The 6 Must-Have Friends

[Guest guest]

The 6 Must-Have Friends

By Lynn

We all need a well-rounded circle of confidantes and companions to

make our life richer. Here's why.

Try On for Size

Friends are like shoes -- and not just because both pals and the

perfect pair of pumps can bring you profound joy. Friendship experts

agree: Just as your favorite old sneakers aren't perfect for every

occasion, neither is every friend. It's crucial to have a colorful

assortment of friends -- from comfy to professional -- to match the

varied parts of your life.

Says , 31, of Dix Hills, New York, " When I feel low, I always

think, 'Well, I have a friend who is this and a friend who is that --

the super-successful impressive friend, the crazy creative friend,

the beyond-loyal friend, the since-seventh-grade friend' -- and it

makes me feel better to be able to say, 'I am so good at having

friends that I've got them in all different shapes and sizes!' "

Why else are multiple friendships so important? What are some key

friendships to foster? And what's the best way to do that when we're

always so on the go?

" When we're younger, it's fine to have one or two all-purpose

friends, " says Marla , author of The Friendship Crisis: Finding,

Making, and Keeping Friends When You're Not a Kid Anymore (Rodale,

2004). " But as adults, when our lives and needs and interests become

more complex, we need a diverse group of friends who cover all of

our dimensions. "

Just as you can't expect your great black loafers to work with a

strappy sundress, you can't expect your single friend to discuss at

length the ins and outs of diaper rash. " It's unrealistic to expect

one friend to offer everything, " says Jan Yager, PhD, author of

Who's That Sitting at My Desk? Workship, Friendship, or Foe?

(Hannacroix Creek, 2004). " You're drawing on the strengths and

benefits that each one offers, not trying to mold someone into

something she isn't. "

Seeing different friendships for what they are can preserve and

prolong them, as Eleanor, 38, of Syracuse, New York, discovered. " I

have a dear friend who's great about doing things only a close

friend will, like helping me move, " she says. But Eleanor found it

frustrating to confide in her pal about her single-woman

hardships. " I hated her cool, no-nonsense responses -- she'd

basically tell me I just needed to 'get over it.' I would

think, 'She has no idea what it's like!' But then it hit me -- her

very long-term boyfriend became her husband. She actually does have

no idea what it's like! "

Since then, Eleanor says, " I've learned to appreciate what we do

share: frustrations with work and politics, similar senses of humor.

Now I know she's not the one to call about dating blues. I have

plenty of other girlfriends who relate to that! "

The Well-Rounded Friends

So what are the five types of friends that will round out your

social wardrobe?

The Work Friend. This relationship is so important that Dr. Yager

coined a term for it: a " workship. " Having an office pal, she

says, " boosts productivity, makes the day go faster, and work more

fun. " Sylvia, 36, of Brookline, Massachusetts, says her workship is

the only reason she survives her " heinous job " at all. " She saves my

life every day. We bitch about our boss, fantasize about changes

we'd make if we overthrew her, share dirt on who's good to work with

and who's not. And we laugh, " Sylvia says. " My husband commiserates

when I come home, sure, but he's not there. "

Just be on guard: If only one of you gets that promotion, things

could get uncomfortable. Try to discuss it in advance if you can.

Also, if one of you happens to leave the job, the friendship still

has promise, says Yager. " Workships often blossom into friendships

when they're no longer workships -- because then you can really let

down your guard. "

The Friend in Your Kid's Class. Your kids are angels, no doubt, but

that doesn't mean they have an adult perspective on what's going on

in school. " You absolutely need someone to help you check out

whether the teacher is really that 'unfair,' the sixth-graders are

really dating, or the cliques are really that bad, " says . For

, 35, of ton, South Carolina, her co-mom keeps her not

only informed, but also less isolated. " Almost everyone is all

coiffed and perfect, and I'm just talking about the kids -- so you

can imagine what the moms are like, " she says. " My messy self really

doesn't fit in. Thank goodness for Lara, the one other mom like me,

and the only one I can hang out with at the science fair. "

The Friend Who's Known You Forever. " This friendship is priceless, "

says , noting that when she recently bumped into an old crush at

the mall, there was only one friend she could call to giggle about

it. " She keeps your memories alive by sharing them with you. "

" If I met her today we might not be friends -- that's one thing I

love most. She's so unlike all the friends I've made more recently, "

says New Yorker, , 29, of her dear childhood pal. " Other

people can learn all our buzzwords and inside jokes, but she and I

invented them! "

Friends you grew up with aren't just fun throwbacks; some can serve

as sister stand-ins. " As a single only child with few cousins, I

wonder sometimes who'll lend a hand when my parents start to need

more help, " says Corinne, 35, of Lexington, Massachusetts. " But I

also know that my friend Lucy, who's been around since I was 2, will

always be there for things like that. "

More Friends You Need

The Hobby Buddy. You summon this friend when you want to catch a

movie or concert, if you want to enroll in a history class or take a

horseback ride. She may be the gal with whom you share a love of art

and museums, or your common interest may be river-rafting or

crocheting. Many women find that a walking partner suits this

need. " This friendship works because you share an interest and a

sensibility, " says Deanna Kasuya, 48, of Ridgewood, New

Jersey. " It's very motivating to know a friend with a passion to

start with. You speak the same vocabulary. And you also have this

common need to share your interest. "

This friend is important, psychologists say, because your

significant other may not share many of your most abiding interests.

Or you may simply want a gal pal or another friend with whom to

discuss and enjoy them.

Deanna has an art buddy, a gal she meets once a month for museum

visits in New York City. The friendship has deepened over recent

years, and now she and her pal talk about life as well as about

Picasso. " The passion in art was the introduction to our

friendship, " Deanna says. " We looked at paintings together and got

dewy-eyed talking about light and color. Then one day we let loose

about our personal lives. "

Sally Muller, 45, of Bethesda, land, treasures her walking

buddy. At least three times a week, the pair loop their suburban

neighborhood, starting at 5:30 a.m. The walks started for one

reason: exercise. " We were neighbors who didn't know each other well

at all, " says Sally. " We just wanted to get out early in the

morning, when the neighborhood was quiet. " Sally's dog joined. The

walking itinerary has evolved over the past three years and now

includes a stop at a coffee shop. Sally's partner has since gotten a

dog of her own -- and a divorce. Meanwhile, the friendship has

deepened greatly. " We talk about everything now, from what to serve

at a dinner party or which Lucy-Ethel sitcom we like best to how to

handle our children. We both feel destabilized when we don't walk. "

But, Sally notes, the friendship hinges on walking. " When you spend

four to six hours a week in a format of walking, that becomes the

way in which you're most comfortable talking and confiding. "

The Straight-Talking Friend. You know when you're clear that you

need to break up with someone...but just can't quite bite the

bullet? Talk to this friend. " We all need someone who's honest, gets

to the heart of the problem, and doesn't sugar-coat, " says Marla

. She also won't tell you the swimsuit looks good when it

doesn't, or that it's okay with her that you haven't called.

" My roommate, God love her, shovels me full of truth and never lets

up, " says , 24, of Raleigh, North Carolina. " If it's

something she thinks I don't want to hear, she'll just stay quiet --

and then I know what she's saying anyway. Damn! " That's the key with

this friend, says Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends/True

Friends (Citadel, 2003): " Talk to her about what's on your mind only

when you want to hear it. "

The Feel-Good Friend. " We all need a cheerleader! " says Isaacs. But

the feel-good friend may cheer for you even without being all smiles

and pom-poms. " My spirits are lifted the moment I hear my friend

's voice, " says a, 36, of New York City. " She never

belittles, or tries to make things about her, or says one of those

dopey things like, 'You'll get over it, what you need is a fill-in-

the-blank!' She really knows how much better people feel when

someone just listens. "

And the feel-good friend isn't there for you only when you feel bad.

Says Isaacs: " It's essential to have a friend who can be truly happy

for you when good things happen, too. "

Relationship TLC

Now that you know which friendships are essential, how do you to

find and/or nurture the ones you need? Making friends isn't as easy

as it was when you could walk up to another kid on the playground

and say, " Wanna be friends? " Says : " Friendships, along with our

lives, are less stable than they used to be, and it can feel awkward

to try to make new ones. " Three key steps to making new friends and

maintaining the relationships you hold dear:

Create a strategy. You can't make friends just by being friendly.

Seek out running partners, knitting classes, mystery book clubs.

(Helpful: check out social networking sites like Friendster.com and

MeetUp.com.) If finding the time seems difficult, carve out one

lunch or evening every three weeks as " Catch Up with Day "

or " New Friends Night " -- whatever seems doable is better than

nothing at all.

Be proactive. You don't have to announce " I'd like to be your

friend, " but you do need what calls " repeat exposure. " Pour a

little social cement by seeking out certain people more than once;

extend casual invitations when you can.

Sort your supply. " Prioritize your friendships, " says Isaacs. You

don't have to officially " break up " with any friends you don't feel

the need to see constantly; just make sure they're not siphoning too

much time away from all the newer, or deeper, friendships that are

worth the extra effort to nurture.

So take a friend-inventory today and see what type of friend might

be great to add, which friend you could see a bit less of, and who

you're dying to catch up with right now. Don't let a busy schedule

get in your way. In the end, it's friendship itself that lightens

your load and brightens your day.