I

tried to be friendly towards her, the worse she acted. Most of

twenty years later I found out that she was on medication for

depression and paranoia and had been taking pretty much the same

dosage of medication for years and years without any kind of

evaluation of how well it was working. When her father died and

she went off the deep end, my father and her children forced her

to get an evaluation and make changes in her medication. Now she

is reasonably nice to me. My father definitely didn't stand up

to her when she mistreated me though. When he first married her,

I was still living with him when I was home from college. He

sold the house I grew up in and they bought one together. A few

days after moving there she threw my dog down the basement

steps. She'd decided that the dog wasn't allowed in the rest of

the house despite the fact that my father said otherwise. He

didn't defend me or the dog. I repacked the things I'd unpacked

and moved out with my dog and cats. A couple of friends who knew

I was having issues at home had told me I could rent their

basement rooms for what they figured the additional cost of the

utilities would be with me there and I took them up on their

offer for the rest of that summer. My father didn't ask me where

I was going for about three weeks. I'm pretty sure he was trying

to deny the fact that I was moving out of his new house rather

than moving in. For all the years that he's been married to my

step-mother, he's pretty much never been allowed to visit me

when he could be spending time with her. The only years when we

were allowed to spend much time together were the years after he

retired but before she retired. Even then he had to be home by

the time she got home from work. I think dealing with my nada

taught him that he had to do whatever his wife wanted if he

wanted to keep her. He's kept her but he's certainly damaged his

relationship with his children in the process. He's still

refusing to see much of what's wrong about his family.

I was lucky that my nada didn't make any attempt to get custody

of my brother and I. I don't think it would have worked since my

father was divorcing her with cause and had evidence of her

misbehavior and at 16 the judge would almost certainly have

listened to what I wanted, but it would have been a nasty fight

if she'd decided to fight.

At 08:53 PM 04/05/2010 Hummingbird1298@... wrote:

>Hi Everyone, Sorry this is long....tried to get it all in

>one post.

>

>First, I wanted to say I finally found a new therapist and I

>like her a

>lot. It has been hard to break away from my old one, but made a

>little easier

>with the fact that she was on medical leave for 5 weeks and

>then went on

>vacation to Florida directly after, lol. I didn't have to do a

>whole lot to

>break away and the timing seemed good for me to find someone

>else. I miss

>her, but in time, I know this therapist is more experienced and

>seems very

>nice.

>

>Anyhoo. That really has nothing to do with this post....on

>topic of BPD...

>I was wondering what the personalities of your father's was/is

>like?

>

>My father was the 'don't make mom mad' type. He never wanted my

>mother

>upset and did everything, including getting me to the side and

>begging me to

>not make waves because it made it harder on HIM and yet did

>little to NOTHING

>to protect me from her. Once in a blue moon he might defend me

>verbally,

>but once she turned around and leveled HIM verbally for

>defending me, he

>always backed off and his defense of me never lasted.

>

>My mom died in 2007 and my dad remarried to a woman completely

>opposite of

>my mother just a few short weeks later.

>My mother was extremely intelligent (which was sometimes to my

>detriment as

> it also allowed her to be soooo manipulative).

>She knew a lot about pretty much everything -- legal issues,

>medical

>issues, etc...

>My dad used to say he was intimindated by my mother's

>intelligence and he

>was very jealous of men who spoke to her. My mother had been a

>model at one

>time and was really beautiful. Like, she turned heads when she

>walked in a

>room.

>

>My dad's new wife is passive, timid, a little homely (I tried

>to think of a

> way to word that where it wouldn't seem nasty, but whatever),

> She is very

>...umm...not smart. I wouldn't say she's an idiot or anything,

>but she's

>just not well versed in much.

>

>What kills me is that my dad thinks she is so perfect and he

>has informed

>me that he really doesn't want anything to do with me, my

>sister, or our

>kids because " he deserves a life. " I don't know what that

>means exactly. I

>don't think she is BPD and she doesn't seem controlling or

>phobic like my

>mother was, but she has just as many issues on another scale

>in my opinion. She

>is bipolar (which is not my issue with her at all..believe me,

>I get

>mental health probs.), her son committed suicide 2 years ago

>(which was not her

>fault, but someone cannot possibly come out of that

>unscathed), she was

>horribly abused as a child (as was I and NOPE, didn't come out

>unscathed), and

>she has 2 daughters and a son that didn't turn out too well.

>

>My father is now supporting one of his wife's GROWN daughters

>and her

>grandson (who lives with them). Yet he is 'living his life' and

>I am not to be a

> part of it apparently. He is constantly disappointing me.

> Anytime I talk

>to him, I walk away feeling like I am orphaned and dont really

>have any

>parents at all. His new wife makes NO effort to get to know me

>or my sister and

>frankly, although I don't find her to be very book smart, I

>feel like she

>is manipulative in her own way.

>

>My dad has made comments about her children (who are my age, my

>sister's

>age, and in between). Snide remarks about how " is so

>smart and

> loves her mother so much and is this and

> is that. " It

>makes me want to throw up.

>Am I jealous?

>Well, maybe. But he didn't do anything to protect me as a child

>and he

>completely abandons me as an adult too. He doesn't spend any

>time with my kids

>and he has no interest in my sister's kids.

>

>We got into an argument yesterday and I told him he was half

>responsible

>for me having DID because he did nothing to stop it. He told

>me my mother

>was responsible and he couldn't have ever gotten custody of me

>because she

>would have fought him and 'you know how manipulative she

>was'...'she would

>have beaten me in any court.'

>

>And you know, he may be right, but he could have TRIED. Had he

>fought for

>me, gone to court, gotten a lawyer, tried to get me out of that

>house and

>LOST, I wouldn't have near the anomosity for him now that I

>do. I would at

>least know he tried and he cared.

>

>(

>

>

--

Katrina