RE: adult child w/bpd

[Guest guest]

How old are your grandson and granddaughter? Are either of them old enough

to see you on their own without her permission? How did she behave toward you

during those 4 years since counseling? Hpw long did she stay with the

counseling and was there any improvements or was everything with her just pushed

under

the carpet so to speak? If this behavior is a pattern with her, I am

assuming she'll come out of it, and resume her relationship with you.

It's too bad she didn't stick with the counseling.

Jean

[Guest guest]

How are you supposed to accept responsibility for her problems? You can only be

responsible for yourself at this time. She is a grown woman now and responsible

for herself! You may as way point out to him that in the biblical sense she is

his now since he married her and his responsibilty!

Can you get back to this therapist who gave you SWOE? It takes more than

reading that book one time to understand and deal with BPD. You might also get

the workbook that goes with it to help you along in your understanding. Even

when personal the emotions emanating from a BPD are not usually about the person

who is recieving the anger.

Hugs

Kelley

adult child w/bpd

I have never belong to a group like this so bear with me. I am not sure how

to get started. My duaghter will be 43 in May and lives within 3 miles of me.

She and her husband and their son.

4 years ago we went to counseling for a short period of time, she mostly alone

with the therapist, and then I went the last one or two times. The therapist

suggested I read " Stop walking on Eggshells " which I did at the time. Things

improved and I thought were going all right until about 2 weeks ago, when it all

exploded again. She has withdrawn from me and sucks her husband into what an

awful mother I am and always have been and will not allow me contact with my

grandson. She did this with her daughter in another marriage too. I ran into

the husband (my son-in-law) at the store today and tried to talk with him. He

tried to talk to me, but became very angry because I don't accept responsibility

for all of my daughter's problems. Please advise. Thanks ckj

[Guest guest]

Dear CKJ

That is a shame about your granddaughter. This situation with your daughter

must have been going on for a number of years. What exactly does she want

from you? Does she want an apology for what she " thinks " you did? Does she

just

want to torture you because her life is miserable?

I would be sick of it too. I know I am sick of my daughter. She has not

allowed me to see my grandsons for the past 3 weeks now. She had NEVER done

this

before, but she seems to be sticking to it. I am trying to come to terms

with the fact that it may be a very long time before I see them again, and I

practically raised them for most of their young lives.

I think, if she cannot be up front with you about exactly what is bothering

her; how she believes you have offended her, etc, I think I would just go on

with your life. I am beginning to see that these girls are simply not worth our

tears and allowing our lives to be miserable because of them? Are you and

your husband retired yet? Perhaps, if you are, then getting away from her might

be a good start. Do you have any other children?

Jean

[Guest guest]

Kelley wrote:

How are you supposed to accept responsibility for her problems? You can only be

responsible for yourself at this time. She is a grown woman now and responsible

for herself! You may as way point out to him that in the biblical sense she is

his now since he married her and his responsibilty!

I don't know if I am suppose to reply to you or not, but here goes. I tried to

tell him that she is now an adult and she is responsibile for her own actions

and he does not accept this. Tells me, as her mother, I am still responsible,

and as a Christian I am to make it right. I do not believe that am totally

responsible for her troubles. I am married to a recovered alcoholic, so I

understand some of this. But, she gets angry and then withdraws from me, taking

her family with her. This usually goes for sometime, maybe years, before she is

willing to try again. This last time we had a decent relationship for 4 years.

I thought she was healed, only to have it all fall apart. She tells lies to her

husband, who always sides with her and can be just as unreasonable as she is.

Yes, I can go back to the therapist, in fact I talked to her by phone the other

day, briefly. I am now reading the book again. I will look for the workbook.

Thanks for your input. ckj

Can you get back to this therapist who gave you SWOE? It takes more than

reading that book one time to understand and deal with BPD. You might also get

the workbook that goes with it to help you along in your understanding. Even

when personal the emotions emanating from a BPD are not usually about the person

who is recieving the anger.

Hugs

Kelley

adult child w/bpd

I have never belong to a group like this so bear with me. I am not sure how

to get started. My duaghter will be 43 in May and lives within 3 miles of me.

She and her husband and their son.

4 years ago we went to counseling for a short period of time, she mostly alone

with the therapist, and then I went the last one or two times. The therapist

suggested I read " Stop walking on Eggshells " which I did at the time. Things

improved and I thought were going all right until about 2 weeks ago, when it all

exploded again. She has withdrawn from me and sucks her husband into what an

awful mother I am and always have been and will not allow me contact with my

grandson. She did this with her daughter in another marriage too. I ran into

the husband (my son-in-law) at the store today and tried to talk with him. He

tried to talk to me, but became very angry because I don't accept responsibility

for all of my daughter's problems. Please advise. Thanks ckj

[Guest guest]

My Grandson is only 8 and would not even speak to me in the store until

permission by his Dad. My Granddaughter, now married and has a son, was turned

against me years ago, under the same conditions. She has desire to have contact

with me, and does not have much with her mother either. Our relationship (my

daughter and me) was good, all things considered, although I always in the back

of my mind wondered if this would all fall apart someday. She did not continue

with the counseling, only about 5 times at all. Said she could not afford it, I

paid for what her insurance would not cover. I thought there were improvements,

but apparently it was all swept under the rug, because some of the same items

that she seemed to be ok with, or now being thrown at me again. Part of the

problem, is some of this stuff happened 15 or 20 years ago, and I cannot

remember for sure, exactly what happened. I am 62 and my memory is not as good

as it once was. Her memory is not real good either,

just on normal stuff, so don't know how she can be so sure on this stuff. Some

items, my husband, can help me remember. My son in law was not present in most

cases, but he just automatically sides with her and assumes I am lieing. This

could go on for years, and I think I need to go on with my life and quit letting

her disrupt my husband's and my life. (not her Dad, he is deceased)

thanks for your comments, ckj

cascorsam@... wrote:

How old are your grandson and granddaughter? Are either of them old enough

to see you on their own without her permission? How did she behave toward you

during those 4 years since counseling? Hpw long did she stay with the

counseling and was there any improvements or was everything with her just pushed

under

the carpet so to speak? If this behavior is a pattern with her, I am

assuming she'll come out of it, and resume her relationship with you.

It's too bad she didn't stick with the counseling.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Dear CKJ

Why did she move to your state and position herself only 3 miles from you?

When she lived in another state, was she not talking to you then? What seems

to have initiated her latest tantrum?

When you went to her counselor a few years ago, what advise did the counselor

give you in relation to her behavior/attitude toward you?

I know how painful this is for you and when you think all is going smoothly

and then they start it all over again out of the blue, it just knocks you for a

loop emotionally. I've mentioned to the group here that I feel that I cannot

trust my feelings with my daughter. A stranger wouldn't treat me this badly.

Jean

[Guest guest]

> Dear CKJ

>

> That is a shame about your granddaughter. This situation with your

daughter

> must have been going on for a number of years. What exactly does

she want

> from you? Does she want an apology for what she " thinks " you did?

Does she just

> want to torture you because her life is miserable?

>

> I would be sick of it too. I know I am sick of my daughter. She

has not

> allowed me to see my grandsons for the past 3 weeks now. She had

NEVER done this

> before, but she seems to be sticking to it. I am trying to come

to terms

> with the fact that it may be a very long time before I see them

again, and I

> practically raised them for most of their young lives.

>

> I think, if she cannot be up front with you about exactly what is

bothering

> her; how she believes you have offended her, etc, I think I would

just go on

> with your life. I am beginning to see that these girls are simply

not worth our

> tears and allowing our lives to be miserable because of them? Are

you and

> your husband retired yet? Perhaps, if you are, then getting away

from her might

> be a good start. Do you have any other children?

>

> Jean

>

> I don not know for sure what she wants. I am told that an apology

doesn't do it. That doesn't make it all go away. I have apologized

in the past only to have it brought up again and again. Yes, this

has been going on for over 20 yrs. She told me how I offended her,

and none of it is true, the accusations that she makes, that offend

her did not happen as she says. No my husband is not retired yet,

and we just a little over a month ago moved into a new home. For

several years she lived in another state, and it was much easier.

She now lives about 3 miles from us. No other children near us. ckj

>

[Guest guest]

Carolyn--

I've been gone all day, so am just now getting around to messages, but

haven't read everyone else's, so don't know if this is redundant.

My only thoughts: you can't control everyone else's thinking or emotions,

so why try? All it does is suck you into the chaos a well.

BTW, it is NOT unusual for a bp to go through even several years of seeming

" normal-ness. " I did that myself for several years after I moved out of my

parent's house; it caught up with me later, though.

[Guest guest]

Carolyn--

Sounds like the husband could use some counseling as well. It is an

ignorant person (I don't mean that in an ugly way) who thinks everyone else

is responsible for their problems.

We are all dealt different things in life, and we do the best we can with

what we've got.

[Guest guest]

Carolyn--

See, it doesn't matter if you did what she " remembers " or not. The thing

is, SHE has to deal with life as she now finds it. Until she realizes that,

she will continue to blame others. No, its not fair, but bp never is.

See, although to a certain degree, we are shaped by our upbringing, we as

individuals are all responsible for how we choose to respond to that. Don't

beat yourself up over things that may or may not have happened years ago.

[Guest guest]

Carolyn

Sounds to me like he wants you to fix things so he wont be attacked. He also

needs counseling. Was he given a copy of SWOE by the therapist? Perhaps he

could use a copye!

Good that you allready contacted the therapist! Perhaps your son in law will

follow you and stop enabling the BPD behaviors of your daughter.

Hugs

Kelley

Re: adult child w/bpd

Kelley wrote:

How are you supposed to accept responsibility for her problems? You can only

be responsible for yourself at this time. She is a grown woman now and

responsible for herself! You may as way point out to him that in the biblical

sense she is his now since he married her and his responsibilty!

I don't know if I am suppose to reply to you or not, but here goes. I tried to

tell him that she is now an adult and she is responsibile for her own actions

and he does not accept this. Tells me, as her mother, I am still responsible,

and as a Christian I am to make it right. I do not believe that am totally

responsible for her troubles. I am married to a recovered alcoholic, so I

understand some of this. But, she gets angry and then withdraws from me, taking

her family with her. This usually goes for sometime, maybe years, before she is

willing to try again. This last time we had a decent relationship for 4 years.

I thought she was healed, only to have it all fall apart. She tells lies to her

husband, who always sides with her and can be just as unreasonable as she is.

Yes, I can go back to the therapist, in fact I talked to her by phone the

other day, briefly. I am now reading the book again. I will look for the

workbook. Thanks for your input. ckj

Can you get back to this therapist who gave you SWOE? It takes more than

reading that book one time to understand and deal with BPD. You might also get

the workbook that goes with it to help you along in your understanding. Even

when personal the emotions emanating from a BPD are not usually about the person

who is recieving the anger.

Hugs

Kelley

[Guest guest]

That is sad about your grandsons. Sad that your son in law thinks you could be

to blame for a grown womans problems.

Yes you should enjoy your life. A little therapy learning how to deal with the

BPD behavior would not hurt you for future enounters with your daughter. BPD

behavior can be very hurtful.

Hugs

Kelley

Re: adult child w/bpd

My Grandson is only 8 and would not even speak to me in the store until

permission by his Dad. My Granddaughter, now married and has a son, was turned

against me years ago, under the same conditions. She has desire to have contact

with me, and does not have much with her mother either. Our relationship (my

daughter and me) was good, all things considered, although I always in the back

of my mind wondered if this would all fall apart someday. She did not continue

with the counseling, only about 5 times at all. Said she could not afford it, I

paid for what her insurance would not cover. I thought there were improvements,

but apparently it was all swept under the rug, because some of the same items

that she seemed to be ok with, or now being thrown at me again. Part of the

problem, is some of this stuff happened 15 or 20 years ago, and I cannot

remember for sure, exactly what happened. I am 62 and my memory is not as good

as! it once was. Her memory is not real good either,

just on normal stuff, so don't know how she can be so sure on this stuff.

Some items, my husband, can help me remember. My son in law was not present in

most cases, but he just automatically sides with her and assumes I am lieing.

This could go on for years, and I think I need to go on with my life and quit

letting her disrupt my husband's and my life. (not her Dad, he is deceased)

thanks for your comments, ckj

cascorsam@... wrote:

How old are your grandson and granddaughter? Are either of them old enough

to see you on their own without her permission? How did she behave toward you

during those 4 years since counseling? Hpw long did she stay with the

counseling and was there any improvements or was everything with her just

pushed under

the carpet so to speak? If this behavior is a pattern with her, I am

assuming she'll come out of it, and resume her relationship with you.

It's too bad she didn't stick with the counseling.

Jean

[Guest guest]

My sonin law had never been to the therapist. I suggested that he talk with her

and I got no response from him. I assume that my daughter would talk him out of

it, if he did suggest going. She pretty much rules the house. He pretty much

does what she says. Yes, he wants me to fix things. He was not raised in a

good family invironment and really has no idea what it is all about. His mom

taught him to drink and was his drinking bubby. He more or less raised himself.

Although, now he does not drink at all. He tries very hard to be around and be

a good dad for my grandson. But many mistakes are made in ignorance. Maybe if

I get out of the way, he will run into trouble, and seek out the therapist.

Thanks for your input. ckj

Kelley wrote:Carolyn

Sounds to me like he wants you to fix things so he wont be attacked. He also

needs counseling. Was he given a copy of SWOE by the therapist? Perhaps he

could use a copye!

Good that you allready contacted the therapist! Perhaps your son in law will

follow you and stop enabling the BPD behaviors of your daughter.

Hugs

Kelley

Re: adult child w/bpd

Kelley wrote:

How are you supposed to accept responsibility for her problems? You can only

be responsible for yourself at this time. She is a grown woman now and

responsible for herself! You may as way point out to him that in the biblical

sense she is his now since he married her and his responsibilty!

I don't know if I am suppose to reply to you or not, but here goes. I tried to

tell him that she is now an adult and she is responsibile for her own actions

and he does not accept this. Tells me, as her mother, I am still responsible,

and as a Christian I am to make it right. I do not believe that am totally

responsible for her troubles. I am married to a recovered alcoholic, so I

understand some of this. But, she gets angry and then withdraws from me, taking

her family with her. This usually goes for sometime, maybe years, before she is

willing to try again. This last time we had a decent relationship for 4 years.

I thought she was healed, only to have it all fall apart. She tells lies to her

husband, who always sides with her and can be just as unreasonable as she is.

Yes, I can go back to the therapist, in fact I talked to her by phone the

other day, briefly. I am now reading the book again. I will look for the

workbook. Thanks for your input. ckj

Can you get back to this therapist who gave you SWOE? It takes more than

reading that book one time to understand and deal with BPD. You might also get

the workbook that goes with it to help you along in your understanding. Even

when personal the emotions emanating from a BPD are not usually about the person

who is recieving the anger.

Hugs

Kelley

[Guest guest]

My daughter moved here to be near me, at the same time she was leaving her

husband. He then followed her, they went back together and are now making it

work. My grandson was less than a year old at that time, and is now 8.

Sometimes she wants to be close and other times, not. We have never had a real

loving relationship. This is a problem with my mother and me too. I want it,

and sometimes my daughter wants it, but it is hard. While in TX she had times

when there was no contact with me, and then brief times of contact. Usually

when she wants something from me, I hear from her. Her daughter is doing her

the same way.

The latest episode, I believe was brought on by her getting into it with the

school over grandsons reading teacher. She did not talk with them in person,

but wrote them both " nasty " letters (after waiting and stewing over it a while).

She is now black balled by the school (according to her). I don't know what

that means. She emailed me copies of the letters she sent to the teacher and

principal, and asked what I thought. I suggested she speak face to face with

them as the written letter can sometimes be misintererpreted. She does not like

confortation, face to face. Whe did not do it. We did live 1.50 miles from

her, and moved 3 miles from her and the same time this was brewing with the

school. I called her a couple times inviting her over to see my new home, and

she declined each time, stating she did not feel well.

She has Mineres disease. She is also on meds for seizures. We were here 4

weeks, and she had not called me once, and never came over, never acted

interested in seeing the new home.

I emailed her, a safe way to approach her when she is angry or withdrawn. She

emailed back, briefly. We asked to see gramdson and it went from there. Sorry

that was so lengthy. But that is how it started this time, after 4 yrs. of

somewhat normalacy. ckj

cascorsam@... wrote:

Dear CKJ

Why did she move to your state and position herself only 3 miles from you?

When she lived in another state, was she not talking to you then? What seems

to have initiated her latest tantrum?

When you went to her counselor a few years ago, what advise did the counselor

give you in relation to her behavior/attitude toward you?

I know how painful this is for you and when you think all is going smoothly

and then they start it all over again out of the blue, it just knocks you for a

loop emotionally. I've mentioned to the group here that I feel that I cannot

trust my feelings with my daughter. A stranger wouldn't treat me this badly.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Dear ckj

Does that sound familiar. It seems they must all read the same instruction

manual to be annoying ! My daughter does the same thing, but only when there

is a guy in the picture. When she is by herself, she calls me at least 10

times a day.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Carolyn

Also sounds like perhaps he is expecting you to be the mother he did not have.

It is a comendable thing to see in you but unreasonable not to take

responsibilty for these things himself. i would leave communications open if

you can, and encourage communication with him when it is available to do so.

Perhaps he is also overwhelmed with the BPD behaviors and like all of us blaming

something else for the problems. We all try so hard to ignore the real problems

sometimes.

As always though you know you can only control yourself.

Hugs

Kelley

Re: adult child w/bpd

Kelley wrote:

How are you supposed to accept responsibility for her problems? You can

only be responsible for yourself at this time. She is a grown woman now and

responsible for herself! You may as way point out to him that in the biblical

sense she is his now since he married her and his responsibilty!

I don't know if I am suppose to reply to you or not, but here goes. I tried

to tell him that she is now an adult and she is responsibile for her own actions

and he does not accept this. Tells me, as her mother, I am still responsible,

and as a Christian I am to make it right. I do not believe that am totally

responsible for her troubles. I am married to a recovered alcoholic, so I

understand some of this. But, she gets angry and then withdraws from me, taking

her family with her. This usually goes for sometime, maybe years, before she is

willing to try again. This last time we had a decent relationship for 4 years.

I thought she was healed, only to have it all fall apart. She tells lies to her

husband, who always sides with her and can be just as unreasonable as she is.

Yes, I can go back to the therapist, in fact I talked to her by phone the

other day, briefly. I am now reading the book again. I will look for the

workbook. Thanks for your input. ckj

Can you get back to this therapist who gave you SWOE? It takes more than

reading that book one time to understand and deal with BPD. You might also get

the workbook that goes with it to help you along in your understanding. Even

when personal the emotions emanating from a BPD are not usually about the person

who is recieving the anger.

Hugs

Kelley

[Guest guest]

Carlyn,

maybe the impersonal email set her off. You did not want to talk to her and

therefor she probably felt some abandonment, you are her mother, you are showing

preference for your grandson. Yes I know you are not, but in her mind you are.

Maybe if you ignore the ugliness and call by phone and suggest something the

whole family can do together she would be more willing to talk to you? BPD's do

not like to share thier people lol and they go so far to alienate them from

those who love them sometimes that it starts to seem vindictive visious and

bizarre. Keep in mind she herself probably doesn not see what she is doing in

the same light as you.

Perhaps since she is ill, instead of asking to see the grandson you might offer

instead to give her a break by taking him for the day?

Hugs

Kelley

Re: Re: adult child w/bpd

My daughter moved here to be near me, at the same time she was leaving her

husband. He then followed her, they went back together and are now making it

work. My grandson was less than a year old at that time, and is now 8.

Sometimes she wants to be close and other times, not. We have never had a real

loving relationship. This is a problem with my mother and me too. I want it,

and sometimes my daughter wants it, but it is hard. While in TX she had times

when there was no contact with me, and then brief times of contact. Usually

when she wants something from me, I hear from her. Her daughter is doing her

the same way.

The latest episode, I believe was brought on by her getting into it with the

school over grandsons reading teacher. She did not talk with them in person,

but wrote them both " nasty " letters (after waiting and stewing over it a while).

She is now black balled by the school (according to her). I don't know what

that means. She emailed me copies of the letters she sent to the teacher and

principal, and asked what I thought. I suggested she speak face to face with

them as the written letter can sometimes be misintererpreted. She does not like

confortation, face to face. Whe did not do it. We did live 1.50 miles from

her, and moved 3 miles from her and the same time this was brewing with the

school. I called her a couple times inviting her over to see my new home, and

she declined each time, stating she did not feel well.

She has Mineres disease. She is also on meds for seizures. We were here 4

weeks, and she had not called me once, and never came over, never acted

interested in seeing the new home.

I emailed her, a safe way to approach her when she is angry or withdrawn. She

emailed back, briefly. We asked to see gramdson and it went from there. Sorry

that was so lengthy. But that is how it started this time, after 4 yrs. of

somewhat normalacy. ckj

cascorsam@... wrote:

Dear CKJ

Why did she move to your state and position herself only 3 miles from you?

When she lived in another state, was she not talking to you then? What seems

to have initiated her latest tantrum?

When you went to her counselor a few years ago, what advise did the counselor

give you in relation to her behavior/attitude toward you?

I know how painful this is for you and when you think all is going smoothly

and then they start it all over again out of the blue, it just knocks you for

a

loop emotionally. I've mentioned to the group here that I feel that I cannot

trust my feelings with my daughter. A stranger wouldn't treat me this badly.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Kelley--

I HAD to comment on your email.

How well I remember dealing with my husband's family members back when we

first got married. I hated all of them . . . whether they were actually

worthy of hate or not.

I saw them as direct threats to the relationship I had with my husband, and

I KNEW (unreasonably, to be sure) that if he allowed them to " suck him in " I

would lose my husband.

Re: Re: adult child w/bpd

Carlyn,

maybe the impersonal email set her off. You did not want to talk to her and

therefor she probably felt some abandonment, you are her mother, you are

showing preference for your grandson. Yes I know you are not, but in her

mind you are. Maybe if you ignore the ugliness and call by phone and

suggest something the whole family can do together she would be more willing

to talk to you? BPD's do not like to share thier people lol and they go so

far to alienate them from those who love them sometimes that it starts to

seem vindictive visious and bizarre. Keep in mind she herself probably

doesn not see what she is doing in the same light as you.

Perhaps since she is ill, instead of asking to see the grandson you might

offer instead to give her a break by taking him for the day?

Hugs

Kelley

Re: Re: adult child w/bpd

My daughter moved here to be near me, at the same time she was leaving her

husband. He then followed her, they went back together and are now making

it work. My grandson was less than a year old at that time, and is now 8.

Sometimes she wants to be close and other times, not. We have never had a

real loving relationship. This is a problem with my mother and me too. I

want it, and sometimes my daughter wants it, but it is hard. While in TX

she had times when there was no contact with me, and then brief times of

contact. Usually when she wants something from me, I hear from her. Her

daughter is doing her the same way.

The latest episode, I believe was brought on by her getting into it with

the school over grandsons reading teacher. She did not talk with them in

person, but wrote them both " nasty " letters (after waiting and stewing over

it a while). She is now black balled by the school (according to her). I

don't know what that means. She emailed me copies of the letters she sent

to the teacher and principal, and asked what I thought. I suggested she

speak face to face with them as the written letter can sometimes be

misintererpreted. She does not like confortation, face to face. Whe did

not do it. We did live 1.50 miles from her, and moved 3 miles from her and

the same time this was brewing with the school. I called her a couple times

inviting her over to see my new home, and she declined each time, stating

she did not feel well.

She has Mineres disease. She is also on meds for seizures. We were here

4 weeks, and she had not called me once, and never came over, never acted

interested in seeing the new home.

I emailed her, a safe way to approach her when she is angry or withdrawn.

She emailed back, briefly. We asked to see gramdson and it went from

there. Sorry that was so lengthy. But that is how it started this time,

after 4 yrs. of somewhat normalacy. ckj

cascorsam@... wrote:

Dear CKJ

Why did she move to your state and position herself only 3 miles from you?

When she lived in another state, was she not talking to you then? What

seems

to have initiated her latest tantrum?

When you went to her counselor a few years ago, what advise did the

counselor

give you in relation to her behavior/attitude toward you?

I know how painful this is for you and when you think all is going

smoothly

and then they start it all over again out of the blue, it just knocks you

for a

loop emotionally. I've mentioned to the group here that I feel that I

cannot

trust my feelings with my daughter. A stranger wouldn't treat me this

badly.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Email is how she communicates, quite often, esp when she hasn't talked to me for

a while. I had called her a couple of times, and she had not called me at all.

Before this she called almost daily. She also seldom answers the phone. She

lets the answering machine get it and then she returns calls if and when she

wants to. I invited " her " over several times, by phone and email and she

declined all invites. I guess I get really tired of having to be the one that

has to whatch what I say, how I say it, when I say it,etc. She can act anyway

she wants, and everyone else is to accept it. ckj

Kelley wrote:Carlyn,

maybe the impersonal email set her off. You did not want to talk to her and

therefor she probably felt some abandonment, you are her mother, you are showing

preference for your grandson. Yes I know you are not, but in her mind you are.

Maybe if you ignore the ugliness and call by phone and suggest something the

whole family can do together she would be more willing to talk to you? BPD's do

not like to share thier people lol and they go so far to alienate them from

those who love them sometimes that it starts to seem vindictive visious and

bizarre. Keep in mind she herself probably doesn not see what she is doing in

the same light as you.

Perhaps since she is ill, instead of asking to see the grandson you might offer

instead to give her a break by taking him for the day?

Hugs

Kelley

Re: Re: adult child w/bpd

My daughter moved here to be near me, at the same time she was leaving her

husband. He then followed her, they went back together and are now making it

work. My grandson was less than a year old at that time, and is now 8.

Sometimes she wants to be close and other times, not. We have never had a real

loving relationship. This is a problem with my mother and me too. I want it,

and sometimes my daughter wants it, but it is hard. While in TX she had times

when there was no contact with me, and then brief times of contact. Usually

when she wants something from me, I hear from her. Her daughter is doing her

the same way.

The latest episode, I believe was brought on by her getting into it with the

school over grandsons reading teacher. She did not talk with them in person,

but wrote them both " nasty " letters (after waiting and stewing over it a while).

She is now black balled by the school (according to her). I don't know what

that means. She emailed me copies of the letters she sent to the teacher and

principal, and asked what I thought. I suggested she speak face to face with

them as the written letter can sometimes be misintererpreted. She does not like

confortation, face to face. Whe did not do it. We did live 1.50 miles from

her, and moved 3 miles from her and the same time this was brewing with the

school. I called her a couple times inviting her over to see my new home, and

she declined each time, stating she did not feel well.

She has Mineres disease. She is also on meds for seizures. We were here 4

weeks, and she had not called me once, and never came over, never acted

interested in seeing the new home.

I emailed her, a safe way to approach her when she is angry or withdrawn. She

emailed back, briefly. We asked to see gramdson and it went from there. Sorry

that was so lengthy. But that is how it started this time, after 4 yrs. of

somewhat normalacy. ckj

cascorsam@... wrote:

Dear CKJ

Why did she move to your state and position herself only 3 miles from you?

When she lived in another state, was she not talking to you then? What seems

to have initiated her latest tantrum?

When you went to her counselor a few years ago, what advise did the counselor

give you in relation to her behavior/attitude toward you?

I know how painful this is for you and when you think all is going smoothly

and then they start it all over again out of the blue, it just knocks you for

a

loop emotionally. I've mentioned to the group here that I feel that I cannot

trust my feelings with my daughter. A stranger wouldn't treat me this badly.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Carolyn--

My bp dtr NEVER picks up the phone when she sees the caller ID and knows it

is me. I've learned not to take it personally. I know she thinks I am

controlling, and this is simply her way of feeling she is in charge of the

relationship between us.

Yes, I, too, get tired of being the one to make the effort. However, I

think that perhaps if you back off, quit the phone calls and emails, that

she will contact YOU when she's ready.

Remember, bps have a huge problem in knowing how relationships work, and are

desperate to be in control of something in their chaotic lives. As such,

their rather pathetic attempts to " control " their important relationships

often come across in very strange ways.

Now, it doesn't mean the way that she will contact you will be in the manner

that YOU want. My bp dtr rarely contacts me unless she wants something.

But when she does call or drop by, I let her know I'm glad to see her, that

I love her, and accept what she is able to give, even though it's not what I

want in my heart.

The whole walking on eggshells thing with a bp, well, now that your dtr is

out of the home, it may be your opportunity to think back on your

relationship with your dtr. I have done that with my kid. What would I

have done differently? What can I do differently today, and tomorrow?

I DON'T mean to look back and blame yourself or feel guilty.

But, what you CAN do is decide that you do have some personal power in that

relationship. I have personally found that, in working with my dtr., that

if I let her know--right when it happens--that her behavior or words are

something I will not put up with, she may get mad and pout, but the

boundaries are drawn.

I have always valued honesty in my relationships. In order to quit the

tiptoeing around my bp dtr, and trying not to say something that would set

her off, I found I was compromising my personal integrity. I finally quit

the tiptoeing, and if she said something that ticked me off, I let her know.

One doesn't need to be nasty about it, but I think the bp needs to know that

their inappropriate behavior and words do affect other people, and I think

non-bps need to stand their ground and let their bp loved ones know what

they will and won't put up with.

[Guest guest]

She does not have caller id, and does this to everyone. She really does not

have much to do with people. No close or even casual friends. Seldom speaks to

neighbors. I don't take this personally, just feel sorry for her and her lack

of friends,etc.

I have not called her or emailed her since she told me, by email, that she

didn't need me in her life. I will not contact her, it is in her ball court.

This has happened before and it could take years. Iam ready ckj

Hines wrote:

Carolyn--

My bp dtr NEVER picks up the phone when she sees the caller ID and knows it

is me. I've learned not to take it personally. I know she thinks I am

controlling, and this is simply her way of feeling she is in charge of the

relationship between us.

Yes, I, too, get tired of being the one to make the effort. However, I

think that perhaps if you back off, quit the phone calls and emails, that

she will contact YOU when she's ready.

Remember, bps have a huge problem in knowing how relationships work, and are

desperate to be in control of something in their chaotic lives. As such,

their rather pathetic attempts to " control " their important relationships

often come across in very strange ways.

Now, it doesn't mean the way that she will contact you will be in the manner

that YOU want. My bp dtr rarely contacts me unless she wants something.

But when she does call or drop by, I let her know I'm glad to see her, that

I love her, and accept what she is able to give, even though it's not what I

want in my heart.

The whole walking on eggshells thing with a bp, well, now that your dtr is

out of the home, it may be your opportunity to think back on your

relationship with your dtr. I have done that with my kid. What would I

have done differently? What can I do differently today, and tomorrow?

I DON'T mean to look back and blame yourself or feel guilty.

But, what you CAN do is decide that you do have some personal power in that

relationship. I have personally found that, in working with my dtr., that

if I let her know--right when it happens--that her behavior or words are

something I will not put up with, she may get mad and pout, but the

boundaries are drawn.

I have always valued honesty in my relationships. In order to quit the

tiptoeing around my bp dtr, and trying not to say something that would set

her off, I found I was compromising my personal integrity. I finally quit

the tiptoeing, and if she said something that ticked me off, I let her know.

One doesn't need to be nasty about it, but I think the bp needs to know that

their inappropriate behavior and words do affect other people, and I think

non-bps need to stand their ground and let their bp loved ones know what

they will and won't put up with.

People joining this list must read the guidelines and agree to them before

posting. Send questions or concerns to WelcomeToOz-owner . " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " , a primer for non-BPs, and " Hope for Parents: Helping Your

Borderline Son or Daughter Without Sacrificing Your Family Or Yourself " can be

ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For table of contents, go to

http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

Carolyn--

It's sad, isn't it? Good luck,

RE: Re: adult child w/bpd

She does not have caller id, and does this to everyone. She really does not

have much to do with people. No close or even casual friends. Seldom

speaks to neighbors. I don't take this personally, just feel sorry for her

and her lack of friends,etc.

I have not called her or emailed her since she told me, by email, that she

didn't need me in her life. I will not contact her, it is in her ball

court. This has happened before and it could take years. Iam ready ckj

Hines wrote:

Carolyn--

My bp dtr NEVER picks up the phone when she sees the caller ID and knows it

is me. I've learned not to take it personally. I know she thinks I am

controlling, and this is simply her way of feeling she is in charge of the

relationship between us.

Yes, I, too, get tired of being the one to make the effort. However, I

think that perhaps if you back off, quit the phone calls and emails, that

she will contact YOU when she's ready.

Remember, bps have a huge problem in knowing how relationships work, and are

desperate to be in control of something in their chaotic lives. As such,

their rather pathetic attempts to " control " their important relationships

often come across in very strange ways.

Now, it doesn't mean the way that she will contact you will be in the manner

that YOU want. My bp dtr rarely contacts me unless she wants something.

But when she does call or drop by, I let her know I'm glad to see her, that

I love her, and accept what she is able to give, even though it's not what I

want in my heart.

The whole walking on eggshells thing with a bp, well, now that your dtr is

out of the home, it may be your opportunity to think back on your

relationship with your dtr. I have done that with my kid. What would I

have done differently? What can I do differently today, and tomorrow?

I DON'T mean to look back and blame yourself or feel guilty.

But, what you CAN do is decide that you do have some personal power in that

relationship. I have personally found that, in working with my dtr., that

if I let her know--right when it happens--that her behavior or words are

something I will not put up with, she may get mad and pout, but the

boundaries are drawn.

I have always valued honesty in my relationships. In order to quit the

tiptoeing around my bp dtr, and trying not to say something that would set

her off, I found I was compromising my personal integrity. I finally quit

the tiptoeing, and if she said something that ticked me off, I let her know.

One doesn't need to be nasty about it, but I think the bp needs to know that

their inappropriate behavior and words do affect other people, and I think

non-bps need to stand their ground and let their bp loved ones know what

they will and won't put up with.

People joining this list must read the guidelines and agree to them before

posting. Send questions or concerns to WelcomeToOz-owner .

" Stop Walking on Eggshells " , a primer for non-BPs, and " Hope for Parents:

Helping Your Borderline Son or Daughter Without Sacrificing Your Family Or

Yourself " can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For table of

contents, go to http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

I just reread this post from yesterday where you spoke of hating your in laws

when you first married. Why did you feel they were a threat? Did they not

like you? Did they think your husband could have done better, etc?

I'm curious because perhaps dirtbag wasn't trying to isolate my daughter,

perhaps he just felt threatened by 's family, specifically me. He knows

I

hate him and perhaps he felt that the more I was in the picture pointing out

his flaws (like not working and living off what money she has left), the more

she might think about getting rid of him.

And by the waqy, did you ever end up having a good relationship with your in

laws?

Jean

[Guest guest]

Your husband's family (all parts and sides of it) sound a great deal like my

daughter's husband and his family. They would be the Northern style

" rednecks " . His mother's toilet stopped working a while back. Instead of

calling a

plummer, she just scooped out the water and threw it outside!!! Ugh! I

thought I was going to vomit when told me this.

And was appalled and told me how disgusting this was and now she's

bossom buddies with them. I know she has left my grandsons with his mother.

I find it very hard to be civil to this guy. My daughter tells me I look at

him like he's dirt. He's been in and out of jail since he was 15; he's now 24.

Total time actually served during those years is 7.5 yrs out of 9. How can

I think anything good of him. And he always gives ME an attitude like he's

superior. My son says that's the typical felon behavior. My son says for some

reason they don't know they're scum. They think they're better than everyone

else. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism.

I start wondering to myself if maybe I should have given him a chance. But,

my cousin, sho is a director of 7 daycares in the state (not my grandson's

however), says they hired a kid who had been in jail. She said he's been

employed there for a bit over 6 months and he still thanks them for having given

him

a chance. My daughter's dirtbag, wouldn't apply at Mac's because he

said it's beneath him. I think " working " is beneath him when it's so much

easier

to steal or be a " kept: man

I don't know how you have stood your in laws this long. You are obviously so

intelligent and it doesn't sound like they're the brightest lights on the

tree. One more added source of stress in your life??!!

Thanks for the clarification. As usual trying to figure out my dauighter's

thinking and situations. I'm having a weal day today.

Jean

[Guest guest]

You felt your daughter was a threat when she was born? I had said to my son

that I cannot believe that is not jealous of the baby since Will

(dirtbag) seemed to be very

attached to the baby. She was even jealous of the only female dog I had when

she was 11. And she HATES all females her own age. Never had any girl

friends, only boys who were friends from when she started school. To this day

she

has no female friends, actually no friends at all.

Jean