Re: upset? numbers? gullible?

[Guest guest]

I can't offer much help on the debt. We got into some debt trouble when we

first got married, and swore off credit cards after that. And that wasn't

even what most people I think consider " real " trouble, less than $8,000, but

it was too uncomfortable for us. We ended up declaring bankruptcy a couple

of years ago, but that was unrelated and out of our control.

As to the freezing, I can completely relate. I think it's a combination of

hyperfocusing and inability to transition or change tasks. I freeze

whenever my daily routine gets disturbed, even a little bit. Even the

constant interruption of the baby. Every time he gets fed, it takes me at

least 15 minutes (in addition to the feeding/changing/putting to sleep time)

to get back on track. And if there's any kind of crisis going on,

fuggedaboudit. I'm worthless, and the kids are lucky to get fed.

This month has actually been pretty nice. Very few interruptions, very

smooth days. I wish it could be like this more often.

Elayne

http://www.huntfamilyhome.net

" The government thinks you're an idiot. " -- Radley Balko,

www.theagitator.com

[Guest guest]

You have two problems here:

(A)Your dyscalcula is triggered. You know about

it. You know if you can eliminate using numbers,

you will be all right.

(B)Your have righteous anger at the potential

danger your husband has put you, and your child,

and the family into.

My friend married a man who used drugs and also

kept going into debt. I mention her because how

she handled her situation might help you:

A-She had a joint bank account with him, which

she deliberately kept at a low balance.

B-She had a bank account in only her name which

she used to pay bills.

C-Everything of value was in her name so her

husband could not steal it, ruin the credit

value, or use it to enlarge his debts.

Get your car and the house in your name.

The car is easy=go to the DMV and fill out the

paperwork. Check the space that says the car is

an exchange between spouses.

I think the house will require his signing a

paper giving you full ownership. He might be

willing to sign at this time if you tell him it

is a form of debt protection.

Look in your phone book for credit counseling

organizations and go to a free one for advice how

to separate your debts from his. There is a legal

way to protect yourself; but you might need a

lawyer or consider We The People, which uses

paralegals for things that need only filing--not

situations where you need legal representation.

Once you get the numbers on your ledger smaller,

you will feel better. Once you find a way to

govern the debt-generator you will feel calmer.

The stress is causing your panic and your sensory

overload. Your visual images are understandable,

possible premonitions of the future your husband

could create.

I don't know that being gullible is an Asperger's

symptom, but I have been told being gullible and

shutting down under pressure does make us

vulnerable to the control of certain people.

Take action.

~Bonnie

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Elayne, are you the one who has the website with TRIPLETS? I remember

going to someone's family site... anyway, totally off the debt

topic... i have ONE child, can't imagine THREE the same age! Mine is

3.5 right now.. at one point you would have had THREE TODDLERS.

I spent my son's first three years pretty much not getting a lot done.

I would just stand around, kind of depressed, and just literally STAND

there if no one was around. With my eyes kind of unfocused. The 18

months where he did not sleep through the night? Let's don't think

about those!

I hope that going bankrupt ended up taking off some of the pressure.

I am hoping not to do that unless the bills just don't get paid. Right

now I've been lying on my son's bed with my eyes closed trying to come

up with a " reason to work. " The best I could do was that maybe my

client will sue me if I don't turn the work in. Other than that I feel

very overwhelmed and defeated.

OK, now I have to go look at the site to see if it was you with the

triplets. I could be completely wrong. but at least I did not get your

name and face mixed up or reintroduce myself to you at a party, having

met you 3 minutes ago. At least we are in cyberspace... less

embarassing.

Rhonda

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Bonnie. I like the idea of taking action, just have not been

sure what to take. I don't want to be totally off topic too much, but

I can't easily receive private emails. It takes ten minutes to open

them and send and then the long wait for an answer. So I will

probably break the rules here and say one thing: Since we already

refinanced, if I get the house in my name, I am the only one

responsible for the HUGE mortgage. He could then just walk away from

it. Not that he would. He is somewhat responsible about PAYING the

bills once he has incurred them. But if he gets very very upset I

could see him running away. I almost would rather have the house in

HIS name since it's almost entirely HIS debt that made the mortgage

payment DOUBLE what it originally was. I did consolidate some of my

debt which was 1) my car 2) medical expenses from our son's birth 3)

some home improvements. I actually don't know what most of my

husband's debt was. To be fair I could have those put back in my

name. I will try to find a reputable credit counselor to discuss this

with. Thank you for writing. I do know I have to do something other

than " avoid MATH! " I managed to get my 2 college degrees without it

but now I am in the real world!

Rhonda

>

> You have two problems here:

>

> (A)Your dyscalcula is triggered. You know about

> it. You know if you can eliminate using numbers,

> you will be all right.

> (B)Your have righteous anger at the potential

> danger your husband has put you, and your child,

> and the family into.

[Guest guest]

Don't think in terms of the huge number before you.

Break it in terms of what you can do.

Make it manageable. No one ever died of debt. Stop new debt of happening.

Freeze the plastic. Communicate the need for paying in cash

from now on. Be firm on that.

Then look at today. But don't be concerned with the huge number. Look at

what

you can pay in terms of each week, it looks littler that way.

Sculptors don't see the end creation either, but they know

its in there somewhere.

K

>

> Do people with HFA or AS get upset more easily than people who do

> not?

>

> My current situation is that I have managed to marry someone who is a

> compulsive debtor. The short story is that I decided at one point to

> go ahead and refinance the house... was not even thinking about

> divorce or anything at the time. Now he is doing it again, and I just

> kind of SHUT DOWN. I can barely work, the letters on the page are

> swimming around, I am obsessing about the debt. I realize anyone on

> or off the spectrum would FREAK if they saw this much debt and knew

> (because I already checked with 2 lawyers) that they could be held

> responsible for half of it whether or not they knew about it, whether

> or not they refinanced, or whatever.) But in my case, my brain seems

> to just STOP. I know people who have bad situations and can still get

> to work and put in their hours and so forth. Maybe because I am self-

> employed but my husband did something else financially strange today

> and it made me just NOT WORK. I wonder if it is sensory overload? It

> certainly seems to be. Plus I get vivid visual images of myself as a

> bag lady living under a bridge with my 3-year old. Or, more

> typically, I get a " movie " of myself 20 years from now, typing away

> as fast as I can at the same desk here... and nothing has changed

> except I am slower and grayer....

>

> I am good enough at using online calculators to see what damage has

> been done to our finances and how long it will take to pay it off.

> But I think with the dyscalculia I am even more freaked out because

> it has NUMBERS! Big numbers are SCARY! I knew that in 1st grade when

> the teacher asked me to add 9 and 7, I thought the answer would be

> a " big " number, so I just froze. Kinda like now. My mindset about

> numbers has been, if they are BIG, then they are SCARY and I should

> AVOID them. I don't think that will work in this case.

>

> My friend told me I was the MOST INTELLIGENT person she knew, and so

> HOW could this have happened to me??? She also said I used to be the

> most financially solvent, which is true. Since I didn't like numbers,

> and didn't really understand them, I tended to just save my little

> pennies. I told her maybe I did not pick up on some clue that I was

> going to have trouble with this guy. Isn't being gullible part of

> the " symptoms " ?

>

> I wonder if having AS I could have married someone who is NOT good

> for me, at least not financially, because I either did not see the

> clues or did not give them much weight.

>

> I suppose knowing the amswer to this is not going to pay the bills,

> so I need to get back to work!

>

> Rhonda

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Rhonda wrote:

>Do people with HFA or AS get upset more easily than people who do

>not?

I don't know if we-as-a-group get upset more easily, but there seems

to be a sub-set of us that easily gets " stuck " (paralyzed by an

overload of anxiety, and an overload of anxiety feels like panic,

which is a bad place to be stuck) when faced with something that

simultaneously upsets us and consists of something we feel unequal to.

Of course, lots of people, not just auties, feel shocked and upset

about finances. One of my sisters told me once that every time she

got a bill, it felt as if she'd just received a ransom note. Now

that her kids are pretty much grown (youngest is in graduate school),

at least it's " only " her own life that she has to ransom.

Bonnie and have given good advice. I'd emphasize: Do

whatever you have to in order to stop the accumulation of any further

debt. My sister in law had to threaten everything up to and including

abandonment (she would abandon him) to coerce my brother into

agreeing to do without credit cards. For about a decade, they did

without credit. That's how long it took him to become trustworthy in

that area (though he's as honest as the day is long in every other

way).

Good luck!

Jane

[Guest guest]

Yes, I'm the one with triplets. I didn't get much done the first years,

either. I almost had a nervous breakdown the second year, and I suffered

from mild PTSD until after my fourth child was born, due to the incredibly

fucked-up handling I/we got from the medical establishment. Those first

years with them are something I deeply regret on many levels, and wish I

could do over.

I don't know if anybody else here has found it, but I follow Flylady, and

it's saved my house and my sanity. High focus on routines and timers, so

you can attack anything in pieces without falling in or getting overwhelmed.

With five kids now, and one a baby, I still get more done every day than I

ever did when the triplets were younger, or frankly even before I had kids

at all! But I still have trouble when my day gets messed up. I have to

keep a very very detailed control journal, with things like " brush teeth "

and " put on deodorant " listed for me to check off, or I just forget. And I

have to check it off every day. It helps some for when my days are messed

up by appointments and whatnot, I'm learning to just go back to the list and

start checking things off.

The bankruptcy did help a little, in that it started us back off with a

clean slate, but like I said, it was really unrelated to what little debt we

had. It was because of our house, and because my husband lost his job. He

got laid off while I was pregnant with #4, so I couldn't just go get a job

because nobody hires pregnant women. He couldn't just get a job because he

is blind. He got caught up in a massive tech downsizing in the Austin area

in 2002. At least half a dozen high tech companies each laid off thousands

of employees. Every job on the market had hundreds of applicants. It took

him seven months to get a job, and when he did, the job was across country.

By then, the value of our house literally got cut in half by the crash in

the local market (caused by the layoffs), and we could not sell it for

anywhere near what we owed. Nor could we pay for housing in Michigan and

Texas at the same time. Bankruptcy was the only option to get rid of the

house in Texas.

We're doing all right now. We've bought another house, and another car (we

had to let the one we had get repossessed to go into the bankruptcy), and a

couple of small credit cards that are helping us reestablish our credit

scores. Since we don't want or need big credit cards or anything, that's

enough.

Elayne

http://www.huntfamilyhome.net

" The government thinks you're an idiot. " -- Radley Balko,

www.theagitator.com

[Guest guest]

I am very sorry about the PTSD and the fucked up medical stuff and

the regret. You can live with the regret long after the actual bad

incidents are over. I looked at the children, just because I am a mom

and want to see some other kids, and they look happy, at first

glance, so hopefully they are not too negatively affected by the

experience. It is a very interesting site and I found myself feeling

very emotional when reading about the births.

Actually, at this point, I have announced that I REFUSE to follow

Flylady! I am just too overwhelmed with the debt and trying to work

full time and keep my son out of daycare most days (because of my

child-rearing beliefs). He is finally going to preschool next year

but it is only 2 days. I say I will look at flylady again when he

goes to 1st grade! I introduced my mother to Flylady. Big mistake as

she tends to nag and go " Flylday says this, Flylady says that... "

ARGH.

What bad timing to be pregnant, spouse loses job, and housing market

crashes. Yikes. Maybe I ought to be grateful for some of what I have

although it is hard because I had some cherished financial dreams

that I don't know how I will ever attain. Hopefully starting with the

clean slate will help in the long run.

Rhonda

[Guest guest]

Hi

Gullibility in my view is the wrong way of looking at

the situation. I find that non AS people tend to

ignore me, and often the only way of not being ignored

or isolated is to spend money! To solve the problems

thus caused, i.e. debt, we need to look for better

ways of being included in society.

Just a thought but I hope that it helps!

DIane Kivi

--- Jane Meyerding wrote:

> Rhonda wrote:

> >Do people with HFA or AS get upset more easily than

> people who do

> >not?

>

> I don't know if we-as-a-group get upset more easily,

> but there seems

> to be a sub-set of us that easily gets " stuck "

> (paralyzed by an

> overload of anxiety, and an overload of anxiety

> feels like panic,

> which is a bad place to be stuck) when faced with

> something that

> simultaneously upsets us and consists of something

> we feel unequal to.

>

> Of course, lots of people, not just auties, feel

> shocked and upset

> about finances. One of my sisters told me once that

> every time she

> got a bill, it felt as if she'd just received a

> ransom note. Now

> that her kids are pretty much grown (youngest is in

> graduate school),

> at least it's " only " her own life that she has to

> ransom.

>

> Bonnie and have given good advice. I'd

> emphasize: Do

> whatever you have to in order to stop the

> accumulation of any further

> debt. My sister in law had to threaten everything up

> to and including

> abandonment (she would abandon him) to coerce my

> brother into

> agreeing to do without credit cards. For about a

> decade, they did

> without credit. That's how long it took him to

> become trustworthy in

> that area (though he's as honest as the day is long

> in every other

> way).

>

> Good luck!

>

> Jane

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I'm not the one spending the money, my husband is. He doesn't have

AS, or doesn't seem to. I am not sure what his problem is but it

includes compulsive debting and a couple of other compulsive things.

Also regarding being gullible, I was talking to my ONE friend last

night. I guess she is my BEST friend by default because I can't put

her at the top of a list of friends since I only have one. Anyway,

she said " Did you BELIEVE your husband would change his ways? " and I

said " Well, he SAID he would. " So yes I believed it. I think maybe

part of being " gullible " is taking things literally. So if someone

says they are going to do something I believe them. Also, since is my

husband I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Rhonda

>

> Hi

>

> Gullibility in my view is the wrong way of looking at

> the situation. I find that non AS people tend to

> ignore me, and often the only way of not being ignored

> or isolated is to spend money! To solve the problems

> thus caused, i.e. debt, we need to look for better

> ways of being included in society.

>

> Just a thought but I hope that it helps!

>

> DIane Kivi