Re: Familt stress and how to deal with it

December 28, 2006

In a message dated 28/12/2006 12:53:07 GMT Standard Time,

lynworth@... writes:

Hi Lynda

did you say this to your son when his girlfriend was

No, no, no, this was said privately, in my bedroom, just before they left

last night, just before i asked them to leave.

If so,

big mistake. You are forcing him to choose between you and her.

I think most children are guilty of selfish behaviour without them

realising it. That is, until you point it out.

I had a similar situation with my daughter, not involving a boyfriend,

just her thinking of her own needs and nobody elses. She was

finishing university and I asked her where she was thinking of

applying for her first job. She said she was thinking of applying in

her home town and then she said " I suppose I could live at home again

but then I wouldn't have any privacy " I said the same as you did

" what about MY privacy "

Yes I remember you telling me this Lynda and it came straight into my head

when complained about HER lack of privacy.

This conversation was on the phone and the

rest of the call was a bit subdued. When she called me again a few

days later she apologised and said she had never considered that her

parents would require privacy.

Well sounds like your daughter is a lot more mature than Young Madam I have

on my hands at the moment.

They act as they have always acted when they lived at home, never

considering that things have changed and moved on.

I think the only thing you can do is to get your son on his own and

explain your feelings.

Yes I did this last night.

Don't try to come between him and his

girlfriend but work to a solution where she stays away from your house

She has just phoned while I typing this email.

We had a really good talk. She wanted to brush everything under the carpet

and start again.

I emphasised that my health was at risk and that I would not be having any

more dramas going on under my roof.

I said I needed space from her and that I did not know how long that would

take..........

I also suggested that she might want to talk to a counsellor, someone

outside the situation about this issue that she has has that I had as a young

woman

also.

We talked about that a good bit and she said yes she did have an issue about

jealousy and possessiveness and underlying all of that was a huge fear of

being on her own.

Interestingly enough, that is what underlay my own unhealthy dependence on

my first love.

We ended the conversation well and both said " I love you " .

Mo

NOVA Counselling & Healing Services

December 28, 2006

In a message dated 28/12/2006 13:11:36 GMT Standard Time,

artisticgroomer@... writes:

Stress dose some extra HC today, and meditate

or pray for strength to stick to your guns. Blow off on the list all you

need to. It is good for the soul and the body!

Thanks Val.

We have just talked and things have moved on though i have still stuck to my

guns about needing her NOT to be here, that I have to look after me and have

had merry hell from her since 20th December.

I suggested she talk it through with a counsellor which I think would help

her, she is just a kid and I was there once with similar issues.

What I find hard to understand is why she has similar issues. I came from a

v. dysfunction, cold family with little love or attention coming my way so

when I met My First Love I clung to him for dear life because I had never had

love before.

But this young woman has much love in her home and plenty of everything

material do I don't get it.

Being a counsellor myself I like to be able to understand intellectually

this kind of thing but I find myself stumped!

We really did have a good open and honest talk and she understands the

situation better now and I feel good about myself for having dealt with it all

well.

Well you are such a good role model Young Woman!

Mo

NOVA Counselling & Healing Services

December 28, 2006

In a message dated 28/12/2006 14:34:08 GMT Standard Time,

artisticgroomer@... writes:

Mo I also clung to my first 10+ loves! LOL I had lots of love, but MUCH

misunderstanding. There was also alot of favoritism among my sibling & I

and i was not the favorite, which may have caused MY problems and

without being there in her home it is hard to say what really went on.

Families can appear supportive and be NOT.. I say this from my own

experience. Everyone in the town I lived in thought my parents were the

BEST parents in town.. but they were not.

Right. Got you!

's father treats her like a Princess, gets out of bed at 1 am if she

comes in late and makes her a burger kind of thing, ditto 6 am if she has to get

up for work early. Bails her out when she gets into debt which she does

rather a lot.

Mother is less affectionate, critical, undermining so maybe that is where

the issue stems from. Overindulgent father, cold mother. Cold but caring is how

the mother sounds if that makes any kind of sense at all.

Val you said about stress-dosing, well I have been stress-dosing for Ireland

as you can imagine and probably too many days.

Today I have taken 12 1/2 then 10 for my second dose and hopefully I can get

away with just another two lots of 5 mg today and go back to 30 mg tomorrow.

Been getting palps at bedtime several nights and had to take extra to get to

sleep.

It feels like some serious resolution has taken place this afternoon so I

can feel my body relaxing...............

It's good to talk

NOVA Counselling & Healing Services

December 28, 2006

> I told my son I thought he was a coward, a wuss

> and that if he had dealt with the issues emanating from his

> girlfriend i.e.

> jealousy, possessiveness etc. that I would not have been forced to

> challenge

> the behaviour which resulted in this tension.

Mo,

did you say this to your son when his girlfriend was there? If so,

big mistake. You are forcing him to choose between you and her.

I think most children are guilty of selfish behaviour without them

realising it. That is, until you point it out.

I had a similar situation with my daughter, not involving a boyfriend,

just her thinking of her own needs and nobody elses. She was

finishing university and I asked her where she was thinking of

applying for her first job. She said she was thinking of applying in

her home town and then she said " I suppose I could live at home again

but then I wouldn't have any privacy " I said the same as you did

" what about MY privacy " This conversation was on the phone and the

rest of the call was a bit subdued. When she called me again a few

days later she apologised and said she had never considered that her

parents would require privacy.

They act as they have always acted when they lived at home, never

considering that things have changed and moved on.

I think the only thing you can do is to get your son on his own and

explain your feelings. Don't try to come between him and his

girlfriend but work to a solution where she stays away from your house

Lynda

December 28, 2006

In a message dated 28/12/2006 17:15:20 GMT Standard Time,

linnmiller@... writes:

I'll probably be in the minority on this one, but I always opt for

stating right out what's going on. This young woman is quite ill

mannered and obviously spoiled. She isn't even married to your son,

yet she feels as though her needs come before yours in your own home,

and has the audacity to say so?????? Bad signal of things to come.

If privacy was such a big issue, then they should have opted for a

hotel. If they aren't able to do that financially then she should

have been well mannered enough to have some respect for you and your

schedule. How rude for anyone of any age to come in, expect to stay

with you, expect to have all the privacy of home, and then expect you

to adjust to their schedule.

Couldn't agree with you more Linn and it seems she really is very spoilt and

immature. I DO like her very much though, I want to emphasise that, she is a

very genuine if unconscious young woman, she does not have a bad bone in her

body. I would hate to give a negative, one-sided picture of her. She is

immature, she is not conscious of her behaviour patterns, she is young. To her

credit, when we had a long talk this afternoon, she felt able to at least take

on board what I was saying and agree to go off and think about it all.

It has caused quite an upset me doing some straight-talking about all of

this. I am like you, why waste time messing around when a straight conversation,

done with respect, can go a long way to sorting things out.

And if that does not work, well then that says heaps to me about not wasting

my energy on that person/situation. As you know, like a lot of people on

this list, I don't have energy to waste!

Thanks for your support Linn.

Mo x

NOVA Counselling & Healing Services

December 28, 2006

Oh Mo Sorry you are having such a BITCH to deal with. SHE is

unreasonable and your son needs to decide if he wants that controlling

thing in his life forever, which I can just about guarantee he will not.

But it will have to be his decision and i think you did the right thing.

You will feel guilty for a while, then you will get more angry then you

will move on. I have gone through this with MY family.. several times as

i tried again and again to have them in my life. NOW I know I am SO much

better off without them and I still love them, but I cannot be a part of

their lives nor they mine.Stress dose some extra HC today, and meditate

or pray for strength to stick to your guns. Blow off on the list all you

need to. It is good for the soul and the body!

--

Artistic Grooming- Hurricane WV

My Ebay Jewelry Store http://stores.ebay.com/valeriescrystalcreations

http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/NaturalThyroidHormonesADRENALS/

December 28, 2006

> Oh Mo Sorry you are having such a BITCH to deal with. SHE is

> unreasonable and your son needs to decide if he wants that

> controlling

> thing in his life forever, which I can just about guarantee he will

> not.

Sometimes they have to learn by their mistakes. My son had the same

control freak type girlfriend. They married and divorced within a

year. That was 10 years ago and they have both since remarried.

She still controls him though and knows exactly how to push his

buttons

Lynda

December 28, 2006

Mo I also clung to my first 10+ loves! LOL I had lots of love, but MUCH

misunderstanding. There was also alot of favoritism among my sibling & I

and i was not the favorite, which may have caused MY problems and

without being there in her home it is hard to say what really went on.

Families can appear supportive and be NOT.. I say this from my own

experience. Everyone in the town I lived in thought my parents were the

BEST parents in town.. but they were not.

--

Artistic Grooming- Hurricane WV

My Ebay Jewelry Store http://stores.ebay.com/valeriescrystalcreations

http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/NaturalThyroidHormonesADRENALS/

December 28, 2006