Re: Self-awareness... how to get it?

[Guest guest]

Yes, but mine is mostly related to physical feeling. I have fibromyalgia

since late teens/early twenties. I'm only now, at age 33 able to say " that

hurts " and feel the physical feelings that go with whatever is going on. I'm

working on it.

I think I was taught to ignore my physical side because my nada believed

hers was more important. It is hard, but worth it.

gs

>

> One of the biggest obstacles I'm dealing with lately is lack of

> self-awareness. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> I'm so used to ignoring my feelings, that I often find it difficult to

> express a negative emotion. Say my husband says or does something that

> bothers me... I'll only figure out half an hour later that I'm upset,

> and why. Once I've understood that I'm feeling something bad and what

> caused it, it's another endeavor trying to explain it. You know those

> " I " statements you're supposed to use? Well it's really difficult for

> me to put a name on what I'm feeling and then get the courage to

> express it. " I feel ________ when you __________. " When I'm about to

> say it, I feel this terrible anxiety, as though something bad will

> happen to me when the sentence comes out of my mouth. I eventually get

> over the anxiety and say what I have to say, but it's paralyzing.

>

> Then there's the physical self-awareness. I suffer from chronic

> fatigue (well, I call it adrenal fatigue, but it feels like the same

> thing) and sometimes get very tired. But I tend to just feel like

> everything's fine until suddenly, I don't. I ignore the fact that I'm

> a little tired until I'm utterly exhausted. I'm so used to ignoring my

> own physical needs that I don't even know they're there until they

> overwhelm me.

>

> Does anyone have a similar problem? How do you learn to be more aware?

>

> qwerty

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I can sort of relate as I'm going through realizing that I was

raised being dumped on by my mother and I grew up thinking I had

insight into people and that I was wise beyond my years...I grew

up 'mothering' my mother. But I have had horrible people problems

all my life, misunderstanding, being misunderstood, and drawing in

borderlines and being betrayed. I recently took an 'emotional

intelligence' test for my psychology class and it said 'your

emotional intelligence is very low'. I understand people on a

textbook level but in day to day relationships, I suck. Part of it

may be due to high-functioning autism, I have traits that fall in

line with difficulties on that spectrum, both with reading emotions

as well as not having the right facial expressions or tone of voice.

It's very frustrating because until I started doing this work and

until I started testing in range for autism I really believed what

my mother wanted me to believe about myself, that I could solve

adult problems as a child and that I was 'wise beyond my years'.

It's clear to me now that the opposite was true, in a very, very

obvious way, and my brother that is closest in age to me is exactly

the same as I am but since he is male the societal expectations of

his behavior are different and he hasn't 'paid' for this as much.

I'm pretty much 'blank' on my self definition now because something

I'd thought was so true about me turns out now not to be true. It's

confusing.

I think the first step in getting self-awareness is to become aware

you don't have it. A therapist could help you progress further, they

do this work with addicts alot who have numbed out their feelings

with chemicals for years. Hugs.

[Guest guest]

Mayalisa, Woe! Did you live my life, or did I live yours?

Those are the exact words my mother said to me. " I really believed

what my mother wanted me to believe about myself, that I could solve

adult problems as a child and that I was 'wise beyond my years'. " And

That I had insight into others.

And I believed her also. Or, wanted to. It gave me some feelings of

adequacy and confidence. And yet, I really did have problems relating

to others in my age group. I just didn't understand why they acted

the way they did. And I had no guidance from home about how to

handle situations with them.

I would just become completely overwhelmed with kids my own age, and

their behaviors. And I thought that part of this was because I had

so much to deal with at home...that just drained me. And then I'd go

to school and it added to it. Around 12 or so, I felt that I was

more mature than kids my own age...or atleast less emotional. I felt

some of them were just rude. But, then teenage years, I felt that I

regressed in emotional age. I for sure became more of a recluse.

Where did you take the emotional intelligence test? I'd like to take

one and see what I can learn. Thanks. My son is full blown autistic

and I feel that I may have been mildly so or had some traits. As a

child I remember running and running in circles. And I remember

being very sensory with water. What are some of the other things you

recall as being autistic like?

>

> I can sort of relate as I'm going through realizing that I was

> raised being dumped on by my mother and I grew up thinking I had

> insight into people and that I was wise beyond my years...I grew

> up 'mothering' my mother. But I have had horrible people problems

> all my life, misunderstanding, being misunderstood, and drawing in

> borderlines and being betrayed. I recently took an 'emotional

> intelligence' test for my psychology class and it said 'your

> emotional intelligence is very low'. I understand people on a

> textbook level but in day to day relationships, I suck. Part of it

> may be due to high-functioning autism, I have traits that fall in

> line with difficulties on that spectrum, both with reading emotions

> as well as not having the right facial expressions or tone of

voice.

> It's very frustrating because until I started doing this work and

> until I started testing in range for autism I really believed what

> my mother wanted me to believe about myself, that I could solve

> adult problems as a child and that I was 'wise beyond my years'.

> It's clear to me now that the opposite was true, in a very, very

> obvious way, and my brother that is closest in age to me is exactly

> the same as I am but since he is male the societal expectations of

> his behavior are different and he hasn't 'paid' for this as much.

> I'm pretty much 'blank' on my self definition now because something

> I'd thought was so true about me turns out now not to be true. It's

> confusing.

>

> I think the first step in getting self-awareness is to become aware

> you don't have it. A therapist could help you progress further,

they

> do this work with addicts alot who have numbed out their feelings

> with chemicals for years. Hugs.

>

[Guest guest]

> >

> > I can sort of relate as I'm going through realizing that I was

> > raised being dumped on by my mother and I grew up thinking I had

> > insight into people and that I was wise beyond my years...I grew

> > up 'mothering' my mother. But I have had horrible people

problems

> > all my life, misunderstanding, being misunderstood, and drawing

in

> > borderlines and being betrayed. I recently took an 'emotional

> > intelligence' test for my psychology class and it said 'your

> > emotional intelligence is very low'. I understand people on a

> > textbook level but in day to day relationships, I suck. Part of

it

> > may be due to high-functioning autism, I have traits that fall

in

> > line with difficulties on that spectrum, both with reading

emotions

> > as well as not having the right facial expressions or tone of

> voice.

> > It's very frustrating because until I started doing this work

and

> > until I started testing in range for autism I really believed

what

> > my mother wanted me to believe about myself, that I could solve

> > adult problems as a child and that I was 'wise beyond my years'.

> > It's clear to me now that the opposite was true, in a very, very

> > obvious way, and my brother that is closest in age to me is

exactly

> > the same as I am but since he is male the societal expectations

of

> > his behavior are different and he hasn't 'paid' for this as

much.

> > I'm pretty much 'blank' on my self definition now because

something

> > I'd thought was so true about me turns out now not to be true.

It's

> > confusing.

> >

> > I think the first step in getting self-awareness is to become

aware

> > you don't have it. A therapist could help you progress further,

> they

> > do this work with addicts alot who have numbed out their

feelings

> > with chemicals for years. Hugs.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I will try to remember the name of the website, it was a cluster of

tests and we had to take one and post the results (I was so

surprised at my poor result I took another one for the posted grade).

I have hypersensitivity to light and sound, and texture sensitivity.

Problems with transitions. I did alot of couting self-stims as a

child, every night when I was trying to sleep. Complete gullability,

an ex of mine told me recently " you are one of the most honest

people I've ever met but it's weird because you are also one of the

most gullible " . That makes no sense unless you know about aspergers

traits, bluntness and lack of guile are common, along with inability

to read people and detect dishonest and conniving behaviors. When I

was young I was unaware of all of that going on. Now I look back and

am pretty surprised at how clueless I was. Unfortunately that

cluelessness has followed me into adulthood. I am a terrible judge

of people and I accept I always will be, I have to learn to protect

myself, because machiavellian behavior never occurs to me, meaning I

don't see it when it is going on in front of me. Bullying was not a

problem for me as a kid but as an adult frequently I have felt

bullied on jobs. I just don't 'fit in' because I am not on the same

frequency with most people I work with. I went to a website

called 'wrongplanet.net' and read many of the posts and I felt that

peole identified with that aspect. I think if it were not for the

financial aspect of this I wouldn't even care. I just have so much

trouble on jobs, it's like torture. I could probably be here all day

talking about the characteristics I have. My brother has them too,

but being male, the things that I have, like innappropriate facial

expressions, being blunt, being guileless, not 'softening' my

message in a typical female socialized way, etc, those things have

definitely worked against me in life. When I am around other female

aspies I can tell, we don't know how to 'catch flies with honey

rather than vinegar'. Etc.

When I think about all this it's infuriating to me that I was dumped

on. I should have been seen as more vulnerable, because of the

sensitivity, not less. But my mother was ignorant, plus she dumped

on my sister as well.

[Guest guest]

Oh my gosh, that's me to a tee. It actually contributed to some

significant problems in my marriage. What's helping is making a

point of getting my feelings out there, even if it is three hours or

three days after the event, and making sure that my husband realizes

what a huge effort it is for me to even say something in the first

place. That latter point was a difficult issue to get resolved. The

more we work on it the more I'm open to acknowledging those emotions

when they arise and the sooner I'm able to address them.

>

> One of the biggest obstacles I'm dealing with lately is lack of

> self-awareness. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> I'm so used to ignoring my feelings, that I often find it difficult

to

> express a negative emotion. Say my husband says or does something

that

> bothers me... I'll only figure out half an hour later that I'm

upset,

> and why. Once I've understood that I'm feeling something bad and

what

> caused it, it's another endeavor trying to explain it. You know

those

> " I " statements you're supposed to use? Well it's really difficult

for

> me to put a name on what I'm feeling and then get the courage to

> express it. " I feel ________ when you __________. " When I'm about to

> say it, I feel this terrible anxiety, as though something bad will

> happen to me when the sentence comes out of my mouth. I eventually

get

> over the anxiety and say what I have to say, but it's paralyzing.

>

> Then there's the physical self-awareness. I suffer from chronic

> fatigue (well, I call it adrenal fatigue, but it feels like the same

> thing) and sometimes get very tired. But I tend to just feel like

> everything's fine until suddenly, I don't. I ignore the fact that

I'm

> a little tired until I'm utterly exhausted. I'm so used to ignoring

my

> own physical needs that I don't even know they're there until they

> overwhelm me.

>

> Does anyone have a similar problem? How do you learn to be more

aware?

>

> qwerty

>

[Guest guest]

Qwerty,

I can't speak to the first half but I can certainly relate to the 2nd

in regards to fatigue. I realized this last fall that this fatigue is

more related to my anxiety I was walking around with 24/7 in regards

to perfection and hypervigilance. I have scheduled my life now. I go

to bed @ 8:30 sharp with few exceptions. I exercise everyday actually

schedule it into my planner. My co-workers have obviously noticed the

difference because now they remind me to go to my spinning classes if

I get caught up in work. I do not over plan my days and if I know I

will have a long day thats unavoidable like yesterday 7am-9pm

involving lots of different responsibilities I make sure the next day

is a jammie day off. Today I sit here with the heating pad on my neck

in my jammies armed with some movies and a planned family walk later.

I also use a prn for days like yesterday so my anxiety stays at a

lower level. The other important piece here is my daughter who is 15

is also learning healthy ways to take care of herself and not feel

guilty. I do get restless on these days but listen to my guided

imagery cds to help. Basically they say " nowhere to be and no one to

please " and use EMDR clicking to settle the affirmation into my

resistant brain. Hope some of this helps.

Suebee

>

> One of the biggest obstacles I'm dealing with lately is lack of

> self-awareness. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> I'm so used to ignoring my feelings, that I often find it difficult to

> express a negative emotion. Say my husband says or does something that

> bothers me... I'll only figure out half an hour later that I'm upset,

> and why. Once I've understood that I'm feeling something bad and what

> caused it, it's another endeavor trying to explain it. You know those

> " I " statements you're supposed to use? Well it's really difficult for

> me to put a name on what I'm feeling and then get the courage to

> express it. " I feel ________ when you __________. " When I'm about to

> say it, I feel this terrible anxiety, as though something bad will

> happen to me when the sentence comes out of my mouth. I eventually get

> over the anxiety and say what I have to say, but it's paralyzing.

>

> Then there's the physical self-awareness. I suffer from chronic

> fatigue (well, I call it adrenal fatigue, but it feels like the same

> thing) and sometimes get very tired. But I tend to just feel like

> everything's fine until suddenly, I don't. I ignore the fact that I'm

> a little tired until I'm utterly exhausted. I'm so used to ignoring my

> own physical needs that I don't even know they're there until they

> overwhelm me.

>

> Does anyone have a similar problem? How do you learn to be more aware?

>

> qwerty

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I totally empathize Qwerty.

I feel like there's something in me that naturally suppresses anything negative,

which is

pretty understandable given that I was raised by a single-mother with BPD. I

never, ever

make waves. Even if it's to the detriment of my own self-respect and esteem. But

the

freedom of just knowing that I am not responsible for Mum's behaviour has given

me the

freedom to explore my own. I think it'll take a lot of time to adjust and

interpret feelings

quickly, it's almost as though they only come to the surface when I'm sure it's

absolutely

safe.

Soon, I think, you'll become more secure in your own identity - not just a

non-borderline.

And I think with that comes trust in one's emotions and a lot more self

awareness and

expression.

[Guest guest]

Well, let me say... 2 days ago (when my therapist pointed out 'the

obvious' with my mother's history) she had initially asked me how it

would look if I felt X about Y. I just stared at her. " I have no

idea, never been allowed to have those feelings " . That was the

start of " What's wrong with this picture " ... from both of our

perspectives...from there it was a few more Q's and out came the DSM-

IV...

I've known my whole life that whatever hurts, emotional or physical,

I've had were NOTHING compared to what SHE was feeling/once

felt/maybe felt/should have felt/imagined she felt, etc. There was

no energy in the world for me to exist. Sorry. Space taken.

What I realize now was that there was no energy in HER world for me

to exist. I was just her shiny prized pony that performed well and

was adorable and wicked smart. Wonder why, with 11 schools, 9

states, and countless " local " moves, no one noticed?

So, how do you state what you're feeling at this age? You have to

chance it. You have to know that there IS energy for you to be here

and there and everywhere... Your husband knows that... he married

you... he wants you to be present and accounted for... he wants to

BE there... let him. Don't let your marriage be about your mother

too.

Lynnette

> >

> > One of the biggest obstacles I'm dealing with lately is lack of

> > self-awareness. Does anyone else have this problem?

> >

> > I'm so used to ignoring my feelings, that I often find it

difficult to

> > express a negative emotion. Say my husband says or does

something that

> > bothers me... I'll only figure out half an hour later that I'm

upset,

> > and why. Once I've understood that I'm feeling something bad and

what

> > caused it, it's another endeavor trying to explain it. You know

those

> > " I " statements you're supposed to use? Well it's really

difficult for

> > me to put a name on what I'm feeling and then get the courage to

> > express it. " I feel ________ when you __________. " When I'm

about to

> > say it, I feel this terrible anxiety, as though something bad

will

> > happen to me when the sentence comes out of my mouth. I

eventually get

> > over the anxiety and say what I have to say, but it's paralyzing.

> >

> > Then there's the physical self-awareness. I suffer from chronic

> > fatigue (well, I call it adrenal fatigue, but it feels like the

same

> > thing) and sometimes get very tired. But I tend to just feel like

> > everything's fine until suddenly, I don't. I ignore the fact

that I'm

> > a little tired until I'm utterly exhausted. I'm so used to

ignoring my

> > own physical needs that I don't even know they're there until

they

> > overwhelm me.

> >

> > Does anyone have a similar problem? How do you learn to be more

aware?

> >

> > qwerty

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" Wise beyond my years " ...

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, let's see... the first time I can remember hearing that I was

7... and it was the year I went to 5 schools in 4 states...

hmmmmmmm... go figure.

I have a precision like accuracy for knowing when people are lying.

I can spot a con at 100 yards... the problem with that is obvious...

the world doesn't operate in black and white. It throws me into a

tizzy when people 'fudge the truth', do social 'white lies', etc.

I'm learning (painfully slow as it may be) to just 'let it be'.

Doesn't really matter on most things... I used to end up looking

like a jerk (Warden-like and all) with my truth radar... have had to

learn to just 'chill'.

Did I want to be 'wise beyond my years'? OH NO! I wanted to play

Barbi's and skateboard and ride bikes... I didn't want to hear about

her romances (failed again), finances, job loss, evictions, deadbeat

dads, family liars, disappointments, lost hope, and a gazillion and

one other people and problems who had 'done her wrong'...

The greatest gift I have ever received, and continue to cherish, is

a strong and loving group of friends. I've managed to have the same

core circle for 9 years now (refusing to move with my mother as she

trotts around more), I've forced myself to be open and honest and

feeling (even in fear of pain - I've even told them that) and have

found myself loved and accepted for just who I am... and this was

all before there was a name to my mother's insanity.

Now I'm onto 'romance'... after 13 years of ignoring 'that' because

I had to devote my heart and soul to making HER happy. Well, as you

can imagine, she hates HIM... oh well. I don't... and that's what

matters.

Self-awareness has come, bit by bit, stone by stone... I guess I was

building it before I had a name for it. My motivation was simple, I

didn't want to " turn out like her " ... now the truth of those words

haunt me... but that's ok. The birds still sing in the morning.

Lynnette

> >

> > I can sort of relate as I'm going through realizing that I was

> > raised being dumped on by my mother and I grew up thinking I had

> > insight into people and that I was wise beyond my years...I grew

> > up 'mothering' my mother. But I have had horrible people

problems

> > all my life, misunderstanding, being misunderstood, and drawing

in

> > borderlines and being betrayed. I recently took an 'emotional

> > intelligence' test for my psychology class and it said 'your

> > emotional intelligence is very low'. I understand people on a

> > textbook level but in day to day relationships, I suck. Part of

it

> > may be due to high-functioning autism, I have traits that fall

in

> > line with difficulties on that spectrum, both with reading

emotions

> > as well as not having the right facial expressions or tone of

> voice.

> > It's very frustrating because until I started doing this work

and

> > until I started testing in range for autism I really believed

what

> > my mother wanted me to believe about myself, that I could solve

> > adult problems as a child and that I was 'wise beyond my years'.

> > It's clear to me now that the opposite was true, in a very, very

> > obvious way, and my brother that is closest in age to me is

exactly

> > the same as I am but since he is male the societal expectations

of

> > his behavior are different and he hasn't 'paid' for this as

much.

> > I'm pretty much 'blank' on my self definition now because

something

> > I'd thought was so true about me turns out now not to be true.

It's

> > confusing.

> >

> > I think the first step in getting self-awareness is to become

aware

> > you don't have it. A therapist could help you progress further,

> they

> > do this work with addicts alot who have numbed out their

feelings

> > with chemicals for years. Hugs.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

> Self-awareness has come, bit by bit, stone by stone... I guess I

was

> building it before I had a name for it. My motivation was simple,

I

> didn't want to " turn out like her " ... now the truth of those words

> haunt me... but that's ok. The birds still sing in the morning.

>

> Lynnette

How very true! I think for myself, my biggest fear would be that I

would be " like her " in any dysfunctional way or that my children

would pick up her bad traits or worse yet, become BPD. Trying not to

get caught up in negative thoughts of impending doom, can at times,

be the greatest challenge. Despite all that I have achieved, that

little tape in my mind that was turned on by Nada still plays in my

mind altogether too much. I wish it would just break in one final

moment. Sometimes I think I should just meditate on that tape and

imagine it getting eaten by a broken tape player.

In any case...thanks for your insight.

The birds are still singing in Michigan this morning too!

JJFan

[Guest guest]

Working with a therapist is one of the most important steps you can

take. You can ask him or her for a list of feelings/emotions...my

therapist gave me one for my KO partner and it helped a lot in his

simply having a resource for what he could call what he was feeling.

It takes some pressure off of you because you don't have to " find the

words. " During the time you see your therapist, you can also keep a

journal in which you record the things you are feeling (you can use

the list of emotions to try to help you figure out how to express it)

as well as the " triggers " that you can trace those feelings back to.

The more you record these things down, the more you will start to

notice patterns in what sets you off, how it sets you off, and how

you tend to deal with it. This can also help you *own* your

feelings, even if you are only able to notice them or express them

after the fact, because seeing the written record will confirm that

your experience is yours, and that everything that happened logically

gives you a right to feel how you feel! The less you hesitate to

claim that, the easier it will be to be open to those feelings

without fear.

Good luck!

S.

>

> One of the biggest obstacles I'm dealing with lately is lack of

> self-awareness. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> I'm so used to ignoring my feelings, that I often find it difficult

to

> express a negative emotion. Say my husband says or does something

that

> bothers me... I'll only figure out half an hour later that I'm

upset,

> and why. Once I've understood that I'm feeling something bad and

what

> caused it, it's another endeavor trying to explain it. You know

those

> " I " statements you're supposed to use? Well it's really difficult

for

> me to put a name on what I'm feeling and then get the courage to

> express it. " I feel ________ when you __________. " When I'm about to

> say it, I feel this terrible anxiety, as though something bad will

> happen to me when the sentence comes out of my mouth. I eventually

get

> over the anxiety and say what I have to say, but it's paralyzing.

>

> Then there's the physical self-awareness. I suffer from chronic

> fatigue (well, I call it adrenal fatigue, but it feels like the same

> thing) and sometimes get very tired. But I tend to just feel like

> everything's fine until suddenly, I don't. I ignore the fact that

I'm

> a little tired until I'm utterly exhausted. I'm so used to ignoring

my

> own physical needs that I don't even know they're there until they

> overwhelm me.

>

> Does anyone have a similar problem? How do you learn to be more

aware?

>

> qwerty

>

[Guest guest]

ALL THE TIME! I am only just now able to defend myself when someone is rude to

me or treats me badly. Before I would overanalyze it and after a few hours or a

few days come to the conclusion that I had not misread the situation. But by

that time it is too late to do anything about it. The only thing I can suggest

is what worked for me....a journal. I write everything in it.. Sometimes three

or four times a day or night. The journal, either on paper or electronic, allows

me to go back and deconstruct the event. That way I can learn to recongize when

it all goes south and validate my response to the immediate event. Hope this

helps.

Be strong.

Self-awareness... how to get it?

One of the biggest obstacles I'm dealing with lately is lack of

self-awareness. Does anyone else have this problem?

I'm so used to ignoring my feelings, that I often find it difficult to

express a negative emotion. Say my husband says or does something that

bothers me... I'll only figure out half an hour later that I'm upset,

and why. Once I've understood that I'm feeling something bad and what

caused it, it's another endeavor trying to explain it. You know those

" I " statements you're supposed to use? Well it's really difficult for

me to put a name on what I'm feeling and then get the courage to

express it. " I feel ________ when you __________. " When I'm about to

say it, I feel this terrible anxiety, as though something bad will

happen to me when the sentence comes out of my mouth. I eventually get

over the anxiety and say what I have to say, but it's paralyzing.

Then there's the physical self-awareness. I suffer from chronic

fatigue (well, I call it adrenal fatigue, but it feels like the same

thing) and sometimes get very tired. But I tend to just feel like

everything's fine until suddenly, I don't. I ignore the fact that I'm

a little tired until I'm utterly exhausted. I'm so used to ignoring my

own physical needs that I don't even know they're there until they

overwhelm me.

Does anyone have a similar problem? How do you learn to be more aware?

qwerty

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[Guest guest]

I am the same way about the lying and the 'white lies' and all of

that. I think being raised around bpd's makes us really sensitive in

that way and the truth matters more. My dad in the last six months

seems to have gotten worse, my mother has even gotten to the point

where she finally admitted he is dishonest, albeit by saying " he

doesn't *mean* to not tell the truth " . LOL

[Guest guest]

I'm sending my son through a neuro-development program where they

treat autism as a loss of developmental skills. And they go back and

walk the child through any missing or lost neuro-developmental

steps. They also do this for Aspergers/ADHD as well...also autism

spectrum disorders. I understand that they've had very amazing

results from it.

Recently, they were proven to be correct regarding ADHD by two

leading labs. Anyways, you can read the article at www.nacd.org.

You may consider something like this for yourself. I'd send myself

as well, if I could afford it. I was quite impressed because Bob

Doman (the main man himself) evaluated my son. And they sent us a

huge amount of data about what my child needs to have done...and it

is outlined step by step for us and in video form showing us what to

do next. He explained a little about how he can watch the eyes of

the child as they walk in the room and their basic behavior and learn

a great deal about them. If you want to know more about their work

with autism the nacd.org site has an amazing video available on the

subject. I think it is a must see for anyone with autism or who knows

someone with autism.

I think that I have also some sensory issues/mild autism. I think

many of us do because of our toxic environments. But, I remember as

a child being placed in front of a small waterfall for babies and

getting almost a high from the splashing water...a giddy, extremely

happy, and hypnotizing sensation. And flapping my little arms

similar to autistic childrens sensory issues. I had many dreams

about it afterwards. I also remember running in circles. Then, I

too was considered extremely naive/vulnerable. I stacked part of

that up to being allowed no experiences in life by my BPD mother.

Possibly the case as well...further slowing my emotional development.

But, I always wanted to believe in the goodness of people...it felt

like a survival issue for me. I just couldn't handle anything else.

So, I was too trusting and hurt many times from it.

>

> I will try to remember the name of the website, it was a cluster of

> tests and we had to take one and post the results (I was so

> surprised at my poor result I took another one for the posted

grade).

>

> I have hypersensitivity to light and sound, and texture

sensitivity.

> Problems with transitions. I did alot of couting self-stims as a

> child, every night when I was trying to sleep. Complete

gullability,

> an ex of mine told me recently " you are one of the most honest

> people I've ever met but it's weird because you are also one of the

> most gullible " . That makes no sense unless you know about aspergers

> traits, bluntness and lack of guile are common, along with

inability

> to read people and detect dishonest and conniving behaviors. When I

> was young I was unaware of all of that going on. Now I look back

and

> am pretty surprised at how clueless I was. Unfortunately that

> cluelessness has followed me into adulthood. I am a terrible judge

> of people and I accept I always will be, I have to learn to protect

> myself, because machiavellian behavior never occurs to me, meaning

I

> don't see it when it is going on in front of me. Bullying was not a

> problem for me as a kid but as an adult frequently I have felt

> bullied on jobs. I just don't 'fit in' because I am not on the same

> frequency with most people I work with. I went to a website

> called 'wrongplanet.net' and read many of the posts and I felt that

> peole identified with that aspect. I think if it were not for the

> financial aspect of this I wouldn't even care. I just have so much

> trouble on jobs, it's like torture. I could probably be here all

day

> talking about the characteristics I have. My brother has them too,

> but being male, the things that I have, like innappropriate facial

> expressions, being blunt, being guileless, not 'softening' my

> message in a typical female socialized way, etc, those things have

> definitely worked against me in life. When I am around other female

> aspies I can tell, we don't know how to 'catch flies with honey

> rather than vinegar'. Etc.

>

> When I think about all this it's infuriating to me that I was

dumped

> on. I should have been seen as more vulnerable, because of the

> sensitivity, not less. But my mother was ignorant, plus she dumped

> on my sister as well.

>