Thoughts by Carlin

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Carlin Thoughts

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin

unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore

helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more

specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,

but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but

anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five

miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no

idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I

lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody

stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three

of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form

of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are

OK then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think

if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your

laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they

tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my

wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.