Re: Help me understand this (long, sorry)

[Guest guest]

You are GOOD with the comebacks! I love all those. I'm going to add

them to my arsenal.

> > > >

> > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

this

> > spring

> > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> > always been

> > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

behind

> my

> > back.

> > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling

> me

> > in

> > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> > failure,

> > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

> added

> > on

> > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> because

> > we

> > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > >

> > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

> he's

> > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to

get

> > her off

> > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> about

> > him. We

> > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > information, my

> > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > >

> > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> > acting

> > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

> when

> > he

> > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was

> in

> > a

> > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > husband's

> > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

married

> > the

> > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

> > away to

> > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our

plan,

> > and

> > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > >

> > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

> my

> > first

> > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> children

> > don't

> > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none

of

> > her

> > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> > eventually move

> > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

> > time, she

> > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > acknowledges

> > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

> word

> > when I

> > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

> her

> > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> > course).

> > > >

> > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> conception

> > of my

> > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

> I've

> > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> > stings. I

> > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > convicted of

> > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > accusations.

> > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to

> my

> > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> married

> > him

> > > > because I was desperate.

> > > >

> > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

should

> I

> > do? I

> > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

> work?

> > She

> > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

like

> I

> > don't

> > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

> ever

> > fully

> > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> Occasionally,

> > she's

> > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

   So do you still drink, in moderation I mean?  I definatley abused alcohol and

had its consequences, but I'm beginning to beleive my Nada called everyone an

alcoholic like she now says that everyone has ADHD.  Literally...everyone!   I

went to a relationship therapist a few years ago and she asked, " do you think

you're an alcoholic? " .  I said, " yes " .  She asked me why.  I now understand what

she was getting at.  This therapist could clearly see how I was enmeshed in

Nada's world and followed suit.  She understood the problems with my Nada and

has also refused to counsel her.  I think this is one therapist who knew what

was going on with my Nada many years ago.  SO, that adds to my questioning of

myself, being and alcoholic or not.  I suppose it isn't THAT important, but its

one of those things that I don't know if it was part of NADA's world or mine.. 

Thanks again, for relating.  It helps to validate my thoughts and feelings.  I'm

kinda at a low right now.

 

Take Care Of You,

JaneSoul

Help me understand this (long,

sorry)

> >

> >

> > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> spring

> > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

always

> been

> > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

my

> back.

> > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me

in

> > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> failure,

> > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

added

> on

> > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because

we

> > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> >

> > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

he's

> > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

her

> off

> > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about

> him. We

> > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

information,

> my

> > parents live far away from us).

> >

> > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

acting

> > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

when

> he

> > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in

a

> > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> husband's

> > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

the

> > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

away

> to

> > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

and

> > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> >

> > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

> first

> > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

children

> don't

> > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

her

> > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

eventually

> move

> > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

time,

> she

> > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> acknowledges

> > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word

> when I

> > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> course).

> >

> > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception

of

> my

> > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

I've

> > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

stings.

> I

> > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

convicted

> of

> > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> accusations.

> > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

married

> him

> > because I was desperate.

> >

> > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I

> do? I

> > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work?

> She

> > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I

> don't

> > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

ever

> fully

> > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally,

> she's

> > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> >

> > __._,_..___

> > Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new

topic

> > Messages

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

to " Understanding

> the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

the

> WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

> > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)

> > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest |

Switch

> format to Traditional

> > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

> > Recent Activity

> > *  26

> > New MembersVisit Your Group

> > Meditation and

> > Lovingkindness

> > A Yahoo! Group

> > to share and learn.

> > Yahoo! Health

> > Asthma Triggers

> > How you can

> > identify them.

> > Yahoo! Groups

> > Discover healthy

> > living groups and

> > live a full life.

> > .

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I've also used " ouch " ....when someone says something hurtful.  It seems to work

well.

 

Take Care Of You,

JaneSoul

Re: Help me understand this (long, sorry)

So many bullies hide behind " I was just kidding " it's not even funny.

You could answer: " Well, I guess we have different senses of

humor. I didn't see it that way. It didn't feel like kidding to

me. " or " Humor is in the eye of the beholder " ... .or you could

really get her with " A lot of hurful comments are masked as humor.

It didn't feel humorous " .

=K

> > >

> > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> spring

> > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> always been

> > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

my

> back.

> > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling

me

> in

> > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> failure,

> > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

added

> on

> > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

because

> we

> > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > >

> > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

he's

> > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

> her off

> > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

about

> him. We

> > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> information, my

> > > parents live far away from us).

> > >

> > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> acting

> > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

when

> he

> > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was

in

> a

> > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> husband's

> > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

> the

> > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

> away to

> > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

> and

> > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > >

> > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

my

> first

> > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

children

> don't

> > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

> her

> > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> eventually move

> > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

> time, she

> > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> acknowledges

> > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

word

> when I

> > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

her

> > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> course).

> > >

> > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

conception

> of my

> > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

I've

> > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> stings. I

> > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> convicted of

> > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> accusations.

> > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to

my

> > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

married

> him

> > > because I was desperate.

> > >

> > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should

I

> do? I

> > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

work?

> She

> > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like

I

> don't

> > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

ever

> fully

> > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

Occasionally,

> she's

> > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

OMG! MY Nada says everyone has Obsessive-compulsive disorder!

EVERYONE! She's obsessed with diagnosing OCD!

> > >

> > > Quick question!  Are you an alcoholic?  I was told since I was

> very

> > young that I was an alcoholic.  So I followed my label and drank

> > similarto or the same as one.  I quite drinking and attended AA

> and

> > have been sober for 8+ years.  I've seriously questioned this in

> the

> > last couple years.  I accepted the label I was given and no

longer

> > know for sure if I am an alcoholic or not.  Either way, I did

> benefit

> > GREATLY from my sponser andworking the steps.  But am I?.....

> > >

> > >  

> > > Take Care Of You,

> > > JaneSoul

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Help me understand this (long,

> sorry)

> > >

> > >

> > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> > spring

> > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> always

> > been

> > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

> my

> > back.

> > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling

me

> in

> > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> > failure,

> > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

> added

> > on

> > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

because

> we

> > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > >

> > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

> he's

> > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

> her

> > off

> > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about

> > him. We

> > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> information,

> > my

> > > parents live far away from us).

> > >

> > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> acting

> > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

> when

> > he

> > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was

in

> a

> > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > husband's

> > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

> the

> > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

> away

> > to

> > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

> and

> > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > >

> > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

> > first

> > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> children

> > don't

> > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

> her

> > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> eventually

> > move

> > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

> time,

> > she

> > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > acknowledges

> > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word

> > when I

> > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

her

> > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> > course).

> > >

> > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

conception

> of

> > my

> > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

> I've

> > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> stings.

> > I

> > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> convicted

> > of

> > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > accusations.

> > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to

my

> > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> married

> > him

> > > because I was desperate.

> > >

> > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should

I

> > do? I

> > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

work?

> > She

> > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like

I

> > don't

> > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

> ever

> > fully

> > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

Occasionally,

> > she's

> > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > >

> > > __._,_..___

> > > Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new

> topic

> > > Messages

> > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> > >

> > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> > SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

> to " Understanding

> > the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> > Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

> the

> > WTO community!

> > >

> > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >

> > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)

> > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest |

> Switch

> > format to Traditional

> > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

> > > Recent Activity

> > > *  26

> > > New MembersVisit Your Group

> > > Meditation and

> > > Lovingkindness

> > > A Yahoo! Group

> > > to share and learn.

> > > Yahoo! Health

> > > Asthma Triggers

> > > How you can

> > > identify them.

> > > Yahoo! Groups

> > > Discover healthy

> > > living groups and

> > > live a full life.

> > > .

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Jane, sorry you are feeling " under the nada today. " :}) Take two squares of

special dark chocolate and watch Titus on cable. I was watching him

the other day and snapped to the fact that his family was hands down as

dysfunctional as it gets, his nada was not just BPD but was so over the top

insane that just to listen to this guy spin stories about her is to push the

envelope on BPD. He can laugh about it and make others think it was funny.

Judging by the reaction of the audience he was hitting nerves left and right. It

was almost cathartic.

I remember that Mel was asked why he always put Nazis in all of his

comedic films. He answered that it was his way to take their power away from

them. By making them look ridiculous he diminished them in the eyes of the

world. I believe that Mr. lost several family members to the holocaust.

Watching Titus, I realized that Mr. was right. Making fun of

people who are just that whacked diminishes their power to instill fear. Titus's

special was called " Rockwell is bleeding. " I reccommend it.

Be strong

Help me understand this (long,

sorry)

> >

> >

> > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> spring

> > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

always

> been

> > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

my

> back.

> > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me

in

> > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> failure,

> > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

added

> on

> > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because

we

> > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> >

> > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

he's

> > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

her

> off

> > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about

> him. We

> > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

information,

> my

> > parents live far away from us).

> >

> > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

acting

> > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

when

> he

> > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in

a

> > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> husband's

> > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

the

> > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

away

> to

> > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

and

> > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> >

> > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

> first

> > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

children

> don't

> > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

her

> > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

eventually

> move

> > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

time,

> she

> > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> acknowledges

> > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word

> when I

> > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> course).

> >

> > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception

of

> my

> > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

I've

> > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

stings.

> I

> > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

convicted

> of

> > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> accusations.

> > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

married

> him

> > because I was desperate.

> >

> > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I

> do? I

> > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact.. Does that work?

> She

> > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I

> don't

> > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

ever

> fully

> > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally,

> she's

> > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> >

> > __._,_..___

> > Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new

topic

> > Messages

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

to " Understanding

> the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

the

> WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

> > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)

> > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest |

Switch

> format to Traditional

> > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

> > Recent Activity

> > *  26

> > New MembersVisit Your Group

> > Meditation and

> > Lovingkindness

> > A Yahoo! Group

> > to share and learn.

> > Yahoo! Health

> > Asthma Triggers

> > How you can

> > identify them.

> > Yahoo! Groups

> > Discover healthy

> > living groups and

> > live a full life.

> > .

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " vegdeanna "

wrote:

These are truly horrible things to say to anyone. I would say, at the

very least, when she says something terrible, start by calling her on

it: " that was a cruel thing to say. "

I think we learn to try and " ignore " mean comments, when we should

really be calling someone on it.

YES!! This really works! After I had to move back home to help take

care of my parents (BPD NADA and my lovely father) home and do the

upkeep and cooking etc. I got super tired of hearing my mother bad-

mouthing every person who called her " Friend " (amazingly, she still

has ONE friend!! but it's on a very thin line right now) I began to

say exactly those things to her " That's a horrible thing to say about

your friend. I'd never speak like that about someone who I considered

a friend " or I'd say things like " I don't know why they consider you

a friend, do they know that you think they are stupid? "

It took well over a month, but my NADA stopped saying stuff like that

in front of me. I know she still says that stuff, she just doesn't do

it in my presence.

I say that you should DEFINITELY call them on things... if they are

saying something viscious, just to be cruel or just being

themselves... it might take a while, but in the long run, it will be

MUCH better!

[Guest guest]

They hve to diagnos the world. or else they'd have to look at THEMSELVES.....and

we all know how scary that would be!

 

Take Care Of You,

JaneSoul

Help me understand this (long,

> sorry)

> > >

> > >

> > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> > spring

> > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> always

> > been

> > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

> my

> > back.

> > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling

me

> in

> > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> > failure,

> > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

> added

> > on

> > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

because

> we

> > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > >

> > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

> he's

> > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

> her

> > off

> > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about

> > him. We

> > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> information,

> > my

> > > parents live far away from us).

> > >

> > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> acting

> > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

> when

> > he

> > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was

in

> a

> > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > husband's

> > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

> the

> > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

> away

> > to

> > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

> and

> > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > >

> > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

> > first

> > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> children

> > don't

> > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

> her

> > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> eventually

> > move

> > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

> time,

> > she

> > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > acknowledges

> > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word

> > when I

> > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

her

> > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> > course).

> > >

> > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

conception

> of

> > my

> > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me..

> I've

> > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> stings.

> > I

> > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> convicted

> > of

> > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > accusations.

> > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to

my

> > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> married

> > him

> > > because I was desperate.

> > >

> > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should

I

> > do? I

> > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

work?

> > She

> > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like

I

> > don't

> > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

> ever

> > fully

> > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

Occasionally,

> > she's

> > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > >

> > > __._,_..___

> > > Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new

> topic

> > > Messages

> > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> > >

> > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> > SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

> to " Understanding

> > the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> > Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

> the

> > WTO community!

> > >

> > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >

> > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)

> > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest |

> Switch

> > format to Traditional

> > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

> > > Recent Activity

> > > *  26

> > > New MembersVisit Your Group

> > > Meditation and

> > > Lovingkindness

> > > A Yahoo! Group

> > > to share and learn.

> > > Yahoo! Health

> > > Asthma Triggers

> > > How you can

> > > identify them.

> > > Yahoo! Groups

> > > Discover healthy

> > > living groups and

> > > live a full life.

> > > .

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I have decided to take your prescribed movie and special dark chocolate!   

How'd you know anyway!

 

Take Care Of You,

JaneSoul

Help me understand this (long,

sorry)

> >

> >

> > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> spring

> > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

always

> been

> > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

my

> back.

> > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me

in

> > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> failure,

> > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

added

> on

> > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because

we

> > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> >

> > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

he's

> > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

her

> off

> > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about

> him. We

> > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

information,

> my

> > parents live far away from us).

> >

> > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

acting

> > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

when

> he

> > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in

a

> > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> husband's

> > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

the

> > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

away

> to

> > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

and

> > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> >

> > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

> first

> > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

children

> don't

> > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

her

> > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

eventually

> move

> > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

time,

> she

> > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> acknowledges

> > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word

> when I

> > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> course).

> >

> > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception

of

> my

> > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

I've

> > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

stings.

> I

> > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

convicted

> of

> > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> accusations.

> > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

married

> him

> > because I was desperate.

> >

> > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I

> do? I

> > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact.. Does that work?

> She

> > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I

> don't

> > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

ever

> fully

> > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally,

> she's

> > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> >

> > __._,_..___

> > Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new

topic

> > Messages

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

to " Understanding

> the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

the

> WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

> > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)

> > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest |

Switch

> format to Traditional

> > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

> > Recent Activity

> > *  26

> > New MembersVisit Your Group

> > Meditation and

> > Lovingkindness

> > A Yahoo! Group

> > to share and learn.

> > Yahoo! Health

> > Asthma Triggers

> > How you can

> > identify them.

> > Yahoo! Groups

> > Discover healthy

> > living groups and

> > live a full life.

> > .

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

A ha ha ha ha ha. NADA DRILLS.

Help me understand this

> (long,

> > > sorry)

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

> > this

> > > > > spring

> > > > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband.

> I've

> > > > always

> > > > > been

> > > > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

> > behind

> > > my

> > > > > back.

> > > > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters

> telling

> > > me

> > > > > in

> > > > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and

> a

> > > > > failure,

> > > > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore.

> she

> > > added

> > > > > on

> > > > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> > > because

> > > > > we

> > > > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and

> thinks

> > > he's

> > > > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan

to

> > get

> > > > her

> > > > > off

> > > > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> > > about

> > > > > him. We

> > > > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > > > information,

> > > > > my

> > > > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she

> is

> > > > > acting

> > > > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad

> said

> > > when

> > > > > he

> > > > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she

> was

> > > in

> > > > a

> > > > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining

> my

> > > > > husband's

> > > > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

> > married

> > > > the

> > > > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child

> right

> > > > away

> > > > > to

> > > > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our

> plan,

> > > and

> > > > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant

> with

> > > my

> > > > > first

> > > > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> > > children

> > > > > don't

> > > > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's

> none

> > of

> > > > her

> > > > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> > > > eventually

> > > > > move

> > > > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth.

> This

> > > > > time, she

> > > > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > > > > acknowledges

> > > > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back

one

> > > word

> > > > > when I

> > > > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I

> got

> > > her

> > > > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong

> of

> > > > > course).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> > > conception

> > > > > of my

> > > > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to

> me.

> > > I've

> > > > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but

this

> > > > stings.

> > > > > I

> > > > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > > > > convicted of

> > > > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > > > > accusations.

> > > > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending

that

> to

> > > my

> > > > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> > > married

> > > > > him

> > > > > > because I was desperate.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

> > should

> > > I

> > > > > do? I

> > > > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does

that

> > > work?

> > > > > She

> > > > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

> > like

> > > I

> > > > > don't

> > > > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing

> is

> > > ever

> > > > > fully

> > > > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> > > Occasionally,

> > > > > she's

> > > > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

[Guest guest]

This reminds me of something my nada would make a point of saying in front of me

to other people. She'd say, " As babies I never found my children particularly

interesting. They really didn't become interesting until they got older. "

It hurt me every time she said it and I never knew why. At least not until now.

Be strong

Re: Help me understand this (long, sorry)

When a mother says " I never wanted children to her child, I wish.....

Oh, if only as children we had the presence of mind to answer:

" Oh yeah? You think it's easy having a suck-ass mother? "

Sheesh.

> > > > >

> > > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

> this

> > > spring

> > > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband.

I've

> always

> > > been

> > > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

> behind my

> > > back.

> > > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters

> telling me in

> > > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and

a

> failure,

> > > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore.

she

> added on

> > > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> because we

> > > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > > >

> > > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and

thinks

> he's

> > > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to

> get her

> > > off

> > > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> about him.

> > > We

> > > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> information,

> > > my

> > > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > > >

> > > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she

is

> acting

> > > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad

said

> when he

> > > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she

> was in a

> > > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining

my

> > > husband's

> > > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

> married the

> > > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child

> right away

> > > to

> > > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our

> plan, and

> > > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > > >

> > > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant

with

> my

> > > first

> > > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> children

> > > don't

> > > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's

none

> of her

> > > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> eventually

> > > move

> > > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth.

> This time,

> > > she

> > > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> acknowledges

> > > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

> word when

> > > I

> > > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I

got

> her

> > > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong

of

> course).

> > > > >

> > > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> conception of

> > > my

> > > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to

me.

> I've

> > > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> stings. I

> > > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> convicted

> > > of

> > > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> accusations.

> > > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that

> to my

> > > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> married

> > > him

> > > > > because I was desperate.

> > > > >

> > > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

> should I do?

> > > I

> > > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

> work? She

> > > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

> like I

> > > don't

> > > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing

is

> ever

> > > fully

> > > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> Occasionally,

> > > she's

> > > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Ditto ditto ditto ditto and double dutch ditto. No child is a mistake, their

conception might be unplanned but the child that results has as much right to

walk the earth as anyone else. Parents who do not get this need to shut up about

it, and keep their reservations to themselves.

Re: Help me understand this (long, sorry)

goodness gracious. she blames your existence on your father. don't

these people take responsibility for ANYTHING in their lives?

i have two cousins who also have a crazy mother (she would get an

invite to go out of town with her friends and not tell anyone where

she was going and the cousins wouldn't have anyone to pick them up

from school...way crazy stuff...) and she tells her kids that they

should never have kids, that life is better without kids, that they'll

miss out on life if they have kids. WTF!!??!

and i also don't see the point in telling kids they were not wanted.

i mean, all they can do about it is kill themselves. kids don't make

themselves.. . i read an article in cosmo or something equally vile

about a mom who didn't want to have her daughter, and she told her

daughter this and the mom is so proud that the kid is mature enough to

handle the fact that the mom resents that she can't go out and have

fun like a single person because she has to take care of her kid.

umm...how the HELL are you supposed to react to that? " i...um...okay? "

there is nothing that pisses me off more than adults telling their

kids that making them was a mistake... that's not true. the only

thing that pisses me off more is when moms allow their children to be

molested/abused and don't do anything to stop it. pardon my french,

but that is completely fucked up.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRR! NOW I'M MAD AT YOUR MOM!

bink

> > >

> > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> spring

> > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've always

> been

> > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind my

> back.

> > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me in

> > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a failure,

> > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she added on

> > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because we

> > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > >

> > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks he's

> > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get her

> off

> > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about him.

> We

> > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for information,

> my

> > > parents live far away from us).

> > >

> > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is acting

> > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said when he

> > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in a

> > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> husband's

> > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married the

> > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right away

> to

> > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan, and

> > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > >

> > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

> first

> > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my children

> don't

> > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of her

> > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did eventually

> move

> > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This time,

> she

> > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never acknowledges

> > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word when

> I

> > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of course).

> > >

> > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception of

> my

> > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me. I've

> > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this stings. I

> > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and convicted

> of

> > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the accusations.

> > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only married

> him

> > > because I was desperate.

> > >

> > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I do?

> I

> > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work? She

> > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I

> don't

> > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is ever

> fully

> > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally,

> she's

> > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I figure we all have so much in common that it wouldn't be too off base. For me

Dark chocolate is the only way to go. Yum. Let me know what you think of Titus.

Help me understand this (long,

sorry)

> >

> >

> > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> spring

> > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

always

> been

> > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

my

> back.

> > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me

in

> > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> failure,

> > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

added

> on

> > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because

we

> > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> >

> > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

he's

> > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

her

> off

> > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about

> him. We

> > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

information,

> my

> > parents live far away from us).

> >

> > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

acting

> > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

when

> he

> > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in

a

> > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> husband's

> > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

the

> > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

away

> to

> > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

and

> > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> >

> > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

> first

> > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

children

> don't

> > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

her

> > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

eventually

> move

> > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

time,

> she

> > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> acknowledges

> > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word

> when I

> > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> course).

> >

> > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception

of

> my

> > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

I've

> > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

stings.

> I

> > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

convicted

> of

> > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> accusations.

> > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

married

> him

> > because I was desperate.

> >

> > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I

> do? I

> > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact.. Does that work?

> She

> > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I

> don't

> > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

ever

> fully

> > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally,

> she's

> > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> >

> > __._,_..___

> > Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new

topic

> > Messages

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

to " Understanding

> the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

the

> WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

> > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)

> > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest |

Switch

> format to Traditional

> > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

> > Recent Activity

> > *  26

> > New MembersVisit Your Group

> > Meditation and

> > Lovingkindness

> > A Yahoo! Group

> > to share and learn.

> > Yahoo! Health

> > Asthma Triggers

> > How you can

> > identify them.

> > Yahoo! Groups

> > Discover healthy

> > living groups and

> > live a full life.

> > .

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I looked it up on amazon.com and I laughed out loud when I realized

the whole title is " Norman Rockwell is bleeding " . What an apt

description. I remember his show and I always liked it even though it

was way before I had a handle on any of this stuff. Another one I

highly recommend is 's show (also called ).

His grandparents raised him and there is so much material he uses from

his childhood, the mother character " Bennie " on there sounds to me

like a bpd or npd type, not maternal in any way shape or form although

they've softened her up a bit as the show went gone on, she really

started out as a nightmare on wheels; if you listen to his standup a

whole lot of his material comes from his childhood relationship with

his mother figure.

[Guest guest]

Good one! Also, making that " cat " sound, as if they're

being 'catty' puts the emphasis back on them....

> > > >

> > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

this

> > spring

> > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> > always been

> > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

behind

> my

> > back.

> > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters

telling

> me

> > in

> > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> > failure,

> > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

> added

> > on

> > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> because

> > we

> > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > >

> > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

> he's

> > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to

get

> > her off

> > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> about

> > him. We

> > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > information, my

> > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > >

> > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> > acting

> > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

> when

> > he

> > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she

was

> in

> > a

> > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > husband's

> > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

married

> > the

> > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child

right

> > away to

> > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our

plan,

> > and

> > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > >

> > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

> my

> > first

> > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> children

> > don't

> > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none

of

> > her

> > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> > eventually move

> > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth.

This

> > time, she

> > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > acknowledges

> > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

> word

> > when I

> > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

> her

> > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> > course).

> > > >

> > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> conception

> > of my

> > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

> I've

> > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> > stings. I

> > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > convicted of

> > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > accusations.

> > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that

to

> my

> > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> married

> > him

> > > > because I was desperate.

> > > >

> > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

should

> I

> > do? I

> > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

> work?

> > She

> > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

like

> I

> > don't

> > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

> ever

> > fully

> > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> Occasionally,

> > she's

> > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I drink in moderation now.

When I had my kids -- back to back, one year apart! -- 13 years ago,

I was stressed out staying at home taking care of them. When I

finally found a babysitter that I trusted enough to take care of

them, my husband took me to a big dinner party -- and I got PLOWED.

It was so nice to be away from the neverending stress of two babies -

- I was sleep deprived, up all night, up all day, etc., etc......so

I let loose and got really drunk.

Only, the next day -- when I felt so horrible, I realized that the

consequences weren't worth it. That I had two babies who still woke

up at the crack of dawn and needed me. It was then that I realized

the turning point many of us come to -- and one my mother reached

when we were little, I'm sure: Whether you can drink to excess and

still be a good mother. I couldn't, so I chose my babies. I

started looking at alcohol a different way -- it almost became the

enemy at that point, and I didn't want it anymore.

My mother, however, did what she wanted and us kids paid the price

if she felt like hell the next day. It never occurred to her (or

her own alcoholic mother) to think of the KIDS first.

In the last 13 years, I've had drinks socially, but between wanting

to feel good and not suffer side effects, I have figured out I need

to stop at 2 drinks. That way, I never worry about driving drunk or

feeling bad. I also noticed I was depressed the next day after a

night of drinking -- so deep it felt like a chemically induced

depression, if that makes sense.....

So, I stopped. Wasn't worth the consequences anymore. Too bad my

grandmother and mother didn't make the same choice based on what's

best for their families. Alcoholism and the other addictions have a

powerful component of self-centeredness. My mother slept in late

while my little brother and I were very young, and just expected us

to get ourselves ready for school alone. The few times she did get

up, she just screamed and yelled at us that we were doing everything

wrong. I could never do that to my kids. Those moments in the

morning are a GIFT, a blessing, and I don't want to squander those

times.

-Kyla

> > >

> > > Quick question!  Are you an alcoholic?  I was told since I was

> very

> > young that I was an alcoholic.  So I followed my label and drank

> > similarto or the same as one.  I quite drinking and attended AA

> and

> > have been sober for 8+ years.  I've seriously questioned this in

> the

> > last couple years.  I accepted the label I was given and no

longer

> > know for sure if I am an alcoholic or not.  Either way, I did

> benefit

> > GREATLY from my sponser andworking the steps.  But am I?.....

> > >

> > >  

> > > Take Care Of You,

> > > JaneSoul

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Help me understand this (long,

> sorry)

> > >

> > >

> > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> > spring

> > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> always

> > been

> > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

> my

> > back.

> > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling

me

> in

> > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> > failure,

> > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

> added

> > on

> > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

because

> we

> > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > >

> > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

> he's

> > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

> her

> > off

> > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

about

> > him. We

> > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> information,

> > my

> > > parents live far away from us).

> > >

> > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> acting

> > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

> when

> > he

> > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was

in

> a

> > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > husband's

> > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

> the

> > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

> away

> > to

> > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

> and

> > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > >

> > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

my

> > first

> > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> children

> > don't

> > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

> her

> > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> eventually

> > move

> > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

> time,

> > she

> > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > acknowledges

> > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

word

> > when I

> > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

her

> > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> > course).

> > >

> > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

conception

> of

> > my

> > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

> I've

> > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> stings.

> > I

> > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> convicted

> > of

> > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > accusations.

> > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to

my

> > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> married

> > him

> > > because I was desperate.

> > >

> > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should

I

> > do? I

> > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

work?

> > She

> > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like

I

> > don't

> > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

> ever

> > fully

> > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

Occasionally,

> > she's

> > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > >

> > > __._,_..___

> > > Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new

> topic

> > > Messages

> > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

GROUP.

> > >

> > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> > SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

> to " Understanding

> > the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> > Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

> the

> > WTO community!

> > >

> > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >

> > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)

> > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest |

> Switch

> > format to Traditional

> > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

> > > Recent Activity

> > > *  26

> > > New MembersVisit Your Group

> > > Meditation and

> > > Lovingkindness

> > > A Yahoo! Group

> > > to share and learn.

> > > Yahoo! Health

> > > Asthma Triggers

> > > How you can

> > > identify them.

> > > Yahoo! Groups

> > > Discover healthy

> > > living groups and

> > > live a full life.

> > > .

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Reply continued......

Jane -- sorry you're at a low right now -- you're always so

uplifting here. Hope you're " up " soon.....{{hugs}}

When you wrote " This therapist could clearly see how I was enmeshed

in Nada's world and followed suit. She understood the problems with

my Nada and has also refused to counsel her. I think this is one

therapist who knew what was going on with my Nada many years ago.

SO, that adds to my questioning of myself, being and alcoholic or

not. "

First, I don't think you're an alcoholic -- they seem very

consistent about using alcohol to blot out their feelings. You

aren't afraid to share your feelings here -- I just don't see you

that way.

Also, incredibly, I was blessed with the same kind of therapist!

When I was about 16 and " individuating " away from my mother, it

pissed her off that I was getting a mind of my own. I wasn't her

little " mini-me " anymore. She dragged me to a therapist to

straighten me out, and the therapist called HER on a few things!

This therapist was a wonderful mother figure who shared with me a

confidentiality that she never should have, but she did it so I

would know that I WASN'T THE PROBLEM!!! What a gift!

It was so nice to read that you had a similar therapist -- Someone

who spotted EXACTLY what you were dealing with. Back then, I had NO

idea that my mother was abnormal. I had nothing to compare it to!

Thank goodness we had these brief episodes with encouraging " angels "

on our journeys......

{{hugs}}

Kyla

> > >

> > > Quick question!  Are you an alcoholic?  I was told since I was

> very

> > young that I was an alcoholic.  So I followed my label and drank

> > similarto or the same as one.  I quite drinking and attended AA

> and

> > have been sober for 8+ years.  I've seriously questioned this in

> the

> > last couple years.  I accepted the label I was given and no

longer

> > know for sure if I am an alcoholic or not.  Either way, I did

> benefit

> > GREATLY from my sponser andworking the steps.  But am I?.....

> > >

> > >  

> > > Take Care Of You,

> > > JaneSoul

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Help me understand this (long,

> sorry)

> > >

> > >

> > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> > spring

> > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> always

> > been

> > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

> my

> > back.

> > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling

me

> in

> > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> > failure,

> > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

> added

> > on

> > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

because

> we

> > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > >

> > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

> he's

> > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

> her

> > off

> > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

about

> > him. We

> > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> information,

> > my

> > > parents live far away from us).

> > >

> > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> acting

> > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

> when

> > he

> > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was

in

> a

> > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > husband's

> > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

> the

> > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

> away

> > to

> > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

> and

> > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > >

> > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

my

> > first

> > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> children

> > don't

> > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

> her

> > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> eventually

> > move

> > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

> time,

> > she

> > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > acknowledges

> > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

word

> > when I

> > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

her

> > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> > course).

> > >

> > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

conception

> of

> > my

> > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

> I've

> > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> stings.

> > I

> > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> convicted

> > of

> > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > accusations.

> > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to

my

> > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> married

> > him

> > > because I was desperate.

> > >

> > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should

I

> > do? I

> > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

work?

> > She

> > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like

I

> > don't

> > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

> ever

> > fully

> > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

Occasionally,

> > she's

> > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > >

> > > __._,_..___

> > > Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new

> topic

> > > Messages

> > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

GROUP.

> > >

> > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> > SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

> to " Understanding

> > the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> > Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

> the

> > WTO community!

> > >

> > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >

> > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)

> > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest |

> Switch

> > format to Traditional

> > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

> > > Recent Activity

> > > *  26

> > > New MembersVisit Your Group

> > > Meditation and

> > > Lovingkindness

> > > A Yahoo! Group

> > > to share and learn.

> > > Yahoo! Health

> > > Asthma Triggers

> > > How you can

> > > identify them.

> > > Yahoo! Groups

> > > Discover healthy

> > > living groups and

> > > live a full life.

> > > .

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

P.S.S.-- my nada " diagnoses " everyone with psychological

conditions, too.

> > >

> > > Quick question!  Are you an alcoholic?  I was told since I was

> very

> > young that I was an alcoholic.  So I followed my label and drank

> > similarto or the same as one.  I quite drinking and attended AA

> and

> > have been sober for 8+ years.  I've seriously questioned this in

> the

> > last couple years.  I accepted the label I was given and no

longer

> > know for sure if I am an alcoholic or not.  Either way, I did

> benefit

> > GREATLY from my sponser andworking the steps.  But am I?.....

> > >

> > >  

> > > Take Care Of You,

> > > JaneSoul

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Help me understand this (long,

> sorry)

> > >

> > >

> > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> > spring

> > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> always

> > been

> > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

> my

> > back.

> > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling

me

> in

> > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> > failure,

> > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

> added

> > on

> > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

because

> we

> > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > >

> > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

> he's

> > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

> her

> > off

> > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

about

> > him. We

> > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> information,

> > my

> > > parents live far away from us).

> > >

> > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> acting

> > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

> when

> > he

> > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was

in

> a

> > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > husband's

> > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

> the

> > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

> away

> > to

> > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

> and

> > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > >

> > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

my

> > first

> > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> children

> > don't

> > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

> her

> > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> eventually

> > move

> > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

> time,

> > she

> > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > acknowledges

> > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

word

> > when I

> > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

her

> > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> > course).

> > >

> > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

conception

> of

> > my

> > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

> I've

> > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> stings.

> > I

> > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> convicted

> > of

> > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > accusations.

> > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to

my

> > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> married

> > him

> > > because I was desperate.

> > >

> > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should

I

> > do? I

> > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

work?

> > She

> > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like

I

> > don't

> > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

> ever

> > fully

> > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

Occasionally,

> > she's

> > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > >

> > > __._,_..___

> > > Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new

> topic

> > > Messages

> > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

GROUP.

> > >

> > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> > SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

> to " Understanding

> > the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> > Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

> the

> > WTO community!

> > >

> > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >

> > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)

> > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest |

> Switch

> > format to Traditional

> > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

> > > Recent Activity

> > > *  26

> > > New MembersVisit Your Group

> > > Meditation and

> > > Lovingkindness

> > > A Yahoo! Group

> > > to share and learn.

> > > Yahoo! Health

> > > Asthma Triggers

> > > How you can

> > > identify them.

> > > Yahoo! Groups

> > > Discover healthy

> > > living groups and

> > > live a full life.

> > > .

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

>

> P.S.S.-- my nada " diagnoses " everyone with psychological

> conditions, too.

>

Everyone my Nada paints black is an alcoholic (not really but she

says they are). The last year before I went NC Nada kept insisting I

had a drinking problem. It was maddening. I kept trying to have a

rational discussion with her about the subject of drinking in general

and it was impossible. She had a dream that I died in a drunk

driving accident. From that day forward, it was the never ending

rant about the evils of alcohol. There was no fact she would not

misrepresent to make her point. My favorite quote from this time

period was, " Uncle Jerry's doctor says it's worse to drink than to

smoke. " I wanted to say, " Well then, I guess I'll take up smoking. "

WTF??? Who could possibly believe that a doctor would say that.

The " real " story was that my Uncle was on medication that would

interact with alcohol. If he drank more than a beer or two, he would

have issues with his heart. If I ever questioned my Mom on a fact,

she would say, " Are you calling me a LIAR? " Back then I was too

intimidated to say yes...I usually said yes in an indirect

way, " Well, I don't think you have your facts straight. " Ah well.

[Guest guest]

, that makes me sad. I think my baby boy has always been fun and

interesting. They all are! so were you. It's her loss she couldn't

enjoy that part of your precious, innocent life.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

> > this

> > > > spring

> > > > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband.

> I've

> > always

> > > > been

> > > > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

> > behind my

> > > > back.

> > > > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters

> > telling me in

> > > > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and

> a

> > failure,

> > > > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore.

> she

> > added on

> > > > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> > because we

> > > > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and

> thinks

> > he's

> > > > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan

to

> > get her

> > > > off

> > > > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> > about him.

> > > > We

> > > > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > information,

> > > > my

> > > > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she

> is

> > acting

> > > > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad

> said

> > when he

> > > > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she

> > was in a

> > > > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining

> my

> > > > husband's

> > > > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

> > married the

> > > > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child

> > right away

> > > > to

> > > > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our

> > plan, and

> > > > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant

> with

> > my

> > > > first

> > > > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> > children

> > > > don't

> > > > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's

> none

> > of her

> > > > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> > eventually

> > > > move

> > > > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth.

> > This time,

> > > > she

> > > > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > acknowledges

> > > > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back

one

> > word when

> > > > I

> > > > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I

> got

> > her

> > > > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong

> of

> > course).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> > conception of

> > > > my

> > > > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to

> me.

> > I've

> > > > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but

this

> > stings. I

> > > > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > convicted

> > > > of

> > > > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > accusations.

> > > > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending

that

> > to my

> > > > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> > married

> > > > him

> > > > > > because I was desperate.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

> > should I do?

> > > > I

> > > > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does

that

> > work? She

> > > > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

> > like I

> > > > don't

> > > > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing

> is

> > ever

> > > > fully

> > > > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> > Occasionally,

> > > > she's

> > > > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

I've dealt with this issue too - the not knowing if I was or wasn't.

I completely know at this point I'm not, but she was good at making

me think maybe I was. I would hate to be the one to tell you to break

sobriety if you really have an issue, but I know in MY case, I was

indeed making a mountain out of a mole hill. As a matter of fact, if

she'd laid off that BS, I probably wouldn't have even partied so much

in my youth. I did drink in HS too, to numb myself, but not often and

not that bad.

Now, I am firm in knowing I'm just perfectly normal that way. I'm

certainly not the only person on earth to have gone through a party

phase. When I'm not pregnant, my husband and I enjoy wine tastings

and the occasional drink. And we are mindful of never over indulging

because of our baby (ies). We are normal adults! And I bet you might

be as well.

> > > >

> > > > Quick question!  Are you an alcoholic?  I was told since I

was

> > very

> > > young that I was an alcoholic.  So I followed my label and

drank

> > > similarto or the same as one.  I quite drinking and attended AA

> > and

> > > have been sober for 8+ years.  I've seriously questioned this

in

> > the

> > > last couple years.  I accepted the label I was given and no

> longer

> > > know for sure if I am an alcoholic or not.  Either way, I did

> > benefit

> > > GREATLY from my sponser andworking the steps.  But am I?.....

> > > >

> > > >  

> > > > Take Care Of You,

> > > > JaneSoul

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Help me understand this (long,

> > sorry)

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

this

> > > spring

> > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> > always

> > > been

> > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

behind

> > my

> > > back.

> > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling

> me

> > in

> > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> > > failure,

> > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

> > added

> > > on

> > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> because

> > we

> > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > >

> > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

> > he's

> > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to

get

> > her

> > > off

> > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> about

> > > him. We

> > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > information,

> > > my

> > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > >

> > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> > acting

> > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

> > when

> > > he

> > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was

> in

> > a

> > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > > husband's

> > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

married

> > the

> > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

> > away

> > > to

> > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

> > and

> > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > >

> > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

> my

> > > first

> > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> > children

> > > don't

> > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none

of

> > her

> > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> > eventually

> > > move

> > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

> > time,

> > > she

> > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > > acknowledges

> > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

> word

> > > when I

> > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

> her

> > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> > > course).

> > > >

> > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> conception

> > of

> > > my

> > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

> > I've

> > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> > stings.

> > > I

> > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > convicted

> > > of

> > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > > accusations.

> > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to

> my

> > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> > married

> > > him

> > > > because I was desperate.

> > > >

> > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

should

> I

> > > do? I

> > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

> work?

> > > She

> > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

like

> I

> > > don't

> > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

> > ever

> > > fully

> > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> Occasionally,

> > > she's

> > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > >

> > > > __._,_..___

> > > > Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new

> > topic

> > > > Messages

> > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

@

> > > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

> GROUP.

> > > >

> > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-

35-

> > > SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

> > to " Understanding

> > > the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> > > Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

> > the

> > > WTO community!

> > > >

> > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> > > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> > > >

> > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)

> > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest |

> > Switch

> > > format to Traditional

> > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

> > > > Recent Activity

> > > > *  26

> > > > New MembersVisit Your Group

> > > > Meditation and

> > > > Lovingkindness

> > > > A Yahoo! Group

> > > > to share and learn.

> > > > Yahoo! Health

> > > > Asthma Triggers

> > > > How you can

> > > > identify them.

> > > > Yahoo! Groups

> > > > Discover healthy

> > > > living groups and

> > > > live a full life.

> > > > .

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

I think you could have a beer -- Alcoholics keep going even when

they know they should stop. They see the line and cross it anyway.

Surely you just want to enjoy the beer, and aren't looking to get

high -- why not try one? Other people don't determine how much

you're going to drink -- you do.

I'm not even a beer drinker but I know exactly what you're referring

to: sometimes, a cold beer sounds good!

> > > >

> > > > Quick question!  Are you an alcoholic?  I was told since I

was

> > very

> > > young that I was an alcoholic.  So I followed my label and

drank

> > > similarto or the same as one.  I quite drinking and attended

AA

> > and

> > > have been sober for 8+ years.  I've seriously questioned this

in

> > the

> > > last couple years.  I accepted the label I was given and no

> longer

> > > know for sure if I am an alcoholic or not.  Either way, I did

> > benefit

> > > GREATLY from my sponser andworking the steps.  But am I?.....

> > > >

> > > >  

> > > > Take Care Of You,

> > > > JaneSoul

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Help me understand this (long,

> > sorry)

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

this

> > > spring

> > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> > always

> > > been

> > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

behind

> > my

> > > back.

> > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters

telling

> me

> > in

> > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> > > failure,

> > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

> > added

> > > on

> > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> because

> > we

> > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > >

> > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

> > he's

> > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to

get

> > her

> > > off

> > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> about

> > > him. We

> > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > information,

> > > my

> > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > >

> > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> > acting

> > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

> > when

> > > he

> > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she

was

> in

> > a

> > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > > husband's

> > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

married

> > the

> > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child

right

> > away

> > > to

> > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our

plan,

> > and

> > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > >

> > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

> my

> > > first

> > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> > children

> > > don't

> > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none

of

> > her

> > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> > eventually

> > > move

> > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth.

This

> > time,

> > > she

> > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > > acknowledges

> > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

> word

> > > when I

> > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

> her

> > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> > > course).

> > > >

> > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> conception

> > of

> > > my

> > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

> > I've

> > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> > stings.

> > > I

> > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > convicted

> > > of

> > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > > accusations.

> > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that

to

> my

> > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> > married

> > > him

> > > > because I was desperate.

> > > >

> > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

should

> I

> > > do? I

> > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

> work?

> > > She

> > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

like

> I

> > > don't

> > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

> > ever

> > > fully

> > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> Occasionally,

> > > she's

> > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > >

> > > > __._,_..___

> > > > Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a

new

> > topic

> > > > Messages

> > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

@

> > > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

> GROUP.

> > > >

> > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-

35-

> > > SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

> > to " Understanding

> > > the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> > > Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome

to

> > the

> > > WTO community!

> > > >

> > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community

and

> > > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> > > >

> > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)

> > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest |

> > Switch

> > > format to Traditional

> > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

> > > > Recent Activity

> > > > *  26

> > > > New MembersVisit Your Group

> > > > Meditation and

> > > > Lovingkindness

> > > > A Yahoo! Group

> > > > to share and learn.

> > > > Yahoo! Health

> > > > Asthma Triggers

> > > > How you can

> > > > identify them.

> > > > Yahoo! Groups

> > > > Discover healthy

> > > > living groups and

> > > > live a full life.

> > > > .

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone that replied to my posts.  I realize this may have gotten a bit

off topic, but is truly something I deal with.  Althoug I won't be running out

to have a drink today   it sure helped to get it out there..

 

Take Care Of You,

JaneSoul

Help me understand this (long,

> > sorry)

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

this

> > > spring

> > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> > always

> > > been

> > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

behind

> > my

> > > back.

> > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling

> me

> > in

> > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> > > failure,

> > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

> > added

> > > on

> > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> because

> > we

> > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > >

> > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

> > he's

> > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to

get

> > her

> > > off

> > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> about

> > > him. We

> > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > information,

> > > my

> > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > >

> > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> > acting

> > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

> > when

> > > he

> > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was

> in

> > a

> > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > > husband's

> > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

married

> > the

> > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

> > away

> > > to

> > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

> > and

> > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > >

> > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

> my

> > > first

> > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> > children

> > > don't

> > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none

of

> > her

> > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> > eventually

> > > move

> > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

> > time,

> > > she

> > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > > acknowledges

> > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

> word

> > > when I

> > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

> her

> > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> > > course).

> > > >

> > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> conception

> > of

> > > my

> > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

> > I've

> > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> > stings.

> > > I

> > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > convicted

> > > of

> > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > > accusations.

> > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to

> my

> > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> > married

> > > him

> > > > because I was desperate.

> > > >

> > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

should

> I

> > > do? I

> > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

> work?

> > > She

> > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

like

> I

> > > don't

> > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

> > ever

> > > fully

> > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> Occasionally,

> > > she's

> > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > >

> > > > __._,_..___

> > > > Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new

> > topic

> > > > Messages

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@

> > > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

> GROUP.

> > > >

> > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-

35-

> > > SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

> > to " Understanding

> > > the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> > > Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

> > the

> > > WTO community!

> > > >

> > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> > > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> > > >

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> > > >

[Guest guest]

me too. And I can imagine how the people she said it to much have

reacted, they probably thought 'what a jerk' even if they didn't say

anything. I think my new nephew and niece are endlessly fascinating,

they change just about every time I see them. I love watching them

learn new things and acquire new skills, and they aren't even mine. I

can't imagine saying something like that out loud, as if children are

supposed to 'interest' their parents. How freaking narcissistic can a

person be?

[Guest guest]

Wanna see her head spin around? Tell her you lost all desire to drink ever since

you took up the pipe. :-)

Re: Help me understand this (long, sorry)

>

> P.S.S.-- my nada " diagnoses " everyone with psychological

> conditions, too.

>

Everyone my Nada paints black is an alcoholic (not really but she

says they are). The last year before I went NC Nada kept insisting I

had a drinking problem. It was maddening. I kept trying to have a

rational discussion with her about the subject of drinking in general

and it was impossible. She had a dream that I died in a drunk

driving accident. From that day forward, it was the never ending

rant about the evils of alcohol. There was no fact she would not

misrepresent to make her point. My favorite quote from this time

period was, " Uncle Jerry's doctor says it's worse to drink than to

smoke. " I wanted to say, " Well then, I guess I'll take up smoking. "

WTF??? Who could possibly believe that a doctor would say that.

The " real " story was that my Uncle was on medication that would

interact with alcohol. If he drank more than a beer or two, he would

have issues with his heart. If I ever questioned my Mom on a fact,

she would say, " Are you calling me a LIAR? " Back then I was too

intimidated to say yes...I usually said yes in an indirect

way, " Well, I don't think you have your facts straight. " Ah well.

[Guest guest]

LOL!!!

> >

> > P.S.S.-- my nada " diagnoses " everyone with psychological

> > conditions, too.

> >

>

> Everyone my Nada paints black is an alcoholic (not really but she

> says they are). The last year before I went NC Nada kept insisting

I

> had a drinking problem. It was maddening. I kept trying to have a

> rational discussion with her about the subject of drinking in

general

> and it was impossible. She had a dream that I died in a drunk

> driving accident. From that day forward, it was the never ending

> rant about the evils of alcohol. There was no fact she would not

> misrepresent to make her point. My favorite quote from this time

> period was, " Uncle Jerry's doctor says it's worse to drink than to

> smoke. " I wanted to say, " Well then, I guess I'll take up

smoking. "

> WTF??? Who could possibly believe that a doctor would say that.

> The " real " story was that my Uncle was on medication that would

> interact with alcohol. If he drank more than a beer or two, he

would

> have issues with his heart. If I ever questioned my Mom on a fact,

> she would say, " Are you calling me a LIAR? " Back then I was too

> intimidated to say yes...I usually said yes in an indirect

> way, " Well, I don't think you have your facts straight. " Ah well.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>