Re: Help me understand this (long, sorry)

[Guest guest]

I am sorry you are being verbally abused to the extent you are, that

is really hard to even read, I can't imagine what it's like hearing

it. I think that the bottom line is her opinions about all of these

things are irrelevant because it's your life, not hers. And truly,

these aren't really 'opinions', they are manifestations of her own

misery and self-hatred that she's trying to foist onto you. They are

efforts at manipulation, getting you to do what she thinks will make

her happy. The sad thing is, she has this mental affliction, and

happiness of the kind she wants is probably impossible for her

without alot of therapy. And that has nothing at all to do with you.

Probably the worst thing you can do is take it on and take it

seriously, which I feel like a hypocrite for saying because I am

around it every day and I know how hard it is to not be affected by

it. The characteristic of them being not 'all bad' is what makes bpd

so hard to deal with. Because few of them are that way, though some

are. It's easier to deal with things that are all bad; like, I don't

eat fattening food that tastes bad, I eat fattening food that tastes

good. The stuff that tastes bad to me I can stay away from. There

just needs to be a firmer boundary between your life and hers. It's

completely possible (in theory) to have a relationship with you

mother where her negative opinions are something she keeps to

herself. The only person who can make that impossible is her, but

that is her choice. This is a great place to learn how to establish

those boundaries. I've had some improvements in my relationship with

my bpd father since I've been here; he doesn't verbalize that stuff

to my face nearly as much, but I know it goes on behind my back just

as much as it ever did (which I can't control so I don't try to

affect that). Hugs.

[Guest guest]

Quick question!  Are you an alcoholic?  I was told since I was very young that I

was an alcoholic.  So I followed my label and drank similarto or the same as

one.  I quite drinking and attended AA and have been sober for 8+ years.  I've

seriously questioned this in the last couple years.  I accepted the label I was

given and no longer know for sure if I am an alcoholic or not.  Either way, I

did benefit GREATLY from my sponser andworking the steps.  But am I?.....

 

Take Care Of You,

JaneSoul

Help me understand this (long, sorry)

My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this spring

until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've always been

the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind my back.

She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me in

excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a failure,

and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she added on

that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because we

were all just a bunch of drunks.

Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks he's

perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get her off

my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about him. We

both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for information, my

parents live far away from us).

I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is acting

like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said when he

got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in a

black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my husband's

plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married the

first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right away to

trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan, and

always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my first

child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my children don't

deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of her

business when we have kids or how many we have! She did eventually move

past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This time, she

is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never acknowledges

it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word when I

asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of course).

The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception of my

first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me. I've

gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this stings. I

read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and convicted of

his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the accusations.

That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only married him

because I was desperate.

Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I do? I

am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work? She

sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I don't

have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is ever fully

black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally, she's

even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

__._,_..___

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[Guest guest]

Can you find a way to become less emotionally attched?  Maybe going to LC could

help get you started. And when you feel more confident and less attached you can

continue a more surfaced relationship.?

 

Take Care Of You,

JaneSoul

Help me understand this (long, sorry)

My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this spring

until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've always been

the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind my back.

She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me in

excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a failure,

and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she added on

that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because we

were all just a bunch of drunks.

Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks he's

perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get her off

my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about him. We

both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for information, my

parents live far away from us).

I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is acting

like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said when he

got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in a

black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my husband's

plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married the

first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right away to

trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan, and

always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my first

child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my children don't

deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of her

business when we have kids or how many we have! She did eventually move

past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This time, she

is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never acknowledges

it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word when I

asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of course).

The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception of my

first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me. I've

gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this stings. I

read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and convicted of

his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the accusations.

That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only married him

because I was desperate.

Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I do? I

am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work? She

sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I don't

have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is ever fully

black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally, she's

even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

[Guest guest]

You definitely need to detach and get out of the terroristic shadow

your mother casts over you. You are an adult, leading your own

family into the future. You don't need a negative " cheerleader "

bringing you down. You have the power to walk away from her, to not

listen to her, to protect yourself. Up to now, you just haven't

used it.

It's time to take care of YOU -- and if that means detaching from

your mother, then do it. And as for explaining yourself over and

over again to her: STOP! You're not a child in front of the Queen!

You don't owe anyone any explanations as to the decisions of you and

your husband for your family. Of course you can let them know of

your plans, but don't stick around for the peanut gallery that

starts telling you what to do! It's only effective if you stick

around for it, which YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO.

Adults don't live their lives by committee -- you make your

decisions based on what you and your husband have decided and you

move forward. Anyone who starts to 2nd guess your decisions and who

throws advice on you (when you haven't asked for it) is not

beneficial to you, so you should limit contact during those times.

Always politely, always firmly.

Start cultivating the mindset that you're an adult, and you deserve

your own life. The critical voices can be stilled -- by YOU. Take

babysteps and start taking back your life.

-Kyla

>

> Can you find a way to become less emotionally attched?  Maybe

going to LC could help get you started. And when you feel more

confident and less attached you can continue a more surfaced

relationship.?

>

>  

> Take Care Of You,

> JaneSoul

>

>

>

> Help me understand this (long, sorry)

>

>

> My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

spring

> until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've always

been

> the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind my

back.

> She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me

in

> excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

failure,

> and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she added

on

> that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because

we

> were all just a bunch of drunks.

>

> Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks he's

> perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get her

off

> my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about

him. We

> both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for information,

my

> parents live far away from us).

>

> I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

acting

> like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said when

he

> got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in a

> black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

husband's

> plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married the

> first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right away

to

> trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan, and

> always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

>

> She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

first

> child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my children

don't

> deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of her

> business when we have kids or how many we have! She did eventually

move

> past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

time, she

> is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

acknowledges

> it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word

when I

> asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

course).

>

> The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception

of my

> first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me. I've

> gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this stings.

I

> read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

convicted of

> his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

accusations.

> That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only married

him

> because I was desperate.

>

> Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I

do? I

> am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work?

She

> sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I

don't

> have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is ever

fully

> black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally,

she's

> even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

No. I've done my share of partying in my youth but would not classify

myself as an alcoholic at all. That's what's so funny about that. She

once went on a tirade about how we were such drinkers to my dad after

we showed up at a 60th b-day party for her with a bottle of wine. O,

and my husband I think had a beer. W-ever.

>

> Quick question!  Are you an alcoholic?  I was told since I was very

young that I was an alcoholic.  So I followed my label and drank

similarto or the same as one.  I quite drinking and attended AA and

have been sober for 8+ years.  I've seriously questioned this in the

last couple years.  I accepted the label I was given and no longer

know for sure if I am an alcoholic or not.  Either way, I did benefit

GREATLY from my sponser andworking the steps.  But am I?.....

>

>  

> Take Care Of You,

> JaneSoul

>

>

>

> Help me understand this (long, sorry)

>

>

> My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

spring

> until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've always

been

> the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind my

back.

> She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me in

> excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

failure,

> and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she added

on

> that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because we

> were all just a bunch of drunks.

>

> Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks he's

> perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get her

off

> my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about

him. We

> both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for information,

my

> parents live far away from us).

>

> I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is acting

> like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said when

he

> got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in a

> black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

husband's

> plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married the

> first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right away

to

> trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan, and

> always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

>

> She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

first

> child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my children

don't

> deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of her

> business when we have kids or how many we have! She did eventually

move

> past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This time,

she

> is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

acknowledges

> it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word

when I

> asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

course).

>

> The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception of

my

> first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me. I've

> gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this stings.

I

> read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and convicted

of

> his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

accusations.

> That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only married

him

> because I was desperate.

>

> Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I

do? I

> am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work?

She

> sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I

don't

> have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is ever

fully

> black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally,

she's

> even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

>

> __._,_..___

> Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic

> Messages

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @...

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the

WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

> Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)

> Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch

format to Traditional

> Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

> Recent Activity

> *  26

> New MembersVisit Your Group

> Meditation and

> Lovingkindness

> A Yahoo! Group

> to share and learn.

> Yahoo! Health

> Asthma Triggers

> How you can

> identify them.

> Yahoo! Groups

> Discover healthy

> living groups and

> live a full life.

> .

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I am more and more coming to this conclusion myself. My husband and I

decided it was in both of our best interests not to share these plans

and goals with our families anymore until they NEED to know. " Need to

know basis " is becoming our mantra. We aren't going to tell them

about his search for work when we are ready to start moving, our

apartment search, my applying for another masters, or anything. When

it's time to move, we'll send out a letter letting everyone know the

new address and that's it.

As far as my pregnancy goes. I am currently on a personal campaign to

feel the happiness I know is in there. I knew from the get go that

she was going to have this reaction and I let it mar my own joy. And

it mars my joy still. So I'm saying " frig her " in my head and letting

the love pour out for my new baby. I'm only 14 weeks, so I have

plenty of time to wash her (I think it's a girl this time) in my love

in there. She (or he) deserves nothing less!

> >

> > Can you find a way to become less emotionally attched?  Maybe

> going to LC could help get you started. And when you feel more

> confident and less attached you can continue a more surfaced

> relationship.?

> >

> >  

> > Take Care Of You,

> > JaneSoul

> >

> >

> >

> > Help me understand this (long, sorry)

> >

> >

> > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> spring

> > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

always

> been

> > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind my

> back.

> > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me

> in

> > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> failure,

> > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she added

> on

> > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because

> we

> > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> >

> > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks he's

> > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

her

> off

> > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about

> him. We

> > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

information,

> my

> > parents live far away from us).

> >

> > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> acting

> > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said when

> he

> > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in

a

> > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> husband's

> > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

the

> > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

away

> to

> > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan, and

> > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> >

> > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

> first

> > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my children

> don't

> > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

her

> > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

eventually

> move

> > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

> time, she

> > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> acknowledges

> > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word

> when I

> > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> course).

> >

> > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception

> of my

> > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me. I've

> > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

stings.

> I

> > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> convicted of

> > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> accusations.

> > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only married

> him

> > because I was desperate.

> >

> > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I

> do? I

> > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work?

> She

> > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I

> don't

> > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is ever

> fully

> > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally,

> she's

> > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

wow...sounds like SOMEONE is projecting...

did your mom get knocked up to keep a husband (whether in reality or

just in her head), then become resentful because motherhood was about

more than getting attention and cute baby outfits?

just saying...

bink

>

> My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this spring

> until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've always been

> the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind my back.

> She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me in

> excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a failure,

> and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she added on

> that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because we

> were all just a bunch of drunks.

>

> Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks he's

> perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get her off

> my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about him. We

> both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for information, my

> parents live far away from us).

>

> I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is acting

> like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said when he

> got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in a

> black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my husband's

> plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married the

> first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right away to

> trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan, and

> always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

>

> She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my first

> child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my children don't

> deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of her

> business when we have kids or how many we have! She did eventually move

> past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This time, she

> is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never acknowledges

> it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word when I

> asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of course).

>

> The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception of my

> first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me. I've

> gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this stings. I

> read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and convicted of

> his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the accusations.

> That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only married him

> because I was desperate.

>

> Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I do? I

> am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work? She

> sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I don't

> have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is ever fully

> black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally, she's

> even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

>

[Guest guest]

O yeah, she's projecting a ton, I can see. She got married at 18 and had

two kids right off the bat. I'm her 4th and youngest child. She always

told me growing up she wished she hadn't had kids, and that she'd wanted

to abort me but my dad wouldn't let her. My sister tells me how she had

severe post partum depression with me and never picked me up or soothed

my crying, nothing. The other military wives took turns caring for me,

and one even wanted to adopt me.

I do think she's projecting, but why I don't know. I'm in my MID

THIRTIES! I did not get married until 2.5 years ago. We are having our

kids fast because I don't want a toddler at 40. And why am I explaining

my decisions again? HAHA!

I think the only reason I'm even close to healthy is because of my dad,

who has his own issues but at least I always knew he loved me and he

never hurt me in any way. And there always seemed to be someone around

that really cared for me outside the family. I was truly lucky that

way. Becoming healthy, healing these wounds, and trying to maintain my

own sense of emotional health is hard and I work at it constantly. But I

look at my son and know it's all worth it.

> >

> > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

spring

> > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've always

been

> > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind my

back.

> > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me in

> > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a failure,

> > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she added on

> > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because we

> > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> >

> > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks he's

> > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get her

off

> > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about him.

We

> > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for information,

my

> > parents live far away from us).

> >

> > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is acting

> > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said when he

> > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in a

> > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

husband's

> > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married the

> > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right away

to

> > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan, and

> > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> >

> > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

first

> > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my children

don't

> > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of her

> > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did eventually

move

> > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This time,

she

> > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never acknowledges

> > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word when

I

> > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of course).

> >

> > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception of

my

> > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me. I've

> > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this stings. I

> > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and convicted

of

> > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the accusations.

> > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only married

him

> > because I was desperate.

> >

> > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I do?

I

> > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work? She

> > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I

don't

> > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is ever

fully

> > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally,

she's

> > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I know exactly what you are going through. I tried to do it in the right

sequence, date, marry, have kids. Unfortunately, I was so damaged inside that I

never dated, did not marry and nearly missed out on kids. I decided to take

matters into my own hands and 39 and decided to have a baby as a single mother.

It turned out that I needed fertility help since I have problems with

endometriosis and fibroids, big time. When I asked my nada for help, she blew a

gasket in a big way. As I look back on it, it is darkly funny. She was crying

and carrying on asking me how I could do this to HER. My god, grow the f** up

woman. At the time I was devastated, but I went through with it because the

window of opportunity was closing fast. Even my brother tried to talk me out of

it, but I didn't listen.

Today I have a wacky seven year old who is just like his momma in all the best

ways. I do not regret what I did. My only regret is that I waited too long. I am

planning on a second child because I want one and guess what? Same push back. It

is as if they are so consumed with keeping you down that they cannot stand to

see you happy for a second. I will have to go through treatments again but this

time I am telling nada to help me not asking. If she decides to flake out, so be

it. I will work around her. You just enjoy the process of being preggers. Let

them stew as they like.

Be strong

Re: Help me understand this (long, sorry)

O yeah, she's projecting a ton, I can see. She got married at 18 and had

two kids right off the bat. I'm her 4th and youngest child. She always

told me growing up she wished she hadn't had kids, and that she'd wanted

to abort me but my dad wouldn't let her. My sister tells me how she had

severe post partum depression with me and never picked me up or soothed

my crying, nothing. The other military wives took turns caring for me,

and one even wanted to adopt me.

I do think she's projecting, but why I don't know. I'm in my MID

THIRTIES! I did not get married until 2.5 years ago. We are having our

kids fast because I don't want a toddler at 40. And why am I explaining

my decisions again? HAHA!

I think the only reason I'm even close to healthy is because of my dad,

who has his own issues but at least I always knew he loved me and he

never hurt me in any way. And there always seemed to be someone around

that really cared for me outside the family. I was truly lucky that

way. Becoming healthy, healing these wounds, and trying to maintain my

own sense of emotional health is hard and I work at it constantly. But I

look at my son and know it's all worth it.

> >

> > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

spring

> > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've always

been

> > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind my

back.

> > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me in

> > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a failure,

> > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she added on

> > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because we

> > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> >

> > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks he's

> > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get her

off

> > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about him.

We

> > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for information,

my

> > parents live far away from us).

> >

> > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is acting

> > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said when he

> > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in a

> > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

husband's

> > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married the

> > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right away

to

> > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan, and

> > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> >

> > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

first

> > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my children

don't

> > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of her

> > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did eventually

move

> > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This time,

she

> > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never acknowledges

> > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word when

I

> > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of course).

> >

> > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception of

my

> > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me. I've

> > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this stings. I

> > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and convicted

of

> > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the accusations.

> > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only married

him

> > because I was desperate.

> >

> > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I do?

I

> > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work? She

> > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I

don't

> > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is ever

fully

> > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally,

she's

> > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well there's your " out " right there: She never wanted kids, and she

wanted to abort you. If that's how she felt about you, ask yourself

why you feel guilty about taking a breather from her for awhile?

You'll be giving her what she wants! Take her at her own word!

> > >

> > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> spring

> > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

always

> been

> > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

my

> back.

> > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling

me in

> > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

failure,

> > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

added on

> > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

because we

> > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > >

> > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

he's

> > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

her

> off

> > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

about him.

> We

> > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

information,

> my

> > > parents live far away from us).

> > >

> > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

acting

> > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

when he

> > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was

in a

> > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> husband's

> > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

the

> > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

away

> to

> > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

and

> > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > >

> > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

> first

> > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

children

> don't

> > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

her

> > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

eventually

> move

> > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

time,

> she

> > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

acknowledges

> > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

word when

> I

> > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

her

> > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

course).

> > >

> > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

conception of

> my

> > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

I've

> > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

stings. I

> > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

convicted

> of

> > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

accusations.

> > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to

my

> > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

married

> him

> > > because I was desperate.

> > >

> > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should

I do?

> I

> > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

work? She

> > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like

I

> don't

> > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

ever

> fully

> > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

Occasionally,

> she's

> > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

goodness gracious. she blames your existence on your father. don't

these people take responsibility for ANYTHING in their lives?

i have two cousins who also have a crazy mother (she would get an

invite to go out of town with her friends and not tell anyone where

she was going and the cousins wouldn't have anyone to pick them up

from school...way crazy stuff...) and she tells her kids that they

should never have kids, that life is better without kids, that they'll

miss out on life if they have kids. WTF!!??!

and i also don't see the point in telling kids they were not wanted.

i mean, all they can do about it is kill themselves. kids don't make

themselves... i read an article in cosmo or something equally vile

about a mom who didn't want to have her daughter, and she told her

daughter this and the mom is so proud that the kid is mature enough to

handle the fact that the mom resents that she can't go out and have

fun like a single person because she has to take care of her kid.

umm...how the HELL are you supposed to react to that? " i...um...okay? "

there is nothing that pisses me off more than adults telling their

kids that making them was a mistake... that's not true. the only

thing that pisses me off more is when moms allow their children to be

molested/abused and don't do anything to stop it. pardon my french,

but that is completely fucked up.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! NOW I'M MAD AT YOUR MOM!

bink

> > >

> > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> spring

> > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've always

> been

> > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind my

> back.

> > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me in

> > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a failure,

> > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she added on

> > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because we

> > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > >

> > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks he's

> > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get her

> off

> > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about him.

> We

> > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for information,

> my

> > > parents live far away from us).

> > >

> > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is acting

> > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said when he

> > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in a

> > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> husband's

> > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married the

> > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right away

> to

> > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan, and

> > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > >

> > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

> first

> > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my children

> don't

> > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of her

> > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did eventually

> move

> > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This time,

> she

> > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never acknowledges

> > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word when

> I

> > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of course).

> > >

> > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception of

> my

> > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me. I've

> > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this stings. I

> > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and convicted

> of

> > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the accusations.

> > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only married

> him

> > > because I was desperate.

> > >

> > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I do?

> I

> > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work? She

> > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I

> don't

> > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is ever

> fully

> > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally,

> she's

> > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Good for you and your upcoming new arrival!

And as for this in your previous post -- I see where you can start

making changes:

" she was in a black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was

ruining my husband's plans and dreams. She has also said in the past

that I married the first man that would have me (not true) and had a

child right away to trap him (again not true) "

" Black rage " is a dealbreaker for ANY interaction with ANYONE (add

that to your list of mantras!). Next time she (or anyone else) goes

into a black rage, you remain decidedly calm and focus on her

behavior. You stand up and say " Oh goodness, looks like you're

having a bad day, I'm going to give you the space you need. We're

going now. "

Or, if she does this at your house, you tell her " You need to

collect yourself or go home and do it. I can't have you doing this

in my home. "

Don't engage in the issue she's raging about -- Engage her about her

RAGE. Call her on it. Calmly and politely -- and when she

continues to rage, repeat yourself calmly and politely. Repeat

calmly and politely while you're gather your things (or her things)

and heading for the door.

Have your purse and keys in a place where you can get them quickly --

you can even smile while you're doing it. At no time would you

match her emotional rage -- you keep calm. It will teach her (and

you!) that her rage doesn't have to be your problem.

This can be done on the phone, too. I started doing it with my

mother: " Oh, looks like you're having a tough time -- I'm going to

give you the space you need. Bye. " CLICK.

Overriding principle of this: KEEP THEIR PROBLEM AS THEIR PROBLEM.

DON'T JUMP IN AND MAKE IT YOURS, TOO. STAY DETACHED.

First babystep!

-Kyla

> > >

> > > Can you find a way to become less emotionally attched?  Maybe

> > going to LC could help get you started. And when you feel more

> > confident and less attached you can continue a more surfaced

> > relationship.?

> > >

> > >  

> > > Take Care Of You,

> > > JaneSoul

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Help me understand this (long,

sorry)

> > >

> > >

> > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> > spring

> > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> always

> > been

> > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

my

> > back.

> > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling

me

> > in

> > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> > failure,

> > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

added

> > on

> > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

because

> > we

> > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > >

> > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

he's

> > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

> her

> > off

> > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

about

> > him. We

> > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> information,

> > my

> > > parents live far away from us).

> > >

> > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> > acting

> > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

when

> > he

> > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was

in

> a

> > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > husband's

> > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

> the

> > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

> away

> > to

> > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

and

> > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > >

> > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

my

> > first

> > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

children

> > don't

> > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

> her

> > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> eventually

> > move

> > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

> > time, she

> > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > acknowledges

> > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

word

> > when I

> > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

her

> > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> > course).

> > >

> > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

conception

> > of my

> > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

I've

> > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> stings.

> > I

> > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > convicted of

> > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > accusations.

> > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to

my

> > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

married

> > him

> > > because I was desperate.

> > >

> > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should

I

> > do? I

> > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

work?

> > She

> > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like

I

> > don't

> > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

ever

> > fully

> > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

Occasionally,

> > she's

> > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

One other thing you can say if she goes into another black rage in

your presence (or on the phone) -- this will further delineate that

this is HER behavior and keep you detached from it:

" I'm worried about how worked up you are, are you OK to

drive? " ..... " ....you'd better stay at home today until you're able

to be calmer -- I'm worried you'll get in an accident. "

-K.

> > > >

> > > > Can you find a way to become less emotionally attched? 

Maybe

> > > going to LC could help get you started. And when you feel more

> > > confident and less attached you can continue a more surfaced

> > > relationship.?

> > > >

> > > >  

> > > > Take Care Of You,

> > > > JaneSoul

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Help me understand this (long,

> sorry)

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

this

> > > spring

> > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> > always

> > > been

> > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

behind

> my

> > > back.

> > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters

telling

> me

> > > in

> > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> > > failure,

> > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

> added

> > > on

> > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> because

> > > we

> > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > >

> > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

> he's

> > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to

get

> > her

> > > off

> > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> about

> > > him. We

> > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > information,

> > > my

> > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > >

> > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> > > acting

> > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

> when

> > > he

> > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she

was

> in

> > a

> > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > > husband's

> > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

married

> > the

> > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child

right

> > away

> > > to

> > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our

plan,

> and

> > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > >

> > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

> my

> > > first

> > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> children

> > > don't

> > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none

of

> > her

> > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> > eventually

> > > move

> > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth.

This

> > > time, she

> > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > > acknowledges

> > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

> word

> > > when I

> > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

> her

> > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> > > course).

> > > >

> > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> conception

> > > of my

> > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

> I've

> > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> > stings.

> > > I

> > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > > convicted of

> > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > > accusations.

> > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that

to

> my

> > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> married

> > > him

> > > > because I was desperate.

> > > >

> > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

should

> I

> > > do? I

> > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

> work?

> > > She

> > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

like

> I

> > > don't

> > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

> ever

> > > fully

> > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> Occasionally,

> > > she's

> > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Excellent points, Bink! Why tell a child that if not for the sole

purpose of hurting the child to his/her very core?!!!

And if they keep saying it, if it were me, when I became an adult, I

would not feel guilty about cutting off contact. If they asked, I'd

say " But you didn't want me, remember? "

(Or how about " I never wanted a mom " --LOL!)

Jokes aside -- that's a cruel abuse of power by a parent. The child

is justified in staying away when they become an adult. We are not

obligated to keep company with cruel people.

> > > >

> > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

this

> > spring

> > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

always

> > been

> > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

behind my

> > back.

> > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters

telling me in

> > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

failure,

> > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

added on

> > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

because we

> > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > >

> > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

he's

> > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to

get her

> > off

> > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

about him.

> > We

> > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

information,

> > my

> > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > >

> > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

acting

> > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

when he

> > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she

was in a

> > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > husband's

> > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

married the

> > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child

right away

> > to

> > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our

plan, and

> > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > >

> > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

my

> > first

> > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

children

> > don't

> > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none

of her

> > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

eventually

> > move

> > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth.

This time,

> > she

> > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

acknowledges

> > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

word when

> > I

> > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

her

> > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

course).

> > > >

> > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

conception of

> > my

> > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

I've

> > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

stings. I

> > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

convicted

> > of

> > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

accusations.

> > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that

to my

> > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

married

> > him

> > > > because I was desperate.

> > > >

> > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

should I do?

> > I

> > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

work? She

> > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

like I

> > don't

> > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

ever

> > fully

> > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

Occasionally,

> > she's

> > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thank you for these words that you wrote. It's just the reminder of

what I need to do right now to reduce my anxiety and feel more in

control of the situation Even though nada is 82 and demented her

black rages seem to be more prevalent as she loses control of her life

(losing control of her life to me is a major trigger). This group

works mysterious ways! I cut and pasted it to Word!

> > > >

> > > > Can you find a way to become less emotionally attched?  Maybe

> > > going to LC could help get you started. And when you feel more

> > > confident and less attached you can continue a more surfaced

> > > relationship.?

> > > >

> > > >  

> > > > Take Care Of You,

> > > > JaneSoul

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Help me understand this (long,

> sorry)

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

this

> > > spring

> > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> > always

> > > been

> > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

behind

> my

> > > back.

> > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling

> me

> > > in

> > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> > > failure,

> > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

> added

> > > on

> > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> because

> > > we

> > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > >

> > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

> he's

> > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to

get

> > her

> > > off

> > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> about

> > > him. We

> > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > information,

> > > my

> > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > >

> > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> > > acting

> > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

> when

> > > he

> > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was

> in

> > a

> > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> > > husband's

> > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

married

> > the

> > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

> > away

> > > to

> > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

> and

> > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > >

> > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

> my

> > > first

> > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> children

> > > don't

> > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none

of

> > her

> > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> > eventually

> > > move

> > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

> > > time, she

> > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > > acknowledges

> > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

> word

> > > when I

> > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

> her

> > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> > > course).

> > > >

> > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> conception

> > > of my

> > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

> I've

> > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> > stings.

> > > I

> > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > > convicted of

> > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > > accusations.

> > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to

> my

> > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> married

> > > him

> > > > because I was desperate.

> > > >

> > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

should

> I

> > > do? I

> > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

> work?

> > > She

> > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

like

> I

> > > don't

> > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

> ever

> > > fully

> > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> Occasionally,

> > > she's

> > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

This board works wonders -- keep coming back -- so glad you've found

comfort........

Another thing that might keep you from losing your emotional grip in

dealings with your mother is to remind yourself it's not just about

you anymore -- you're now a role model for your children and how

they should interact with bullies. Your actions will speak more

loudly than your words. You can model for them that they don't have

to be tossed about by every blustery blowhard that comes across

their path -- and they are out there, believe me!

Just picture yourself as always teaching your children -- someday,

they'll have to navigate this world without you and the tools you

give them for dealing with the world will be your greatest legacy to

them.

{big hugs}

Kyla

> > > > >

> > > > > Can you find a way to become less emotionally attched? 

Maybe

> > > > going to LC could help get you started. And when you feel

more

> > > > confident and less attached you can continue a more surfaced

> > > > relationship.?

> > > > >

> > > > >  

> > > > > Take Care Of You,

> > > > > JaneSoul

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Help me understand this

(long,

> > sorry)

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

> this

> > > > spring

> > > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband.

I've

> > > always

> > > > been

> > > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

> behind

> > my

> > > > back.

> > > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters

telling

> > me

> > > > in

> > > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and

a

> > > > failure,

> > > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore.

she

> > added

> > > > on

> > > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> > because

> > > > we

> > > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > > >

> > > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and

thinks

> > he's

> > > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to

> get

> > > her

> > > > off

> > > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> > about

> > > > him. We

> > > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > > information,

> > > > my

> > > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > > >

> > > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she

is

> > > > acting

> > > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad

said

> > when

> > > > he

> > > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she

was

> > in

> > > a

> > > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining

my

> > > > husband's

> > > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

> married

> > > the

> > > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child

right

> > > away

> > > > to

> > > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our

plan,

> > and

> > > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > > >

> > > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant

with

> > my

> > > > first

> > > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> > children

> > > > don't

> > > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's

none

> of

> > > her

> > > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> > > eventually

> > > > move

> > > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth.

This

> > > > time, she

> > > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > > > acknowledges

> > > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

> > word

> > > > when I

> > > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I

got

> > her

> > > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong

of

> > > > course).

> > > > >

> > > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> > conception

> > > > of my

> > > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to

me.

> > I've

> > > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> > > stings.

> > > > I

> > > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > > > convicted of

> > > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > > > accusations.

> > > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that

to

> > my

> > > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> > married

> > > > him

> > > > > because I was desperate.

> > > > >

> > > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

> should

> > I

> > > > do? I

> > > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

> > work?

> > > > She

> > > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

> like

> > I

> > > > don't

> > > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing

is

> > ever

> > > > fully

> > > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> > Occasionally,

> > > > she's

> > > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

[Guest guest]

When a mother says " I never wanted children to her child, I wish.....

Oh, if only as children we had the presence of mind to answer:

" Oh yeah? You think it's easy having a suck-ass mother? "

Sheesh.

> > > > >

> > > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

> this

> > > spring

> > > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband.

I've

> always

> > > been

> > > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

> behind my

> > > back.

> > > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters

> telling me in

> > > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and

a

> failure,

> > > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore.

she

> added on

> > > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> because we

> > > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > > >

> > > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and

thinks

> he's

> > > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to

> get her

> > > off

> > > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> about him.

> > > We

> > > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> information,

> > > my

> > > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > > >

> > > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she

is

> acting

> > > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad

said

> when he

> > > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she

> was in a

> > > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining

my

> > > husband's

> > > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

> married the

> > > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child

> right away

> > > to

> > > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our

> plan, and

> > > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > > >

> > > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant

with

> my

> > > first

> > > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> children

> > > don't

> > > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's

none

> of her

> > > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> eventually

> > > move

> > > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth.

> This time,

> > > she

> > > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> acknowledges

> > > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

> word when

> > > I

> > > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I

got

> her

> > > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong

of

> course).

> > > > >

> > > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> conception of

> > > my

> > > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to

me.

> I've

> > > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> stings. I

> > > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> convicted

> > > of

> > > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> accusations.

> > > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that

> to my

> > > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> married

> > > him

> > > > > because I was desperate.

> > > > >

> > > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

> should I do?

> > > I

> > > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

> work? She

> > > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

> like I

> > > don't

> > > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing

is

> ever

> > > fully

> > > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> Occasionally,

> > > she's

> > > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Me, too. In my case, I definitely sought escape in alcohol in my

youth -- when I went to college, I was free of the choking control

of my mother -- and I didn't know how to manage that freedom. I

thank God I survived it without more consequences than I suffered.

(And make no mistake, I did suffer quite a few consequences. But I

have survived them.)

I'm now in my 40's (46th birthday is Monday! kylaboo7-28, get it?

Woo Hoo!) and have finally learned how to manage MOST of my

freedom. I do have my struggles (and there will always be

SOMETHING, as long as I'm alive), but losing control over alcohol

isn't one of them anymore, thank God.

But I can't really blame me (or anyone else) for seeking solace in

alcohol after such an emotionally stifling environment. Can't blame

us, but we're still responsible for getting a handle on it. That's

life.

-Kyla

> >

> > Quick question!  Are you an alcoholic?  I was told since I was

very

> young that I was an alcoholic.  So I followed my label and drank

> similarto or the same as one.  I quite drinking and attended AA

and

> have been sober for 8+ years.  I've seriously questioned this in

the

> last couple years.  I accepted the label I was given and no longer

> know for sure if I am an alcoholic or not.  Either way, I did

benefit

> GREATLY from my sponser andworking the steps.  But am I?.....

> >

> >  

> > Take Care Of You,

> > JaneSoul

> >

> >

> >

> > Help me understand this (long,

sorry)

> >

> >

> > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> spring

> > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

always

> been

> > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

my

> back.

> > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me

in

> > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> failure,

> > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

added

> on

> > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because

we

> > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> >

> > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

he's

> > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

her

> off

> > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about

> him. We

> > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

information,

> my

> > parents live far away from us).

> >

> > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

acting

> > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

when

> he

> > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in

a

> > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> husband's

> > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

the

> > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

away

> to

> > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

and

> > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> >

> > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

> first

> > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

children

> don't

> > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

her

> > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

eventually

> move

> > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

time,

> she

> > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> acknowledges

> > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word

> when I

> > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> course).

> >

> > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception

of

> my

> > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

I've

> > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

stings.

> I

> > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

convicted

> of

> > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> accusations.

> > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

married

> him

> > because I was desperate.

> >

> > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I

> do? I

> > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work?

> She

> > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I

> don't

> > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

ever

> fully

> > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally,

> she's

> > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> >

> > __._,_..___

> > Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new

topic

> > Messages

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

to " Understanding

> the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

the

> WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

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> >

[Guest guest]

Practice and role play with your husband! Trust me -- it works!

Rehearsals really help! They're like fire drills -- they keep you

calm in a stressful situation, while proceeding to do what you

already know how to do.

> > > > >

> > > > > Can you find a way to become less emotionally attched? 

Maybe

> > > > going to LC could help get you started. And when you feel

more

> > > > confident and less attached you can continue a more surfaced

> > > > relationship.?

> > > > >

> > > > >  

> > > > > Take Care Of You,

> > > > > JaneSoul

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Help me understand this

(long,

> > sorry)

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

> this

> > > > spring

> > > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband.

I've

> > > always

> > > > been

> > > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

> behind

> > my

> > > > back.

> > > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters

telling

> > me

> > > > in

> > > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and

a

> > > > failure,

> > > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore.

she

> > added

> > > > on

> > > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> > because

> > > > we

> > > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > > >

> > > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and

thinks

> > he's

> > > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to

> get

> > > her

> > > > off

> > > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> > about

> > > > him. We

> > > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > > information,

> > > > my

> > > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > > >

> > > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she

is

> > > > acting

> > > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad

said

> > when

> > > > he

> > > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she

was

> > in

> > > a

> > > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining

my

> > > > husband's

> > > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

> married

> > > the

> > > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child

right

> > > away

> > > > to

> > > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our

plan,

> > and

> > > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > > >

> > > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant

with

> > my

> > > > first

> > > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> > children

> > > > don't

> > > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's

none

> of

> > > her

> > > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> > > eventually

> > > > move

> > > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth.

This

> > > > time, she

> > > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > > > acknowledges

> > > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

> > word

> > > > when I

> > > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I

got

> > her

> > > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong

of

> > > > course).

> > > > >

> > > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> > conception

> > > > of my

> > > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to

me.

> > I've

> > > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> > > stings.

> > > > I

> > > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > > > convicted of

> > > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > > > accusations.

> > > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that

to

> > my

> > > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> > married

> > > > him

> > > > > because I was desperate.

> > > > >

> > > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

> should

> > I

> > > > do? I

> > > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

> > work?

> > > > She

> > > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

> like

> > I

> > > > don't

> > > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing

is

> > ever

> > > > fully

> > > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> > Occasionally,

> > > > she's

> > > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

[Guest guest]

These are truly horrible things to say to anyone. I would say, at the

very least, when she says something terrible, start by calling her on

it: " that was a cruel thing to say. "

I think we learn to try and " ignore " mean comments, when we should

really be calling someone on it.

>

> My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this spring

> until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've always been

> the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind my back.

> She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me in

> excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a failure,

> and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she added on

> that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because we

> were all just a bunch of drunks.

>

> Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks he's

> perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get her off

> my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about him. We

> both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for information, my

> parents live far away from us).

>

> I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is acting

> like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said when he

> got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in a

> black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my husband's

> plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married the

> first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right away to

> trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan, and

> always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

>

> She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my first

> child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my children don't

> deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of her

> business when we have kids or how many we have! She did eventually move

> past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This time, she

> is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never acknowledges

> it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word when I

> asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of course).

>

> The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception of my

> first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me. I've

> gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this stings. I

> read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and convicted of

> his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the accusations.

> That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only married him

> because I was desperate.

>

> Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I do? I

> am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work? She

> sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I don't

> have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is ever fully

> black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally, she's

> even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

>

[Guest guest]

You are absolutely right about the role model thing. I was talking

to my daughter(24) after my last visit with nada when I came home

very upset(I was blamed for forcing nada to be selfless, I was taking

away her dignity, I was withholding money from her etc.,and my

daughter said, " mom, don't go and visit for a while. It's not good

for you and it bothers me to see you upset. " Then yesterday, we were

discussing how we take on others projected emotions and cannot

seperate them from ourselves. I guess I've done a " good " job passing

on some " bad " traits. Well, at least we realize it and my son(20)

somehow seems unscathed....a good role model for me!

Thanks again!

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Can you find a way to become less emotionally attched? 

> Maybe

> > > > > going to LC could help get you started. And when you feel

> more

> > > > > confident and less attached you can continue a more

surfaced

> > > > > relationship.?

> > > > > >

> > > > > >  

> > > > > > Take Care Of You,

> > > > > > JaneSoul

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Help me understand this

> (long,

> > > sorry)

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

> > this

> > > > > spring

> > > > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband.

> I've

> > > > always

> > > > > been

> > > > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

> > behind

> > > my

> > > > > back.

> > > > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters

> telling

> > > me

> > > > > in

> > > > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and

> a

> > > > > failure,

> > > > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore.

> she

> > > added

> > > > > on

> > > > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> > > because

> > > > > we

> > > > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and

> thinks

> > > he's

> > > > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan

to

> > get

> > > > her

> > > > > off

> > > > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> > > about

> > > > > him. We

> > > > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > > > information,

> > > > > my

> > > > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she

> is

> > > > > acting

> > > > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad

> said

> > > when

> > > > > he

> > > > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she

> was

> > > in

> > > > a

> > > > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining

> my

> > > > > husband's

> > > > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

> > married

> > > > the

> > > > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child

> right

> > > > away

> > > > > to

> > > > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our

> plan,

> > > and

> > > > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant

> with

> > > my

> > > > > first

> > > > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> > > children

> > > > > don't

> > > > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's

> none

> > of

> > > > her

> > > > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> > > > eventually

> > > > > move

> > > > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth.

> This

> > > > > time, she

> > > > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > > > > acknowledges

> > > > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back

one

> > > word

> > > > > when I

> > > > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I

> got

> > > her

> > > > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong

> of

> > > > > course).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> > > conception

> > > > > of my

> > > > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to

> me.

> > > I've

> > > > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but

this

> > > > stings.

> > > > > I

> > > > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > > > > convicted of

> > > > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > > > > accusations.

> > > > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending

that

> to

> > > my

> > > > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> > > married

> > > > > him

> > > > > > because I was desperate.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

> > should

> > > I

> > > > > do? I

> > > > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does

that

> > > work?

> > > > > She

> > > > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

> > like

> > > I

> > > > > don't

> > > > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing

> is

> > > ever

> > > > > fully

> > > > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> > > Occasionally,

> > > > > she's

> > > > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

[Guest guest]

Hey, imbi! I may have gotten you mixed up with our poster who is a

first-time mother to be -- but it's NEVER too late to learn lessons

in life, is it? When we stop learning, we stop living. You've

obviously done a great job with your now-grown kids!

-kyla

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Can you find a way to become less emotionally

attched? 

> > Maybe

> > > > > > going to LC could help get you started. And when you

feel

> > more

> > > > > > confident and less attached you can continue a more

> surfaced

> > > > > > relationship.?

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >  

> > > > > > > Take Care Of You,

> > > > > > > JaneSoul

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Help me understand this

> > (long,

> > > > sorry)

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to

NYC

> > > this

> > > > > > spring

> > > > > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband.

> > I've

> > > > > always

> > > > > > been

> > > > > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face

and

> > > behind

> > > > my

> > > > > > back.

> > > > > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters

> > telling

> > > > me

> > > > > > in

> > > > > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic,

and

> > a

> > > > > > failure,

> > > > > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship

anymore.

> > she

> > > > added

> > > > > > on

> > > > > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave

me

> > > > because

> > > > > > we

> > > > > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and

> > thinks

> > > > he's

> > > > > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC

plan

> to

> > > get

> > > > > her

> > > > > > off

> > > > > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is

mainly

> > > > about

> > > > > > him. We

> > > > > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > > > > information,

> > > > > > my

> > > > > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now

she

> > is

> > > > > > acting

> > > > > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My

dad

> > said

> > > > when

> > > > > > he

> > > > > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon,

she

> > was

> > > > in

> > > > > a

> > > > > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was

ruining

> > my

> > > > > > husband's

> > > > > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

> > > married

> > > > > the

> > > > > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a

child

> > right

> > > > > away

> > > > > > to

> > > > > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of

our

> > plan,

> > > > and

> > > > > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was

pregnant

> > with

> > > > my

> > > > > > first

> > > > > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel

my

> > > > children

> > > > > > don't

> > > > > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's

> > none

> > > of

> > > > > her

> > > > > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She

did

> > > > > eventually

> > > > > > move

> > > > > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his

birth.

> > This

> > > > > > time, she

> > > > > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant,

never

> > > > > > acknowledges

> > > > > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back

> one

> > > > word

> > > > > > when I

> > > > > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if

I

> > got

> > > > her

> > > > > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was

wrong

> > of

> > > > > > course).

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> > > > conception

> > > > > > of my

> > > > > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful

to

> > me.

> > > > I've

> > > > > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but

> this

> > > > > stings.

> > > > > > I

> > > > > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried,

and

> > > > > > convicted of

> > > > > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about

the

> > > > > > accusations.

> > > > > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending

> that

> > to

> > > > my

> > > > > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I

only

> > > > married

> > > > > > him

> > > > > > > because I was desperate.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out?

What

> > > should

> > > > I

> > > > > > do? I

> > > > > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does

> that

> > > > work?

> > > > > > She

> > > > > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I

feel

> > > like

> > > > I

> > > > > > don't

> > > > > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature,

nothing

> > is

> > > > ever

> > > > > > fully

> > > > > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> > > > Occasionally,

> > > > > > she's

> > > > > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

[Guest guest]

You are right. I've done it a few times, maybe not quite so bluntly

though. And she always calims she was " kidding " . She does this to my

poor dad all the time. But I think maybe if we keep calling her out

on it, she'll get that we don't appreciate her " sense of humor " .

> >

> > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

spring

> > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

always been

> > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind my

back.

> > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling me

in

> > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

failure,

> > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she added

on

> > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me because

we

> > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> >

> > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks he's

> > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

her off

> > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly about

him. We

> > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

information, my

> > parents live far away from us).

> >

> > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

acting

> > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said when

he

> > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was in

a

> > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

husband's

> > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

the

> > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

away to

> > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

and

> > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> >

> > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with my

first

> > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my children

don't

> > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

her

> > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

eventually move

> > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

time, she

> > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

acknowledges

> > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one word

when I

> > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got her

> > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

course).

> >

> > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the conception

of my

> > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me. I've

> > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

stings. I

> > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

convicted of

> > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

accusations.

> > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to my

> > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only married

him

> > because I was desperate.

> >

> > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should I

do? I

> > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that work?

She

> > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like I

don't

> > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is ever

fully

> > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad. Occasionally,

she's

> > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I will. that's a great idea!

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Can you find a way to become less emotionally attched? 

> Maybe

> > > > > going to LC could help get you started. And when you feel

> more

> > > > > confident and less attached you can continue a more

surfaced

> > > > > relationship.?

> > > > > >

> > > > > >  

> > > > > > Take Care Of You,

> > > > > > JaneSoul

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Help me understand this

> (long,

> > > sorry)

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC

> > this

> > > > > spring

> > > > > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband.

> I've

> > > > always

> > > > > been

> > > > > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and

> > behind

> > > my

> > > > > back.

> > > > > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters

> telling

> > > me

> > > > > in

> > > > > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and

> a

> > > > > failure,

> > > > > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore.

> she

> > > added

> > > > > on

> > > > > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

> > > because

> > > > > we

> > > > > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and

> thinks

> > > he's

> > > > > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan

to

> > get

> > > > her

> > > > > off

> > > > > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

> > > about

> > > > > him. We

> > > > > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> > > > information,

> > > > > my

> > > > > > parents live far away from us).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she

> is

> > > > > acting

> > > > > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad

> said

> > > when

> > > > > he

> > > > > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she

> was

> > > in

> > > > a

> > > > > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining

> my

> > > > > husband's

> > > > > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I

> > married

> > > > the

> > > > > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child

> right

> > > > away

> > > > > to

> > > > > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our

> plan,

> > > and

> > > > > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant

> with

> > > my

> > > > > first

> > > > > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

> > > children

> > > > > don't

> > > > > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's

> none

> > of

> > > > her

> > > > > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> > > > eventually

> > > > > move

> > > > > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth.

> This

> > > > > time, she

> > > > > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> > > > > acknowledges

> > > > > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back

one

> > > word

> > > > > when I

> > > > > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I

> got

> > > her

> > > > > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong

> of

> > > > > course).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

> > > conception

> > > > > of my

> > > > > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to

> me.

> > > I've

> > > > > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but

this

> > > > stings.

> > > > > I

> > > > > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> > > > > convicted of

> > > > > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> > > > > accusations.

> > > > > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending

that

> to

> > > my

> > > > > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

> > > married

> > > > > him

> > > > > > because I was desperate.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What

> > should

> > > I

> > > > > do? I

> > > > > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does

that

> > > work?

> > > > > She

> > > > > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel

> > like

> > > I

> > > > > don't

> > > > > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing

> is

> > > ever

> > > > > fully

> > > > > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

> > > Occasionally,

> > > > > she's

> > > > > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

[Guest guest]

So many bullies hide behind " I was just kidding " it's not even funny.

You could answer: " Well, I guess we have different senses of

humor. I didn't see it that way. It didn't feel like kidding to

me. " or " Humor is in the eye of the beholder " ....or you could

really get her with " A lot of hurful comments are masked as humor.

It didn't feel humorous " .

=K

> > >

> > > My mother was trying to sabotage our plans to move to NYC this

> spring

> > > until I told her it wasn't for me, but for my husband. I've

> always been

> > > the bad child. She constantly berates me to my face and behind

my

> back.

> > > She beat me as a child. She's even written me letters telling

me

> in

> > > excruciating detail why I am a bad person, alcoholic, and a

> failure,

> > > and how maybe we shouldn't have a relationship anymore. she

added

> on

> > > that my then boyfriend/now husband was going to leave me

because

> we

> > > were all just a bunch of drunks.

> > >

> > > Now for some reason, she has idealized my husband and thinks

he's

> > > perfect. So I focused on him in regards to the NYC plan to get

> her off

> > > my back. It's not completely true that the move is mainly

about

> him. We

> > > both want to go for a multitude of reasons. (just for

> information, my

> > > parents live far away from us).

> > >

> > > I recently got pregnant with our second child and now she is

> acting

> > > like I am purposely trying to ruin the NYC plan. My dad said

when

> he

> > > got home from work after I told her in the afternoon, she was

in

> a

> > > black rage about the pregnancy and told him I was ruining my

> husband's

> > > plans and dreams. She has also said in the past that I married

> the

> > > first man that would have me (not true) and had a child right

> away to

> > > trap him (again not true). Having #2 now is PART of our plan,

> and

> > > always has been. I just didn't share it with her.

> > >

> > > She had this reaction when she found out I was pregnant with

my

> first

> > > child too. And it was so hurtful to me because I feel my

children

> don't

> > > deserve to be resented by anyone, especially her. It's none of

> her

> > > business when we have kids or how many we have! She did

> eventually move

> > > past it all and actually came to be there for his birth. This

> time, she

> > > is basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, never

> acknowledges

> > > it, never asks me how I'm feeling, and only wrote back one

word

> when I

> > > asked if she liked some names I sent her (I thougth if I got

her

> > > involved in the fun stuff she'd get over it. I was wrong of

> course).

> > >

> > > The things she has said regarding my marriage and the

conception

> of my

> > > first born and now this reaction to #2 are so painful to me.

I've

> > > gotten used to the absue over the years of course but this

> stings. I

> > > read somewhere that the bad child was accused, tried, and

> convicted of

> > > his/her supposed crimes before s/he even knew about the

> accusations.

> > > That's always how I've felt. But now she is extending that to

my

> > > family? How insulting it is to my husband to claim I only

married

> him

> > > because I was desperate.

> > >

> > > Can someone please help me try to figure this out? What should

I

> do? I

> > > am really tempted to just gradually cut contact. Does that

work?

> She

> > > sends me emails that aren't mean, just normal, and I feel like

I

> don't

> > > have a reason NOT to respond. As is human nature, nothing is

ever

> fully

> > > black and white. Sometimes she's not all that bad.

Occasionally,

> she's

> > > even good. But the bad is really bad, and there a lot.

> > >

> >

>