Guest guest Posted October 15, 2008 Report Share Posted October 15, 2008 Well, I bought the two books and I'm over my mother's house for her birthday weekend. I'm in my early twenties, and still in college, but i don't live far from the school, where I am a resident. I guess I just needed some forum to talk to... Basically, well, not much background info is needed here... I'm an only child of a single mother. *red flag!* So, regardless of any mental health issues, my mother would be very attached to me. I've never been fond of spending time with her at all, but I am her only child and I obviously SHOULD, and I feel I have to. Every time I come over... which is frequently... my mother insists I call her twice a day, and sleep over her house once every other week - well, no, she wants me to live at home or visit her three times a week but every other week was a compromise - but every time I do spend time with her, she guilts/threatens/badgers/nags me into other times with her. The most freaking REMOTE times! She's off and running about New Year's Eve because I mentioned my friend's birthday. It's hard for me to get people to understand, but it's not just a simple disagreement... It's an " i'm-going-to-wake-you-up-at-odd-hours-to- " talk " -about-it " (when I have a midterm the next day), threaten to show up on campus with picket signs (i kid you not - but she did it to my father at his work when he fought her in court over child support, long story, but she did/will do it), wear me down, guilt trip over and over again. On and on and on and on... and she won't get help. I tell her I am willing to do " such and such " with her, but I will not do " this thing " because it is my time for friends/work/organizations I'm involved in - but she cries about how alone she is. And she is - she refuses to make friends, moving from area to area but not getting involved in anything (and says she doesn't need to because I'm " her life " ), won't date (it is meaningless because I'm " her life " )..... she won't get help. I tell her I will do mother/daughter things with her sometimes, but I'm not her substitute boyfriend/husband/friends. And she makes me feel like evil incarnated. Am I totally out of whack here? Is it me? I am trying to follow some ideas in the book, but a whole life of this, I am trying to believe it's not just me... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Hi Juls, You are being treated like an object, not a beloved daughter. What your nada is doing to you is not done out of love; she is using you to take care of her own needs. Love puts the beloved's needs first. A normal, mentally healthy mother will of course be sad and lonely when her child leaves home, but she will not cling and sob and wrack the child with guilt over " abandoning " her, for pete's sake! Those are the disturbed behaviors of a mentally ill person. Borderline personality disorder is a severe mental illness. This is one of the most destructive things a mother can possibly do to her child: not " allow " them have their own life. Do you want to be 40 years old and still sleeping over at your mother's house every other week? If that doesn't sound appealing to you, then the best thing you can do for yourself is move far away. Physical distance is your best friend. And I would locate a therapist who has experience with borderlines, and let them give you some tools to use to extricate yourself from the pit that your nada wants to inter the two of you in together. Forever. So she will never be alone. Yes, your mother will act out rather dramatically when you do decide to leave, but my Sister and I discovered that that too is only an act. Our nada became rather self-sufficient when Sister decided to no longer be nada's servant and whipping-boy (so to speak.) If your nada is so low-functioning that she threatens suicide, then you have no choice but to take her for a psychiatric exam and have her observed for a while. This is going to be very (make that " extremely " ) difficult for you since you are her only child, but you are going to need to make the hard decision at some point in your life, and its better to do it now, in my opinion: You are either going to choose to submerge yourself in your mother's needs and live her life for her, or you are going to have your own life. It is not right, not normal, not decent, for your mother to demand that you sacrifice your own individual existence, your chance for a husband and children of your own, a career of your own, to take care of her needs because she is too selfish and cowardly to go have her own life. Just keep telling yourself that: her demands are not right, they are not normal. They are not " love. " -Annie > > Well, I bought the two books and I'm over my mother's house for her > birthday weekend. I'm in my early twenties, and still in college, but > i don't live far from the school, where I am a resident. I guess I > just needed some forum to talk to... > Basically, well, not much background info is needed here... I'm an > only child of a single mother. *red flag!* So, regardless of any > mental health issues, my mother would be very attached to me. I've > never been fond of spending time with her at all, but I am her only > child and I obviously SHOULD, and I feel I have to. > Every time I come over... which is frequently... my mother insists I > call her twice a day, and sleep over her house once every other week - > well, no, she wants me to live at home or visit her three times a week > but every other week was a compromise - but every time I do spend time > with her, she guilts/threatens/badgers/nags me into other times with > her. The most freaking REMOTE times! She's off and running about New > Year's Eve because I mentioned my friend's birthday. It's hard for me > to get people to understand, but it's not just a simple > disagreement... It's an > " i'm-going-to-wake-you-up-at-odd-hours-to- " talk " -about-it " (when I > have a midterm the next day), threaten to show up on campus with > picket signs (i kid you not - but she did it to my father at his work > when he fought her in court over child support, long story, but she > did/will do it), wear me down, guilt trip over and over again. On and > on and on and on... and she won't get help. I tell her I am willing to > do " such and such " with her, but I will not do " this thing " because it > is my time for friends/work/organizations I'm involved in - but she > cries about how alone she is. And she is - she refuses to make > friends, moving from area to area but not getting involved in anything > (and says she doesn't need to because I'm " her life " ), won't date (it > is meaningless because I'm " her life " )..... she won't get help. I tell > her I will do mother/daughter things with her sometimes, but I'm not > her substitute boyfriend/husband/friends. And she makes me feel like > evil incarnated. > Am I totally out of whack here? Is it me? I am trying to follow some > ideas in the book, but a whole life of this, I am trying to believe > it's not just me... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Wow,...Nope, it's not you. My personal mantra : It's not me, it's not me, it's not me. Any possibilities of going to school further away? Welcome! Kindest regards, Mercy > > Well, I bought the two books and I'm over my mother's house for her > birthday weekend. I'm in my early twenties, and still in college, but > i don't live far from the school, where I am a resident. I guess I > just needed some forum to talk to... > Basically, well, not much background info is needed here... I'm an > only child of a single mother. *red flag!* So, regardless of any > mental health issues, my mother would be very attached to me. I've > never been fond of spending time with her at all, but I am her only > child and I obviously SHOULD, and I feel I have to. > Every time I come over... which is frequently... my mother insists I > call her twice a day, and sleep over her house once every other week - > well, no, she wants me to live at home or visit her three times a week > but every other week was a compromise - but every time I do spend time > with her, she guilts/threatens/badgers/nags me into other times with > her. The most freaking REMOTE times! She's off and running about New > Year's Eve because I mentioned my friend's birthday. It's hard for me > to get people to understand, but it's not just a simple > disagreement... It's an > " i'm-going-to-wake-you-up-at-odd-hours-to- " talk " -about-it " (when I > have a midterm the next day), threaten to show up on campus with > picket signs (i kid you not - but she did it to my father at his work > when he fought her in court over child support, long story, but she > did/will do it), wear me down, guilt trip over and over again. On and > on and on and on... and she won't get help. I tell her I am willing to > do " such and such " with her, but I will not do " this thing " because it > is my time for friends/work/organizations I'm involved in - but she > cries about how alone she is. And she is - she refuses to make > friends, moving from area to area but not getting involved in anything > (and says she doesn't need to because I'm " her life " ), won't date (it > is meaningless because I'm " her life " )..... she won't get help. I tell > her I will do mother/daughter things with her sometimes, but I'm not > her substitute boyfriend/husband/friends. And she makes me feel like > evil incarnated. > Am I totally out of whack here? Is it me? I am trying to follow some > ideas in the book, but a whole life of this, I am trying to believe > it's not just me... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Hello, likeher! Welcome to our cyberspace " lifeboat " ! -Kyla > > Hi, I'm new to this website. Thank you for existing out here! > Likeher > > __________________________________________________ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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