Insecurity in friendships...

[Guest guest]

I've been thinking about posting this for the longest time but I have

trouble admitting to these feelings. I am profoundly insecure in my

friendships. It has gotten worse and worse and worse over the

years. When I was in my 20's (before I met my husband) I was very

soical. I lived in NYC and was on the major party circle. I had tons

of acquaintances and a core group of very good friends. Looking

back, it was clear how well liked I was. Still, I would get these

flashes of " what if so in so doesn't want to be my friend any more? "

It would make me panic. My soulution was to leave messages for all of

my close friends (this was before email and friends would talk on the

phone the way " kids today " text each other). Invaribly they would

start calling back and, even if si in so didn't call back right away,

I would feel better.

Once I was with my husband the focus of my social life was different

so the panic took a different form. After being out with friends or

being at a gathering (where I would have always had a great time) I

would start to panic that " I had made a fool of myself " . I continued

to make new friends though and remained close to my other good

friends.

Then a move took us from NYC to SF and I couldn't, for the life of

me,make new friends. We knew one couple who were fairly good friends

in NYC who had moved there a few years before. We did hand out with

them some and I will say that she was very kind about including me in

things. Finances kept me from participating in some of the

activities ( " hey the girls are going to Hawaii for the weekend, you

should come! " ) and a weird emmeshment with my husband kept me from

others (I would leave the girls dinners early because my husband was

home from work...he worked late hours). All in all we were friends

with this couple, not best friends, but friends. Then, all of the

sudden she stopped returning my phone calls. It was right before we

moved to LA so I tried not to focus on it but it has been really

bothering me and playing into the old panic.

Now, in LA I am back to my old NY self in many ways. I'm making new

friends and soooo much happier. That old panic still plagues me

though. Right now I am really worked up thinking that one of my

friends (my best friend here) is trying to put distance between us.

I don't let it show to anyone but the panic is starting to be

palpable. Then it starts to turn into " ok, I can handle this

friendship ending but what if she bad mouths me to my other friends

and they don't want to be my friends? "

The nagging core of all of this, and why I have been so reluctant to

admit to these feelings is that I am extremely familiar with the DSM

diagnostic criteria for BPD (I am a psychologist who used to work in

research doing diagnostic work). There is one criteria that that

says " takes frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment " .

It freaks me out because as much as I want to tease that apart and

say " I don't go through 'frantic efforts...' " I know that the way I

feel and behave is captured in this criteria. I don't meet any of

the other criteria. I'm not impulsive, I've never made any suicide

jesters or attempts and I have never been accused by anyone of being

manipulative (not a DSM criteria but as we all know, a major feature

of the disorder).

The way I feel about my friendships is pure hell. Can anyone

help?????