Re: Familt stress and how to deal with it

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 29/12/2006 17:03:50 GMT Standard Time,

AngInfoHound@... writes:

Perhaps the whole matter could be dropped, and next time you could say

that you really cherish your time together with him, and so you'd

prefer that he stay by himself & she could stay with her folks.

It's really not unreasonable for them to be separated for a couple of

days. Do they live together at school?

Hi

Hmm. You are making me think here..........

He is at university and s visits him and stays with him there every two

weekends out of three and v. often goes downon a Wednesday and stays over

with him also.

So, basically he comes home here every third weekend and the holidays.

He WANTS to spend every night with her because they are in love and that

seems reasonable.

What does not seem reasonable is the way I have been treated and there is no

real sense of regret on 's part or any real understanding that she was

behaved in any way unusual or even offensively. Denial, denial, denial........

WELL andrea my dear, my son just came by and read over my shoulder what I

was writing so i sat him down and we discussed what you were saying.

He thinks that, yes, when he comes home every third weekend that he would

indeed like to spend one evening with his mother and spend the night here

without .

He is usually here for two nights when he comes for these every third

weekend weekends so he will spend the second night with at her parents.

She will be ape**** but it will certainly put to the test her protestations

that she he is not possessive or obsessive about spending every availabile

second in Danny's ear, lol

Oh who would want to be 20 again??!! Not me.

Mo

ps thanks again for your timely intervention

NOVA Counselling & Healing Services

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 29/12/2006 17:03:50 GMT Standard Time,

AngInfoHound@... writes:

Perhaps the whole matter could be dropped, and next time you could say

that you really cherish your time together with him, and so you'd

prefer that he stay by himself & she could stay with her folks.

It's really not unreasonable for them to be separated for a couple of

days. Do they live together at school?

Hi

Hmm. You are making me think here..........

He is at university and s visits him and stays with him there every two

weekends out of three and v. often goes downon a Wednesday and stays over

with him also.

So, basically he comes home here every third weekend and the holidays.

He WANTS to spend every night with her because they are in love and that

seems reasonable.

What does not seem reasonable is the way I have been treated and there is no

real sense of regret on 's part or any real understanding that she was

behaved in any way unusual or even offensively. Denial, denial, denial........

WELL andrea my dear, my son just came by and read over my shoulder what I

was writing so i sat him down and we discussed what you were saying.

He thinks that, yes, when he comes home every third weekend that he would

indeed like to spend one evening with his mother and spend the night here

without .

He is usually here for two nights when he comes for these every third

weekend weekends so he will spend the second night with at her parents.

She will be ape**** but it will certainly put to the test her protestations

that she he is not possessive or obsessive about spending every availabile

second in Danny's ear, lol

Oh who would want to be 20 again??!! Not me.

Mo

ps thanks again for your timely intervention

NOVA Counselling & Healing Services

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 29/12/2006 17:03:50 GMT Standard Time,

AngInfoHound@... writes:

Perhaps the whole matter could be dropped, and next time you could say

that you really cherish your time together with him, and so you'd

prefer that he stay by himself & she could stay with her folks.

It's really not unreasonable for them to be separated for a couple of

days. Do they live together at school?

Hi

Hmm. You are making me think here..........

He is at university and s visits him and stays with him there every two

weekends out of three and v. often goes downon a Wednesday and stays over

with him also.

So, basically he comes home here every third weekend and the holidays.

He WANTS to spend every night with her because they are in love and that

seems reasonable.

What does not seem reasonable is the way I have been treated and there is no

real sense of regret on 's part or any real understanding that she was

behaved in any way unusual or even offensively. Denial, denial, denial........

WELL andrea my dear, my son just came by and read over my shoulder what I

was writing so i sat him down and we discussed what you were saying.

He thinks that, yes, when he comes home every third weekend that he would

indeed like to spend one evening with his mother and spend the night here

without .

He is usually here for two nights when he comes for these every third

weekend weekends so he will spend the second night with at her parents.

She will be ape**** but it will certainly put to the test her protestations

that she he is not possessive or obsessive about spending every availabile

second in Danny's ear, lol

Oh who would want to be 20 again??!! Not me.

Mo

ps thanks again for your timely intervention

NOVA Counselling & Healing Services

[Guest guest]

Mo,

Hang in there. Your son will figure it out, if he's already figured

out this much, he understands, he just needs to sort it out and be

able to work it out with her or move on and that's probably why he's

hesitating. That's a hard thing to do even when you're older. It

sounds like you two have a good relationship and are able to

communicate well. Sounds to me like you've done a good job raising

him. That will pan out!!

Linn

>

> In a message dated 29/12/2006 05:27:19 GMT Standard Time,

> AngInfoHound@... writes:

>

> Morning

>

> You have found them, my dear. Time for your son to grow up. Even if

> he's pissed, he'll come around eventually.

> Oh they are both well pissed off with me now and I am finding it

> hard to

> bear, especially from my son.

> I talked to for a long time on the phone yesterday, woman-to-

> woman so

> to speak, and we seemed to be getting on the same wavelength but

> then (she was

> at her parents house with my son) she came off the phone and chewed

> his ears

> off about how I had got it all wrong etc, was misunderstanding and

> imagining

> things to a huge degree etc.

> So he came back here alone for a couple of hours and was really

> depressed

> about the whole thing. He says he recognises his part in

> colluding.encouraging

> some of katie's possessive/jealous behaviour because part of him

> (the hurting

> part that never got any love from his own father) really likes the

> adoration

> and obsessive love 's gives him, it makes him feel strong and

> powerful.

> He also recognises that there is a price to pay for this kind of

> love but

> adamantly refuses to recognise (even though she seemed to be

> agreeing with

> me on the phone that this was not A Good Thing) that there is this

> unhealthy

> aspect to the relationship and that it is at the root of recent and

> earlier

> difficulties (and will no doubt rear its ugly head again soon).

>

[Guest guest]

I can tell you this I am dam sick every year about this time it starts with

sinus then goes to Bromchitis and all the meds in the world don't help. Now so

far on HC I am doing dam good not sick yet. And if I do feel like I am getting

sick I will stress dose. I am 63 and don't need this every winter. Jefferies

did say in his book with low Adrenals this happens. Maybe we need to be on HC

in the winter and can come off it when it's summer.

Phil

wrote:

I don;t know if I need to stay on HC but I do know that sinus crap is

often symptoms of low cortisol, so I am suspicious. Especially wihtthis

getting this much worse since a stressful holiday.

--

Artistic Grooming- Hurricane WV

My Ebay Jewelry Store (Closing after Xmas!!!)

http://stores.ebay.com/valeriescrystalcreations

http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/NaturalThyroidHormonesADRENALS/

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

>

> Which means in order to have this space I have to forego having my

son stay

> at my home during the rest of his Christmas break from university.

They come

> as a pair.

Hi, Mo,

Sorry to hear that you're feeling down today.

I was thinking about you this morning, and thinking how very

" European " of you it is to have your 20-year-old son home with the

girlfriend in the first place. (I don't mean that as any sort of

dig...here, I'll explain...)

Here in the states, people often behave in a provincial, conservative

manner, even if they're not.

For example, I would have NEVER been allowed to stay in the same bed

as a boyfriend in my parents' home. Hell, I never brought anyone home

until I was married.

So, along those lines, I would ask, WHY do they come only as a pair?

They aren't married & they are only 20. Is your son supporting

himself entirely, (i.e., you're not contributing to his education

costs or living expenses at all)?

Perhaps the whole matter could be dropped, and next time you could say

that you really cherish your time together with him, and so you'd

prefer that he stay by himself & she could stay with her folks.

It's really not unreasonable for them to be separated for a couple of

days. Do they live together at school?

> I did not expect a bouquet of flowers but now I feel I am alienating

my son

> and that is scary.

Well, of course you must remember that no matter how mature he thinks

he is, he's clearly still at a rebellious stage, or he wouldn't be

behaving like this, so perhaps you need to be more " clever " about the

whole matter...I certainly can't advise you on this, as in addition to

hypothyroid & adrenal issues, I have bull-in-chinashopitis!

But, all-in-all, HE is alienating YOU by behaving in such a manner &

allowing his girlfriend to do the same.

Remember what Dr. Phil says...you teach people how to treat you. I

think that many of us ladies have taught everyone how to walk all over

us, and it's awkward when we start to stand up for ourselves. Oh

well, everyone will need to get over the awkwardness of it all!

Hope you're feeling better, Mo...you certainly don't need this headache!

Warmly,

[Guest guest]

Oh, Mo, I just came in on this - was having trouble with mouse (kept freezing up

on me) so just read your messages! I wish I knew what to do for you, but it

seems that you are sorting it out. Your son will come around, maybe not in your

time, but he will. I am sorry the holidays were sad b/c of this. may come

from a loving home, but she may be one that just craves affection and attention

and feeds off of it. I grew up as an adopted child - all three of us were

adopted and not blood related and as different as night and day. My mom was

stiflingly overbearing and not affectionate at all. My dad was very affectionate

and I adored him. I am one who needs affection and craves it, but I am not

possessive. I am more of a loner than anything and enjoy being alone. I have a

few close friends and that is the way I want it. Now, my friend has six

children, and they are a loving, close family, but each child is so very

different - night and day in their personalities. So I don't

think it is the type of home you grow up in, although that is very infuential -

the difference, I think, is in the personality of each individual and how they

choose to deal with it. She does need to grow up a bit! I am just so sorry that

you had to go through this! Just love your son and never give up. He knows you

love and care for him, so give him time. Keep communication open, with him and

even with her, if you can. Keep your ground rules! Your health is too important

to let yourself get walked on. You are not a door mat, so stick to your guns. We

are here for you.

C.

[Guest guest]

Hey Mo - little late posting on this. For one, just so you know, I

don't come onto the board often. I come here, get help and work on

what I need to do. Sounds selfish, I know, but I am not optimized

and feel that I am not in a position to help others yet but wanted

to respond to your post.

I will keep this short, well, sort of. :-) I have 3 children - my

son is 23, daughter is 21 and son is 12. I also have a 4 year old

granddaughter. Do the math - gbaby was at my eldest son's high

school graduation. I have had issues with my gbaby's Mom, my son,

his new girlfriend, etc. What I have learned is that to basically

stay out of it. The more I influenced my own, albeit 100% right :-),

opinion, the more I distanced myself. My oldest lived at home for

awhile, in between gfriends, and it was hell. Dogs barking at 3AM,

a trail of garbage behind him all the time, etc. It sucked.

However, we knew he would get out of the house again and we wanted

to try and preserve a relationship with him. Were we doormats at

times and looked the other way? Yes. I'm not saying it's the best

way, but it helped that we minded our own business at times. Was I

concerned about my health from lack of sleep? Yes. But I knew it

was temporary.

He's out of the house again, the problems with his girlfriend have

subsisded and, for me, it was best to keep my opinions to myself. I

have learned that my children have to stumble, fall, whatever and I

can't influence their decisions. They have always found out on

there own whether or not they screwed up...and then I just sit back

and smile that they figured it all out. And then I get some rest. :-

)

Kathy in NJ

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 29/12/2006 22:49:58 GMT Standard Time,

roesslk@... writes:

They have always found out on

there own whether or not they screwed up...and then I just sit back

and smile that they figured it all out. And then I get some rest. :-

Hi Kathy

Good to hear from someone with experience in these matters.

Yes you are quite right.

I have figured out that what I need to do is let them sort themselves out

BUT not allow them to cause chaos in MY home.

My adrenals are way too important for that and, like you, I have learned

that I must prioritise if I am to get well.

So i have listened to and have said to my son that when he starts

returning home for every third weekend as he will be doing from next term, that

I would prefer if his girlfriend stayed at her own house and it would be good

if he could spend one night here when we would have a chance to catch up (he

is phobic about speaking on the phone) and the second night of the weekend at

his girlfriends.

He agreed that was a good idea.

I am still liking my wounds from his girlfriend's assault on my adrenals

from the 20th and will nbe happy not to see her at all for now.

How it will pan out remains to be seen.......

I do appreciate you taking the time to write and wish you well with your

ongoing progress with your health.

Mo

NOVA Counselling & Healing Services

[Guest guest]

> She will be ape**** but it will certainly put to the test her

protestations

> that she he is not possessive or obsessive about spending every

availabile

> second in Danny's ear, lol

That would be the perfect opportunity for you to be cool as a cucumber

& remind him that you two already spoke about this and let it be.

Then her freak out will be in complete opposition to your calmness.

Eventually, he will want to be with someone more like Mom...

> Oh who would want to be 20 again??!! Not me.

Oh, certainly not me!!!

I'm glad my input was helpful...now if I could just be as sensible in

my own life! LOL!

Warmly,

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 31/12/2006 03:18:17 GMT Standard Time,

AngInfoHound@... writes:

I'm glad my input was helpful...now if I could just be as sensible in

my own life! LOL!

LOL, you truly have been a great help with this matter , helped to

really turn things around foe me.

So huge thanks.

Mo

NOVA Counselling & Healing Services

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 31/12/2006 03:18:17 GMT Standard Time,

AngInfoHound@... writes:

I'm glad my input was helpful...now if I could just be as sensible in

my own life! LOL!

LOL, you truly have been a great help with this matter , helped to

really turn things around foe me.

So huge thanks.

Mo

NOVA Counselling & Healing Services

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 31/12/2006 03:18:17 GMT Standard Time,

AngInfoHound@... writes:

I'm glad my input was helpful...now if I could just be as sensible in

my own life! LOL!

LOL, you truly have been a great help with this matter , helped to

really turn things around foe me.

So huge thanks.

Mo

NOVA Counselling & Healing Services