RE: adult child w/bpd

[Guest guest]

Kelley

You certainly don't have it any better than the rest of us, do you? You

always sound so chipper and upbeat, I would have never known what you've been

going thru. I'm sorry.

The one good thing, you sound like you have your head on straight. It's good

that you don't buy into his blame. He sounds a little like my daughter's

husband. I am sure this kid has something wrong with him other than being an

idiot. If I wasn't personally involved, I can honestly say I know the kid has

problems. But the fact that he never goes to his court ordered counseling isn't

helping him. I don't know how 2 needy, emotionally unstable people are going

to keep a relatoionship going.

But I am sure you will do what you have to do to keep yourself sane. How

long have you been married to him? Maybe if he knows you're not putting up with

him without him going to counseling, he will do what needs to be done.

Does he only get paid when he shows up for work or by the job? I know most

contractor's get paid when the job is done.

Keep your chin up, Kelley. I don't mean this to sound callous, but if he

can't get it together, you can probably do better. You deserve a good life.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Jean

My husband started to turn around a year ago January, when he went absoulutely

berserk. He was so positive I was having affairs with people at work that he

had all but gotten me fired. The raging was at an all time high, and was

senseless. I came home from work one day early because he kept calling me and

raging at me and the utility companies started calling me about changing the

utilities to his name. So I went home to grab my pets and some clothes as I had

had enough. Things got worse and worse, I had to call teh police to get out, he

told them he was trying to make me leave LOL. After a week or so when I was

there getting a carload of stuff, he broke down in the back yard crying. This

was after almost having to have his mother arrested for attacking me in front of

a police officer! Long story too many details. He agreed to therapy, things

were better for awhile but he never went to therapy. Things slowly got out of

control again towards fall, October to be exact of this year, but we had moved

to a new city and the police always make him leave when I call. The last rage

in October I had a protective order filed meaning he could not even come home.

In order to close the order he had to agree to a contract which he does not

really stick to, and therapy which he has only been to randomaly.

The other thing that has his head turned is his son's behavior. At only 6 all

he sees is himself so long ago and he does not want his son to be like him.

We have a lot of ups and downs, and a long way to go.

Kelley

Re: Re: adult child w/bpd

Kelley

What made your husband start to turn his life around? Has he admitted that

he definitely

has a problem? Does he go to counseling?

I was just reading about the children of bps and how the parents emotionally

abuse them and undermine their self esteem. I just keep getting more and more

worried about the boys and I guess the baby doesn't have much to look forward

to either.

I would just like to call her up and ask her how she can do this to these

kids. I was the only escape from her they had.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Jean

who knows what she is thinking, but when she runs out of money she will be all

over him to produce some, perhaps he will rob someone for it and go back to

jail!

Either way its a dead end for her. She will exhaust all her options.

Hugs

Kelley

Re: Re: adult child w/bpd

Kelley

Well my son told me the prosecuting attorney told him that my daughter had

hired one of the most expensive defense attorneys there is in the state. It's

rediculous because for this charge, a public defender could probably do the

same.

My office manager told me he has not seen in the office in months and

she has no listings or sales and he is going to have to let her go if she

doesn't return his calls. He says he has been more than fair with her. I

told

him to please do what he has to do; that I will understand. So, I know she is

not earning any money, but blowing what she had on an attorney----all so he

won't spend another (maybe) six months in jail. Why?

Jean

[Guest guest]

Jean

That is a hard one to answer. We have been having a similar conversation on

another group, about or BPD partners needing to be busy or they get into

trouble. The problem is they have to control thier own busy so if they dont

fill up their time with soemthing worthwhile then what do they do? the fall

back to addictive behaviors such as drinking or drug abuse. Then those

addictive behaviors drive their lives perhaps. When instead of when we are

bored we find something to do. The BPD just agonizes over what to do. Those

emotions are running round thier heads in bits and peices and so the natural

thing to do to quiet them is to drink or do drugs for some. For others its to

blame the current relationship and run find a new one. which as you pointed out

still isnt working for your ex husband. Instead of finding the problem of whats

causing the black hole inside them they try to fill it with things that just

wont fill it. Its really not a black hole it is a missing identity.

Kelley

Re: Re: adult child w/bpd

Kelley & Others

I have to throw this out there, because I do nothing when i'm driving but

analyze this situation.

Last winter (2004), I was in the car with my daughter, when she started

throwing a tantrum.

Now this was 5 months after having moved into her new house that she had

taken 3 years to get. The house she " soo " wanted that she never even finished

fully unpacking. Never even decorated (and she always decorated for all the

holidays). She just started screaming at me that she was soooo bored with her

life

that she couldn't stand it anymore. Then she started driving like a nut and I

told her to let me and out of the car, which she did. She then said

she was bored with her life and hated it so much that I would be raising the

kids because she was going to drive off and kill herself. So, once

and I were in my driveway I told her to have a nice time and I went in the

house.

She then screeched her tires, peeled out (30yrs old, right) and came back 1/2

hr later alive!! In March of 2004, she took up with dirtbag and all the

chaos began.

My point here is that do borderlines get so bored when things are going well,

or what the rest of us see as just a normal life, that they have to in some

way create chaos and screw everything up? Are they exhilarated from creating

chaos and misery?

My ex husband did something similar. After my son was born, my ex told me he

was leaving me because he was bored. He said he had a wife, 2 kids, 2 cars,

a new house, a great job, etc, but he felt there must be something else out

there. So, he left. I got the kids, house, new car, and the dog, and most of

his income for the next 18 years. He got an apartment. He now just divorced

wife # 4 after having gotten it all back again. Had a gorgeous house in

Potomac MD, 2 other children, the dog, the cars, he was vice pres of a

consulting

company. He now once again lives in a small apartment and this family is a

mess. He's 60 and has never learned.

Is there something in this disease that says, " if I don't create turmoil and

make a mess of my life then I'm BORED " ?

Jean

[Guest guest]

He was diagnosed with many things over the course of his life. As a teenager he

was uncontrollable and I dont know that a diagnoses was given but he spent time

locked up in a facility and came out on lithium i think it was, said he was a

zombie. the next diagnosis was made when he wanted to join the Navy, and they

turned him down because a psychological test showed him to be anti social. That

of course didnt help him any but made him worse. The next diagnosis was BPD and

made by a prison psychiatrist. I only know abou tthat one because the

psychiatrist wrote to his mother when he was released to get her to encourage

him to seek treatment. At one other time someone diagnosed him with multiple

personalities, which he does not have it jsut seems like he is more than one

person.

He admits to 7 of the 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD. I don't deal with it

anymore. I go0t tired of being abused and woke up one day to say what the hell

is going on here and why am I letting this happen. I have been steadily

learning how to take my life back from him. Setting boundaries and refusing to

participate in the drama. Its hard work and it actually causes things to be

worse. If he doesnt get back to therapy soon I wont stay. He knows that and it

is up to him to deal with his illness.

His work is subcontract work in construction. He messes it up all the time, not

the actual work but the working relationships. He gets all high and mighty and

thinks he will hire people to train and help him, then something goes wrong,

then he doesnt pay them then he gets threatented and ruins our finances catching

up. I wont put up with that much longer either.

I keep reading reading and understanding the illness, and learning

everyday how I help him to act out badly. I also do not let him make me

responsible for his behavior any more. Nor will I sit here and listen to his

crap, like yesterday he did not go to work because it was going to rain all day

long, I told him the rain was gone early in the morning and we were not expected

to have any more till evening, he didnt listen, and made the weather an excuse,

I said bull crap, you didnt want to go to work so say that out loud! He tried

this same thing this morning, he said its still raining leave me alone, i said

it has not been raining since way before 4 AM this morning when your alarm went

off, if you bothered to get up and check you would have seen that and been on

your way to work!

We are not having a good week here, but I am not going to let it bother me. If

the phone and internet and electricity gets cut off I will go stay with my best

friend till it gets turned back on but I will not participate in his ruining

things!

Hugs

Kelley

Re: Re: adult child w/bpd

Kelley

Has he been diagnosed as bp? I know you said in one of your posts that he

has some other strong personality disorder traits. Does his work and other

aspects of his life seem affected by the disorder like so many of our

daughters?

How do you handle it?

Jean