Guest guest Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 If having as much contact as you do with your nada is upsetting you and causing you stress, you might want to consider taking a " nada vacation " and going no contact for a while. My Sister went no contact with our nada for 6 months and is now feeling refreshed and more able to deal with nada's abuses. Sister now feels empowered to let nada know, in the moment, that something that nada is saying is manipulative, negative or abusive. This is due to both Sister and nada (separately) going to therapy with a psychologist who is very familiar with bpd, for the last 6 months. So, think about whether taking a complete break from the drama, the bewilderment, and the stress would help you as well. -Annie > > I don't know if it's me and since I've discovered BPD I'm hypersensitive to EVERYTHING my nada says but today just wore me out. My day off began with a call from my nada. I had thought it would be a nice call since I had dropped off groceries and some things to her yesterday. It started out nicely and then she had been triggered into going back to a period of time (8 years ago) that was a nightmare for HER as she says (and hell for me). She started bringing up things (that I have repeatedly heard so many times) and rather than keeping my big mouth shut (which I've learned is the better thing to do) I corrected her. This of course got her raging and the conversation escalated and escalated and I became the silent one on the other end of the phone (the same way i was growing up) letting her go on and on accusing me of lying, of never being compassionate and for getting her to that state. She also screamed at me to call her neighbors, gave > specific names, names of my friends, and even slipped and let me know she even got her version of this period of time in to an acquaintance of a friend of mine. I have included her in with these 3 people so she gets out even though it has been my only social outlet since she has moved nerer to me. I guess hearing that she has now spread her truth to everyone she knows, neighbors from where I grew up, family,k friends, etc. and kept telling me she isn't going to lie anymore and is telling everyone the truth. How I wish I had told everyone the truth (although noone would have ever believed me anyway). She chose a particular friend of mine who she hardly knows and who lives 2 hours away and she wants him there and we can resolve (that's funny-her idea of resolving is me agreeing to everything she says and apologizing) this issue. She chose him because he is very good to his mother and to all of his elderly relatives. I kept saying I don't > want to talk about this anymore but of course she didn't stop and kept screaming at me to listen. She said she will NEVER forget whast I did and said (quite a few different things). She rationalized herself saying it's not that I only remember bad things, I can remember some nice things too (since I tell her she has a very selective memory and she only remembers the bad and the wrongs others have done to her). Somehow we finally got off of that subject and I got the conversation in a different direction. We hung up on okay terms (according to her) although my guts were torn apart. > She phones again just to tell me one more thing she forgot when she called because I get her so upset all of the time she forgets why she called. She wanted to tell me some news she heard on the television. She also asked if I had heard from my cousin. A few days ago she had heard through my cousin's brother that my cousin was going away with his wife and daughter. She immediately calls me to ask if I knew. I didn't know and my nada's call came when I was in one of those moods where I just felt let down by everyone. She kept saying I can't believe she didn't tell you over and over. She then kept telling me to phone her and act like I didn't know. I said I wasn't going to call and that it was very nice my cousin was going with her sister -n-law and niece (since they had been on bad terms for years and recently reconciled). My nada reminded me how my cousin phoned whenever she had a problem and recently with suicide threats etc., but, > didn't call when something was good. My nada aslo credits herself for my cousin and her brother being back in touch and if it weren't for her they wouldn't be. She seems to take credit for EVERYTHING good in everyone's lives. For the past 4 days everytime I spe4ak with her it's the same... " did you speak with your cousin? " I finally left a message yesterday (not because of nada but because I hadn't been in touch in 3 weeks and we usually speak more often). When I finally told nada i left a message but she wasn'ty home she said " see, they went away and didn't tell you. I hope this teaches you a lesson " . Yes, nada it teaches me a lesson-everyone treats me like s-it, is that the lesson you want me to learn. Last night my cousin phoned briefly and she wasn't away. We didn't speak too long but we spoke. So today on nada's second call I haqd to add " by the way my cousin called last night " . I guess I was in a bit of an argumentive mood after > nada's first call and I said you tried your hardest to get me to hate her too and she wasn't away after all. I then get the usual speech " I always wanted you & cousin to be close since you had no sisters. I would never want to do that. Wasn't it me who patched up a disagreement you two had 30 years ago? " I got the I only say these things to make you aware, I only say these things because I care and don't want to to make the same mistakes I did. > What would I gain from all of this-it's only because I love you. I love you so much I've been sick over thinking about you having copd and how HE (SO) has you lifting packages and he does nothing. Then it starts all over again how much she cares and how he doesn't and he has you working like a dog. It's funny but she says that to me while I'm lugging up her groceries upstairs (you're just like a man since you've been with HIM). She manages to buy 10 cans of tomatos, 20 roll toilet papers, gallons of wine, and every heavy thing there is and goes on and on how he has me doing EVERYTHING. She hasn't been to my home or even seen him in years yet she tells EVERYONE how I do ALL of the work and he does nothing and that is why I look the way I do and that is why I'm sick. I told her I never feel good after hanging up with her and I don't think tht is the way a daughter is supposed to feel after speaking with her mother. That just opens up another can > of worms and that doesn't help either. Nothing does. I'm so tired of it.. > Then there was call #3-of course she wanted to know if my so other was home. (that is ALWAYS her first sentence). She wanted me to have him to go to the store for some sale that ended today. She even added or you can go. I told her I wasn't going and he wasn't home. He was with a friend looking at some work he was going to be doing. She busted out laughing saying well he'll have alot of fun and you're home working probably. She told me I was so stupid to think he was going to look at a job and when was I going to wake up. She kept saying she was such a fool for my father and she doesn't want me to mnake the same mistakes. When I told her it was this friend's house he was looking at to do work she shut up. > But, then she brought up a zillion times he's made a fool out of me. how ALL my friends agree with her and then she starts on my father who has been dead 20 years. > There was much much more but like all of the incidences, episodes, phone calls there is SO much i just can't describe or explain. > I know the first thing anyone reading will ask is why did youn answer the second call and then the third. The second I was going to ignore when I herd her voice on answering machine but i never know if it's something important as she is 85 and I also know if i don't answer, she will call again and again and again. And then she'll call anyone I know with some dramatic excuse like the house went on fire or I might have had a heart attack or something so it's easier to get it over with. The 3rd call she had something to tell me that she forgot (of course I got her upset again on second call so that is why she forgot). > And tonight there was the 4th call. She begins with a quick I'm sorry i made you upset (a bit shocking actually, but, she is full of s-t-another excuse for her to phone). This was her sos call that the temperature was going to be really cold and there was going to be snow and she just wanted me to know. > I thought I was getting a better grip on things but call #1 really did me in as I had to re-live a period in my life where I feel I broke and have never been the same since and thaqt was 8 years ago. And yet nada was the poor victim with adult protective services (ironically i thought they had been there for me) and poor nada whose daughter allowed her boyfriend to treat her badly and did nothing when she should have stood up for her mother. > p.s. Nada had been going to a counselor but they don't think she really needs it. Her problems are her daughter and son and they aren't going to change. So she doesn't have to go anymore. I just feel like everyone has been told such distortions of the truth about me and i don't have the physical energy or mental stamina to defend myself anymore as NO ONE knows my truth and noone ever will > because I can't even explain or describe what I have been through and continuously go through. > this is so long and I apologize. I thought maybe it would be beneficial for once to vent as I have no other outlets in my life. > thanks. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 -- When I first when LC with Nada, I decided to hang up when she began to bitch or complain. I would say, " I can tell you don't feel well...I'll talk to you later " or something like that or it would escalate into an argument. Then, I found that I didn't want to answer when she called - it made me get so anxious. (We had just moved 8 hours away after my F's death). So eventually I started to not talk to her on the phone at all, unless there's no other option - something she needs to know like an address or whatever. She doesn't email. I rarely talk to her. I only talk to her (and then try hard not to ) when she visits, and I don't engage (or try not to). I'm sedated and I read a book. Joanna - In WTOAdultChildren1 , " lorliz51@... " wrote: > > I don't know if it's me and since I've discovered BPD I'm hypersensitive to EVERYTHING my nada says but today just wore me out. My day off began with a call from my nada. I had thought it would be a nice call since I had dropped off groceries and some things to her yesterday. It started out nicely and then she had been triggered into going back to a period of time (8 years ago) that was a nightmare for HER as she says (and hell for me). She started bringing up things (that I have repeatedly heard so many times) and rather than keeping my big mouth shut (which I've learned is the better thing to do) I corrected her. This of course got her raging and the conversation escalated and escalated and I became the silent one on the other end of the phone (the same way i was growing up) letting her go on and on accusing me of lying, of never being compassionate and for getting her to that state. She also screamed at me to call her neighbors, gave > specific names, names of my friends, and even slipped and let me know she even got her version of this period of time in to an acquaintance of a friend of mine. I have included her in with these 3 people so she gets out even though it has been my only social outlet since she has moved nerer to me. I guess hearing that she has now spread her truth to everyone she knows, neighbors from where I grew up, family,k friends, etc. and kept telling me she isn't going to lie anymore and is telling everyone the truth. How I wish I had told everyone the truth (although noone would have ever believed me anyway). She chose a particular friend of mine who she hardly knows and who lives 2 hours away and she wants him there and we can resolve (that's funny-her idea of resolving is me agreeing to everything she says and apologizing) this issue. She chose him because he is very good to his mother and to all of his elderly relatives. I kept saying I don't > want to talk about this anymore but of course she didn't stop and kept screaming at me to listen. She said she will NEVER forget whast I did and said (quite a few different things). She rationalized herself saying it's not that I only remember bad things, I can remember some nice things too (since I tell her she has a very selective memory and she only remembers the bad and the wrongs others have done to her). Somehow we finally got off of that subject and I got the conversation in a different direction. We hung up on okay terms (according to her) although my guts were torn apart. > She phones again just to tell me one more thing she forgot when she called because I get her so upset all of the time she forgets why she called. She wanted to tell me some news she heard on the television. She also asked if I had heard from my cousin. A few days ago she had heard through my cousin's brother that my cousin was going away with his wife and daughter. She immediately calls me to ask if I knew. I didn't know and my nada's call came when I was in one of those moods where I just felt let down by everyone. She kept saying I can't believe she didn't tell you over and over. She then kept telling me to phone her and act like I didn't know. I said I wasn't going to call and that it was very nice my cousin was going with her sister -n-law and niece (since they had been on bad terms for years and recently reconciled). My nada reminded me how my cousin phoned whenever she had a problem and recently with suicide threats etc., but, > didn't call when something was good. My nada aslo credits herself for my cousin and her brother being back in touch and if it weren't for her they wouldn't be. She seems to take credit for EVERYTHING good in everyone's lives. For the past 4 days everytime I spe4ak with her it's the same... " did you speak with your cousin? " I finally left a message yesterday (not because of nada but because I hadn't been in touch in 3 weeks and we usually speak more often). When I finally told nada i left a message but she wasn'ty home she said " see, they went away and didn't tell you. I hope this teaches you a lesson " . Yes, nada it teaches me a lesson-everyone treats me like s-it, is that the lesson you want me to learn. Last night my cousin phoned briefly and she wasn't away. We didn't speak too long but we spoke. So today on nada's second call I haqd to add " by the way my cousin called last night " . I guess I was in a bit of an argumentive mood after > nada's first call and I said you tried your hardest to get me to hate her too and she wasn't away after all. I then get the usual speech " I always wanted you & cousin to be close since you had no sisters. I would never want to do that. Wasn't it me who patched up a disagreement you two had 30 years ago? " I got the I only say these things to make you aware, I only say these things because I care and don't want to to make the same mistakes I did. > What would I gain from all of this-it's only because I love you. I love you so much I've been sick over thinking about you having copd and how HE (SO) has you lifting packages and he does nothing. Then it starts all over again how much she cares and how he doesn't and he has you working like a dog. It's funny but she says that to me while I'm lugging up her groceries upstairs (you're just like a man since you've been with HIM). She manages to buy 10 cans of tomatos, 20 roll toilet papers, gallons of wine, and every heavy thing there is and goes on and on how he has me doing EVERYTHING. She hasn't been to my home or even seen him in years yet she tells EVERYONE how I do ALL of the work and he does nothing and that is why I look the way I do and that is why I'm sick. I told her I never feel good after hanging up with her and I don't think tht is the way a daughter is supposed to feel after speaking with her mother. That just opens up another can > of worms and that doesn't help either. Nothing does. I'm so tired of it.. > Then there was call #3-of course she wanted to know if my so other was home. (that is ALWAYS her first sentence). She wanted me to have him to go to the store for some sale that ended today. She even added or you can go. I told her I wasn't going and he wasn't home. He was with a friend looking at some work he was going to be doing. She busted out laughing saying well he'll have alot of fun and you're home working probably. She told me I was so stupid to think he was going to look at a job and when was I going to wake up. She kept saying she was such a fool for my father and she doesn't want me to mnake the same mistakes. When I told her it was this friend's house he was looking at to do work she shut up. > But, then she brought up a zillion times he's made a fool out of me. how ALL my friends agree with her and then she starts on my father who has been dead 20 years. > There was much much more but like all of the incidences, episodes, phone calls there is SO much i just can't describe or explain. > I know the first thing anyone reading will ask is why did youn answer the second call and then the third. The second I was going to ignore when I herd her voice on answering machine but i never know if it's something important as she is 85 and I also know if i don't answer, she will call again and again and again. And then she'll call anyone I know with some dramatic excuse like the house went on fire or I might have had a heart attack or something so it's easier to get it over with. The 3rd call she had something to tell me that she forgot (of course I got her upset again on second call so that is why she forgot). > And tonight there was the 4th call. She begins with a quick I'm sorry i made you upset (a bit shocking actually, but, she is full of s-t-another excuse for her to phone). This was her sos call that the temperature was going to be really cold and there was going to be snow and she just wanted me to know. > I thought I was getting a better grip on things but call #1 really did me in as I had to re- live a period in my life where I feel I broke and have never been the same since and thaqt was 8 years ago. And yet nada was the poor victim with adult protective services (ironically i thought they had been there for me) and poor nada whose daughter allowed her boyfriend to treat her badly and did nothing when she should have stood up for her mother. > p.s. Nada had been going to a counselor but they don't think she really needs it. Her problems are her daughter and son and they aren't going to change. So she doesn't have to go anymore. I just feel like everyone has been told such distortions of the truth about me and i don't have the physical energy or mental stamina to defend myself anymore as NO ONE knows my truth and noone ever will > because I can't even explain or describe what I have been through and continuously go through. > this is so long and I apologize. I thought maybe it would be beneficial for once to vent as I have no other outlets in my life. > thanks. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 --- PS. Whatever this past issue is, she will never see it your way or admit that you're right. Please don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to be unsupportive, but you need to get validation for this outside of Nada and try not to discuss it with her anymore. It will only keep you upset. I'm not saying that this is easy, but trying to defend yourself and make her see it your way will only make you feel crazy. And she loves getting this reaction out of you. Decide that you will not give her the satisfaction of the reaction. I have similar issues with my nada - from her mistreatment of my F while he was dying, to her distortion of me to others, but I cannot argue these with her. There is not point, except that she enjoys raging, being the victim, and getting me upset. I want peace. Joanna In WTOAdultChildren1 , " joannaandsophie " wrote: > > -- > > When I first when LC with Nada, I decided to hang up when she began to bitch or > complain. I would say, " I can tell you don't feel well...I'll talk to you later " or something > like that or it would escalate into an argument. Then, I found that I didn't want to answer > when she called - it made me get so anxious. (We had just moved 8 hours away after my > F's death). So eventually I started to not talk to her on the phone at all, unless there's no > other option - something she needs to know like an address or whatever. She doesn't > email. I rarely talk to her. I only talk to her (and then try hard not to ) when she visits, and > I don't engage (or try not to). I'm sedated and I read a book. > > Joanna > > > > - In WTOAdultChildren1 , " lorliz51@ " <lorliz51@> wrote: > > > > I don't know if it's me and since I've discovered BPD I'm hypersensitive to EVERYTHING > my nada says but today just wore me out. My day off began with a call from my nada. I > had thought it would be a nice call since I had dropped off groceries and some things to > her yesterday. It started out nicely and then she had been triggered into going back to a > period of time (8 years ago) that was a nightmare for HER as she says (and hell for me). > She started bringing up things (that I have repeatedly heard so many times) and rather > than keeping my big mouth shut (which I've learned is the better thing to do) I corrected > her. This of course got her raging and the conversation escalated and escalated and I > became the silent one on the other end of the phone (the same way i was growing up) > letting her go on and on accusing me of lying, of never being compassionate and for > getting her to that state. She also screamed at me to call her neighbors, gave > > specific names, names of my friends, and even slipped and let me know she even got > her version of this period of time in to an acquaintance of a friend of mine. I have included > her in with these 3 people so she gets out even though it has been my only social outlet > since she has moved nerer to me. I guess hearing that she has now spread her truth to > everyone she knows, neighbors from where I grew up, family,k friends, etc. and kept > telling me she isn't going to lie anymore and is telling everyone the truth. How I wish I > had told everyone the truth (although noone would have ever believed me anyway). She > chose a particular friend of mine who she hardly knows and who lives 2 hours away and > she wants him there and we can resolve (that's funny-her idea of resolving is me agreeing > to everything she says and apologizing) this issue. She chose him because he is very good > to his mother and to all of his elderly relatives. I kept saying I don't > > want to talk about this anymore but of course she didn't stop and kept screaming at me > to listen. She said she will NEVER forget whast I did and said (quite a few different things). > She rationalized herself saying it's not that I only remember bad things, I can remember > some nice things too (since I tell her she has a very selective memory and she only > remembers the bad and the wrongs others have done to her). Somehow we finally got off > of that subject and I got the conversation in a different direction. We hung up on okay > terms (according to her) although my guts were torn apart. > > She phones again just to tell me one more thing she forgot when she called because I > get her so upset all of the time she forgets why she called. She wanted to tell me some > news she heard on the television. She also asked if I had heard from my cousin. A few > days ago she had heard through my cousin's brother that my cousin was going away with > his wife and daughter. She immediately calls me to ask if I knew. I didn't know and my > nada's call came when I was in one of those moods where I just felt let down by everyone. > She kept saying I can't believe she didn't tell you over and over. She then kept telling me > to phone her and act like I didn't know. I said I wasn't going to call and that it was very > nice my cousin was going with her sister -n-law and niece (since they had been on bad > terms for years and recently reconciled). My nada reminded me how my cousin phoned > whenever she had a problem and recently with suicide threats etc., but, > > didn't call when something was good. My nada aslo credits herself for my cousin and > her brother being back in touch and if it weren't for her they wouldn't be. She seems to > take credit for EVERYTHING good in everyone's lives. For the past 4 days everytime I > spe4ak with her it's the same... " did you speak with your cousin? " I finally left a message > yesterday (not because of nada but because I hadn't been in touch in 3 weeks and we > usually speak more often). When I finally told nada i left a message but she wasn'ty home > she said " see, they went away and didn't tell you. I hope this teaches you a lesson " . Yes, > nada it teaches me a lesson-everyone treats me like s-it, is that the lesson you want me > to learn. Last night my cousin phoned briefly and she wasn't away. We didn't speak too > long but we spoke. So today on nada's second call I haqd to add " by the way my cousin > called last night " . I guess I was in a bit of an argumentive mood after > > nada's first call and I said you tried your hardest to get me to hate her too and she > wasn't away after all. I then get the usual speech " I always wanted you & cousin to be > close since you had no sisters. I would never want to do that. Wasn't it me who patched > up a disagreement you two had 30 years ago? " I got the I only say these things to make > you aware, I only say these things because I care and don't want to to make the same > mistakes I did. > > What would I gain from all of this-it's only because I love you. I love you so much I've > been sick over thinking about you having copd and how HE (SO) has you lifting packages > and he does nothing. Then it starts all over again how much she cares and how he doesn't > and he has you working like a dog. It's funny but she says that to me while I'm lugging up > her groceries upstairs (you're just like a man since you've been with HIM). She manages to > buy 10 cans of tomatos, 20 roll toilet papers, gallons of wine, and every heavy thing there > is and goes on and on how he has me doing EVERYTHING. She hasn't been to my home or > even seen him in years yet she tells EVERYONE how I do ALL of the work and he does > nothing and that is why I look the way I do and that is why I'm sick. I told her I never feel > good after hanging up with her and I don't think tht is the way a daughter is supposed to > feel after speaking with her mother. That just opens up another can > > of worms and that doesn't help either. Nothing does. I'm so tired of it.. > > Then there was call #3-of course she wanted to know if my so other was home. (that is > ALWAYS her first sentence). She wanted me to have him to go to the store for some sale > that ended today. She even added or you can go. I told her I wasn't going and he wasn't > home. He was with a friend looking at some work he was going to be doing. She busted > out laughing saying well he'll have alot of fun and you're home working probably. She told > me I was so stupid to think he was going to look at a job and when was I going to wake > up. She kept saying she was such a fool for my father and she doesn't want me to mnake > the same mistakes. When I told her it was this friend's house he was looking at to do work > she shut up. > > But, then she brought up a zillion times he's made a fool out of me. how ALL my friends > agree with her and then she starts on my father who has been dead 20 years. > > There was much much more but like all of the incidences, episodes, phone calls there is > SO much i just can't describe or explain. > > I know the first thing anyone reading will ask is why did youn answer the second call > and then the third. The second I was going to ignore when I herd her voice on answering > machine but i never know if it's something important as she is 85 and I also know if i don't > answer, she will call again and again and again. And then she'll call anyone I know with > some dramatic excuse like the house went on fire or I might have had a heart attack or > something so it's easier to get it over with. The 3rd call she had something to tell me that > she forgot (of course I got her upset again on second call so that is why she forgot). > > And tonight there was the 4th call. She begins with a quick I'm sorry i made you upset > (a bit shocking actually, but, she is full of s-t-another excuse for her to phone). This was > her sos call that the temperature was going to be really cold and there was going to be > snow and she just wanted me to know. > > I thought I was getting a better grip on things but call #1 really did me in as I had to re- > live a period in my life where I feel I broke and have never been the same since and thaqt > was 8 years ago. And yet nada was the poor victim with adult protective services > (ironically i thought they had been there for me) and poor nada whose daughter allowed > her boyfriend to treat her badly and did nothing when she should have stood up for her > mother. > > p.s. Nada had been going to a counselor but they don't think she really needs it. Her > problems are her daughter and son and they aren't going to change. So she doesn't have > to go anymore. I just feel like everyone has been told such distortions of the truth about > me and i don't have the physical energy or mental stamina to defend myself anymore as > NO ONE knows my truth and noone ever will > > because I can't even explain or describe what I have been through and continuously go > through. > > this is so long and I apologize. I thought maybe it would be beneficial for once to vent > as I have no other outlets in my life. > > thanks. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Your nada is CRAZY. She reminds me of my nada, although mine is not quite as obvious...she's more covert. This was such a perfectly crafted description of what it's like to deal with a nada. This part really struck me: I just feel like everyone has been told such distortions of the truth about me and i don't have the physical energy or mental stamina to defend myself anymore as NO ONE knows my truth and noone ever will > because I can't even explain or describe what I have been through and continuously go through. WE know the truth, so I hope that is of some comfort to you. As far as being tired, of course you're tired; she is sucking the life out of you. It's not fair and it's not right. Unfortunately, you are the only one who can put a stop to it. I wish you well in your journey with this. -Deanna > > I don't know if it's me and since I've discovered BPD I'm hypersensitive to EVERYTHING my nada says but today just wore me out. My day off began with a call from my nada. I had thought it would be a nice call since I had dropped off groceries and some things to her yesterday. It started out nicely and then she had been triggered into going back to a period of time (8 years ago) that was a nightmare for HER as she says (and hell for me). She started bringing up things (that I have repeatedly heard so many times) and rather than keeping my big mouth shut (which I've learned is the better thing to do) I corrected her. This of course got her raging and the conversation escalated and escalated and I became the silent one on the other end of the phone (the same way i was growing up) letting her go on and on accusing me of lying, of never being compassionate and for getting her to that state. She also screamed at me to call her neighbors, gave > specific names, names of my friends, and even slipped and let me know she even got her version of this period of time in to an acquaintance of a friend of mine. I have included her in with these 3 people so she gets out even though it has been my only social outlet since she has moved nerer to me. I guess hearing that she has now spread her truth to everyone she knows, neighbors from where I grew up, family,k friends, etc. and kept telling me she isn't going to lie anymore and is telling everyone the truth. How I wish I had told everyone the truth (although noone would have ever believed me anyway). She chose a particular friend of mine who she hardly knows and who lives 2 hours away and she wants him there and we can resolve (that's funny-her idea of resolving is me agreeing to everything she says and apologizing) this issue. She chose him because he is very good to his mother and to all of his elderly relatives. I kept saying I don't > want to talk about this anymore but of course she didn't stop and kept screaming at me to listen. She said she will NEVER forget whast I did and said (quite a few different things). She rationalized herself saying it's not that I only remember bad things, I can remember some nice things too (since I tell her she has a very selective memory and she only remembers the bad and the wrongs others have done to her). Somehow we finally got off of that subject and I got the conversation in a different direction. We hung up on okay terms (according to her) although my guts were torn apart. > She phones again just to tell me one more thing she forgot when she called because I get her so upset all of the time she forgets why she called. She wanted to tell me some news she heard on the television. She also asked if I had heard from my cousin. A few days ago she had heard through my cousin's brother that my cousin was going away with his wife and daughter. She immediately calls me to ask if I knew. I didn't know and my nada's call came when I was in one of those moods where I just felt let down by everyone. She kept saying I can't believe she didn't tell you over and over. She then kept telling me to phone her and act like I didn't know. I said I wasn't going to call and that it was very nice my cousin was going with her sister -n-law and niece (since they had been on bad terms for years and recently reconciled). My nada reminded me how my cousin phoned whenever she had a problem and recently with suicide threats etc., but, > didn't call when something was good. My nada aslo credits herself for my cousin and her brother being back in touch and if it weren't for her they wouldn't be. She seems to take credit for EVERYTHING good in everyone's lives. For the past 4 days everytime I spe4ak with her it's the same... " did you speak with your cousin? " I finally left a message yesterday (not because of nada but because I hadn't been in touch in 3 weeks and we usually speak more often). When I finally told nada i left a message but she wasn'ty home she said " see, they went away and didn't tell you. I hope this teaches you a lesson " . Yes, nada it teaches me a lesson-everyone treats me like s-it, is that the lesson you want me to learn. Last night my cousin phoned briefly and she wasn't away. We didn't speak too long but we spoke. So today on nada's second call I haqd to add " by the way my cousin called last night " . I guess I was in a bit of an argumentive mood after > nada's first call and I said you tried your hardest to get me to hate her too and she wasn't away after all. I then get the usual speech " I always wanted you & cousin to be close since you had no sisters. I would never want to do that. Wasn't it me who patched up a disagreement you two had 30 years ago? " I got the I only say these things to make you aware, I only say these things because I care and don't want to to make the same mistakes I did. > What would I gain from all of this-it's only because I love you. I love you so much I've been sick over thinking about you having copd and how HE (SO) has you lifting packages and he does nothing. Then it starts all over again how much she cares and how he doesn't and he has you working like a dog. It's funny but she says that to me while I'm lugging up her groceries upstairs (you're just like a man since you've been with HIM). She manages to buy 10 cans of tomatos, 20 roll toilet papers, gallons of wine, and every heavy thing there is and goes on and on how he has me doing EVERYTHING. She hasn't been to my home or even seen him in years yet she tells EVERYONE how I do ALL of the work and he does nothing and that is why I look the way I do and that is why I'm sick. I told her I never feel good after hanging up with her and I don't think tht is the way a daughter is supposed to feel after speaking with her mother. That just opens up another can > of worms and that doesn't help either. Nothing does. I'm so tired of it.. > Then there was call #3-of course she wanted to know if my so other was home. (that is ALWAYS her first sentence). She wanted me to have him to go to the store for some sale that ended today. She even added or you can go. I told her I wasn't going and he wasn't home. He was with a friend looking at some work he was going to be doing. She busted out laughing saying well he'll have alot of fun and you're home working probably. She told me I was so stupid to think he was going to look at a job and when was I going to wake up. She kept saying she was such a fool for my father and she doesn't want me to mnake the same mistakes. When I told her it was this friend's house he was looking at to do work she shut up. > But, then she brought up a zillion times he's made a fool out of me. how ALL my friends agree with her and then she starts on my father who has been dead 20 years. > There was much much more but like all of the incidences, episodes, phone calls there is SO much i just can't describe or explain. > I know the first thing anyone reading will ask is why did youn answer the second call and then the third. The second I was going to ignore when I herd her voice on answering machine but i never know if it's something important as she is 85 and I also know if i don't answer, she will call again and again and again. And then she'll call anyone I know with some dramatic excuse like the house went on fire or I might have had a heart attack or something so it's easier to get it over with. The 3rd call she had something to tell me that she forgot (of course I got her upset again on second call so that is why she forgot). > And tonight there was the 4th call. She begins with a quick I'm sorry i made you upset (a bit shocking actually, but, she is full of s-t-another excuse for her to phone). This was her sos call that the temperature was going to be really cold and there was going to be snow and she just wanted me to know. > I thought I was getting a better grip on things but call #1 really did me in as I had to re-live a period in my life where I feel I broke and have never been the same since and thaqt was 8 years ago. And yet nada was the poor victim with adult protective services (ironically i thought they had been there for me) and poor nada whose daughter allowed her boyfriend to treat her badly and did nothing when she should have stood up for her mother. > p.s. Nada had been going to a counselor but they don't think she really needs it. Her problems are her daughter and son and they aren't going to change. So she doesn't have to go anymore. I just feel like everyone has been told such distortions of the truth about me and i don't have the physical energy or mental stamina to defend myself anymore as NO ONE knows my truth and noone ever will > because I can't even explain or describe what I have been through and continuously go through. > this is so long and I apologize. I thought maybe it would be beneficial for once to vent as I have no other outlets in my life. > thanks. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 > > > > I don't know if it's me and since I've discovered BPD I'm > hypersensitive to EVERYTHING my nada says but today just wore me out. > My day off began with a call from my nada. I had thought it would be > a nice call since I had dropped off groceries and some things to her > yesterday. It started out nicely and then she had been triggered into > going back to a period of time (8 years ago) that was a nightmare for > HER as she says (and hell for me). She started bringing up things > (that I have repeatedly heard so many times) and rather than keeping > my big mouth shut (which I've learned is the better thing to do) I > corrected her. This of course got her raging and the conversation > escalated and escalated and I became the silent one on the other end > of the phone (the same way i was growing up) letting her go on and on > accusing me of lying, of never being compassionate and for getting her > to that state. She also screamed at me to call her neighbors, gave > > specific names, names of my friends, and even slipped and let me > know she even got her version of this period of time in to an > acquaintance of a friend of mine. I have included her in with these 3 > people so she gets out even though it has been my only social outlet > since she has moved nerer to me. I guess hearing that she has now > spread her truth to everyone she knows, neighbors from where I grew > up, family,k friends, etc. and kept telling me she isn't going to lie > anymore and is telling everyone the truth. How I wish I had told > everyone the truth (although noone would have ever believed me > anyway). She chose a particular friend of mine who she hardly knows > and who lives 2 hours away and she wants him there and we can resolve > (that's funny-her idea of resolving is me agreeing to everything she > says and apologizing) this issue. She chose him because he is very > good to his mother and to all of his elderly relatives. I kept saying > I don't > > want to talk about this anymore but of course she didn't stop and > kept screaming at me to listen. She said she will NEVER forget whast > I did and said (quite a few different things). She rationalized > herself saying it's not that I only remember bad things, I can > remember some nice things too (since I tell her she has a very > selective memory and she only remembers the bad and the wrongs others > have done to her). Somehow we finally got off of that subject and I > got the conversation in a different direction. We hung up on okay > terms (according to her) although my guts were torn apart. > > She phones again just to tell me one more thing she forgot when she > called because I get her so upset all of the time she forgets why she > called. She wanted to tell me some news she heard on the television. > She also asked if I had heard from my cousin. A few days ago she had > heard through my cousin's brother that my cousin was going away with > his wife and daughter. She immediately calls me to ask if I knew. I > didn't know and my nada's call came when I was in one of those moods > where I just felt let down by everyone. She kept saying I can't > believe she didn't tell you over and over. She then kept telling me > to phone her and act like I didn't know. I said I wasn't going to > call and that it was very nice my cousin was going with her sister > -n-law and niece (since they had been on bad terms for years and > recently reconciled). My nada reminded me how my cousin phoned > whenever she had a problem and recently with suicide threats etc., but, > > didn't call when something was good. My nada aslo credits herself > for my cousin and her brother being back in touch and if it weren't > for her they wouldn't be. She seems to take credit for EVERYTHING > good in everyone's lives. For the past 4 days everytime I spe4ak with > her it's the same... " did you speak with your cousin? " I finally left a > message yesterday (not because of nada but because I hadn't been in > touch in 3 weeks and we usually speak more often). When I finally > told nada i left a message but she wasn'ty home she said " see, they > went away and didn't tell you. I hope this teaches you a lesson " . > Yes, nada it teaches me a lesson-everyone treats me like s-it, is that > the lesson you want me to learn. Last night my cousin phoned briefly > and she wasn't away. We didn't speak too long but we spoke. So today > on nada's second call I haqd to add " by the way my cousin called last > night " . I guess I was in a bit of an argumentive mood after > > nada's first call and I said you tried your hardest to get me to > hate her too and she wasn't away after all. I then get the usual > speech " I always wanted you & cousin to be close since you had no > sisters. I would never want to do that. Wasn't it me who patched up > a disagreement you two had 30 years ago? " I got the I only say these > things to make you aware, I only say these things because I care and > don't want to to make the same mistakes I did. > > What would I gain from all of this-it's only because I love you. I > love you so much I've been sick over thinking about you having copd > and how HE (SO) has you lifting packages and he does nothing. Then it > starts all over again how much she cares and how he doesn't and he has > you working like a dog. It's funny but she says that to me while I'm > lugging up her groceries upstairs (you're just like a man since you've > been with HIM). She manages to buy 10 cans of tomatos, 20 roll toilet > papers, gallons of wine, and every heavy thing there is and goes on > and on how he has me doing EVERYTHING. She hasn't been to my home or > even seen him in years yet she tells EVERYONE how I do ALL of the work > and he does nothing and that is why I look the way I do and that is > why I'm sick. I told her I never feel good after hanging up with her > and I don't think tht is the way a daughter is supposed to feel after > speaking with her mother. That just opens up another can > > of worms and that doesn't help either. Nothing does. I'm so tired > of it.. > > Then there was call #3-of course she wanted to know if my so other > was home. (that is ALWAYS her first sentence). She wanted me to have > him to go to the store for some sale that ended today. She even added > or you can go. I told her I wasn't going and he wasn't home. He was > with a friend looking at some work he was going to be doing. She > busted out laughing saying well he'll have alot of fun and you're home > working probably. She told me I was so stupid to think he was going > to look at a job and when was I going to wake up. She kept saying she > was such a fool for my father and she doesn't want me to mnake the > same mistakes. When I told her it was this friend's house he was > looking at to do work she shut up. > > But, then she brought up a zillion times he's made a fool out of me. > how ALL my friends agree with her and then she starts on my father who > has been dead 20 years. > > There was much much more but like all of the incidences, episodes, > phone calls there is SO much i just can't describe or explain. > > I know the first thing anyone reading will ask is why did youn > answer the second call and then the third. The second I was going to > ignore when I herd her voice on answering machine but i never know if > it's something important as she is 85 and I also know if i don't > answer, she will call again and again and again. And then she'll call > anyone I know with some dramatic excuse like the house went on fire or > I might have had a heart attack or something so it's easier to get it > over with. The 3rd call she had something to tell me that she forgot > (of course I got her upset again on second call so that is why she > forgot). > > And tonight there was the 4th call. She begins with a quick I'm > sorry i made you upset (a bit shocking actually, but, she is full of > s-t-another excuse for her to phone). This was her sos call that the > temperature was going to be really cold and there was going to be snow > and she just wanted me to know. > > I thought I was getting a better grip on things but call #1 really > did me in as I had to re-live a period in my life where I feel I broke > and have never been the same since and thaqt was 8 years ago. And > yet nada was the poor victim with adult protective services > (ironically i thought they had been there for me) and poor nada whose > daughter allowed her boyfriend to treat her badly and did nothing when > she should have stood up for her mother. > > p.s. Nada had been going to a counselor but they don't think she > really needs it. Her problems are her daughter and son and they > aren't going to change. So she doesn't have to go anymore. I just > feel like everyone has been told such distortions of the truth about > me and i don't have the physical energy or mental stamina to defend > myself anymore as NO ONE knows my truth and noone ever will > > because I can't even explain or describe what I have been through > and continuously go through. > > this is so long and I apologize. I thought maybe it would be > beneficial for once to vent as I have no other outlets in my life. > > thanks. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 That's great advice, hanging up. Also good advice to set boundaries about the number of phone calls you're willing to receive. You are not obligated to answer the phone if you don't want to. I would be annoyed as hell if my mother called me 4 times in a row acting the way yours did. I recommend letting your mother know that you will accept one phone call a day/week/month (whatever works for you), and that if she forgets something she will have to wait until the next day to talk to you again. As for that first conversation where she brought up 8 years ago, I have learned to say, " Mom, I'm not going to discuss that with you. If you are unhappy about it, you might consider talking to a professional. " And then hang up when she keeps going on and on. " Mom, I'm not for [calling names, yelling at, talking to that way]. I'm hanging up now. " -click- " I've told you I'm not willing to discuss that with you. Would you like to choose another subject, or shall we hang up for now? " > I have a great way of dealing with this that sounds so simple, you may > think I'm minimizing your pain. Trust me I am not. After years of > abusive phone calls, after showing my fangs for every nasty slight, > swallowing my hurt and staying silent, I finally got some great advice > from my old room mate/best friend/forensic psychologist. Hang up the > damn phone. No kidding. I was TERRIFIED to do this. but one time my > brother called up and acted out right when I was having a bad day. A > friend of mine had died tragically and he decided to go off on a > tangent about what a jerk I was for some perceived slight. she reached > over and hung up the phone. He then took to texting me with his > outrage. My room mate calmly grabbed my phone, deleted the texts > without either of us reading them. Gave me back the phone and said, > " That's how you deal with that. " Then we went out for a burger, > leaving our phones at home. > > That's how you deal with that. Hang up. Will you be the bastard for > doing so? Yes. You will be anyway. But this teaches them that you > won't put up with it. Eventually you will get moments of peace. > > As for what she says to people, don't you think that reflects poorly > on her? Don't you think that normal people, ones without a BP in their > life, will listen to her for two seconds and say, " This woman's > goofy! " and chalk whatever she says about you up to the rantings of a > woman who is obviously unstable? I think they do. If they can't see > it, then forget them. Get out and expand your circle of friends and > DON'T include your NADA. It's working for me. It's hard, no doubt. > > Hang tough. Hang out and hang up! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Your nada sounds pretty toxic to me, if she is working the system to make people think that *you* are abusing *her*, if she has gotten you so enmeshed with her that she expects you to " check in " with her and tell her where you've been if you don't call when she thinks you should. I'd look into any way possible for you to detach from her completely. Your mother is an adult, and she should be responsible for her own choices and decisions. You have the right to your own joyful, independent, responsible adult life. No sane parent becomes an emotional vampire, expecting their adult children to sacrifice themselves for the parent's needs. In my opinion, you do need to find a therapist who specializes in Cluster B personality disorders even if you have to scrimp and save or get a second job, you need an advocate who can help you navigate through the toxic swamp of emotional abuse you are enduring and escape from it. In my opinion, from the content and tone of your writing, you are in danger of becoming seriously depressed. Please take care of yourself, and I hope you set a goal of finding the right therapist and beginning the process of setting boundaries with your nada. -Annie > > > > I don't know if it's me and since I've discovered BPD I'm > hypersensitive to EVERYTHING my nada says but today just wore me out. > My day off began with a call from my nada. I had thought it would be > a nice call since I had dropped off groceries and some things to her > yesterday. It started out nicely and then she had been triggered into > going back to a period of time (8 years ago) that was a nightmare for > HER as she says (and hell for me). She started bringing up things > (that I have repeatedly heard so many times) and rather than keeping > my big mouth shut (which I've learned is the better thing to do) I > corrected her. This of course got her raging and the conversation > escalated and escalated and I became the silent one on the other end > of the phone (the same way i was growing up) letting her go on and on > accusing me of lying, of never being compassionate and for getting her > to that state. She also screamed at me to call her neighbors, gave > > specific names, names of my friends, and even slipped and let me > know she even got her version of this period of time in to an > acquaintance of a friend of mine. I have included her in with these 3 > people so she gets out even though it has been my only social outlet > since she has moved nerer to me. I guess hearing that she has now > spread her truth to everyone she knows, neighbors from where I grew > up, family,k friends, etc. and kept telling me she isn't going to lie > anymore and is telling everyone the truth. How I wish I had told > everyone the truth (although noone would have ever believed me > anyway). She chose a particular friend of mine who she hardly knows > and who lives 2 hours away and she wants him there and we can resolve > (that's funny-her idea of resolving is me agreeing to everything she > says and apologizing) this issue. She chose him because he is very > good to his mother and to all of his elderly relatives. I kept saying > I don't > > want to talk about this anymore but of course she didn't stop and > kept screaming at me to listen. She said she will NEVER forget whast > I did and said (quite a few different things). She rationalized > herself saying it's not that I only remember bad things, I can > remember some nice things too (since I tell her she has a very > selective memory and she only remembers the bad and the wrongs others > have done to her). Somehow we finally got off of that subject and I > got the conversation in a different direction. We hung up on okay > terms (according to her) although my guts were torn apart. > > She phones again just to tell me one more thing she forgot when she > called because I get her so upset all of the time she forgets why she > called. She wanted to tell me some news she heard on the television. > She also asked if I had heard from my cousin. A few days ago she had > heard through my cousin's brother that my cousin was going away with > his wife and daughter. She immediately calls me to ask if I knew. I > didn't know and my nada's call came when I was in one of those moods > where I just felt let down by everyone. She kept saying I can't > believe she didn't tell you over and over. She then kept telling me > to phone her and act like I didn't know. I said I wasn't going to > call and that it was very nice my cousin was going with her sister > -n-law and niece (since they had been on bad terms for years and > recently reconciled). My nada reminded me how my cousin phoned > whenever she had a problem and recently with suicide threats etc., but, > > didn't call when something was good. My nada aslo credits herself > for my cousin and her brother being back in touch and if it weren't > for her they wouldn't be. She seems to take credit for EVERYTHING > good in everyone's lives. For the past 4 days everytime I spe4ak with > her it's the same... " did you speak with your cousin? " I finally left a > message yesterday (not because of nada but because I hadn't been in > touch in 3 weeks and we usually speak more often). When I finally > told nada i left a message but she wasn'ty home she said " see, they > went away and didn't tell you. I hope this teaches you a lesson " . > Yes, nada it teaches me a lesson-everyone treats me like s-it, is that > the lesson you want me to learn. Last night my cousin phoned briefly > and she wasn't away. We didn't speak too long but we spoke. So today > on nada's second call I haqd to add " by the way my cousin called last > night " . I guess I was in a bit of an argumentive mood after > > nada's first call and I said you tried your hardest to get me to > hate her too and she wasn't away after all. I then get the usual > speech " I always wanted you & cousin to be close since you had no > sisters. I would never want to do that. Wasn't it me who patched up > a disagreement you two had 30 years ago? " I got the I only say these > things to make you aware, I only say these things because I care and > don't want to to make the same mistakes I did. > > What would I gain from all of this-it's only because I love you. I > love you so much I've been sick over thinking about you having copd > and how HE (SO) has you lifting packages and he does nothing. Then it > starts all over again how much she cares and how he doesn't and he has > you working like a dog. It's funny but she says that to me while I'm > lugging up her groceries upstairs (you're just like a man since you've > been with HIM). She manages to buy 10 cans of tomatos, 20 roll toilet > papers, gallons of wine, and every heavy thing there is and goes on > and on how he has me doing EVERYTHING. She hasn't been to my home or > even seen him in years yet she tells EVERYONE how I do ALL of the work > and he does nothing and that is why I look the way I do and that is > why I'm sick. I told her I never feel good after hanging up with her > and I don't think tht is the way a daughter is supposed to feel after > speaking with her mother. That just opens up another can > > of worms and that doesn't help either. Nothing does. I'm so tired > of it.. > > Then there was call #3-of course she wanted to know if my so other > was home. (that is ALWAYS her first sentence). She wanted me to have > him to go to the store for some sale that ended today. She even added > or you can go. I told her I wasn't going and he wasn't home. He was > with a friend looking at some work he was going to be doing. She > busted out laughing saying well he'll have alot of fun and you're home > working probably. She told me I was so stupid to think he was going > to look at a job and when was I going to wake up. She kept saying she > was such a fool for my father and she doesn't want me to mnake the > same mistakes. When I told her it was this friend's house he was > looking at to do work she shut up. > > But, then she brought up a zillion times he's made a fool out of me. > how ALL my friends agree with her and then she starts on my father who > has been dead 20 years. > > There was much much more but like all of the incidences, episodes, > phone calls there is SO much i just can't describe or explain. > > I know the first thing anyone reading will ask is why did youn > answer the second call and then the third. The second I was going to > ignore when I herd her voice on answering machine but i never know if > it's something important as she is 85 and I also know if i don't > answer, she will call again and again and again. And then she'll call > anyone I know with some dramatic excuse like the house went on fire or > I might have had a heart attack or something so it's easier to get it > over with. The 3rd call she had something to tell me that she forgot > (of course I got her upset again on second call so that is why she > forgot). > > And tonight there was the 4th call. She begins with a quick I'm > sorry i made you upset (a bit shocking actually, but, she is full of > s-t-another excuse for her to phone). This was her sos call that the > temperature was going to be really cold and there was going to be snow > and she just wanted me to know. > > I thought I was getting a better grip on things but call #1 really > did me in as I had to re-live a period in my life where I feel I broke > and have never been the same since and thaqt was 8 years ago. And > yet nada was the poor victim with adult protective services > (ironically i thought they had been there for me) and poor nada whose > daughter allowed her boyfriend to treat her badly and did nothing when > she should have stood up for her mother. > > p.s.. Nada had been going to a counselor but they don't think she > really needs it. Her problems are her daughter and son and they > aren't going to change. So she doesn't have to go anymore. I just > feel like everyone has been told such distortions of the truth about > me and i don't have the physical energy or mental stamina to defend > myself anymore as NO ONE knows my truth and noone ever will > > because I can't even explain or describe what I have been through > and continuously go through. > > this is so long and I apologize. I thought maybe it would be > beneficial for once to vent as I have no other outlets in my life. > > thanks. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2009 Report Share Posted January 21, 2009 Lorliz, Nada claims MH folks all gave her a clean bill of health and thus she can stop going to therapy - couldn't that just be a bunch of baloney? Most [or at least many] BPDs have serious perceptual distortion - they see/hear/remember things the way THEY WANT to, not the way they are or were. Or they may consciously, purposely, rewrite reality and lie to suit their own acceptable narrative. I wouldn't trust nada's version of what other people said, especially her mental health professionals. Just one example from my experience with grandnada: she claimed [to my mom] that she " chewed out " two cousins of mine for having disclosed stuff to me about their nada's neglect and abuse during their childhoods - then I talk to one of the cousins and apologize for getting her chewed out, and she tells me, " Uh, I haven't heard from her in MONTHS, and she never mentioned anything like that to me. " She probably just said it to make me feel guilty for " getting them in trouble. " Never mind we're all in our 30's ... > > > > I don't know if it's me and since I've discovered BPD I'm > hypersensitive to EVERYTHING my nada says but today just wore me out. > My day off began with a call from my nada. I had thought it would be > a nice call since I had dropped off groceries and some things to her > yesterday. It started out nicely and then she had been triggered into > going back to a period of time (8 years ago) that was a nightmare for > HER as she says (and hell for me). She started bringing up things > (that I have repeatedly heard so many times) and rather than keeping > my big mouth shut (which I've learned is the better thing to do) I > corrected her. This of course got her raging and the conversation > escalated and escalated and I became the silent one on the other end > of the phone (the same way i was growing up) letting her go on and on > accusing me of lying, of never being compassionate and for getting her > to that state. She also screamed at me to call her neighbors, gave > > specific names, names of my friends, and even slipped and let me > know she even got her version of this period of time in to an > acquaintance of a friend of mine. I have included her in with these 3 > people so she gets out even though it has been my only social outlet > since she has moved nerer to me. I guess hearing that she has now > spread her truth to everyone she knows, neighbors from where I grew > up, family,k friends, etc. and kept telling me she isn't going to lie > anymore and is telling everyone the truth. How I wish I had told > everyone the truth (although noone would have ever believed me > anyway). She chose a particular friend of mine who she hardly knows > and who lives 2 hours away and she wants him there and we can resolve > (that's funny-her idea of resolving is me agreeing to everything she > says and apologizing) this issue. She chose him because he is very > good to his mother and to all of his elderly relatives. I kept saying > I don't > > want to talk about this anymore but of course she didn't stop and > kept screaming at me to listen. She said she will NEVER forget whast > I did and said (quite a few different things). She rationalized > herself saying it's not that I only remember bad things, I can > remember some nice things too (since I tell her she has a very > selective memory and she only remembers the bad and the wrongs others > have done to her). Somehow we finally got off of that subject and I > got the conversation in a different direction. We hung up on okay > terms (according to her) although my guts were torn apart. > > She phones again just to tell me one more thing she forgot when she > called because I get her so upset all of the time she forgets why she > called. She wanted to tell me some news she heard on the television. > She also asked if I had heard from my cousin. A few days ago she had > heard through my cousin's brother that my cousin was going away with > his wife and daughter. She immediately calls me to ask if I knew. I > didn't know and my nada's call came when I was in one of those moods > where I just felt let down by everyone. She kept saying I can't > believe she didn't tell you over and over. She then kept telling me > to phone her and act like I didn't know. I said I wasn't going to > call and that it was very nice my cousin was going with her sister > -n-law and niece (since they had been on bad terms for years and > recently reconciled). My nada reminded me how my cousin phoned > whenever she had a problem and recently with suicide threats etc., but, > > didn't call when something was good. My nada aslo credits herself > for my cousin and her brother being back in touch and if it weren't > for her they wouldn't be. She seems to take credit for EVERYTHING > good in everyone's lives. For the past 4 days everytime I spe4ak with > her it's the same... " did you speak with your cousin? " I finally left a > message yesterday (not because of nada but because I hadn't been in > touch in 3 weeks and we usually speak more often). When I finally > told nada i left a message but she wasn'ty home she said " see, they > went away and didn't tell you. I hope this teaches you a lesson " . > Yes, nada it teaches me a lesson-everyone treats me like s-it, is that > the lesson you want me to learn. Last night my cousin phoned briefly > and she wasn't away. We didn't speak too long but we spoke. So today > on nada's second call I haqd to add " by the way my cousin called last > night " . I guess I was in a bit of an argumentive mood after > > nada's first call and I said you tried your hardest to get me to > hate her too and she wasn't away after all. I then get the usual > speech " I always wanted you & cousin to be close since you had no > sisters. I would never want to do that. Wasn't it me who patched up > a disagreement you two had 30 years ago? " I got the I only say these > things to make you aware, I only say these things because I care and > don't want to to make the same mistakes I did. > > What would I gain from all of this-it's only because I love you. I > love you so much I've been sick over thinking about you having copd > and how HE (SO) has you lifting packages and he does nothing. Then it > starts all over again how much she cares and how he doesn't and he has > you working like a dog. It's funny but she says that to me while I'm > lugging up her groceries upstairs (you're just like a man since you've > been with HIM). She manages to buy 10 cans of tomatos, 20 roll toilet > papers, gallons of wine, and every heavy thing there is and goes on > and on how he has me doing EVERYTHING. She hasn't been to my home or > even seen him in years yet she tells EVERYONE how I do ALL of the work > and he does nothing and that is why I look the way I do and that is > why I'm sick. I told her I never feel good after hanging up with her > and I don't think tht is the way a daughter is supposed to feel after > speaking with her mother. That just opens up another can > > of worms and that doesn't help either. Nothing does. I'm so tired > of it.. > > Then there was call #3-of course she wanted to know if my so other > was home. (that is ALWAYS her first sentence). She wanted me to have > him to go to the store for some sale that ended today. She even added > or you can go. I told her I wasn't going and he wasn't home. He was > with a friend looking at some work he was going to be doing. She > busted out laughing saying well he'll have alot of fun and you're home > working probably. She told me I was so stupid to think he was going > to look at a job and when was I going to wake up. She kept saying she > was such a fool for my father and she doesn't want me to mnake the > same mistakes. When I told her it was this friend's house he was > looking at to do work she shut up. > > But, then she brought up a zillion times he's made a fool out of me. > how ALL my friends agree with her and then she starts on my father who > has been dead 20 years. > > There was much much more but like all of the incidences, episodes, > phone calls there is SO much i just can't describe or explain. > > I know the first thing anyone reading will ask is why did youn > answer the second call and then the third. The second I was going to > ignore when I herd her voice on answering machine but i never know if > it's something important as she is 85 and I also know if i don't > answer, she will call again and again and again. And then she'll call > anyone I know with some dramatic excuse like the house went on fire or > I might have had a heart attack or something so it's easier to get it > over with. The 3rd call she had something to tell me that she forgot > (of course I got her upset again on second call so that is why she > forgot). > > And tonight there was the 4th call. She begins with a quick I'm > sorry i made you upset (a bit shocking actually, but, she is full of > s-t-another excuse for her to phone). This was her sos call that the > temperature was going to be really cold and there was going to be snow > and she just wanted me to know. > > I thought I was getting a better grip on things but call #1 really > did me in as I had to re-live a period in my life where I feel I broke > and have never been the same since and thaqt was 8 years ago. And > yet nada was the poor victim with adult protective services > (ironically i thought they had been there for me) and poor nada whose > daughter allowed her boyfriend to treat her badly and did nothing when > she should have stood up for her mother. > > p.s.. Nada had been going to a counselor but they don't think she > really needs it. Her problems are her daughter and son and they > aren't going to change. So she doesn't have to go anymore. I just > feel like everyone has been told such distortions of the truth about > me and i don't have the physical energy or mental stamina to defend > myself anymore as NO ONE knows my truth and noone ever will > > because I can't even explain or describe what I have been through > and continuously go through. > > this is so long and I apologize. I thought maybe it would be > beneficial for once to vent as I have no other outlets in my life. > > thanks. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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