Guest guest Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 WHAT is the deal with nadas and the KO's hair. mine never let me cut or style my hair because she wanted me to have long hair. I had pretty hair as a child but it did not grow very fast. When I hit puberty I went from having fairly straight, slow growing corn silk blonde hair to wavy/curly darker blonde hair with a lot of natural color variation. It grew like weeds and got very thick too. I definitely hit the hair lottery. Nada loved my hair but seemed to hate that I got it instead of her. Hers is brown, coarse and wavy/curly. One year when I came home to visit I had to call her and warn her... " Mom, this is just to let you know that I should be there in about two hours and that I have cut my hair short. You have two hours to mourn its loss and get over it because I do not want to have to hear about this for my whole trip. " LOL Even my last trip home she was watching me dry my hair and did not like the way it was looking. Her comment was... " I hope that is not the was you are going to wear your hair! You look like a dog! Woof!. " It was a great moment though, because I made a very conscience decision to not be upset. I just stood there looking at her and finally said " How about you reserve judgement until I am actually finished styling my hair " I really wonder what it is like to have no filter between what your mind thinks and what falls out of your mouth. She is her own worst enemy. cspace67 > > > > > > > > There is definitely nothing wrong with you or > > your picture. Your > > > nada > > > > is jealous - pure and simple. > > > > I can definitely relate to the hair thing - > > I'm not blonde, but my > > > > hair is naturally curly and thick. Nada was > > always jealous of me > > > > because of this (her hair is limp, straight, and > > thin - always has > > > > been). So, when I was younger she combed the h*ll > > out of it to > > make > > > it > > > > straight and she bound it up in too-tight > > pigtails and ponytails > > > > (which I hated). Then, as I got older, she > > encouraged me to cut it > > > > shorter and shorter until it was up around my > > ears - not a good > > > look, > > > > but she insisted it was - probably because she > > didn't have as much > > > > hair to look at. Then, at some point, I realized > > the hair > > mistakes I > > > > was making and let it grow long (and curly). > > Sometimes I get > > > > frustrated with it and want to cut it off, but I > > know how annoyed > > > nada > > > > is with it, so I keep it the way it is (plus, dh > > likes it > > > better). :-) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I was shooting some pics of myself for > > a work thing... needed > > a > > > > > > headshot. I made the mistake of > > sending it to Nada... > > > > > > > > > > > > " What is this for? " > > > > > > > > > > > > " Work: Print & Net " > > > > > > > > > > > > " You have too many shades of > > blonde and your hair is too > > > curly... > > > > > you > > > > > > look " dumb blonde " instead of > > smart... Just being honest. " > > > > > > > > > > > > I'm silent... > > > > > > > > > > > > " Really, you look like you're > > channeling ... " > > > > > > > > > > > > ...nicely said to a woman with a > > lifetime of issues involving > > > sex, > > > > > > rape, abuse, never taken seriously > > (depite pages / years of > > > > > > credentials...) When did it become a > > BAD THING to be cute & > > > smart? > > > > > > > > > > > > I wanna cry. > > > > > > > > > > > > Lynnette > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > > @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO > > NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on > > Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your > > copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline > > Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline > > Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. > > Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community > > and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2009 Report Share Posted March 6, 2009 Totally! I'd grown my hair long and it was pretty nice by the time I was about 10. However, nada convinced me that it only looked good " pulled back " in a pony tail. And so that's how I wore it always - and looked HORRIBLE. But I figured wearing it down was worse, to hear her tell it. Actually, it was beautiful. I was also shocked, seeing as how I wore bangs, that I had a widow's peak (discovered it AS AN ADULT). I learned what one was when I was about 8 or 9 but never checked my own hairline to see if I had one - BECAUSE IT WAS CONSIDERED A SIGN OF BEAUTY [caps for emphasis only] and that of course wouldn't happen to me. Flowers in Oz The hair thing! WHAT is the deal with nadas and the KO's hair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2009 Report Share Posted March 6, 2009 > > Totally! I'd grown my hair long and it was pretty nice by the time I was > about 10. However, nada convinced me that it only looked good " pulled back " > in a pony tail. And so that's how I wore it always - and looked HORRIBLE. > But I figured wearing it down was worse, to hear her tell it. Actually, it > was beautiful. I was also shocked, seeing as how I wore bangs, that I had a > widow's peak (discovered it AS AN ADULT). I learned what one was when I was > about 8 or 9 but never checked my own hairline to see if I had one - BECAUSE > IT WAS CONSIDERED A SIGN OF BEAUTY [caps for emphasis only] and that of > course wouldn't happen to me. > > Flowers in Oz > > > The hair thing! > > > WHAT is the deal with nadas and the KO's hair. > I'm a guy and my mom obsessed about my hair. In the eighties and nineties I was in some hair bands and had long hair. It was my individuality and my mother cried! She's hidden all pictures of me from that period (On second thought, I think I should thank her!) But it isn't about sparing me the photographic evidence of Bon Jovi hair, it's about control. She controls what pictures we see of ourselves in this family. She's really just a fat, scared little woman who never came to terms with her own abuse. Instead, she does the easier, yet profoundly more painful thing, of passing her pain on to the rest of the family. And you can't talk to her about it. She's always right and never apologizes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2009 Report Share Posted March 6, 2009 I'm leaning toward the idea that nadas who obsess with their children's hair to the point of shearing it off without the child's consent are demonstrating subconscious desires to: 1. stop their child from becoming sexually mature. Cutting long hair off short is a kind of symbolic castration or de-sexualization. Nada becomes anxious and fearful when their child shows signs of growing up, which means (to nada) that she will be abandoned. 2. have total and absolute power over her child to the point of being able to control parts of the child's body. " Mess with me, " nada is saying, " and I'll cut something else off of you. Understand? " Cutting off the hair has great ritual significance and meaning in many cultures, and it has different meanings in different contexts, but from what I can tell all of the ritual meanings have to do with either cleansing/purifying, or sympolic de-sexualizing, or punishment. In other words, having one's hair cut short or shaved off is not a reward, its a sacrifice. And I think this holds to the lesser degree of nada wanting to control the child's hair style even if nada does not shear off the hair; its still the " I have the right to control your body " thing, because in some cases nada is so enmeshed with her child that nada sees no boundaries at all between herself and her child. So its more like nada is thinking, " That hair is mine to do with as I will. " thinking. Its all effing creepy, any way you look at it. -Annie > > > > Totally! I'd grown my hair long and it was pretty nice by the time I was > > about 10. However, nada convinced me that it only looked good " pulled back " > > in a pony tail. And so that's how I wore it always - and looked HORRIBLE. > > But I figured wearing it down was worse, to hear her tell it. Actually, it > > was beautiful. I was also shocked, seeing as how I wore bangs, that I had a > > widow's peak (discovered it AS AN ADULT). I learned what one was when I was > > about 8 or 9 but never checked my own hairline to see if I had one - BECAUSE > > IT WAS CONSIDERED A SIGN OF BEAUTY [caps for emphasis only] and that of > > course wouldn't happen to me. > > > > Flowers in Oz > > > > > > The hair thing! > > > > > > WHAT is the deal with nadas and the KO's hair. > > > I'm a guy and my mom obsessed about my hair. In the eighties and nineties I was in some hair bands and had long hair. It was my individuality and my mother cried! She's hidden all pictures of me from that period (On second thought, I think I should thank her!) But it isn't about sparing me the photographic evidence of Bon Jovi hair, it's about control. She controls what pictures we see of ourselves in this family. She's really just a fat, scared little woman who never came to terms with her own abuse. Instead, she does the easier, yet profoundly more painful thing, of passing her pain on to the rest of the family. > And you can't talk to her about it. She's always right and never apologizes. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2009 Report Share Posted March 6, 2009 Oh, heavens, I just discovered this thread now! I was " shorn " when I was five!!!!! Everyone thought I was a boy. It was so sad and awful. Oddly, my mom cut all her hair off, too, so we both looked like fools. Oh, it's just too strange. Apparently her reasoning was that I cried when she washed my hair (um, soap in eyes anyone?). --S. > > > > > > Totally! I'd grown my hair long and it was pretty nice by the time I was > > > about 10. However, nada convinced me that it only looked good " pulled back " > > > in a pony tail. And so that's how I wore it always - and looked HORRIBLE. > > > But I figured wearing it down was worse, to hear her tell it. Actually, it > > > was beautiful. I was also shocked, seeing as how I wore bangs, that I had a > > > widow's peak (discovered it AS AN ADULT). I learned what one was when I was > > > about 8 or 9 but never checked my own hairline to see if I had one - BECAUSE > > > IT WAS CONSIDERED A SIGN OF BEAUTY [caps for emphasis only] and that of > > > course wouldn't happen to me. > > > > > > Flowers in Oz > > > > > > > > > The hair thing! > > > > > > > > > WHAT is the deal with nadas and the KO's hair. > > > > > I'm a guy and my mom obsessed about my hair. In the eighties and nineties I was in some hair bands and had long hair. It was my individuality and my mother cried! She's hidden all pictures of me from that period (On second thought, I think I should thank her!) But it isn't about sparing me the photographic evidence of Bon Jovi hair, it's about control. She controls what pictures we see of ourselves in this family. She's really just a fat, scared little woman who never came to terms with her own abuse. Instead, she does the easier, yet profoundly more painful thing, of passing her pain on to the rest of the family. > > And you can't talk to her about it. She's always right and never apologizes. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2009 Report Share Posted March 7, 2009 Wow - once again, I thought it was just me, or that what happened was " normal " - my mom told me I couldn't have long hair until I was " old enough to take care of it " - meaning having it in a style she approved of. When I was little, it was kept short, and she did those Toni home perms every summer - they were awful, but I seem to recall the neighbor ladies doing the same thing to their little girls. Later, in junior high, we had really bad versions of beehives. (You know, maybe my mom wasn't the only crazy one - who on earth came up with the idea of beehives??) But it was the 60's-70's, and I remember that hair was a huge issue with almost all of us and our parents. There were a LOT of control battles over it at the time. So I remember my mom spending a lot of time carrying on about my hair, but it was in the context of the " you'd be pretty IF you'd just... " litany I've heard my whole life. It was also in the context of the era. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2009 Report Share Posted March 7, 2009 My hair was ridculously long as a child. I hated it. It always seemed like the only thing people ever noticed about me-- " Oh, you have such pretty hair " somehow implies the rest of you is boring...it's like being told " You have such a pretty face " if you're an overweight child. What it really means is you're ugly, but you do have one nice quality. I hated it and I still hate it now if someone says something like that. It was too long for me to manage on my own and I have a hereditary weakness in my arms anyway that makes things like braiding or putting my hair up more or less feel like an hour at the gym doing bench-presses, so my bpd sibling was stuck doing my hair, which made getting ready for school a painful, tearful nightmare every day. She's two years older, and it really is not fair to expect an 8 year old to be able to deal with a 6 year old's waist-length hair. It really isn't. When I was about 12, my mother finally took a pair of rusty scissors and chopped it off to shoulder length in the lobby of the psychiatric ward of the hospital where she was staying because my sister couldn't take it anymore. I had no say in this, and the haircut was, for obvious reasons, ragged and crooked and made the following day at school rather embarrassing. My sister finally straightened it out, but I agree that it all comes down to control and to treating you like an object who can be whacked and trimmed at will. My bpd sister's child is now pulling out her own hair (she's two). Maybe its just coincidence, or maybe my sister has some kind of hair obsession as well... Ashana Add more friends to your messenger and enjoy! Go to http://messenger.yahoo.com/invite/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2009 Report Share Posted March 7, 2009 Ashana - Can I ask the obvious question - what was a patient in a Psych Ward doing with a rusty pair of scissors? Near a 12-year-old? Good grief. My mom's mother was a hairdresser,so my mom has always been convinced (through heredity?) that she " knows " what style would look best on me (and everybody else) and just how to cut it. So I have been dragged onto numerous decks and patios to have really, really bad home haircuts (that always seemed to be waaaaaay shorter than planned...) my whole life, until I was working and refused her services, thanks very much anyway. She still criticizes my hairstyle, color, makeup choices, shoes, clothes...and anything else she can pick on. That part is the BPD - the bad haircuts are just a lack of skill, I think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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