trouble saying no

[Guest guest]

Anybody else have this flea? I was conditioned not to say no,

especially if it makes the other person unhappy. Never mind that it

mades me feel sad to share my favorite toy with a playmate who

wouldn't play gently, let another kid color the page I especially

wanted to color in my coloring book, etc. I hate this! I'm 60 and

still in a no-win situation: if I say no, I feel guilty (and the

book by that title never really helped with the guilt feelings). If

I say yes, I feel bad because I gave up something I wanted – and I

feel guilty for resenting that. I cannot win!

I have an afghan knitted over 25 years ago by my grandmother, long

gone. She knit one for everyone in the family. It was her original

design. These afghans are a tradition in our family, almost

sacred. This was my favorite grandmother, well, my favorite person

in the whole both sides of the extended family. For years I kept it

put away safely in a box, so it wouldn't get ruined by kids and

dogs. Recently I moved into " my own " apartment, with just the

youngest DD, who is 20 and will be moving out in a couple weeks to

another city to go to school. One of the first things I did was get

out the afghan and drape it over the back of the sofa, as I had been

waiting years to do. I had planned the living room décor around it.

Because it needs very careful (and expensive) cleaning, and is not

replaceable, I planned to only use it occasionally, to wrap up in on

the sofa while watching movies or to cuddle up in when depressed.

But DD glommed onto it. When we first moved in, she didn't have a

bed, and she slept on the sofa. I was not real happy when I saw her

using it as a blanket (she had her own) and more upset when I saw

the afghan on the floor in the morning, with her dog sleeping on

it. I told her what it meant to me, and that it had to be taken

care of. I said it was ok for her to sleep with it – well, that was

a lie, it wasn't ok with me but I felt like it would be so selfish

to say so. (I could imagine her on this board posting about me.)

Well, I continued to find it on the floor and underneath the dog.

When she got a bed, the afghan migrated into her room. I felt bad

because she looked so cute all wrapped up in it, but I repo'ed it

anyway. I kept it in my room on my bed, planning to wait until she

moved out to put the afghan in the living room again. Well, today I

noticed it had again migrated into her room Argh. Now, her dog

sleeps with her. I don't want the afghan to smell! Plus, I wanted

to sleep with it myself! It comforts me with memories of my

grandmother. Nanny died before DD was born, so she doesn't have

these memories. All it is to her is a nice cozy blanket.

I took the afghan back again. A few minutes ago she came in my

bedroom saying sadly " but I wanted to sleep with the afghan. " I

told her so did I. " I'll trade you this soft blanket for it, " she

said, and offered a fleece throw that I bought at the dollar store.

She pointed out that she would soon be gone and I would have

exclusive use of it then. (And I'll be watching carefully to make

sure it stays here!) She really wanted that afghan and I started

feeling so bad about it that I let her have it. Then I felt really

sad. I've been feeling depressed lately and I did want to wrap up

in it. I also feel very foolish even making such a big deal over

it, and like a bad mother for begrudging my kid this afghan. I

finally went and told her we would take turns. Tomorrow is my

night! This is really feeling childish! Of course, it's my inner

child that's involved here. I need to stand up for her.

This DD isn't BPD or anything, just very good at manipulating and

emotional blackmail. Of course she brought up that she was moving

out – I'm already sad about that (and also looking forward to having

my own place for the first time in my life!) I'm so tired of people

getting what they want from me by making me feel bad! I do a lot

and give a lot to my kids, and I can't even keep one thing for

myself! Because I've been taught that it's selfish and bad to say

no.