cocaine

[Guest guest]

** Carianne, I've held on to this post until I had a moment to comment on

it. I didn't want it sitting on the list with no comment from me.

I wish you could read again what you wrote and see what I see. I see a man

(your boyfriend) who really doesn't want to get better. I see a woman (you)

enabling him to continue an addiction. I also see some victims -- the two

children who have to live in this environment.

This man is so unable to take responsibility for how he feels that he leaves

a note suggesting that if he were to take his own life it would be the fault of

others. You may love this person, but the reality is that the person you love

does not really exist right now. He is owned body, mind, and spirit by crack

cocaine.

People who really want to get well don't set parameters on what they will and

won't do to get well. Yet, he has quite a few partameters on this, and you

accept them. This is a ploy an addict used to keep their options open. You

are supporting him in continuing to do this. The people with the power to help

someone so lost are those closest to him. It's not comfortable or easy, but

either is living with someone with an addiction like this.

You said:

<<My friend is trying to quit using cocaine - freebasing/smoking crack. This has

been going on and off for a few years now.>>

** Read this sentence again. This isca pewrson who has been at this for

years and he still doesn't want to give it up enough to admit he is helpless in

the face of this addiction and get help for it. Do you really expect the

outcome this time to be any different from what it has been in the past? If you

do, you are deluding yourself. Anything you suggest that stands a chance at

taking the edge off this for him he refuses. Can't you see this?

You said:

<<He exhibits all the classic symptoms - sleeplessness, angry outbursts,

shaking, etc. Mostly he doesn't talk about it but we all get the effects, even,

or especially his children. He wrote a note to the family this morning saying

" Ya'll please don't make me want to kill myself today. " I erased this before his

kids (ages 13 and 17) saw it.

Isn't this a terrible thing to lay on a couple of children?

He's in a phase where he wants to blame everyone else for his misery. Since I

have problems myself, this is very hard to handle. Just being quiet and trying

not to provoke him.>>

** Do you think the children don't know what's going on? All of a sudden,

everyone else in the house has to take responsibility for his problem for which

he refuses to take complete responsibility.

Is it a terrible thing that he writes a note like that? As you know, of course

it is. But what good is this recognition if you're willing to continue to

support this man in his avoidance of recovery? What will it take? Will he kill

himself one of these days and manage to get a note or statement out to one or

bothn children how it is their or your fault? Or might he actually kill one of

them or you when he is in such extreme need for ther drug? There's no

exaggeration here. Tragedies like this happen daily. Most could have been

prevented if people were to summon ther courage to do something to bring the

needed attention to this person. He is not just ruining his life. He is

ruining the lives of his children. You are choosing to let him wreck yours.

But you have a choice -- the children don't.

Abstinence is not recovery. Abstinence is white-knuckling it until you break

down and use again because you have no foundation or assistance for dealing with

the hard times. He will fail time and time again as he already has. Nothing

different is going to happen until he does something differently.

Is he going to meetings? Does he go to outpatient therapy? I'm sure the

answer is " No " . Find ten recovering crack addicts and ask them what thry did to

get well. Not one of them will tell you thry just stopped using. They all

availed themselves to some form of help for those wishing to be in recovery.

You said:

<<Anyway, my question is, does anyone have any suggestions about supplements

or Bach essences that could help him? (and us)I have some Cherry Plum, maybe I

can dose him, he would not take it voluntarily. (That hippie-dippie flower stuff

as he would call it. He is very cynical.) I've suggested magnesium but he

seems unwilling to listen to me. He's a guy who can handle it all on his own -

yeah, right. I definitely don't need this kind of stress right now, but here it

is. This has been a major thorn in my life for quite some time now. I don't want

him to take ad's but I'm afraid at some point he will be looking at that issue

square in the face.>>

** One of the most profound things about addiction is that it takes us

very far away from the ability to know right from wrong and choose what is

right. It bis a cold, dark, soul-less place. One does not need to be an addict

to be in that place. All one needs is to live with an addict. The energy of

addiction permeates everyone that lives with it every day. It is evil energy.

It confounds people's thinking making it difficult to make appropriate

decisions.

Flower essences, magnesium and anything else you can think of is useless

right now. It's like going after a mad elephant with a BB gun. The only thing

that is necessary and crucial right now is a willingness to do whatever it takes

to get this addiction under control. Willingness is the key. He is not willing.

The best thing you could do is to call your local or state substance abuse

hotline and twll them you want some help setting up an intervention. Then, ask

friends and all family members you can get to participate. Do you know what an

intervention is? Read about it in the post I'll be sending titled INTERVENTION.

You said:

<<I know this group isn't about cocaine addiction. Any suggestions would be

appreciated, though. Don't suggest that I just leave, however. I have nowhere to

go

and no money to go on. I've already been through that. I put myself on the

waiting list for public housing, but that could take awhile, plus I am committed

to this relationship. He's a great guy beneath this monster drug. As I stated,

he is very cynical and will not consider any 12 step programs, like NA.>>

** Do you see the restrictions he places on this? He refuses the very

things one needs to stop using. You enable him to do so by accepting this and

actually seeking help from others while passing on the chains that bind him to

the addiction. This ensures he will not have to give up the drug.

There's really not much more to say about this other than you should find

yourself a good program for spouses and partners of people with addictions. Ask

the substance abuse treatment place about this. As I said before, you are

enabling him to continue this way. There is a high possibility of a tragedy if

you keep letting him lead you all down this road. Are you ready to live with

that on your conscience for the rest of your life?

Regards,