confused

[Guest guest]

I am new to this list and not sure whether my mother has BPD or not. I

read the literature on the website and recognize so many of the

characteristics of her personality. But in reading other people's

stories on the site, I realise that others have suffered much more..

I am 44 & female. I was prompted to look up personality disorders

recently after talking with my sister who was subject to a verbal

attack by my mother. This is not unusual, and the attack was similar

to others in the past. But it was particularly painful as my sister is

going through a hard time personally for which she is in counselling.

My mother knows about this and has, in fact, been very supportive. But

suddenly she switched, accusing my sister of 'being a victim',

criticising her for her weight gain, and for being like me. The abuse

lasted about 3 hours during which time my sister was passive and cried.

In talking afterwards to my sister about our experiences growing up,

my sister said 'we thought that was normal'. This got me thinking

about the persistence of the problem and about whether there was some

underlying cause. My experiences growing up are probably familiar to

some of you - from about age 11, nothing I did was correct. I was

criticised for being shy, for not participating in sports, for my

friends, for my boyfriend, for my career choices - the pattern was

always the same - a long argument (often up to 3-4 hours), that wasn't

really an argument in that it was completely one-sided, and sometimes

accompanied by hitting, always involving shouting and threatening

behaviour (e.g., hitting out at close range to my face, standing so

close that spits of rage would land on me). There was no way to end

these rants except by repeatedly saying sorry and by agreeing that I

was a pretty useless, hurtful, unhappy child/teenager/adult....I

learned over time that I could not confide in her as anything I said

would later be dragged up in one of these sessions, twisted and

distorted, my friends mocked and derided. Her public persona was very

different (e.g., many people describe her as warm, friendly, very

helpful - and she can be genuinely very helpful to the point of

martyrdom, - always looking out for someone to visit in hospital,

listening to people's problems, attending funerals...). Nobody in the

outside world ever knew about any problems in our family - admitting

failure was just not done - our family was perfect.

During my 20s I left my country to work abroad and no visit home went

smoothly - even a one week visit was too long and the fighting would

start after a day or two. But during this time I distanced myself and

have recently (during the past 9 years or so) established a fairly

good relationship with her that is largely based around my own

children. I am ever careful not to cross boundaries and confide about

stuff - I also try to be supportive when she is experiencing stress.

The reason I am confused is that apart from this, I was never

neglected, never wanted for things, and it is correct to say that my

parents probably sacrificed a lot to see us all though our education

etc. So many of the stories here report more awful abuse and the

official diagnosis of BPD says the person may engage in risky

behaviour that might lead to marraige breakdown, neglect etc. Our

house was always clean, our clothes laundered & ironed....

thanks

Joan