just need to reach out

[Guest guest]

Hi ladies,

I haven't posted much lately, but I've been reading all the posts. I'm

feeling a little lonely today and need to reach out for some support.

I quit dieting January 1st. I've gained about 15 lbs. so far. At times

I'm depressed about that (not depressed enough to start another diet

though) and sometimes I'm OK with it. I really do believe that my

weight will " top out " eventually and not keep climbing. But of course,

my fear is that I'll be 400 lbs by the end of the year. (I'm about 230

right now)

I'm in the earliest stages of IE - just letting myself eat whatever,

whenever I want to....identifying thoughts that are the diet

mentality...not weighing myself (super hard!)...and reading the IE book.

I find that I approach IE as a diet sometimes. I hear this thought in

my head, " Tomorrow I'm going to 'start' IE " ....doesn't that sound like

a diet mentality?

Then I realize that if I'm breathing, I am " doing " IE. Because it's

intuitive. Inside me...not OUTSIDE me...like a diet.

I'm so sick of hating myself. I wish I could learn to like my body at

this size. I don't really know how to do that.

This week my husband surprised me by having my wedding ring re-sized.

He had meant it to be a Christmas present, but the jeweler didn't

finish it in time. So, he wanted me to go " somewhere " with him, but I

wanted to know " where " - so he told me about the ring and I burst into

tears.

I haven't worn my wedding ring in 5 years. I've worn a different ring,

that was nice, but it wasn't my wedding ring. Why? I couldn't get my

wedding ring on my finger. It was too small, because I was too big.

So, the wedding ring has sat in my drawer and I've been trying SO hard

to lose weight so I could wear it again. I kept saying, " Someday I'll

fit that ring again, I just know it. " And with every new diet, my hope

was rekindled. (then quickly extinguished because I can't follow a diet

for more than a few weeks before I start binge eating)

Back in 2000 I had lost all my weight and was down to 145 (I was happy

at that size...I'm 5'6 " ) and I thought all my problems would be solved

if I was thin. Wrong. I was thin, but I still thought I was fat.

I also had some unresolved trauma from my past (of a s*xual nature) and

I feel extremely uncomfortable if I'm attractive and thin. So...I gained

all the weight back, plus a lot more.

So here I am 7 years later, still hoping to lose weight and fit into

that ring...but my husband had it resized...and all I could think

was, " I'll NEVER be thin now...I'll just have to accept it that I'll

die this way and they'll have to bury me in an extra-large casket. "

My goodness. Can anyone relate? Or am I the only nutcase?

So, I had a good cry. Wallowed in a lot of self-pity. Ate a LOT of junk

over the past few days.

But I have my ring on. And when I look at it, it doesn't make me that

sad anymore. I have a great husband who loves me whatever size I am.

That's what I'm trying to focus on.

But it still scares me that I'll be this size forever. I'm so

uncomfortable physically. I can't breathe. My knees hurt. My back

hurts. My clothes are too tight. I can't bend over to tie my shoes or

pick up anything on the floor.

What makes me sad now is this thought...have I put my life on hold,

like I put the ring in the drawer, hoping I could " fit in " someday?

I think I have. I don't know what to do about that right now, but I

guess awareness is the first step to change.

Thanks for reading this far. Any feedback is welcome and appreciated.

in CO