Re: hell's bells after the altar

August 1, 1999

, I agree, I've seen and heard of men taken to the cleaners by

divorce. And there have been many women left with kids to raise by

themselves and having to spend their spare time tracking down the dead beat

dads for much needed child support. It's a shitty world we live in

sometimes, ain't it. I've usually just tried to go on with my life and walk

away from the creeps in my life, but this time I've had enough. On the one

hand, I'm surprised (and a little relieved) that I'm not looking for a

romantic replacement, but I must admit, there are days when all I think is

no one will want me now. I'm 48, out of shape, I look in the mirror and go

ugh now, I've been married twice and had way too many bittersweet romances.

When I start thinking like that now I bury myself in a good book, or work on

learning web site publication or taking care of things in my dad's house

that he's let go since my mother died. It helps me keep sane, but there's

still a part of me that thinks she's got nothing worthwhile to offer people.

I don't know if those self-defeating thoughts are a result totally of my

husband's criticisms, belittling, controlling, and making me know of how

many women were coming on to him, and raising his fist in my face a few

times because I did the unpardonable (once the soup was too hot another time

all I did was ask, what the hell are you talking to me like that for). Why

his fist never eventually hit my face, I don't know. Maybe I come across as

more ballsy than I think I am. All I know is he did a major mental number

on me that I've never experienced before. For the first time in my life I'm

in a right back atcha prick mood. I've also been told from other women that

I need to stay angry at him for now, because it could be real easy to forget

the ugliness that consumed most of our marriage, and only remember the sweet

times that were only short spells. If I allow myself to be heartbroken most

of the time, it will only destroy me further.

Also, typing this stuff to this list has been therapeutic for me. I'm

getting alot out of my system in a 'safe' place so as not to interfere with

work and other responsibilities. Bear with me gang and thank you all for

letting me vent.

Jan

hell's bells after the altar

>Hi Jan,

>Your right.

>I am a little over six feet and a bit plus some over 200 lbs. I long ago

>used to be a bodyguard, martail arts instructor blah blah etc. yet when

>it came to my last divorce I assumed all the debt, gave her a car, paid

>for her new apartment for six months and gave her money to finish school

>and get her degree. I figured it was the decent thing to do, we got a

>mediator for the paperwork and no blood was lost just a couple of hearts

>broken. In the end it was clear though that " I'll be moving on without

>you " was the best for both of us.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.

>

>Jan

>

>------------------------------------------------------------------------

>GET WHAT YOU DESERVE! A NextCard Platinum VISA: DOUBLE Rewards points,

>NO annual fee & rates as low as 9.9% FIXED APR. Apply online today!

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> - Simplifying group communications

>

August 2, 1999

, Jan;

I know you've probably read my lamentations regarding some of the

particulars of my last divorce. It was my second. I was not out to " get "

my ex. I wanted to be treated fairly. It was obvious to me that I had to

get out of an abusive situation.

It was pretty messy, he was a real a**hole throughout the whole proceeding;

lied, had his friends lie, was manipulative and verbally abusive after I

moved out...I'm glad it's over. Funny, for him, it was all about getting

the most of everything-which he did. In fact, one thing I really hate him

for is the fact that after the divorce was final, instead of going through

the house we were selling and offering to allow me to take out my high

school yearbooks, pictures and personal momentoes from my childhood, he

threw EVERYTHING away.

After the smoke cleared two years later and the papers were signed, I guess

things have worked out pretty good.

The ex and his wife live in FLA. She works for an airline, so my daughter

flies for free and can visit me anytime. It was her decision to go with her

father. We have joint custody and there is no child support and everything

concerning future litigation concerning custody and support is already

covered in the JOD. Still, my skin crawls when I have to be around

him...wish I had felt that BEFORE I got involved with him in the first

place...live and learn...

My first husband left me with three kids to raise. I wouldn't recognize him

on the street, it's been so long. I know my kids are hurt by the

abandonment, but they know I've been there for them and will always be

there.

Jan, I'm only a few years younger than you and feel like I'm looking at my

mother in the mirror.

Both of these guys were abusive and I got real good at makeup application

after a bad night. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't bring the abuse on to

myself and if I verbalize that around my fiance, he tells me I'm full of it.

NOBODY deserves it. #1 left me financially and emotionally destitute, and

#2 left me almost that and a lot more.

So some days I could care less if Charlie and I ever get married or I just

don't know if I want to and other days I feel like we gotta do it before one

of us croaks. How's that for stability?!

So I do like you do...I go work on my garden, work on my indoor plants,

write-a lot, sometimes. I do something that pleases me. I think I know how

you feel. I have a lot of the thoughts you wrote of and sometimes I wonder

if I'm better off alone and not in a relationship. And there are the more

lucid times, when I just accept " what is " , quit analyzing and just enjoy my

life, which is better than it's ever been.

>

>Reply-To: 12-step-freeegroups

>To: <12-step-freeegroups>

>Subject: Re: hell's bells after the altar

>Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 07:58:52 -0400

>

>, I agree, I've seen and heard of men taken to the cleaners by

>divorce. And there have been many women left with kids to raise by

>themselves and having to spend their spare time tracking down the dead beat

>dads for much needed child support. It's a shitty world we live in

>sometimes, ain't it. I've usually just tried to go on with my life and

>walk

>away from the creeps in my life, but this time I've had enough. On the one

>hand, I'm surprised (and a little relieved) that I'm not looking for a

>romantic replacement, but I must admit, there are days when all I think is

>no one will want me now. I'm 48, out of shape, I look in the mirror and go

>ugh now, I've been married twice and had way too many bittersweet

>romances.

>When I start thinking like that now I bury myself in a good book, or work

>on

>learning web site publication or taking care of things in my dad's house

>that he's let go since my mother died. It helps me keep sane, but there's

>still a part of me that thinks she's got nothing worthwhile to offer

>people.

>I don't know if those self-defeating thoughts are a result totally of my

>husband's criticisms, belittling, controlling, and making me know of how

>many women were coming on to him, and raising his fist in my face a few

>times because I did the unpardonable (once the soup was too hot another

>time

>all I did was ask, what the hell are you talking to me like that for). Why

>his fist never eventually hit my face, I don't know. Maybe I come across

>as

>more ballsy than I think I am. All I know is he did a major mental number

>on me that I've never experienced before. For the first time in my life

>I'm

>in a right back atcha prick mood. I've also been told from other women

>that

>I need to stay angry at him for now, because it could be real easy to

>forget

>the ugliness that consumed most of our marriage, and only remember the

>sweet

>times that were only short spells. If I allow myself to be heartbroken

>most

>of the time, it will only destroy me further.

>

>Also, typing this stuff to this list has been therapeutic for me. I'm

>getting alot out of my system in a 'safe' place so as not to interfere with

>work and other responsibilities. Bear with me gang and thank you all for

>letting me vent.

>

>Jan

>

> hell's bells after the altar

>

> >Hi Jan,

> >Your right.

> >I am a little over six feet and a bit plus some over 200 lbs. I long ago

> >used to be a bodyguard, martail arts instructor blah blah etc. yet when

> >it came to my last divorce I assumed all the debt, gave her a car, paid

> >for her new apartment for six months and gave her money to finish school

> >and get her degree. I figured it was the decent thing to do, we got a

> >mediator for the paperwork and no blood was lost just a couple of hearts

> >broken. In the end it was clear though that " I'll be moving on without

> >you " was the best for both of us.

> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

> >Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.

> >

> >Jan

> >

> >------------------------------------------------------------------------

> >GET WHAT YOU DESERVE! A NextCard Platinum VISA: DOUBLE Rewards points,

> >NO annual fee & rates as low as 9.9% FIXED APR. Apply online today!

> >http://clickhere./click/606

> >

> >eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free

> > - Simplifying group communications

> >

>

>------------------------------------------------------------------------

>GET $10 OFF ANY ORDER @ healthshop.com! No min. purchase req.

>Save on vitamins & supplements. Use coupon code: EGROUPS at checkout

>http://clickhere./click/615

>

>eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free

> - Simplifying group communications

>

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August 2, 1999

Hi Jan,

Natural catastrophes aside the world is fine but there is evidence of

some real low life scum in the human mix. In two words I can, in

oversimplified terms , sum up the gist of most interpersonal,

international problems - dominance and control. Somebody has to be

dominating the other and in control or so they think. Seems we have to

have dominance and control to keep the loonies in check but then the

very same loonies get into power positions and use dominance and control

for all kinds of freaky sick stuff. No simple easy answer to that.

Hollywood certainly plays out the myth of control over cooperation all

in the name of get the bad guy. Compromise has become a symbol of

weakness as opposed to strength. Fear means respect and I trust you

means you fear me.

Your ex probably stopped at shaking his fist because he feared a bigger

club from the law might come down on him. In that respect you were lucky

to be in America.

I would strongly disagree that you should feel you have nothing to offer

people as a result of no romantic involvement's. Maybe now is a good

time to concentrate on the divorce and other involvement. Romantic ones

might not be a good idea for now. All my divorces were amicable and no

one was trying to punish or shame the other in the settlement. Sounds as

if your fist shaking ex has got some loose ends and would love to rub

your face in it. Stay awake and do what you have to do. There are

billions of people in the world to get romantic with it is just when it

has to look the way you want it that it is so hard to find.

But hey what do I know I have been married three times and I too put on

weight after each one.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

, I agree, I've seen and heard of men taken to the cleaners by

divorce. And there have been many women left with kids to raise by

themselves and having to spend their spare time tracking down the dead

beat

dads for much needed child support. It's a shitty world we live in

sometimes, ain't it. I've usually just tried to go on with my life and

walk

away from the creeps in my life, but this time I've had enough. On the

one

hand, I'm surprised (and a little relieved) that I'm not looking for a

romantic replacement, but I must admit, there are days when all I think

is

no one will want me now. I'm 48, out of shape, I look in the mirror and

go

ugh now, I've been married twice and had way too many bittersweet

romances.

When I start thinking like that now I bury myself in a good book, or

work on

learning web site publication or taking care of things in my dad's house

that he's let go since my mother died. It helps me keep sane, but

there's

still a part of me that thinks she's got nothing worthwhile to offer

people.

I don't know if those self-defeating thoughts are a result totally of my

husband's criticisms, belittling, controlling, and making me know of how

many women were coming on to him, and raising his fist in my face a few

times because I did the unpardonable (once the soup was too hot another

time

all I did was ask, what the hell are you talking to me like that for).

Why

his fist never eventually hit my face, I don't know. Maybe I come

across as

more ballsy than I think I am. All I know is he did a major mental

number

on me that I've never experienced before. For the first time in my life

I'm

in a right back atcha prick mood. I've also been told from other women

that

I need to stay angry at him for now, because it could be real easy to

forget

the ugliness that consumed most of our marriage, and only remember the

sweet

times that were only short spells. If I allow myself to be heartbroken

most

of the time, it will only destroy me further.

Also, typing this stuff to this list has been therapeutic for me. I'm

getting alot out of my system in a 'safe' place so as not to interfere

with

work and other responsibilities. Bear with me gang and thank you all

for

letting me vent.

Jan

Mime-Version: 1.0

Content-Type: text/plain; charset= " iso-8859-1 "

Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

, I agree, I've seen and heard of men taken to the cleaners by

divorce. And there have been many women left with kids to raise by

themselves and having to spend their spare time tracking down the dead

beat

dads for much needed child support. It's a shitty world we live in

sometimes, ain't it. I've usually just tried to go on with my life and

walk

away from the creeps in my life, but this time I've had enough. On the

one

hand, I'm surprised (and a little relieved) that I'm not looking for a

romantic replacement, but I must admit, there are days when all I think

is

no one will want me now. I'm 48, out of shape, I look in the mirror and

go

ugh now, I've been married twice and had way too many bittersweet

romances.

When I start thinking like that now I bury myself in a good book, or

work on

learning web site publication or taking care of things in my dad's house

that he's let go since my mother died. It helps me keep sane, but

there's

still a part of me that thinks she's got nothing worthwhile to offer

people.

I don't know if those self-defeating thoughts are a result totally of my

husband's criticisms, belittling, controlling, and making me know of how

many women were coming on to him, and raising his fist in my face a few

times because I did the unpardonable (once the soup was too hot another

time

all I did was ask, what the hell are you talking to me like that for).

Why

his fist never eventually hit my face, I don't know. Maybe I come

across as

more ballsy than I think I am. All I know is he did a major mental

number

on me that I've never experienced before. For the first time in my life

I'm

in a right back atcha prick mood. I've also been told from other women

that

I need to stay angry at him for now, because it could be real easy to

forget

the ugliness that consumed most of our marriage, and only remember the

sweet

times that were only short spells. If I allow myself to be heartbroken

most

of the time, it will only destroy me further.

Also, typing this stuff to this list has been therapeutic for me. I'm

getting alot out of my system in a 'safe' place so as not to interfere

with

work and other responsibilities. Bear with me gang and thank you all

for

letting me vent.

Jan

August 2, 1999

Hi , thanks for your kind words and support. Just trying to get

through this without overloading my own circuits.

Jan

Re: hell's bells after the altar

>Hi Jan,

>

>Natural catastrophes aside the world is fine but there is evidence of

>some real low life scum in the human mix. In two words I can, in

>oversimplified terms , sum up the gist of most interpersonal,

>international problems - dominance and control. Somebody has to be

>dominating the other and in control or so they think. Seems we have to

>have dominance and control to keep the loonies in check but then the

>very same loonies get into power positions and use dominance and control

>for all kinds of freaky sick stuff. No simple easy answer to that.

>Hollywood certainly plays out the myth of control over cooperation all

>in the name of get the bad guy. Compromise has become a symbol of

>weakness as opposed to strength. Fear means respect and I trust you

>means you fear me.

>Your ex probably stopped at shaking his fist because he feared a bigger

>club from the law might come down on him. In that respect you were lucky

>to be in America.

>I would strongly disagree that you should feel you have nothing to offer

>people as a result of no romantic involvement's. Maybe now is a good

>time to concentrate on the divorce and other involvement. Romantic ones

>might not be a good idea for now. All my divorces were amicable and no

>one was trying to punish or shame the other in the settlement. Sounds as

>if your fist shaking ex has got some loose ends and would love to rub

>your face in it. Stay awake and do what you have to do. There are

>billions of people in the world to get romantic with it is just when it

>has to look the way you want it that it is so hard to find.

>But hey what do I know I have been married three times and I too put on

>weight after each one.

>

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

> , I agree, I've seen and heard of men taken to the cleaners by

>

>divorce. And there have been many women left with kids to raise by

>themselves and having to spend their spare time tracking down the dead

>beat

>dads for much needed child support. It's a shitty world we live in

>sometimes, ain't it. I've usually just tried to go on with my life and

>walk

>away from the creeps in my life, but this time I've had enough. On the

>one

>hand, I'm surprised (and a little relieved) that I'm not looking for a

>romantic replacement, but I must admit, there are days when all I think

>is

>no one will want me now. I'm 48, out of shape, I look in the mirror and

>go

>ugh now, I've been married twice and had way too many bittersweet

>romances.

>When I start thinking like that now I bury myself in a good book, or

>work on

>learning web site publication or taking care of things in my dad's house

>

>that he's let go since my mother died. It helps me keep sane, but

>there's

>still a part of me that thinks she's got nothing worthwhile to offer

>people.

>I don't know if those self-defeating thoughts are a result totally of my

>

>husband's criticisms, belittling, controlling, and making me know of how

>

>many women were coming on to him, and raising his fist in my face a few

>times because I did the unpardonable (once the soup was too hot another

>time

>all I did was ask, what the hell are you talking to me like that for).

>Why

>his fist never eventually hit my face, I don't know. Maybe I come

>across as

>more ballsy than I think I am. All I know is he did a major mental

>number

>on me that I've never experienced before. For the first time in my life

>I'm

>in a right back atcha prick mood. I've also been told from other women

>that

>I need to stay angry at him for now, because it could be real easy to

>forget

>the ugliness that consumed most of our marriage, and only remember the

>sweet

>times that were only short spells. If I allow myself to be heartbroken

>most

>of the time, it will only destroy me further.

>

>Also, typing this stuff to this list has been therapeutic for me. I'm

>getting alot out of my system in a 'safe' place so as not to interfere

>with

>work and other responsibilities. Bear with me gang and thank you all

>for

>letting me vent.

>

>Jan

>

>Mime-Version: 1.0

>Content-Type: text/plain; charset= " iso-8859-1 "

>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

>

>, I agree, I've seen and heard of men taken to the cleaners by

>divorce. And there have been many women left with kids to raise by

>themselves and having to spend their spare time tracking down the dead

>beat

>dads for much needed child support. It's a shitty world we live in

>sometimes, ain't it. I've usually just tried to go on with my life and

>walk

>away from the creeps in my life, but this time I've had enough. On the

>one

>hand, I'm surprised (and a little relieved) that I'm not looking for a

>romantic replacement, but I must admit, there are days when all I think

>is

>no one will want me now. I'm 48, out of shape, I look in the mirror and

>go

>ugh now, I've been married twice and had way too many bittersweet

>romances.

>When I start thinking like that now I bury myself in a good book, or

>work on

>learning web site publication or taking care of things in my dad's house

>

>that he's let go since my mother died. It helps me keep sane, but

>there's

>still a part of me that thinks she's got nothing worthwhile to offer

>people.

>I don't know if those self-defeating thoughts are a result totally of my

>

>husband's criticisms, belittling, controlling, and making me know of how

>

>many women were coming on to him, and raising his fist in my face a few

>times because I did the unpardonable (once the soup was too hot another

>time

>all I did was ask, what the hell are you talking to me like that for).

>Why

>his fist never eventually hit my face, I don't know. Maybe I come

>across as

>more ballsy than I think I am. All I know is he did a major mental

>number

>on me that I've never experienced before. For the first time in my life

>I'm

>in a right back atcha prick mood. I've also been told from other women

>that

>I need to stay angry at him for now, because it could be real easy to

>forget

>the ugliness that consumed most of our marriage, and only remember the

>sweet

>times that were only short spells. If I allow myself to be heartbroken

>most

>of the time, it will only destroy me further.

>

>Also, typing this stuff to this list has been therapeutic for me. I'm

>getting alot out of my system in a 'safe' place so as not to interfere

>with

>work and other responsibilities. Bear with me gang and thank you all

>for

>letting me vent.

>

>Jan

>

>------------------------------------------------------------------------

>GET WHAT YOU DESERVE! A NextCard Platinum VISA: DOUBLE Rewards points,

>NO annual fee & rates as low as 9.9% FIXED APR. Apply online today!

>http://clickhere./click/606

>

>eGroups.com home: /group/12-step-free

> - Simplifying group communications

>

August 2, 1999